When is it okay to play the mom role to the step child?

Hi, I don’t know if this is a question that’s been asked a lot, but I have no one else to turn to. First of all, I’m the step, mum, and the child is living with her dad and me. When do you draw the line as a step mum? What I mean is- is there anything I should or shouldn’t do or speak to my stepchild about? She has on-off issues with her mum and sees her a few times a month, but sometimes I don’t know when I should step in and say something about chores, emotions, or even their relationship as it seems quite fractured at the moment.


Your her parent. Your her mother figure while she’s at her fathers so anytime is fine to talk to her bout chores and emotions. I don’t think bringing up her mom would be good unless she brings it up

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You treat her as your own, you don’t argue about bio mum and you discuss discipline with her father first. Her relationship with her mother is her own and not yours to sort out or put your opinion on. If she is upset about her mum, tell her adults have bad days to but her mum still loves her.


Just love her like your own, despite her relationship with her mom dont ever speak ill of her. Your husband will know best also. I have 3 bonus kids that I have an amazing relationship with. I tell all of our kids I’m the mom in this house and he is the dad in our house. No one is being replaced

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You’re a mom to that child, whether or not the bio mom is in the pic. You said she only sees her a few times a month so you’re the mom the rest of the time, in my opinion. I’d talk with your husband & set any boundaries with him.


I think use your gut and think about if it were your biological child. But a child should follow your rules and boundaries. I would stay clear of the mom topic and if she says something say basic things so she understands she’s heard but that you’re not giving an opinion, hard line to walk.

I would talk to her father and see what he feels and thinks. You’re not her mom but you are a BIG part of her life and she lives with you. :slightly_smiling_face:

That’s somethinng to speak with her father about. However y’all are living together so raise her as your own!

My step daughter has lived FULL time with my husband and I for two years (very little contact with Bio-Mom) I do everything with her as I do with my own daughter, I never speak Badly of her Mom, But I do listen and talk when she wants to. My step daughter JUST decided last week she wants to go to her Moms 3 days/week from now on because she “doesn’t like our rules” she’s 14 and I’ve been in her life for 6 years. It’s a hard role to play when bio-mom is so toxic, But I just do what I would want someone to do for my daughter.

There is no boundaries. Your her mom point blank period. The only steps in a home should be the ones on the porches.


Be there for her as a mom not a step-mom.
My husband isnt my older 2 kids dad but you know what he IS their dad in every other way. There for them when sick, feelings are hurt, is there for sporting events school events, he is there when they are amazing kids and he talks them up and is there when they aren’t so good and let’s them know theres always tomorrow to be better.
Have real conversations with her and just BE THERE.

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I think its do funny how we “ask to play that role” but a man steps up and does the dad role hes doing a good thing. A woman does it, she stepping over boundaries


I would def speak to dad make sure you 2 are on the same page when it comes to your step daughter. It will get better for you and your family :stuck_out_tongue:

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Love her like your own and bond with her before trying to step in as disciplinary while dad does that part and then once you’ve formed a bond with her and she trusts you etc. then talk with dad about your role. Respect all boundaries and she will love you for it and your relationship with be one of love and respect not fear❤️

I would always express issues to the dad before so that if anything gets fired up between the mom he has your back

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You are the mom, Not by birth but because you are there. Have this discussion with your spouse about how they feel about what and how things should be. As you both want to be on the same page… But i see it as if the child is living with you 99% of the time the child should follow the rules of the house. Treat this child as your own dont put the STEP in front of child. I have 4 children 2 are my bonus children i love them all the same. If your child comes to you answer the questions the best you can. If you dont know the answers let them know you dont know but will find out and let them know.

I’ve been a stepmom for 17 years. As far as stuff in your home take charge mama. I’d stay out of the relationship the child has with their mother unless they bring it up.

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I’ve raised everyone else’s children, disciplined, loved and paid for their education. I was not married to the fathers. Your job as an adult is to leave them better than you found them. As an adult we should be good role models regardless of whether they are ours or not. Have the discussion with the parents.


