"I've been with my husband for six years, married for 2. Two kids together. Both work full-time. My issue is, at the beginning of our relationship, we both talked about boundaries. We talked openly about porn use, and he stated he doesn't watch, ever. I believed him until he left his browser open and found he watches frequently. I'm not against porn completely, but I'm definitely against being lied to. He told me he wouldn't watch it. But he continues to do so. We're in therapy, and he said he isn't addicted and will stop, again, a lie. He many times will watch porn instead of having sex with me. I don't look any different than when we first got together. I feel like this is cheating on me and that he doesn't respect me. I'm at my wit's end and feeling so depressed and not good enough. When is enough? Is divorce or separation logical for this?"
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
"Absolutely. When it effects both emotional and physical intimacy, the line needs to be drawn. He doesn't need a reason to stop. It should've stopped the day you told him it bothered you. The fact he didn't, and it has come up again repeatedly tells me he is in denial and no longer has the ability to stop himself, which is the very definition of addiction."
"It's not about the porn. If you're lying to coverup what you're doing then you yourself dont think you shouldn't be doing it. Lying is the issue. Porn is such a small thing. If he can lie abt that then you're right to question what else he would lie about. There is no big or small lie. A lie is a lie"
"Just because society these days say its okay and has normalized it, does not mean that it is. If it is a boundary of yours and he's crossed it you can leave if that's what you feel you need to do. You're entitled to your feelings. Just because one person thinks and says its okay doesn't mean it has to be okay for you."
"It doesn’t matter what your view of porn is. This isn’t healthy behavior. I can’t tell you what’s best for your marriage, but there’s lots of info out there. Search for betrayal trauma, check out podcasts like “the betrayed, the addicted, the expert”."
"If he's lying and not respecting and also using porn instead of having sex with you id say hes addicted and that you should consider whats best for your mental health and sexual needs. If that means ultimately leaving him then that's what your health is worth."
"You have every right to be upset if he is choosing to watch porn over having sex with his wife. Everyone is saying "watch it with him, it's silly to be upset" If he is lying to you about it, that's a problem. You shouldn't want to lie or have to lie. It's okay to have a problem with porn. If you are not okay with him watching, the he should not be. If it effects your mental health, if it makes you feel insecure, if it makes you have doubts in your marriage, he should RESPECT that, man up, and stop. Men do not need porn, women do not need porn. It is a want. It shouldn't effect a marriage if a wife asks you to stop watching it. I personally wouldn't ever get divorced over the porn, but I would be HELLA pissed about the lying. But you are OK to feel upset. Everyone is different."
"You're totally justified in everything you're feeling, and spot on with the cheating and disrespect. I'd say leave yesterday, because that's what I'd do."
"Let me just say that my marriage of 54 years was successful because we respected each other. I wouldn't do something he didn't like, because I loved and respected him more than doing whatever he didn't like. He did the same. Your problem isn't the porn; it's his lack of respect for how you feel about it."
"One of the key ingredients to having a successful marriage is trust. I have walked your walk and ONLY you can decide when enough is enough!!"
"Porn isn't a problem in healthy, open and honest relationships. Lies certainly are…."
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