How do you guys establish independence for teens that are graduating but still live under your roof? My child is graduating in a few weeks. My kid has dropped the I’m an adult and I’m too grown a few times too many when we’re bumping heads. My husband still takes her phone away from her when she’s being disrespectful. But she wants to get her own plan so he can’t do it anymore. But he feels like our house our rules. I’m afraid she’s going to try and venture out on her own because she doesn’t want to abide by his rules and I just feel like that’s not the move and will definitely cause her a lot of struggle. I don’t know how to find the happy medium
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Once my kids are 18 and have graduated from high school then, in my eyes, they are adults. I have a seperate set of rules if they choose to continue their education but if they choose to work full time and live with me then the rules are those of a roommate. They must pay their phone bill, all their own car expenses, and their share of the bills (rent, utilities, internet etc). They are also free to come and go as they choose. Of course, I’m still their mom emotionally and in other ways but I think it’s important for them to grow and learn how to be independent but I’m still providing them a safe place to land when they fall. It’s better to learn these lessons young then to learn when you have a spouse and a mortgage and children.
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Honest question - Is it that she isn’t ready or is it that you’re not ready?
In all honesty I don’t think there’s too many people that are completely ready to move out on their own at that age. However, if that’s what she decides, then it’s HERS to do. We can equip our kids only so much. Some life lessons have to be learned on our own.
Does it suck balls at times to watch them learn?
YES!
If she wants throw the adult card around, let her get a taste of the real world and the struggle that can go with it. Are you gonna talk to her boss he he’s to hard on her and doesn’t follow the rules. Have house meeting have sign a paper that she agree to what is agreed on. If not let her put the big girl pants on.
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We had the talk with my son. If your going to school we will help with some perks. But he has to pay his auto insurance and phone about $150 a month. He mows the yard and takes out trash bins…he comes n goes as he please…he’s had relationships…but he definitely has the safe place to rest his head at night…sorry to say road wasn’t very easy with our daughter. She left and went to live with dad at 16. Learned life’s hard choices and who really has her best interests…and even came home. Broken but back home…healed learned more and now moving across country with her hubby…but respect is a for sure thing momma. Sending lots of love to you💕 I have a 21,20 and 7 yr old
If she wants to be treated as an adult then treat her as one. Rent, pay for her own car ,gas insurance, food , her own laundry , etc… but do have a curfew. If not home by say midnight doors locked. You can always save the " rent money " towards her own place without her knowing
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Have a family meeting where you sit down and discuss new terms. She is an adult and should be awarded some more freedom. She is also living in the family home so she is expected to show respect as a member of the family (also should be shown to her - respect isn’t earned bc you’re her parents - respect should be shown to everyone in the home). Explain that while you understand her desire for independence and freedom, you would like to allow her to explore that while safely living at home - where she has a safety net. It is within your rights to have her pay rent but if you do, expect her to expect the freedom of a tenant, rather than your adult child.
My daughter is 19. She lived at home for a year after high school before heading to college in another state, and is home now for the summer. We’ve had our moments while navigating this change but our relationship is stronger and I think she is being set up to be successful.
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Let her venture out and give her a taste of the real world. Two things will happen, either she learns how it is out there and comes back respecting more of what you guys do for her or it works out: either way win win.
Realize that she’s going to feel the pressures as she transitions out of high school into the real world. Instead of the whole bad ass attitude, guide and let her grow. Don’t take attitude but understand she is adjusting to a whole new world just like you had to. I agree with the family meeting. But have some patience and don’t be so quick to be hard on her. I’m sure she’ll find her wings soon.
Sometimes it’s good to let them venture out on there own . Make her awear that she is always welcome at home. They may be an adult but they are still a dependant. You should never let your child dictate what goes in in your house
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I had a teen go to basic training at 17 because that’s what he wants to do in life. I have made sure he has been to every training day because he is our future. I trust his decisions in the future.