I have 4 bonus kids and to them i am “mom” bcuz their bio isnt allowed near them. Just love the child like u would your own child. Dont make them feel like they arent “your child”.

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My step daughter lived with her dad and me from the ages of 8-14. The mother got her every other weekend. She didn’t have a good relationship with her mother at the time. She would vent and I would let her. I never let her disrespect her mother. I did most of the disciplining, being I wasn’t working at the time and Dad works a lot. You are a mother figure to her, since she lives with you and sees you more than her mother. Treat her as your own. I have a 5 year old with my SD’s dad and I never treated them differently. Talk with the child’s Dad about the role you are expected to have in her life. Then, you sit down as a family and explain rules and expectations.

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You treat her as your own. You are her parent. Discuss issues with dad. Make a plan. If she talks to you about bio mom look at both sides. Do NOT make judgements. Also, don’t be afraid to say you don’t have the answers!!!

Let her know ur there 2 listen if she ever needs 2 talk.

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I don’t know how old she is but if age appropriate ask her as well. If you have her full time you are the main stay in her life. She needs boundries. Love and yes discipline. You and dad have to be on the same page or there will be trouble ahead. Good luck.

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I would talk to dad, but if the child lives with you then I feel like it should be like your the mom to that child. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship once my husband and I got married they became my husband kids too and he does way beyond the dad role. There bio dad was hardly around and my husbabd adopted them a few years ago. We just talked about everything constantly and agreed on all the rules in our house and did what we thought was best.

My mom and I have an amazing relationship. I love her and its mutual but, my step mom raised me. She made me the person I am today and while we may have had our fair share of drama I always knew she loved me as one of her own. And I always knew she was trying to make me a better person. So i guess what i am saying is if your heart is in the right place you should give that child a life they deserve no matter what it takes.


Oh please step in. Be her mom. Especially if her mom is that absent in her life. If she lives with you then you are the other parent regardless. Please dont wait based on the fact that she isnt biologically yours.

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I would have a conversation with Dad about your desire to take on the role as a mom. Not to replace her mom but to give her love, and boundaries. Once you’ve had that conversation with Dad go for it girl! She’s your kid now too!! Just remember you’re not there to be her friend. Your role will be to shape a respectable, functional human! So don’t be afraid of tough love!

I’m a step mom too. My husband and I talked about boundaries and everything when our relationship first started. I don’t really have any. I treat, love and rise her just the same as our two other boys. I’d say communicate with your so and find out how he feels.

She needs a mother figure so be that for her. Let her vent about her mother but do not say negative things about her mother. You and her dad set the rules and chores TOGETHER sitting down with her and letting her know how your household is done.
Do fun things with her like a mother and daughter would do. Nails, hair, lunch… etc.,…

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I would build a relationship with a the child first and discuss it with the dad and combine the two let things flow but the only way that will work is to love the child once you establish love the rest will come natural I think it’s just my opinion.

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Don’t force her to discuss it with you, let her know you’re there for her to listen or even look into therapy if she’s not comfortable talking to you or her dad about it. The best thing you can do for her is just be there for her. She needs normalcy and while I didn’t agree as a child, chores bring normalcy and routine.

Keep communication open I mean I’m not a step mom but if some reason my child can’t come to me I would love them to be able to talk to the other mama kids need you to be a mom to be able to talk about life emotions problems treat her like she is your own I have a teen brother in law I help raise and he comes to me about problems and advice and those difficult questions he’s afraid to really ask anyone else

Just be there for her and love her as much as possible

Being a step parent can be hard, you’re expected by most to treat the child as your very own in every aspect, except discipline and the bio parent relationships. It sounds so absurd. My kids have 2 step moms, my wife and their dad’s, and in both homes our wives are the stay at home parents. They do everything for our kids… I expect them to raise my kids 100% like theirs, they are theirs too :woman_shrugging: step moms and moms alike are OFTEN the stay at home parent, but regardless, it’s about the kids. If my kids are acting a fool, plz do something. I’m not raising fools :woman_facepalming:


Just treat her like she your child, love her like your own and don’t refer to her as your step child, it’s hurtful. If she want to talk about her mother let her and be neutral.


