I guess I’m just looking for a bit of support and thoughts from people who’ve gone through this. I have a 2-year-old and an infant. I start back to work tomorrow, and my husband starts back on second shift, so we pretty much just switch off with the kids, as I’m working from home right now. We both work full time. Our families have promised support in terms of watching the kids and then decide not to pull through. We’ve had to resort to daycare before because of the same reason, and we have no issue doing that, but with COVID, ours has shut down indefinitely at this point. I can manage the kids and work for the last 1.5 of work from the time he leaves; however, it’s causing us a lot of frustrate and anxiety because we want their grandparents to be involved with them, but they aren’t. We aren’t even asking for help more than like 1-2 hours at a time and even that they don’t want to do, but they offer help and then for whatever reason will make an excuse that they can’t help or won’t help. They tell everybody else how much they help us and their grandkids, and everybody thinks they are just the best people ever for taking the time to do that. And helping us aside, they won’t even come over to spend time with the kids. It’s not like we haven’t helped them too. We believe you give a little, you get a little, and we should always help others. We’ve paid part of my dad’s monthly bills for the last year and a half. (We don’t live with him, he just had a hard time getting by, so we’ve paid for internet, TV, and trash for him) so I don’t feel like we are asking a lot. We discussed if it’s time to start breaking ties with the family and start just focusing on us and not count on any help, if we get some great if not, it’s not like we counted on it. Any thoughts? Thank you
Not to sound like the bad guy, but I wouldn’t ever give anything and expect something back. It can just create so many issues.
Ok, so stop paying for your dad’s bills is my first bit of advice. Stop expecting any of the family to help, is it crappy that they offer or say they will help and then don’t? Yes it is… is it their responsibility? No it’s not. They’ve shown you that they’re not reliable so don’t rely on it. Idk if I’d “cut them off” like completely out of your lives I think that may be extreme but just stop expecting their help. And good luck
H/T but maybe don’t have kids if you two can’t manage without family help. I used to live five mins from my parents and my son still went to daycare and then VPK. They aren’t guaranteed babysitters, lord.
you cant get mad because they dont wanna help you. find a different daycare then! its not that hard.
Nobody owes you anything
Tell them what you are doing for them
No, your parents do not have to babysit and cutting them off for that reason imo is ridiculous
You have to take care of your kids yourself
I wouldn’t cut ties just because they won’t help… but I would stop expecting the help. I don’t think the two go hand in hand. I understand the frustration, but I think once you have your own family you should ALWAYS focus on your own family and worry about yourselves. If someone wants to help that’s great and so kind of them, but it isn’t their responsibility or something that should cause resentment.
Thatd be super petty.
They’re your kids and your responsibility. You can ask, but it should not be expected of them.
And stop paying your dads bills if you can’t manage your family first.
Some of yall ladies are so rude! Woman are on here asking for advice and help not a slap in the face!. Yes I think your points are right but maybe try a different approach on how you give it out… never kick a another woman while she is down. Were suppose to build each other up . To to OP when you do for others you should never expect something back in return you are doing it because you care and love that person doesn’t mean they owe you… so maybe sit down with family member and talk over with them that you need help at this time if help is not given. Make a plan b. You shouldn’t cut a father off either after he spent 18+ years helping raise your husband. You need to handle this situation with grace.
You sound overwhelmed and tired And need extra support but you need to secure that away from family (childcare) don’t rely on it from family. If you didn’t pay for your dads living expenses you could possibly cut down on work and stay home with your children
Grandparents are not babysitters. They raised thier kids. Don’t hold cutting them off against them because they don’t do what you want when you want.
With Covid I would hire 1 person to come in…that way kids are not around a bunch of people…
I get that they said they would help and the frustration they back out… especially in these times…
I would not cut them off for this…but definitely don’t depend on them…
Not even gonna read it all cuz it doesn’t matter , not their responsibility.
Yup I’d be breaking ties ASAP.
I would not break ties over it but I would absolutely not count on them and assume you will have no help and focus on yourselves.
It’s really not their job. They are your kids you can figure it out.
Stop paying your dad’s bills. Tell him you need it to pay for daycare now. Don’t cut ties with them completely if they haven’t done anything terrible. They’re family! Set your boundaries and stick to them. But yeah, I wouldn’t keep giving them money if they are continuing to put you in a tough situation with child care, especially if you know they don’t have work, etc.
