My perspective is do it now! By waiting you make it a ‘thing’.
She will be way more accepting than you think.
My kids are 4 and 11…they have the same father. He takes our oldest every other weekend and has never seen or met our youngest.
I’ve told him they have the same dad, he just has never met his…
(Yes dna and everything…)
I would tell her sooner rather than later, but not make a big deal of it. Just throw it into conversation. Like look at baby pictures and when you get to the photos of around ten months, say something like “and here is when Daddy found us and we got to be a family!”
When she starts asking questions. That’s what I did with my son. He was 5.
I waited til my son was 13. He had questions and still does but he understood
The sooner you start talking about it the more “normal” it will be to her. The boyfriend could leave at any point in time and never look back. Start talking to her now.
Why would you want to now?! Why would you want her to know someone that never wanted her. Speaking from experience I recommend no.
Now don’t wait you can start simple like second Dad or step Dad on occasion when she starts asking questions you can start with this is the Dad that choose to be your Dad when your blood/real Dad choose not to be your dad
I was angry at my parents at 15 for not telling me sooner. The younger the better.
I had to come clean to my older two when they were in about 5th grade. I’m glad I didn’t wait longer.
I’d say about 10 maybe sooner depending on maturity.
The earlier the better… you don’t have to spill every detail but just say it like it’s not a big deal… the older they get they will feel lied to if you tell them then.
ASAP. When young they won’t ask much. As they grow older they’ll understand more. Keep it an open convo
You can start by explaining that your fiancé isn’t the dad that made her in your tummy
Get some advice from her Dr. but definitely dont lie if she starts asking about it.
Talk to the pediatrician to see if they can guide the best time in development.
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From personal experience… do NOT wait until she’s 21 and then mention it like it’s not a big deal.
I was 6 weeks pregnant when I got with my sons “father”. He is 6 now and only knows his “father” as his father and I’ll never tell him otherwise. Call me selfish, but why ruin a good thing? His biological father has seen him in the store plenty of times and has never questioned it. If he never asks I’ll never tell. His biological father has mental problems and I wont put my son through that.
Tell her now yes she is 4 but these kids are very very SMART you will be surprised!!!
Perhaps there’s a book that can help start the discussion off?
It’s not too young. Start the conversation now so it’s not a shock later.
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Honesty is the purest form of love.
As soon as she is able to understand no secrets leads to no hurt later on
Wait till about age 6 or older so she understands more
The sooner the better…even if they dint meet. Good to know due to health reasons also shes so young she won’t really understand but at least it will be a knowing instead of being hurt later
When? Yesterday.
Never lie to your child. You can be age appropriate without being traumatizing. Often, the hang ups bing to the adult, not the child.
You need to do it as soon as possible, like now, ir u will never do it.
Now!! As soon as you see it as a conversation to be had…have it!!
Don’t! If he’s not around don’t tell her! You just confuse her!
I just can’t follow dearly moms anymore. Im sick of watching so many people destroy their kids. Yall need to grow up.
My son is 5 and my husband adopted him last year, hes known my husband as dad since he was a year old, we plan on telling him when hes a teenager and giving him the option to find his bio dad (he gave him up so he didnt have to pay support anymore) I am honestly scared because his donar is a liar and manipulator, I have all the court documents and the signed letter to him agreeing but I’m still scared.
Coming from someone who was devastated to learn that my Dad was not my bio dad when I was 23, be honest with her. Tell her the truth because the lie, however well meaning it is, hurts. I will always consider my Dad my Dad (even though I lost him 6 months ago) and I have no desire to look for my bio dad (if he wanted something to do with me he would have come forward after 36 years. He was a POS anyways). My Dad raised me and loved me after falling for my mom 2 months after I was born and I miss him every day. But it took me a while to forgive the fact that everyone knew the family secret. It made me feel like a joke.
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Always be honest about it. No matter how hard the truth is, she will appreciate the fact that it wasnt hidden. And I do believe the sooner they know. The better. 