You should treat her as if she were your own

I lived with my dad and step mom on and off when I was younger, although I had a great relationship with my mom my step mom was my “mom” too. She helped raise me and my sister. She cleaned up puke, took us to hair appointments, bought us girl things when we needed them, talked about boys, but she also had rules for us like she did her own kids. If she didn’t step in about chores/emotions or anything I honestly probably would’ve tried to walk all over her. I’m glad she was a “mother” to me. Now I have 2 moms!


Love her like she’s your own child and it’ll just happen. I drove myself crazy trying to make a relationship with my stepdaughter. Include her in activities. We used to do “girls night” and hangout in the living room all night watching movies, eating out snacks and painting nails. So, Be her friend but also don’t be afraid to be her parent because she obviously needs a stable mother figure in her life.


This is something you need to talk to to her dad about. You should definitely take the mom role while you have her, but also sit down with him and ask about some trickier things like discipline and how he feels about you stepping in, etc


This is so hard I’m a step mom too


When my husband now moved in my daughter was told that
she didn’t have to call him dad. But she will respect him as a adult he he say something she had to listin. Now if I disagreed with what was said or how he handled the issue at hand we talk later about it never infront of her.

That is something you and you partner have to figure out together. They both knew coming in that my child will respect him and he would respect her. But at the some time he had to right to but his foot down whenever he needed to.

Now they are bestfriends. She calls him dad and they fight like every child and parent does.


Depending on the age of the child. If shes around 10 or older you could just sit and talk with her about it. Ask her how she feels about your role in her life. Ask her what boundaries she feels shouldnt be crossed. And when one of those arrise you get her dad involved by telling him “i think she would be more comfortable if you addressed this”

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Being a step parent is a hard one. Communication openly is the best. When it comes to chores everyone in the home should be expected to do the norm for age appropriate. I would have a talk with dad alone. Then all together. Best wishes. Never negative talk about bio mom is ok. She will get that on her own soon enough.

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Depend on really how long you have been in their life. I have been with my husband since my step daughter was 1 and we have 50/50 custody. Ive always treated her as my own. She chooses to call me mom eventhough her mom is in her life just as much as her dad and I. I punish her I make her do chores I enforce rules I am also the parent. And I feel if hee mother was married her step father would have those same rights.

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Id say talk to your partner first and see how comfortable he is with you stepping in. If you have been together a long time, I dont see an issue with that. But id definately make sure its okay with him first…

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I’m the the mommy of my house and she their mommy in their house they know who gave birth to them and the kids love and respect me

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If she feels free to talk to you go ahead. All kids should have chores.

Just be an open source of comfort for her. Obviously if she isn’t doing chores, speak to her about that but don’t force her to open up to you about her personal issues. If she wants to come to you, she will. Just make sure she knows that you’re there for her if she ever does want to talk.

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The only thing you shouldn’t do with your step child is keep secrets from either of their parents and suggest or try to force them to call you mom.

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Do not speak about the bio mom in any negative way. Plus remember just because you are step mom doesnt mean child is allowed to disrespect you. Treat child as your own. When they grow up they will realize it


I’m a step mom also, and their dad and me also have a child. I’ve been in their lives for 4 years, and over time we’ve developed the entirety of our relationship. The oldest (6 1/2) chose to start calling me mom, out of the blue. Which is perfectly fine with us. The youngest, (5) calls me by name, perfectly fine with us. My husband presents our household just as that. Our household and our family. There are rules, chores and routines. Doesn’t matter to either of us which one enforces them. In the beginning, we only had them every other weekend and one day a week. Now, we have them 50/50 so we are just a normal family who all love each other equally. Don’t put pressure on it…it will happen. Talk to their dad, have open communication and ask his opinion too. I often do, and find we agree on much more than I thought we would. (As far as boundaries and things of that nature). They are my babies too, even though they aren’t biological, in my heart they are. Thts what matters


I would mind your business on the relationship with the mom unless the child is willing to open up and talk about it. I do not see an issue with offering insight about it with your spouse though. Then on the other hand while she is in your home she needs to follow your rules. From bedtime to chores. Wish you the best.