They’re your kids. No one else needs to watch them for you. Find a new daycare, or tell your job you need your hours a cut a little because of covid and losing childcare. They are grandparents. They aren’t there just to be your babysitter
Wouldn’t cut them off for that, but I would stop asking or counting on them for help. It causes a bigger issue when you think you have certain things lined up and someone cancels at the last minute and leaves you with no other options.
the kids are you and your husbands-it is not their responsibility to babysit-get a sitter -do what is best for your family, be independent and don’t ask for nothing
It’s not a good reason to cut ties, you’re just upset. You’ll figure it out. Stop paying dad’s bills though if there are strings attached.
Your kids, your responsibility. Pretty petty to cut them off for something like that.
You shouldn’t expect your parents to help, some just don’t, it is what it is. Also your dad dosen’t need internet or tv to survive, use that money to pay for private day care. Its not cutting him off, its setting boundries.
I never had family help with my kids. I bad s choice to be there for my nieces and nephew. I never received it make. It is what it. You can’t expect people to help
I wouldn’t expect help but I would definitely stop paying for your dads bills and doing things for them in general… explain if they can’t help you that you are going to be using that money for childcare a few days a week/ doing things your family needs.
Use your funds for a qualified sitter
Tell your dad, I can’t pay your bills cause I have to pay for babysitting unless you want take care of the kids and I will pay you and you can pay your bills with that,
Stop paying their bills. If they don’t want to watch your kids they don’t have to honestly, have you looked for other daycares since yours shut, are any other ones open?
You need to learn in this life you can only truly count on yourself. They are your children, so figure it out, by cutting off the grown man first.
I wouldn’t cut them off. I would however stop paying your dads bills. You can use that to cover a babys instead.
I would not break ties. They are family. Is there a reason they backed out? Are they elderly? I understand the frustration however you can be upset but it will not change the outcome. I would tell them you can not help and hire someone to come in and help.
Get a good babysitter or daycare asap. Never rely on family 4 this. Its sad that they don’t help bit just do it without their help
Just stop expecting it. I ask my family to help when I need it (which isn’t a lot) and if they don’t, whatever. If they want to take my kids to do something, they can. If not, that’s fine. They’ll be fine without it. I wouldn’t cut ties because of it tho. Id just stop going out of my way for them if I was in your position.
You cant expect them to be babysitters… you are putting their lives at risk. You and your husband are out in the community therefore the kids are also by contact.
Keep for your family and don’t depend on them. Not a reason to not be in there life because they don’t want to take care of your kids. Little ones aren’t easy and probably really stressful for them even for a short time. Time for a new dependable sitter.
Check with neighbors. 2 hours a day pay to help there at your house. A teen might want to pick up a few dollars. In your house and you there until you can see their work.
I would not count on them. Just prioritize your life and family. Also, stop paying your dad’s bills if it’s too much…I would help my dad whether he watched my kids or not. Probably best to not correlate the 2 things as they are separate situations. Address each one separately and accordingly. Don’t cut them off, just do things on your terms and set boundries.
Parents are not built in babysitting for anyone. If they are nice enough to help that’s one thing but they don’t have to or owe you that no matter what you do for them. It is frustrating and stressful but at the end of the day you as the parents have figure it out.
You aren’t owed anything. You support you and let your family support themselves
I do not believe you should cut ties w family because they will not watch your children. Would it be helpful and beneficial… of coarse. But should not be expected.
If you paid your dads bills, did you do so out of the kindness of your heart or with strings attached. It sounds like you expect your dad to help because you helped. That’s not fair.
some women on here are disgustingly rude. they brag that they help and see their grandkids when they don’t. she pays some of her dads bills and he can’t watch his grandkids to help out? stop paying your dads bills and try to find a new daycare. don’t rely on your parents. it doesn’t sound like you need to cut them off bc it doesn’t sound like they’re even really involved.
I’d just have a heart to heart talk and let them know what you need
Your kids your problem. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are required to help
I think if they promised that they would and they tell everyone that they do, I would be mad too. But they don’t have to watch your kids, especially for free. They are not expected to do that. If they start saying to someone that they watch them, stand up for yourself and be like “no you don’t. Nice try though”
Some of these responses are why the village has gone away. Growing up family helped family now it’s such an issue to get help from family. Yes these are your children but family shouldn’t offer to help and then not follow through. Many people don’t truly understand that it’s not as simple as finding a new sitter especially with COVID and things just are not the way they were before. I would definitely tell your father that your done paying his bills because while you helped him when he needed help you need the help now with your children and you need to figure that out. It’s a very tough spot to be in because everyone is so Judgy, I need help now as a single mom I can’t always do it on my own and I have to rely on help from family because if I don’t work I can’t take care of my son and thanks to COVID things just are not the same.