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Just be age appropriate. You can be honest but be age appropriate. You tell her thats (your fiance) her daddy but not her biological dad, such as thats your daddy but that not who helped mommy make you, or whatever way you put it because that man if he stays is her dad and will be her dad. My fiance’s sister did that with her daughter. Around 13 she wanted to meet her dad. Reached out and he disnt want anything to do with her so she learned striaght from him. Her dad ( not her bio dad but her moms husband who has been there since b4 she was born) was stil lthere an supportive and she took his name and only talks to her half siblings. So just be honest but age appropriate.
I dont know when the best time to tell someone that news.
If you wait until they’re too old they might resent you or think you lied to them.
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I was told that my two younger brothers’ father wasn’t my dad until my 30th birthday by my aunt (mother’s sister). I have never felt such a betrayal from all parties. It has created such a mistrust between my mother and I because she 1 pretends/doesn’t know his name and two because growing up I heard rumors or my brothers’ father would say odd things when he was angry/disciplining me [your daughter instead of our daughter] me having a different last name then my brothers (their explanation was my mom was angry at my father so I have her maiden name and no father listed on birth certificate). Honesty is the best policy.
My husband has been in my daughter’s life since birth and I never hid it from her. She asks about her bio dad but unfortunately I only know his first name. Please no judgement. But she is 7 now and we have decided to do all the ancestry type things so she knows more about her other side.
First of all, don’t ever say real dad. We’re all real dads. I have 2 biological sons and 1 internationally adopted son. I was also a foster dad. These are all real forms of a father. 2nd, tell the little one immediately. No reason to lie or hide the fact that he stepped up and in to raise him the best he could. If you are in a stable, good relationship with a great person, then there is no reason to hide how he got there.
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Id wait 4 isnt old enough imo…went throu this with my brother didnt know his dad my dad adopted him at 2 when he was about 8 my mom told him he then wanted to meet his dad but his dad never made a effort to be in his life hes almost 40 now n still wont call his bio dad dad …he says my father is his
Just dont wait till shes 16 like my parents did . It was devastating for me and my dad I always knew as my dad . I’m even named after him .
I went throw this as well with my now 18 year old
I was always honest my husband her adopted dad has been there sence she was 7 months old
I was honest sperm doner was a pos that didn’t give two shits.
I never lied I told the ugly truth mine and his all of it her other family my brother and her grandfather told her the truth as well
At 14 she tried to run away with him he lives in Washington state fbi found then and brought her home after 8 hours of driving they found them in Ohio border line almost to Illinois. He told her all kinds of lies she believed them blamed me for keeping him away fast forward to her 17 year she just graduated i was strongly believing she was done with him but nope she hops on a train and leaves out to washing state as this man she dosent know has promised her the world but yet he is a dead beat with a wife and 3 girl friends and 7 more kids all by different women and my child is believing he is king but he is no he feeds her alcohol and drugs and then allows his 2 buddies to rape her
Sge is crying and begging me to find a way to bring her home.
Rant over there is no right or wrong way to tell your kids the truth if it never comes up why shudder her illusion of her dad the one who is there the one who loves her
Tell her now. Make it casual. Don’t keep it a secret. Make it common knowledge.
My mom told me when I was about 12, but the guy who i thought was my bio dad was a piece of shit lol so not sure im too much help here. I was happy he wasn’t my bio dad haha
Idk why y’all don’t say something when they start saying daddy or why you ppl start them saying it when my stepkid at the time at 2 started calling me daddy …no am not your daddy that easy
I didn’t tell my daughter until she was 16. She handled it well. She was loved by her step dad and that helped she has met her bio dad. And they have a good re,actions hip. .for a guy who wanted me to abort , and I said no, then he wanted me to adopt out. Again no. So he ran away.
Sometimes its better to wait until they are older. Warn family to mind their own business.and to keep their mouths shut. Your child your choice.