Never ever speak on the mother daughter relationship you can be there for her to vent. Id discuss chores with her as family with dad there as well.

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Love her like your own child, and dont say anything bad about her mom and be supportive when it comes to her and her mothers relationship. That’s the only difference in my opinion.


Love her. Love her the way you think she deserves to be loved. If that means disciplining her when she’s not following the rules of your household, do it. If that means talking to her when you feel she needs someone to talk to, or she’s hurting, or she’s having trouble navigating life, do it. Be the person in her life you had/wished for growing up. Don’t speak ill of her mother in front her, but you don’t have to pretend that if her mother lets her down, that she has to accept that. If her mother makes promises she doesn’t keep and this girl comes home and complains about it, tell her, “That’s not ok. No one should break promises, especially not Mommies or Daddies or me. But sometimes people do. And sometimes it’s a genuine mistake, and sometimes it’s because we aren’t doing the best we can. Either way, I’m sorry that happened to you. What can I do to help you feel better?” Don’t excuse any bad behavior with a child, including your own. Just remember, blame is not the goal, recovery is. Good luck!

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Dont EVER dog her mom, no matter how you or she feel. Kids tend to forgive their parents but she will always remember what you said when she does.
She knows deep down and she doesnt need anybody else telling her.


Not sure if you and her father have any other children…
CHORES: But if so, chores are easy! Make a rotational chore list where all pitch in, and where one child doesn’t feel they’re always getting the hardest chores. Easier to see fairness when it’s right there in written word. If no other kids, could make one using yourself and hubby rotating certain chores with her. Of course she would be responsible for her own room cleaning, just as everyone else should be.
Emotions: Here’s the tough one. Especially in teenager world. Set examples while they’re young if possible. Basically set examples! Kids learn by example.
As for the way the child expresses anger, frustration, sadness (all the crappy emotions) absolutely make it known YOU are not to be treated unfairly. Perhaps instead of focusing on being “stepmom” focus on being “parent” or “adult/elder”.
Example: Teach the child that yelling AT a parent/adult figure in the home is not tolerable BUT TALKING about anger/frustration etc is always welcomed and appreciated by both parents/adults in the house.
Not to be dabbled in too deeply. That may hurt but your role is Mom while she’s with you. The ONLY time you should get too involved would be if there was real danger.
Make sure to casually ask how her wknd was (or any visits with BIOMOM)
Be general with any questions (but don’t dig too deep, that is for Dad if he needs to)
Be happy for her when/if she shares news with you (something they did, other relatives she saw etc over visit)
But let her tell you details. If she knows you’re open & loving she will talk to you when she feels like it. That might change in teenage years. Don’t take that personally! Everything changes in teenage years lol They naturally want to test boundaries. Just BE THERE & hopefully they’ve learned :arrow_up: Parent/Adult should be treated with respect.

Oh, and she lives there, she can help around the house. That makes her a member of the family.

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I think it depends on how long you’ve been in her life,do you get along, etc.

I get it. My step-son lives with us and goes to his grandma’s every other weekend. Just be there for her and talk to dad about what roles you should or shouldn’t do.

You should be the very best Mom to her as possible and let her know that she can talk to you about anything. If and when she’s ready she will talk to you about it. NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HER MOM TO HER!!! I divorced a man 20 years ago when his son was 7 and my stepson and I are still in contact, and he has told me that I was a very important part of his life many times.

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I think honestly all this depends on how long you’ve been in the childs life and the preexisting relationship . Personally from a child of a single dad I absolutely hated nothing more then when my dads girlfriends would try to mother me , because In my eyes I had a mom , and it felt like they were trying to take her spot. And I wasn’t open to having a good relationship with them for that reason. I would most definitely talk to dad about how you feel , and certain boundaries you feel it’s best for you to handle and ones he should handle and what y’all should handle together . Then once that is done I would then sit down with the child just y’all 2 maybe go out together and just have open communication. Let the child know that you want what’s best , and you aren’t tryin to take anyone’s place , and that your always there to talk. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t force anything , good communication and just being available.

