I’d like an anonymous post. If your marriage had a timeline would you want to know? A little back story, I’ve been married for over a decade, never truly happily married. When my youngest child graduates , in 6 years, I plan to move and divorce. Financially, I can’t do it right now and guarantee the same quality of life for my kids- so I’ve decided to wait. My spouse knows I’m unhappy but I have never blatantly told him my plan. He figures I’m just going to suck it up and carry on. We’ve tried marriage counseling, which he would not share any information to the counselor. There is no affection or intimacy (he previously had prostate cancer which made intimacy difficult) I’ve told him for years I need more out of him, help around the house, pay attention to me, be involved with the kids… the help around the house was put on the children and he still does nothing. He swears I’m the love of his life and would do anything for me. I can barely stand being around him, and have never thought he was the love of my life. Do I tell him the only thing getting me through is my plan to leave? Or do I just carry on until I’m closer to execution? It feels like I would be handing him a live grenade and making him hold it for 6 years…
Either way is a risk. That’s 6 years of your life…just waiting for tomorrow. However, if you tell him, he may push you out. You may be able to file and get spousal support, help from friends or family. I just wouldn’t be able to wait around for 6 years…
Communication is key. You need to tell him how you feel. Maybe he feels the same.
You sorta fall into the position of “Should I turn to the left where nothing is right, Or Should I turn to the right where nothings left”, Then comes the ol’ saying “Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that’s why life is hard.” Find your peace and roll with it💗
It’s real easy for these people to judge………if u feel waiting is what’s best for you and your family then wait!!! These people can say it’s this and that and it’s this and that for you to wait but they cannot possibly understand a situation like yours unless they have been there. I say keep things as civil and calm till you are absolutely ready!!! Frankly I think it’s very commendable to stay because you know it’s what’s best for the kids right now! As long as things are civil. When it’s time and you are ready prioritize your happiness. You do absolutely deserve it!
Don’t wait. Trust me the kids see more than you know and the benefits of a Happy Mom will by far out weigh the benefits of the lifestyle they are use to. The emotional/mental damage that is being caused (to you and the kids) by staying is far worse than losing out on a few material items.
Why wait? If you’re unhappy I’m sure the child can tell. Better to have two happy homes rather one sad miserable one. I was 8 when my parents divorced and it definitely was easier for and on me being in two peaceful homes. They also lived right down the road from each other which made school and summers easier. I’d stay with mom 6 months and dad 6 months so I didn’t have issues with school. My mom or stepdad at the time would drop me off at my dad’s to catch the bus then I’d walk down to the end of the street to wait for my stepdad toget out of work. He would leave the keys in the car for me.
Maybe being blunt with him that you want to start working harder on your relationship with him. Or have you given up?
You need to the bottom of why you two don’t have that connection. Why aren’t you two dating each other anymore? Doesn’t mean going out physically everytime. Movies at home or doing things around the house together.
Communication and effort in each other’s mental health is worth it. I think you both owe it to your marriage and kids.
6 years is a LONG part of your life that you could be happier. You can’t just play the waiting game.
Go back to school or get a job.
I personally would wait…
Take these six years to gets your ducks in a row, get a job, start saving, etc. Then you’ll be ready to leave!
You be honest with him. That’s a Huge disservice to him tying him into unhappy marriage and thinking it’s working when it’s not.
Tell him the plan and maybe it’s something can work towards together financially not just for each other but the kids.
It is a risk but continuing to lie to him and kids is just wrong on so many levels.
Put yourself in his shoes, if the roles were reversed, would you want him to tell you? There’s your answer!
You have never thought he was the “love of your life”? So, why did you marry him to begin with, instead of continuing to search for ‘the one’? Seems pretty unfair to him.
If you’re that unhappy, tell him. Why continue to use him financially and keep both of you unhappy for 6 more years? You will get child support, and possibly alimony (depending on several factors) in the divorce. It’s not fair to either of you to drag it out for years when you KNOW now that you’re going to leave him.
You just want to hurt him. I hope he leaves first. What you marry him for you’re just a user. I don’t blame him for doing the bare minimum he’s smart to see through you
I think it’s really selfish to take those 6 years from him while he’s living a lie. Let him out.
I’d leave right away. He’s happy the way everything is and is not going to change. You’re throwing away 6 more years of your life that you won’t get back you deserve to be happy
Leave so he can find someone who actually loves him, you’re wasting both of your time and chances for true happiness.
Your teaching your kids it’s okay to be unhappy and stuck around, 6 yrs is a long time anything can happen by then. Priorities seems off! He deserves to know what you are planning. So selfish of you to do that to him. You may be unhappy but atleast discuss it with him. He may be going through something esp what he is going through. Put yourself in his shoes! Leave if you want why waste his time and yours. There are resources for help lost of other way to get out there in your own. Get your own
no… only cuz you could change your mind & it’ll make your household life hell… keep it to yourself till you have everything ready then take that plunge… don’t make things harder than they have to be right now…
Can you see him happy with someone else? I suggest giving up on the depression and move on to happiness.
