What is a good amount of time to ground an 8 and 11-year-old, and what sort of grounding is acceptable for being extremely disrespectful to their parents and literally never listening to anything? They already do daily chores, and we don’t do very much screen time in our home. I’ve tried spanking, time out in the corner, sitting on the couch all day, stern talking. They also go to bed at 9:00 every night except weekends. They fight with each other constantly; they fight with us, they try to parent one another. I’m at my wits end. Everyone outside of our home is always bragging about how well behaved they are, but here they’re just terrible. I know this is their safe place and the one place they feel comfortable enough to have all their little moods, but I will not let my child get comfortable disrespecting me. I just don’t know what else I can do.
Simple take everything off them that they play on tablets ipads consoles tvs everything
Take everything away from them that they have until they start respecting you
When my two oldest (11 & 12) fight a lot like this I make them sit down and right an essay or a poem about their sibling…I do random topics such as reasons they love their sibling, ways they can be more respectful towards one another, and their favorite thing about the other person. Then I make them read them out loud to each other. They hate it and it works (most of the time!! Lol). Good luck!!
You can go jail style and take everything out of their room except the mattress and give them a daily change of clothes until they decide they wanna not be disrespectful
I’d start small with 3 days or something like that and if it continues, no improvement increase the time to like a week? no friends, no tv, in their rooms for the night by 8 or 8:30. But make sure they understand WHY they are in trouble.
I even took the door off of the hinges of my 14 yr old son’s bedroom. I told him he could get it back by doing his homework and following house rules. He went months without it.
My older two are 11 and 8 as well, I take everything away from them excypt a pillow and blanket they also get not snacks treats or junk food untill they start behaving. Usually only takes a day or two.
I make my daughter write sentences when nothing else works. 100x saying she will not do whatever is she was doing. But sibling arguments are normal and everything is worse right now with the pandemic and always being in eachothers faces all day. If my kids keep getting on eachother I separate them out for the day and not let them talk to eachother at all for the day. That usually works they start to miss eachother
I give extra chores. Things they don’t normally do. Clean out the fridge, clean windows and blinds, baseboards. They HATE it.
Girl im in same boat my girls are off the hook I took my almost 11 year Old daughter door off the hinges because she thought she could slam it in my face my 9 year old is off the hook im trying everything im about to strip bedroom of everything but bed and blanket pillow im so done with the behavior and the fighting is off the hook
Not necessarily screen time but maybe something they can earn to get back after you take everything.
Sounds like potentially not enough sleep, kids get this way when they’re not getting an early enough night - I get this way when I’ve been up too late. Try getting them to bed at 8 and see if that makes a difference x
My kids are 8 & 9 and act like this! Im ready to pull my hair out from it.
I think acknowledging they are people and have moods and bad days helps. “Little moods” is a bit condescending. Obviously I’m not saying allow disrespect but are we always happy, perfect people no. I think talking to them about appropriate ways to vent their anger, to discuss their emotions or work through them would help.
If they are disrespectful and mean etc after then I would take away xyz, ground etc
The pandemic is really affecting lots of children, they’re worried and stressed and missing normality too.
Lady I work with used to make her kids copy word for word of the dictionary. And if it didn’t match she would rip it and make them start over. Could start with words like respect, disrespectful, etc.
Earlier bed time, if they start fighting after dinner…goodnight!
Hand them a tooth brush and make them scrub the toilet, bath tub/shower.
Mine are 6 and 8 and continue to fight often, it get to the point I open the front door and tell them if they are going to continue to fight with each other they can go in the yard and duke it out and not coming back in until someone is bleeding. The panic sets in and they are nice to each other for a while lol if they are nasty to me I look them dead in the eye and tell them to tell me that again to my face, again panic sets in and they apologize and do what I had asked. They say often I’m a mean mom, but they are also telling me they love me more.
We do table time, absolutely no talking or noises nothing to play or fiddle with they have to sit on their hands. My kids hate it
I love my children. Maybe they need to know you love them and care about there feelings and emotional outbursts. Are they asking for help??
Try connecting instead of punishing. Times are tough for adults right now who HAVE fully developed brains. Sit with them for 10 minutes a day each and give them your absolute undivided attention. Let them pick what that looks like. Are they choosing to share how they feel? Do they want to talk about current events? Do they want to play a board game or read a book chapter out loud. Whatever it is it’s you, them, eye contact and a big hug at the end. Never use one on one time as leverage. No matter their behavior they get one on one. I guarantee after 1 week you’ll be seeing a big improvement.
This literally sounds like my life.
My kids r 13 9 5 5 2 and 1. When my kids disrespect especially our 13 and 9 yr old. They scrub walls and floors using a spong. They hate it! We have been dealing with our 13 yr old (14 on 24th) with lying literally bout everything! And we catch her bc there r camreas in side and out of our house. Which they all no and still do stuff not suppose to then lie🤦♀️ so til trust is earned no privacy. Let’s just say she hated that and it worked every well! Just have to keep at it and do not give in. My two 5 yr olds hate cleaning walls so if they don’t want to listen or be disrespectful or ungrateful they get on their knees ND scrub. I find this is what works for my kids and they do come up and eventually apologize and say they will be good. (They still make mistakes) but they r kids only r punished for big things.