You can’t be independent and dependant at the same time. If you want to be a tenant, ok. If you want the perks of being subsidized in the family home, then we have rules and expectations.
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How many millions of times over the course of not just human history but many species history has the uncomfortable showdown over maturity level occurred, “Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth”
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They want to be an adult tell them to pay for their phone bill, buy groceries, and pay rent
You could always charge her “rent”
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Sit together and negotiate new rules now that she’s an adult. There should be more freedoms than she had as a high schooler.
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Remind her what she could be dealing with and that if she wants to be an adult, then so be it. Tell her she has one of three options: 1) Have a civil conversation where everyone comes to an agreement on how things will run in the home. 2) She takes on the role of adult that she keeps acting like, and pays the bills an average adult would. Her phone, food, rent, gas if she uses it, electricity she uses, so on and on. 3) She moves out and tries it on her own.
It will then come down to what she and you are willing to do.
If she think that she is an adult treat her like that , ask her for rent money , to do her own laundry and stuff like that, about her getting her own phone line , let her and make her pay for it .
You can always “ negotiate “ new and more flexible rules because she is not a child anymore and of course she needs more freedom.
But , still YOUR HOUSE , and she has to follow your rules , if she doesn’t agree with them , let her move out and experience real life
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If she wants get her own plan for her phone… let her… but tell her if she can’t pay for it you won’t help her. It will teach her responsibility… my bigger curiosity is… what did she do wrong that he takes her phone away for.?
If she’s going to continue to live at home after graduation… then she still needs to respect what ever reasonable set rules are. She needs to be respectful… but she also needs to be treated age appropriate and it sounds like dad is still thinking she’s a child and not about to be a young adult… I have a daughter the same age… thankfully she’s never tried that line on me… it’s all about respect… on both sides.
Good luck.
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My kids haven’t reached that age just yet, but I do remember what my parents did when I reached that age. They essentially just started treating me like an adult, so I didn’t feel the need to assert my independence. I was a lot more respectful towards them, because they treated me as an equal.
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Well, she can start paying $300 a month for rent. Her room is her room and noone goes in it. She can also get her own plan under her own name and pay for it. She’s right. She’s 18 or soon to be. She should have control over herself. Since she lives at home, basic rules. Be home by midnight and don’t wake the house. She gets to and from places on her own without mom or dad’s help. She’s respectful to everyone in the house and they’ll respect her in return.
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If she wants to get a job and her own plan then let her. Just make sure when she can’t pay it that you don’t. If your not willing to let her try with a cell phone plan that she’s totally responsible for then how do you expect her to learn life skills.
Sometimes kids gotta learn the hard way. She says she’s grown? Treat her like a grown up! Send her a bill for rent, groceries, and utilities.
Let her struggle and get her own plan…that how the appreciate what you guys have done for her And appreciate everything more because she worked and struggled for it like to like you gyha e done.
Both of you sit down with each other and communicate on an adult level with understanding on all ends. My parents and us had this system. 1. Curfew was no later than 1 am and in return our parents respected privacy and never went through our rooms or phones.
2. They would continue to let us eat and live in their house for free, and continue to pay our phone bills, etc and in return we had to either be in school or have a job after graduation and summer ended. Just simple things like that of compromise on both ends. Regardless of what you do LEGALLY they can do whatever they want because they are adults, but teaching them adult communication skills and trust, compromise, real respect can absolutely change the outcome.
Tell her since she’s so grown she can go get a job and start paying for her own stuff like adults do. Phone, gas, car ins ECT. Worked for me 
She wants to get a job and start being independent and start supporting herself then thsts what you do. You want your kids to start to grow up and be on their own. That’s the goal. What are you suggesting? She stay where she is and mom and dad are punishing her at 19, 20 and so on? Your going to tell her she can’t get and pay for her own plan? She is 18 and graduating. Let her start to grow up and be responsible.
I would say ok yes she’s 18 or soon to be. Than she gets a job pays rent her own car insurance and or payments plus her own cell bill.
Stop treating her like she’s 12
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