How are the kids feeling about you two in the same room? Can they tell you guys aren’t attracted to each other anymore?
Will you be okeh with him loving someone else? Giving someone else what you wanted from him?
The math is always, they won’t do it for you, but they’ll do it for the next one
Either end it now, or hold your tongue until you do end it. Playing games and giving ultimatums will only make it worse.
I am so sorry but pray that both of you are guided towards peace.
I would wait till it’s closer to the time that you’re not happy and you’re going to leave.
My parents waited till we were all “grown” to get divorced. Whatta mess. Just do it now.
He says you’re the love of his life….but you don’t feel he’s yours. Leave now. Tell him. It’s selfish to stay and pretend knowing it won’t last and not telling the other person. It’s also sad that you’re only staying out of financial security. Get a job and get out. Allow your husband and yourself to find real happiness.
Why don’t you discuss it with him? Sounds like he has issues and depression is probably one of them.
You will always get horrific comments which is why questions like these shouldn’t be asked to the public. You could tell him you are seriously thinking of divorcing him because it’s hard living together and you feel like you are single already. But if you tell him in 6 years, he will just laugh. Tell him you are seriously thinking about it now. He could turn things around.
Personallly I would want to know. Your allowing him to live with false hopes that things won’t change. I also believe from your post your kids are old enough to know as well, although that being said, I don’t know if your youngest is graduating from high school or college, so telling him may depend on the age. Honesty is always the best policy.
So you are using him? If thats the case you are just as bad, if not worse, than him.
I would have said tell him now , set yourself free and don’t waste another second unhappy with him but I do know how difficult it is to just pack and start again when kids are involved.
Some may say it’s selfish to stay and I would argue it is selfish of him to not care about you and your wants even though you’ve clearly expressed those to him over and over . Marriage is a partnership and if he is not pulling his weight as a husband and a father and you have given him many years to sort himself out, then tbh he deserves for you to do what’s best for you.
Use the next few years to get yourself set, so that when you do go , you’ll be prepared. In the meantime, love and find yourself again so you’re not just waiting around for the day to come. I bet he won’t even notice or care until it’s too late and by then … well that’s not your problem anymore.
Do what you gotta do… love yourself first, give the kids the best life they can have and say adios to the man who would ‘ do anything’ ( except apparently anything you have asked of him)
So you’re using him until you can get out because you’re broke? Poor guy.
Why would you want to hurt him by telling him your just there until your child graduates! If hes smart he’ll kick you out ass soon as you tell him that
Leave ASAP. Get a job. Get two. Don’t tell him. Just leave asap.
You don’t want your time left unpleasant so I wouldn’t say anything
'Scuse me. But what the fuck. Why would you marry him, let alone create a family and children together, if you never felt that way about him. How about you get yourself a little jobby job and start stashing cash to be able to pay for yourself somewhere to go. You absolutely should do it now, regardless if you can provide the same quality of life for your kids or not. Lots of people struggle, but to literally use him like this is disgusting. Do him a solid and at least be 110% honest with him. About everything.
Don’t waste anymore of his time. Your kids would be better off seeing you happy and alone , then unhappily married. They may also resent you if they realize that you wasted their dad’s time and broke his heart. If you’re unhappy with no hope of a fulfilling marriage, then move on no matter how hard it is
He deserves so much better,
You’re using him for his finances for what you can take from him.
Shame on you!
I would wait for the execution…life is to short to be miserable.
He is probably depressed about CA to begin with and anxious it may get worse. As for you NO ONE FORCED YOU TO MARRY HIM and it sounds like you only did it for financial support not love. SHAME ON YOU FOR not committing to marrying for love. As for finances get a job and stop using this man. He probably kbows how you feel, easy to pick up on ones disinterest, get the divorce now and deal with life. Karm is REAL.
Soooo ur using him… Wow it sounds like u are the issue not him… He has cancer and ur blaming him for no intemicy… But poor u don’t wanna give up ur high life style… Ur selfish I feel for him…
Your karma will come back to get you…nuff said…
Don’t waste anymore of his life … just go . If you weren’t in it to begin with then leave. You really think he is happy ? … he is doing it in the hole that everything gets better and sorts itself out because he loves you… women like you that give all women a stereotype of only using a man for his resources
You don’t stay with someone because it is easier for YOU.
You don’t love your spouse.
You don’t want to continue the relationship.
You want a divorce.
Great- but you don’t get to use your spouse for your comfort and to make things easier until you ‘find something better’.
That’s disgusting, abusive, and a lying user.