Start by cutting off the bills and go from there.
Stop paying your Father’s Bill’s. Let him know you need those funds for your children, I’m sure he’ll understand. Lastly, I’m sorry your family isn’t helping you, but now you know. Correct them when they try to brag that they watch your children, that would irritate me. I feel like I’m missing something though; you’re paying for some of your Dad’s bills, but he cannot help watch his grandchildren? That’s odd.
Okay two things. Stop paying their bills. Use that money for a reliable babysitter. don’t expect family to follow through I am in a situation where I have outside help because my family cannot be counted on. I’m sorry you’re going through this it’s very frustrating and hard to not have support needed but I managed to do it by myself without a partner so you just figure it out
Honestly just for not wanting to care for them no. Because no one has to watch your kids, thats your own responsibility to either find care or care for them yourself. But they also should have been honest from the beginning , not promise something and then not do it. That’s just rude .
But if the if they can’t do for you in your time of need then don’t do for them, fair is fair.
I would just say Hey Since we had to find paid daycare we cannot afford to help you out anymore at all financially. I wouldn’t cut all ties, because I do believe grandparents deserve to see their grandchildren but I wouldn’t cater to them or their needs if they can’t even help out a little.
STOP PAYING HIS BILLS ASAP they cant help you do not help them. They are not obligated to watch kids but id cut all help with them.
My kids are 10 and 5 and I haven’t had any help from anyone. I don’t like to ask because I know how that will turn out.
Prior to relocating I would watch my grand baby when his parents ran into scheduling conflicts and LOVED every minute of it. Not just because of the obvious but because I also stayed a bit longer to spend time with my DiL. However, when babysitting becomes expected, like a set schedule JOB then it’s no longer “helping out”. It’s a job and you need to pay for that allotted time as such.
I do agree with that you should figure out how much you pay towards your dad’s bills and let him know that you have to reallocate those funds for child care, since it’s obvious you need reliable care. Let him know that you are happy to trade X amount of hours of him keeping the kids in exchange but you can’t do both pay his bills and pay for child care. But be prepared for him to say no.
I never had help with my kids either… But I keep my grandkids everyday while Mommy & Daddy work. Love spending time with them… Its a lot of work, 7 year old & a 1 year old…but I wouldn’t want anyone else keeping them. Some parents just don’t want to help out after raising their own kids. To each their own!
Your parents raised their kids. You raise yours. Your dad pays his bills you pay yours. Don’t expect anything from anyone and you won’t be disappointed. I have learned that is how life seems to be with people like that.
I live with my mom and I still can’t get her to take her grandchildren off my hands! (#sarcasm)
Our moms have been very helpful at filling gaps and we were fortunate to have family watch our littles for their first 6-9 months as they were premies but it was a schedule we discussed prior to my returning to work. Once they got mobile they went to daycare. I have a 2&3 year old now and they are both in FT daycare. When their center closed I sucked it up and figured it out until I could t anymore then talked to my boss - you need to take more responsibility for finding a way to make it work for you without relying on their help if they are unreliable.
I never understood why grandparents don’t want to help . Maybe health issue would be a cause or they are very old but it takes a village to raise these kids . Don’t cut them off just set your boundaries. And if anyone asks they don’t help in the ways that are needed the most . Again it takes a village!! When I get old and God allows me to see my grandchildren I will be there for them period . There is a special bond between them it needs practiced for both grandchildren and grandparents.
If you need a daycare my sil is opening her next monday on January 11
I feel that just because I made my parents grand parents does not mean they have to watch my children. Nor will I rely on others to watch my kids. Is there no daycare whatsoever? Can you ask a friend to switch baby times?
My parents and they are divorced never help with my kids ever and they been in daycare most of their lives it used to hurt my feelings but now I don’t really care it their loss I’m kids are better off without them sad but true
Your children are not anyone else’s responsibility but you’re own.
Pay your own bills not other peoples. They are your kids, your responsibility…BUT if in fact they are promising and not showing…thats a problem…you know the saying…fool me once…
Ummm they’re YOUR kids!