U should have her do chores around the house

You let her know you love her and that you are there for her and if she needs to talk about anything at all you are willing to listen

If she lives with you then you be a mom whenever she needs it. She should be helping with chores.

Just my opinion here, but if birth Mom can not be bothered to have a real relationship with her child, & the child lives with you full time, get rid of the word “step” & become this childs real mother…she needs it!

Build that loving bond, teach her chores, do school work & functions, teacher her about hair, clothes, makeup (you dont mention age~ so as its appropriate for her age). Go for girls lunches, go shopping, & when the bond is strong, as you are doing things, keep the conversation light, but ASK THE CHILD her feelings on the subject. How she feels about her mom, you, her dad, how her life is going, where she wants her life to go, give her an option on how to build or let go of a relationship with bio mom, & ask what kind of relationship she wants with you.

You may find she is just waiting for you, as the adult, to say that you want to be her full time mom. Offer all the hugs & kisses you have to give, & let her & Dad both know you are all in 100% if they will have it that way. Of course you will have to talk about discipline as well, but make a rule now, there will be no hitting as punishment, you will use words to correct her, and time out & taking things away for misbehaving. Then she knows what to expect when that time comes, but she will never fear being hit when in trouble. Thats a BIG one & your child will love you even more for that stability!


Treat her as if she was yours!

I’ve been there… It can be hell. Treat her like you do the other children - if thetes more in the house". Don’t talk bad of her mom, children aren’t stupid. They pick up on stuff & figure out for theirselves how people are. Love her & one day she’ll understand you tried your best.

It depends on how long you have been around and her age. When my daughter was younger we put up with the crap from her bio mom and just bit our tongue. As she got older we were just bluntly honest whenever she asked about it. She acted out really bad when she was younger. As she got old enough to understand what was happening and as we got more open with her things have gotten better. However she rarely sees her mom, maybe a day or two every few months and she is usually ignored or put.in bad situations when she goes there to the point we may not be allowing her to go much more. It’s a sad situation, but her mom cares more about drinking and partying than being a part of her child’s life. It’s all situational.

Definitely love her like you would your own. Treat her with respect. Have her respect you and follow the rules set by you and your husband.

I think you and your husband need to have a conversation regarding punishment. It’s his child and what you do will depend largely on him and what hes comfortable with. Obviously I’m not saying let her treat you however she wants bc he isnt comfortable with you disciplining her or whatever. But you two need to be on the same page and have a united front. Just sit him down and ask him what he is comfortable with in that regard.

You will never replace her mum but sort of step into the role of being the auntie she adores :kissing_heart:

How old is she? Talk to dad to see what he thinks, then have a sit down and talk to her as well. Let her know your not trying to replace her bio mom, but that you love her like you were her mom

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I like to think of my boyfriend’s kid’s as my bonus kid’s :slight_smile: Even though we’re not married I hate the word step when it comes to kid’s. Treat her like you would your own. Tell her you love her and you are always there for her whenever she needs you. Take her out and do something special with her. Maybe the 2 of you can find a hobby or something you have in common that just the 2 of you can do together? Make her help with chores and treat her just like you would treat your own kid’s. You can build a relationship with her and still have expectations from her just like you would any other member of your household.

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My believe is if you married someone with children you’d better make sure you can live them like your own remember they don’t get to choose who their parent are. If you show love you’ll get love. I raised my kids. And grandkids this way.

I would not talk to her about her mom without her dad in the beginning. Have conversations with him about any concerns and I ly offer a listening ear. Even if her relationship with her mom is fractured, she’s her mom and you always love your mom and want her in your life even when you hate her as a child.

As far as chores and such, be firm but understanding. Sit down with dad, draw lines and have him tell her in front of you what lines you are allowed to draw and boundaries you will be enforcing. She should respect you but you’re not the main disciplinarian either.

Whatever boundaries you set, set them in love and make sure they are no more or less harsh than any your bio children will have. If she feels like she’s being treated some kind of way because she’s not from your body, she will have outbursts and shut downs.

It’s hard to strike a balance but the key is being united as a family with her dad leading the way.