She is only 4…I mean you could tell her but she won’t fully comprehend what you mean until she is a bit older. My son had a similar situation and we just told him 3 years ago when he was 13 as we wanted him to be able to understand everything.
I told my daughter at this exact age. She didn’t fully understand but over time asked questions. Be honest and always reassure her she is loved 
please don’t wait to long you do not want someone else to tell her or let it slip.
It’s much easier for the child to accept at an early age. Simplify your answer. Your birth dad made you. This dad chose you. We are family. You are loved so much. As the child gets older and has questions, answer them. If you wait till teen years. There will be anger and hurt. Don’t make it a secret. Honesty is best. I’m sure you could find books to help. Suitable to age level. Love will make the child feel secure.
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Tell her now and just keep it simple. She only needs to know the details when she asks you but be honest. Shell thank you when shes older and doesnt have it come as a shock. You dont have to make it a big deal
I think she is too young at four to understand.
Tell her she has 2 daddies. Make it simple.
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You definitely should tell her when she is still young… but 4 seems a little too young to me… I mean how are you going to explain that to a 4 year old. Wait until she is a little bit older so that she understands what you are saying.
You’ll know the right time when I got with my husband my twins where 4.5 months old, he fell in love with them before me…lmao, but we made the decision to always let them know who their father was from the time they could speak, we never hid that fact just in case he would ever want to be in their life, and at 13 he did but he dropped back out at 15 came back a year later and left again, thats the way he’s did it for 30 years, anyway they learnt that their daddy was my hubby who was and will always be there for them, they have a small connection to their bio father but when they need a dad they come to my hubby.
Dont tell her you will destroy her world it fucked my life up when i found out my parents were not my parents when i was 6
The earlier the better.she will grow up comfortable with it.if you wait it may come as a shock &cause problems.
It will be easier if she knows from the earliest date possible that her “Daddy” chose her. Maybe say that her other Daddy did not know how to be a daddy.
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Probably when she hits purity. That’s when she will be old enough to understand. But I would do it with a counselor.
so my comment is as the child once they’re grown up… my parents didn’t lie to me BUT my biological father wanted my step dad to adopt me because “he was a better dad.” as an adult knowing this information, even though my dad broke my heart, i would of been heart broken and probably never trust anyone if i ever found out i had been lied to. the pain molded me into the person i am today.
Wait until she is older and starts asking questions. Don’t lie and don’t sugar coat. Tell her the truth but right now she is to young to comprehend anything. Maybe you won’t even have to tell her and if you do maybe she won’t care because she grew up with a loving father 
Coming from a girl who never knew her sperm donor till about 16 but always heard stories of how horrible and selfish he was. I hated her for it so one day decided to fly out cross country to see him and that was the biggest mistake ever made but knew then that mother was right. I have had a wonderful dad growing up since I was about 8 who never saw me as an option. I’m 37.
I would have a chat with your child around 8yrs old their are services that can help you both on how to approach your child in the best way possible and work on blended family
ALWAYS!! My oldest is about to be 24 and just a couple of days ago was thanking me for that . her father was abusive and later into drugs. When she was little i had just told her that we dont get along but if she ever felt she wanted to meet him i would do my best .She met him when she was 6 , he came around for a minute and the kept making plans n promises and breaking them. It was terrible to watch him break her little heart like that but i realized that if i stop her from seeing him then I AM the one breaking her heart . she got sick of him not showing up and never asked to see him again , she did learn of siblings from him and i also did my best to help her reach out to them . It was absolutely everything to hear my daughter thank me for raising her how i did . she’s thanked me for chores and even spankings . but mostly for being honest with her and letting her make her own choices especially where her family was concerned
I was adopted at birth and my parents always told me that i was special because they got to pick me as their child… Don’t over complicate it at this age but always maintain the truth in an age appropriate way… She won’t understand Bio vs. Non Bio at this age but you will plant the seed for a time that she is able to understand…then it won’t be so hard to process
Her real dad is the one thats been there for her this entire time. Her bio dad is nothing but a sperm donor and wants nothing to do with her according to you. So why put her in a situation where she may or may not want to meet someone who could very well just break her heart.