You have a good reason to be upset. Them offering, then backing out of help, then acting like they help is very aggravating and can create issues for you in not having care when you need it.
Some people say your financial help is “strings attached”, but I don’t think its unreasonable to expect help yo be a 2 way street. You help when they need it and thry return the favor… if its one sided then I would stop.
Find new care, stop paying his bills, and try to move on with as good of relationship as possible.
If they promised to help they can stick to their word. If they can handle 2 kids for a couple hours that’s Bull.
I have an non verbal autistic son and my in-laws and my dad help . Family is supposed to have your back not make up excuses. I say don’t let them see them.
All I know is that I am a 65 years old grandma I have 3 great grandchildren and I just love spending time with they stayed with and then my oldest grandaughter gave me 4 great grandchildren that I would do anything for them just remind them they are missing out…
Uhhh no… family isn’t a givin babysitter. And stop paying their bills if they arent doing what was agreed upon. Get a babysitter u can rely on with that money. Cut ties thou? No. Make some distance? Yes
Wow seriously, your family doesn’t owe you a thing. For you to even consider cutting them out of your life is so childish I can’t even comprehend it. Frigging grow up and figure it out.
They should help especially if you’ve been paying some od his monthly bills
Not very good grandparents if they don’t want to help with their grandkids As a grandparent I help with mine all the time they are missing out on so much but stop paying bills for them
I’m sorry your in laws haven’t lived up to their promises. They have shown you who you are, so believe them. Clearly you can’t rely on them to follow through. Maybe it comes from a place of wanting to help but being too embarrassed to say they realize they can’t keep up or are afraid of all the responsibilities and liabilities they’d be taking on.
Tell your father in law that you have helped him get back on his feet, and you will have to stop subsidizing him so you can pay for child care. Give him a month or two warning so he’s not blindsided (even though he did this to you).
Take your money that your spending on dads bills and hire you a dependable babysitter.
They might get tired and worn down from watching 2 young kids. Grandparents love and want to see their kids but not raise they’ve done their time, let them enjoy their grandbabies while they can…
I would not make a declaration of breaking ties but I don’t know that I’d be very available during my off time for them to see the kids
The offered to help and then back out at every turn… Thats not right, especially if they’re bragging about helping
Yes they’re her kids, but families are supposed to support each other. Especially at times like this when there are extenuating circumstances.
My grandparents watched me when my mom couldn’t take leave, my mom and brother have both babysat for us, and I’ll gladly do the same for them and my future grandkids… It’s what family does… Don’t get you people trying to make the poster feel bad for needing help and expecting some help from family whwn she is obviously helping them.
Nobody is obligated to help with YOUR kids family or not go find and pay a babysitter.
Well they keep offering and then backing out and then bragging… I think this would piss anyone off tbh. Maybe just ask outright can they help more now that daycares are closed??? And its either a yes or a no sometimes you just have to ask. Even if they are hesitant or dont particularly enjoy it, it’s a couple of hours. Your not asking for much. Ask them to take turns. When I was a kid I spent loads of time with my grandparents so I dont get it and my family always take my kids if I need help like when I was working or for appointments etc .That’s what families do
I would definitely look for help elsewhere because they are not reliable. But they are not obligated to watch or spend time with the kids. If you feel that they should help out because you helped them I would make that clear when helping and if the don’t do it then stop the help. I don’t know if I would cut them off completely. I wouldn’t push them but if they wanted to see the kids I would let them but wouldn’t try and force it. Unless you have other reasons why they shouldn’t be around them.
I wouldn’t cut family off for not helping with my kids, because they are MY kids ! I would however cut family off for everything else you mentioned
I’m not sure why some people are jumping on you. I don’t think it’s okay they’re not spending time with the grandkids or that they’re offering/agreeing to help and then keep letting you down, that is not okay. Grandparents shouldn’t be expected to babysit but I would expect my parents to want to spend time with their grandchildren with or without me there and I wouldn’t expect them to offer help and then retract that every time, they should be more reliable than that or just not bother offering.