And if at all possible, do your best to make nice with Mom and never to say any negative words that your daughter can hear. Never. Never ever. Let the child determine how she feels about mom because anything you say about her mom she thinks you are saying about her as a biproduct.

As a child of both step mom and step dad. Treat child just like your own. Make her do chores and all that you would make your child do. Remember to yourself that you are a bonus mommy not a replacement mommy. Both my step parents treat me like they treat their own kids

Be the best MOM to her. Treat her as you would your own child. Just never speak on issues about her mother, or speak ill of her mother. Your job as a step mom is to be her mother when her mother isnt around.

I have a bonus son and we go toe to toe some days. But kids are kids. If he acts out I discipline him. After a year he rather play games with me than dad. He doesn’t want nothing to do with his mom and stepdad. But he has chores and gets in trouble just like my other 4. Treat him like your own

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My step daughter is 7. Her mom has little to no contact with her, per the mom’s choice. The day I came into their lives, I’ve always treated her like my daughter. We had zero issues until they’d been living with me for 3-4 months. Then it started. I had a talk with her dad about my roles and he said I’m the mom, step or not, I’m her mom so it’s my responsibility to teach her certain things. Especially because he’s an over the road truck driver and it’s me and her 6-7 days alone at a time.

I feel it’s important to always treat them like your children and to build a strong bond with them.

If Dad has a problem with it, then that’s when I’d change my tune. But it’s important to talk to him about how he wants to punish her as well. I always consult my SO before I give her any type of punishment so I don’t cross a line.

But it seems like this child doesn’t have an active mom, and it’s important for her to have one.

What I told my child was “I didn’t give birth to you, but you are my baby girl. I will love, protect, and take care of you for your entire life. I will always be a bonus mom to you, but I will never replace your mom. You don’t have to call me Mom, you can call me whatever you’d like. But you are my daughter and I will always treat you as such.”

Our bond is unbreakable, and believe me - her mom has tried.

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U will love her as ur own and treat her with love . Love is the key for happiness.

Treat as though she was yours… She needs a mum… She needs routine… Don’t try be her friend… Be the parent…

Its your house.your husband your kid…if you sont step up who will

Absolutely love and treat her as your own…but I think this is a conversation you need to have with dad not the women on here. Find out what hes comfortable with you doing and what not. If he respects you and wants the best for his kid then i dont see why he would have an issue with little chores, time outs ect.

Just treat her like you would your own daughter, be loving and make sure your h household has rules and dicispline. Just try to be as positive as you can about her mother.

You are mom now be mom lots and lots of love and hugs don’t be like I am your mom or anything pretty much you pay the price with non of the glory

I never refer to myself as “mom” when enforcing rules. I’m a “ parent” and the grownups are in charge in our house, period & point blank. I’m not dealing with teenagers yet, but I didn’t have a mother growing up & @ 16 my dad started dating someone that eventually married. I’ll never call her mom because she didn’t try to be parent. I’m very involved with my step daughter & I don’t want to push that boundary because quite honestly, I know what i do for her. She’s recently started really connecting with me, on her own & I know if I pushed that, I could push her in the opposite direction because she loves her mama & they always will. The last thing you want is to ever create resentment or her to think you’re trying to “take moms place” regardless if they’re the worst mother in the world. I let them use the phrase stepmom when they were ready, they ask lots of questions about why they have dads last name, but mom didn’t & it’s opened us to be able to communicate about the different family types & many dynamics of households. Good luck!

I invited my boyfriend’s Daughters Mom over to my house, the first time I met their Daughter, because it was a huge step for all of us. The Mom told me a couple of hours after we sat talking, that I’m more than welcome to discipline their Daughter if and when needed. We still get updated pictures of their Daughter, they moved to a different Region :disappointed:

Just be kind to them laught with them be a good friend and it will all fall into place

Your the mother treat her the same as u did your kids, thats what i did thier grown now,

For all purposes YOU ARE THE MOTHER.


She clearly needs you.

As hard as it is…DONT say bad stuff about her mom.
If she does, just listen.