I had an ex that did this …it screams untreated personality disorder. Do better as a human and don’t waste precious years of another persons life for your own selfishness
Stop wasting his time amd go. So selfish.
I think it’s very unkind and selfish to be in a marriage you know you are leaving.
Your better off telling him now
That it’s over
Don’t wait for your kid to finish school
Its better your child comes from a broken home then an unhappy home
I felt this. My hubby was always saying I’m the love of his life too. I wasnt happy most of the time. Questioned why I was still married. He didnt help with much for last 5 years but he was sickly. I felt like I was the caretaker and not the wife. He lost his life in july. I feel bad that I couldnt save him. Feel bad that I too considered divorce many times. Its a hard choice. I stuck it out and if he didnt pass I would still continue with what I was doing. I wondered if it was me that changed on what I wanted. Not him. He felt all the love we had was still there. Sorry that wasnt the advice u needed. Just dont have regrets on your life. Sending love.
Work towards getting yourself into a financial position so that you can afford to leave! Also build your friendships and community so that you get your non intimate needs met elsewhere (ie companionship etc)
It’s selfish of you to use him. Good grief, get a job and do him the favor of getting out of his life.
Wow some of these comments are just clueless. People are so ugly. She’s saying her husband is neglectful and unloving and she wants to stay so her kids lives are not torn apart. That’s not selfish. Staying with a man that claims to love you but doesn’t act like it and trying for 10 years to fix the issues in the marriage is not using him. She tried for a long time and he never cared about her feelings. Just because she never felt he was the love of her life doesn’t mean she never loved him. Maybe she lost the love of her life in the past. Sorry people but not everyone ends up marrying the love of their life. That’s pretty stupid to believe that. Lol. The love of my life left me for someone else. I still had to move on and find love again and try to be happy. Is my current the husband the love of my life? No I don’t feel that he is but I still love him and will be a loyal loving wife to him becausethe ship has sailed for the man i feel is the one true love of my life. Some people never meet someone they feel is their one true love. You can’t fault her marrying him and trying anyway. Obviously she loved him enough to build a family. He doesn’t have to be the live of her life to marry him. Lol. The naivete in these comments. Stop acting like she’s a bad person for marrying a man that had his life together and makes good money. Actually we dont even know if he had money when they got married so you dont need to attack her for that. Most people want to marry a man that adds value to their life and is financially stable. Thats not a bad thing. We all want a stable man just as much as a man wants a stable woman as his wife. You’re all missing the POINT! She tries for a very long time to fix the marriage and he wouldn’t do anything. He knows she’s not happy and doesn’t care about her feelings. He claims she’s the love of his life and he would do anything for her but he won’t even help in the home or woth the kids and he doesn’t pay her the love and affection that she needs to feel loved and wanted. Maybe if his actions matched his words and treated her better than she would be more in love with him again. She also said he HAD cancer, in the past, not now. And from that they fell into a routine of poor intimacy. Now that he’s healthy again he should want to restart the intimacy in his marriage but he clearly didn’t and that’s not fair to her. All you ppl calling her a bad person are just so clueless. It’s not the worst thing in the world to stay in a marriage for the kids sake as long as no one is being abused or the situation doesn’t show off in a weird way to the kids. She on did love this man before. She’s not a selfish user and no one needs to be taking pity on her "poor husband " she is making a huge personal sacrifice if she stays for 6 more years. That’s her not being selfish. That’s her putting her kids needs above her own so that they can have the same quality of life they have always had. She never said financially. Quality of life is not just about money and expensive things. So many ignorant people in the comments.
So you’re staying for money more or less? You’re using him because you can’t make it on your own??? I don’t need to know you to know that you are a selfish person who only thinks about themselves, I wouldn’t show you any affection either What happened to in sickness and in health??? KARMA is real, and you are totally wrong, leave him and take care of yourself, stop using him because you can’t make it on your own. Is everyone reading this??? And men are so bad??? There’s a lot of female vultures out there too. God bless this man:disappointed:
So basically your staying and USING this poor man for money for 6years, how do you think your kids will feel?! They won’t thank you!.. “suck it up!” Or leave now… dont be a money grabber
Alot can happen in 6 years.
So your dragging him along just to up and leave? If your not happy just say so instead of leading him astray. I’m sure you’d appreciate the same if he was going to do that to you. Maybe being 100% honest with him will help him realize that he’s going to lose you and then at that point he may pull up his socks and try harder. But don’t be a shitty person, be upfront and honest.
You’re wasting his time and 6 years of his life. How selfish. He can never get this time back, if you don’t want him move on so he can do the same. How could you actually think this is okay.
You should just leave now. There’s government assistance if you need financial help. It’s selfish to stay with someone and waste there time if you aren’t in it for the long haul. The sooner you leave the sooner he can find someone who actually loves him, he isn’t getting any younger.