Just be honest with her but maybe not tell her that her bio dad doesn’t want to know her as that will hurt her even more. Also tell her that you won’t stop her from knowing him if its what she wants in time.
My nephew adopted his daughter and she is our family and I would fight anyone who said otherwise.
so you’re Fiance is her daddy, and her father is her father. Make a plaque and put it on the wall.
My Daddy is my Daddy he
Has unconditional love
My Father is my Father a ma
I may never know ,
My Mommy is my Mommy she
Loves Me Every Day
I have the same struggle mom😲 I thought I was the only one. My difference is that now my ex wants to meet her via video call because he is in a different country. It was an abusive relationship so he keeps telling me he is taking her away from me and he does scare me. My daughter was born with a rare heart condition so she can’t be in a stressed environment. I don’t know what to do. But I do know 4 years is to young. I would wait until she is 12❤ but honestly there is no perfect timing.
Doesn’t matter when you tell her, it will break her heart. Just to "think he didn’t want her "
I think when she can understand more prob around 7 year old. Now it would just upset her and she wouldnt really understand
He is her daddy he just isn’t her father. Idk when to tell her best wishes
Don’t believe everything people say misery loves company
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Tell her when she is like 15 years old she is to young to understand now
If your fiancé is adopting her, that’s her dad. You need to have that conversation some day. But is it today? It depends on how he is with her and if the other joker doesn’t want anything to do with her, why open that door for nothing but heartache.
Little background: my husband and I are both adopted. So we emotionally understand the importance of honesty when it comes to knowing where we come from…
My husband and I met when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. My son has always called him daddy. But since he was able to comprehend blood and love (which was around 3-5yrs old) we started to remind him that “daddy chose to love you”. We used age appropriate language to tell him that biologically he was only mine in our family and took it slow and constant. Our son is 8yrs old now and he has asked “where is my birth father?” I have told him, “he doesn’t live around here anymore” Which is true
He has asked “why isn’t my birth father my daddy?” And I have answered “Your birth father wasn’t ready to be a daddy when I became pregnant with you. So we thought it best that we go our separate ways.” which is true for his age comprehension (he doesn’t need to know the messy details yet)
Two of the biggest things we focus on is always telling the truth and that love is thicker than blood. It takes a man to make a baby but it takes a father to raise one. Our son is proud of his story because “I may not have daddy’s blood, but I have daddy’s heart.”
it is never too late to start telling your child the truth about their biology! There is NOTHING wrong with where your child came from. And keeping that “secret” away from them long term will impact them with self identity and trust issues. They are loved, and that is what matters most.
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Personal opinion: if your husband is absolutely acceptive of your daughter and is acting like a real father and the bio father is absent and doesn’t wish to be part of her life; I would spare her a heart ache and tell her when she’s an adult. I know it sounds wrong, but the asshole of bio father chose to step out so why even bother giving him the title “father” when he’s not. Meanwhile, while rising your child do teach her true values, counting her blessings and being grateful, so when she’s old enough she’ll have the tools to understand and heal.
My son knew he had a father somewhere but hadn’t seen him since he was two years old. I think he started asking about him at about six yrs of age. At 14 he decided I was so mean that he was going to call his real Dad and move in with him. I gave him the number of his Aunt, who was the only family member who ever came to see us. She asked to speak to me and we found out Dad was in prison for life. Hard to take at any age. My Father took him for a visit, then a few months later I took him. It was. Seven hour drive away so couldn’t go sooner. His bio Dad sent him 4 letters over the seven years left in my Son’s life and each was bible oriented so he didn’t ask to ever see him again. My Son died in a car accident because a deer jumped in front of his car. I was so thankful that bio Dad was never around. He left me one dollar taped to the dining room table with a note saying see how far you can get with this bitch. I still have the dollar.