Wouldn’t be expecting anybody to watch my kids for any reason. None of my family members have ever watched my child at all in three years. They see my child when I bring him to see them. I do not expect anybody including family to do anything ever. I just started back to work after being home for 15 months because I was in school and I had to take care of my own child while doing online classes. Also though I wouldn’t be paying any of my family members bills especially if it wasn’t being reciprocated
Personally, I don’t think cutting them off is right. No they aren’t helping, but you know that now. So dont ask them for help… however I get the frustration of not having your family help out. And unless they are toxic, j would say maybe just keep your distance but not cut them completely out. Dont ask them for anything, and probably wouldn’t help them either. But that’s just my opinion. Ypu do what you believe is right
I feel this hard!
I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. I need help. My husband works and I stay home and it’s draining and exhausting. My mom lives directly next door and “helps” but most days she has her own agenda and says she will help and is actually more of a hindrance. It’s caused fights within our marriage. And his parents live 45 mins away and say they will help, and never do. But the 1 time they visit they make sure to take pics and post and tell everyone they are awesome grandparents.
You know what?! Covid taught me…you do you! Isolate yourselves and do what works. And don’t count on anyone. What you get you will appreciate from them, just don’t expect anything.
We’ve started doing it, setting boundaries and it feels sooooooo good!!!
I don’t think this calls for cutting them off, but I wouldn’t ask them for help anymore. You’re grown and you have children of your own. They’re not responsible for you or your kids. I think it’s messed up that they can’t keep their word and then pretend to be doing everything for you, but it’s not worth cutting ties.
Side note: I don’t ask anyone for shit for this exact reason. Everything we’ve got, we did that on our own with 3 kids and two full time jobs. If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way, but it’s not their responsibility, it’s yours. Stop expecting more than people are willing to give and you’ll be a lot less disappointed.
They’re grandparents not parents to your children. They did their time with you and aren’t obligated to do more time with yours.
I think its best to never rely on anyone, especially with children, if someone is unreliable, its not fair on the kids when they don’t turn up, regardless of who they are, its also not fair on the kids, to cut family off without a serious reason, stop paying their bills, and don’t expect them to watch the children, just sort it all out yourself, daycare will have to do.
They aren’t your inlaws kids they are yours. They’ve raised their kids and should be able to relax in their senior years. Its nice of you and your spouse to help out your inlaws financially after all they provided for your husband through his most difficult years. Not every grandparent wants to deal with infants and toddlers.
Uhh you decided to have kids though it’s not their responsibility to be there regardless of whether or not they said they would, things change. Cutting them off is a bit extreme in my opinion.
They’re your kids get a babysitter that you can rely on but don’t cut off the family just get the reliable babysitter stuff in order
You should give with an open heart and not expect anything in return. Giving to get something back is bad energy🤷🏻♀️ definitely don’t depend on them, but certainly don’t cut them off either. They have raised their kids and it sounds like they are facing their own struggles right now.
Find a private sitter or teenager looking for some extra cash to come sit with your children those 2 hours you need
Well… I can’t say if you are right or wrong because you never tell us why the grandparents have backed out.
I think people are being a bit harsh in this thread. The poster sounds overwhelmed with work and kids and having little support. We’ve all been there so be nice
None of my family takes my kids over night or even for a couple hours. That doesnt mean i stop talking to them. When we have family get togethers they interact with my kids or talk on the phone.
They arnt obligated to help you with your kids…yea its nice if family does but nobody is responsible for your kids but you…
They might feel obligated to help and that’s why they offer then back out because at the end of the day they don’t actually want to and they don’t have to want to
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My family has their own lives and struggles. I can’t expect them to help me. I have 6 kids. I make it work. Its hard. I ask for very little from my family. My biggest help is my brother and wife and they are only helping me because my daughter was molested and she spends some time over there for some self care. After watching some dark2light.org you’ll wonder if you’ll ever leave your kids with anyone ever again.
Why do you have to break ties in order to focus on yourselves and not count on anyone else? I think you should be doing that anyway. Find a new daycare and quit putting yourself in the position to just get let down. Don’t ask for their help. If they offer, then great. Take it. But its your children. Not theirs. Your responsibility. Not theirs. Grandparents want to spend fun time with the grandkids…not be on call babysitters. Especially if its all the time! Just keep on doing what you’re doing. It may be hard. May be stressful some days. But you’ll get through this. The kids will grow up and be more independent. What you’re going through isn’t long term. It might feel like it sometimes, but it’s not. But you don’t cut ties with family cause they don’t wanna be an on call babysitter for you.
I’d cut ties. I won’t force anyone to spend time with my son. So I also won’t force him to care about them when he’s old enough to understand.