Love her.
Enjoy her.
Hopefully the two of you will have a happy relationship.

You are wonderful for stepping up.

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treat her like a child…your child & go on from there

Hi hunni we have had full custody of my fiancées daughter for 2 years in feb, she will be 16 in March , she hasn’t spoke to her mum since October 18( mums choice) I suppose it depends on the age, in all senses I’m her mum now, good and bad , I treat her I give her spends I also tell her off when she’s in the wrong xx

I would say it would depend on how much “a few times a month” is.
Your role as a step mom, is to be there for them, care for them (physically, mentally and emotionally), and provide/maintain rules in your household/when child is with you, that you see suitable for your home.

Talking about important aspects of life, that’s part of that role. Being a step mom is literally that, being a second mom that helps raise the child. I think the only real over bearing things a step mom can do is “firsts”, or going against things they know the mother is not okay with/doesn’t allow, or not letting the mother see the child for no good reason. As well as any other things a biological parent shouldn’t do, like making promises they can’t keep.

If the mom was not involved, it would be all on you to be her “mom” figure. Good luck love.


This is tricky because some parents don’t mind you being a disciplinarian, others see it as their job only.

I treat my step son the way I treat my kiddos. The only thing I don’t do is spank him. I call him mom if he is acting out of hand. I’ve been with his dad for 5 years. We have a son together. My husband doesn’t spank my daughter.

Discuss with your husband what his expectations are, then it’s on him to reinforce that with the child.
Advise: stand together on guidelines and guidance, and if possible include bio-mom via phone etc.
Your main role until you are established in a true relationship with the child is to be more than a friend, less than a bio parent. Tricky, huh?
Supportive, Acceptance, trust, respect, guidance, affection is your goal… that it YOU GIVING THOSE to the child, until they can give back which may take a very long time. Patience is required! They didn’t ask for their family to break, that is an adult thing! Never ever disrespect the bio mom to or around the child-NEVER.
It takes time!
Co-parenting with ALL parents is the ultimate goal, that takes maturity and putting the needs of the child first.


Blended family here as well…be whoever she NEEDS you to be. Not sure how old she is, but if she needs you to be her friend, be that. If she needs you as a mom figure, be that. Take your cues from what she needs from you right now in this season. It will make your relationship stronger in the long run if you can be who she needs, and not feel pressured to fill a specific role. Love her through it no matter what. Best of luck to you!

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Blended families are not easy. I am a stepmom of 2 and have 3 bio kids. My husband and I treat each others kids the same way we treat our own kids. They are our kids, not mine or his. We both discipline. Our kids respect us for it. We never show favoritism to our bio kids. They are all treated equally.

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Hi hun. Sounds like you are the mom. I believe u should take on the role cause that’s what she needs even if she dont think so now she needs that role model in her life and she isn’t getting it from her real mom.

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So my husband and I have been married for just over 5 years, and have a 3 year old daughter together. He had a previous marriage, which came his son, now 11, and has lived full time with his dad since their divorce. I call him my son, though his mom is somewhat in the picture. She lives on the other side of the country, and sees him 2-3 times a year. She has three other children who are younger from two other relationships. I try to be a mom to him in the best way I can, but I struggle as well. I find that my husband would rather I don’t discipline him, and more or less baby him. While I’m okay with that to some extent, our daughter now notices this, and it’s proving to be a problem from when I need to handle her however seen fit. Plus there’s been this quiet battle where I’m noticing that he’s catered to more and allowed to get away with a lot more things because my husband is afraid that our son will want to go live with his biological mom (which honestly would not be in his best interest). I will go as far as to say that he (the son) was incredibly far behind in his learning and physical checkups, etc., before I came into the picture. Not for the lack of my husband’s trying - he just didn’t’ know how to do it all. So honestly, I feel more like a mom to him than I’m given credit for. But at the same time, blended families are incredibly hard. Its a lot of take and give, disagreements and sticking to your guns when you need to. If there are questions of concerns as to what you can and can’t do, I’d recommend sitting down with hubby and having a heart to heart on it all. Be open to change, but also be willing to speak up to hubby about things you feel strongly about.