Im 75 and a mum of 3 grown up girls…all have their own families of their own. 2 live interstate and the other one lives close by…I get along really well with 2 but in the last few yrs or so the relationship with my youngest has gone downhill. I dont hear from her …she doesnt come to my house to visit or bring the kids over. I used to look after the baby until I had a fall and broke my wrist. so couldnt do it anymore. She doesnt text or include me in family outings apart from birthdays or xmas I get to go to their house for a while…ive been ill lately and in hospital but even tho she lives nearby I havnt heard from her. I get on really well with my other 2 girls and used to have a really close relationship with her but she has just distanced herself . Ive asked her about it but she says nothing is wrong and she just ends up screaming at me so I leave it alone. this breakdown with my daughter who I love dearly hursts me terribly as her sisters and I get along really well…its hard to understand and its really hurtful…shes my daughter its hard to just kiss the relationship goodbye but its hard getting hurt over and over so im not sure what to do…but then come xmas or birthday she buys me all the flowery cards and beautiful gifts yet last year when she asked me what I wanted for a birthday gift I said nothing I would just like to see u once a week for half an hour…she came once for 10 mins…its not that Im lonely I have lots of friends and get out as much as I can and I definiatly dont want to live with her and the her family. I have my own house and drv my own car and hope I can stay independent here for many of years yet…I would just like to have a relationship with my daughter like I do with her sisters…what should I do? my other 2 daughters dont understand her attutude either?
…you all did see that this Mama is 75 and had been I injured, right? How is it she should need to travel to visit one a week?
What I see from this post is zero ownership. A relationship doesn’t get to this point without a breakdown from both parties. There won’t be any healing until you can figure out what has happen to make her put up a boundary.
Sounds like what my mom would say about me with our relationship. For us, effort goes both ways but the real problem is much deeper and personal really. It spans over 27 years too and now I just have boundaries to protect my kids n I. She’s not allowed to watch my kids, either. Try asking her, try talking to her maybe its something she did or something you did.
It sounds like it her home life behind doors, she protecting you from she going through trouble waters and always I mean always we take out on the ones we love I pray iam wrong but I seen this sign before in my own family she be back mom pray it’s not before God calls you home.
Have you tried making the effort ? Why put it on her. She has a family and probably a career and her own life to live. She’s probably very busy. Why don’t you call and say you’re going over there to see the grandbabies ? Tell her you would like to have the kids and her over for dinner next weekend. Doesn’t have to be on her to make the plans.
My one brother acts like that to me and I decided I don’t need or want toxic people in my life so I keep him at arms length you can love your daughter but you don’t have to like her
I lost my mom almost 2 years ago , I’m busy with work kids home life but i do make a point to go see my dad once a week . He don’t live far but once I’m done work get dinner on the go I’m just exhausted. Maybe try reaching out to her to see if she can make a little time for you .
Have you tried making the effort of visiting her once a week we all get caught up with life apecuky with kids, ny sister never saw our dad even though he wanted to see her, I’m thankful for my daughter cause she bought me and my dad closer and he used to take us out for dinner once a week and so thankful he made that effort cause I probably would of got up in life and not seen him as much but it’s a real comfort speculy when he passed that I spent once or twice a week with him l, so maybe just try and make the effort and offer to take her out for dinner even if somewhere cheap xx
It’s this generation of entitlement. They don’t appreciate they’re not grateful for anything and all the things you did for them. They don’t understand that they come to time when you need them to start giving the caring and the helping and being there for you. As I told my kids I know you’re done with me but I’m not done with you I need you now more than ever.
Can you visit her? Maybe just show up at her door sometime. Maybe she has untreated mental illness that colors her view of things, maybe her spouse or someone else is isolating her from family or influencing her.
Do whatever you need to create an acceptable scenario in your head to allow you to live with the situation as it is. Does she shy away from her sisters also? Is there anything you’re doing/saying/being that could be part of the problem but everyone is too circumspect to talk about in fear of your reaction? What are you pretending not to see?
Sending hugs and positive thoughts. The one certainty is things constantly change, so live your best life until she comes around again.
Unfortunately, you can’t do much until she does things on her own. She will regret the things she could have been doing when the time comes. Life has a way of doing so. Keep praying and stay happy it’s easier said than done but you deserve peace & happiness too. I have siblings just like your daughter. I care for my father now I care for both bc none of my siblings help much & sadly one siblings doesn’t work. I took on a full time job for insurance on my boy, take courses to try & finish my B.A & Master’s, come hm to care for my father. Get up earlier to head to my mother’s hm to care for her then head off to work. I’m done w asking my siblings for help, they’ll eventually have their regrets. God sees & knows.
Your daughter has her own life and probably has issues she can’t share with you-- too personal at this time…Pray for her. Back off for a while.
Let HER seek you out. She will, in time.
Why not organize a girly night once a month on the same night so they can all make arrangements (or bring babies if necessary) invite all the girls and do some nails and face masks and snacks and wine and music and if she doesn’t show time after Time maybe the other girls will get it out of her the reason why?
Maybe offer a pizza night… Or something she likes that you make preferably nothing that takes several hours to prepare… Not sure what she does for a living but even if its just a couple times a month its worth the effort
Could be a boundaries thing or a your expectation of her thing or your comments thing, or not respecting her home… a multitude of things. Ask her and be willing to hear her response.
I’m sending you many hugs
Prayers for you and your family AMENE
Do you reach out to her? She’s possibly going through a living hell
Maybe try planning a dinner 2 times a month with her. Find which days works better for you two & stick to it. You go to her house one time, she goes to your house the 2nd time. Even if it’s a simple meal like pizza or spaghetti & kids love that good. She probably has a lot going on & doesn’t have the time like she would & if she sees you putting in the effort too, she’ll match it.
I do want to add though that I think it’s sweet you try to have a relationship with her. My mom is 73 (I’m 27 but I was adopted so my parents are older than usual) but my mom puts in ZERO effort no matter how much I try with her. But she abused the hell out of me mentally & physically every single day growing up. But I still tried to have a relationship with her. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t talk at all. My son has seen her maybe 6 times & he’s about to turn 8. My daughter is almost one & she’s seen her twice but not cus she wanted to. My dad was in the hospital & we were visiting him at the same time.
Also, as all us parents do, we try our best to raise our kids the best we can BUT maybe there was some things in her childhood that she can’t get past & that’s why she’s distant. Talk to her & figure it out why she’s being like this. Cus it’s not for no reason, whatever the reason is.
Give it time, she may be going through something she’s not ready to share, while this is no excuse. Depression, anxiety a sense of insecurities ect… could be going on in her life. It really isn’t your place to make the move, sounds like you already tried that, now it’s her time to make the move to regain this relationship. And just a heads up…your other daughters may already know what’s going on with her but have been sworn to secretary.
Same here! My oldest never calls unless I call. My other daughter lives on my property so I see her often and my son comes and mows and changes the oil in my truck and I talk to him at least a couple of times a week. We all live in the same county. I understand she’s really tired as an Surgery Nurse. But unless its birthday or Christmas or a family thing I don’t hear from her.
Honestly I live an hour away from my parents and most of the time we only see each other on holidays, or when we need to go in to their town to do something like a doctors visit etc, if we don’t get invited we don’t go to family things etc, some people like being at home and minding their own business or just more private than others , maybe try inviting her to your home for dinner or something
maybe stop comparing her to her sisters