Remind yourself their children first of all .You say theres very little screen time but alot of punishment spanking shows them nothing more than loss of control you have tried time out stern talking soda all day jesus their children these have obviously not worked instead made very angry children .Try bring them out let them pick something once or twice a week their choice for good behaviour .You’ll be amazed how good you will all feel instead of so much punishment and negativity this covid would drive any sane parent up the wall and I’m sure your trying your best but dont forget it’s hard on children to …no school no friends no family visits no playdates playground cinema etc .A walk by the sea or forest will tire them out it’s worth a try!!
Take Away Screen Time Totally, That Includes Their Phones And Other Modes Of Communication With Their Friends.
Also Include More Study Time And Household Chores. Tell Them Better Behavior And In A Months Time They Get One Hour On Phone Or Computer.
No Tv Unless for Class Assignment and Ask For Class Assignment Sheet.No Sheet No Privileges For Two Months
1 week no toys in room…nothing but books… if that doesn’t work try to
Take them to visit a juvenile detention center. Impress on them that it is where they r headed if they continue down the path they r going. Tough love.
I find extra chores for my 2 when they really piss me off with their behaviour, such as cleaning the shower, picking up dog poo, weeding etc jobs i know they HATE to do and it seems to stop them
My mom never grounded me, instead she’d make me scrub walls or floors. I hated this punnishment but I can clean the crap out of walls n floors lol, I would let them choose one of the two.
Maybe make them do something that requires team work. Like team building exercises. Idk I had this problem and I finally snapped on my kids & they’ve been a lot better
My question would be how much separation time are they getting from one another since Covid started? Are you guys doing strict quarantine rules or whatever works for you? My kids have been at it since they’ve had more one on one time together, my whole family has been at each other some times. Covid has people tired, my question would be have you tried giving them their own independent time? If they have separate hobbies you can send them to their rooms or whatever space they like to hang at and let them do their own stuff. My bonus baby loves to color and my 14 month old loves his trucks and such. I personally buy her a new coloring book every three weeks when she uses all the pages up, I get him a new car every three weeks. Just gives them their own space. Mine are quite younger than yours, most likely they are just super stressed with how Covid is affecting everything. I know my nephew has been super down since they canceled his sports due to Covid ): I can’t really say what will work for your kids discipline wise simply because each kids different, however hold strong momma, hope you find something that works for you guys
Not really advice but one time my brother was disrespectful towards my parents and instead of taking everything away they made him pick up all the dog poop in the yard that was there alll winter. Every time he acted out he had to go pick up dog poop. He HATED it and is much more respectful if you have animals just an idea lol
OP, wanting to add some clarity because I’m genuinely struggling with this and doing my best to raise well behaved respectful children. I’m looking for genuinely helpful advice and not some of this petty stuff that’s being mentioned.
Details: We do everything as a family. We hike, fish, picnic, swim, play baseball, cookout, board games, coloring, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. My husband and I also get down on the floor with them and build forts and chase them around because they absolutely love it.
That being said my children know they are loved and it’s not always negative energy. The things you have read above are simply things we have tried when other things did not work. If they don’t work, we don’t continue them. We did try to implement a reward box like they do at school. But they just ended up sneaking into the box and taking out toys without earning them or getting permission. They both have a phone and tv, but they only get 1 hour a day on their devices given they have been well behaved and earned it. I also like to get on their eye level and speak with them. I explain to them what they have done, I make sure they know what they have done, and I make them own their behavior.
I feel like there’s always some kind of backlash because no one has the full details, so I’m giving you details based off the responses I have received.
My mom always took away everything lol I lost my door first and if that didn’t help I lost my dresser. And do on and so fourth. Went to bed earlier
I could have written this!!
For 1…welcome to teen years. This is very common. You said your oldest is a girl…well she is going through puberty now. Her hormones are changing…u get it mom. Now reflect back to when u were her age. Maybe try talking with her…find common ground. The 9 year old may be acting out cuz big sis is now getting more attention.
Instead if taking time away…give time for better behavior. It’s the small things.
No attitude today…10 more minutes of screen time. You talked to me about your day…no dishes this week.
Has worked for me. And I have 3 teens…2 of them girls.
Extra chores maybe? Something they really hate to do? My ex husband had daughters that age I’d make them write sentences , nothing too crazy maybe 20x ‘i will not talk back’ or whatever, they absolutely hated it but their penmanship improved and it helped.
Kids feel most comfortable at home so that’s where they know it’s ok to act out or be themselves. I have literally taken everything from my daughter when she was going through a destructive phase. She spent 1 year with only books and a bed and dresser in her room. She could watch TV with us and help cook and clean and play with her younger siblings she’s 6 years older. She is amazing now. Completely respectful of property and of us and her siblings. She helps do laundry and load the dishwasher she loves to do those 2 things. She doesn’t have “chores” nor do we ever spank our kids. She’s in the 4th grade and reads at a 6th grade level. She loves to read now.
My almost 7 year old is mean and disrespectful. He was only allowed to watch Barney for about 4 days. Wanna act like an asshole baby then let Barney teach you.
He hated it.
Use single words with prearranged and immediate discipline actions. Don’t put any energy into the situation. Just say ‘disrespect, now (whatever short extra chore, time out, etc…).
My 2 are as thick as thieves but could argue with each other that blue is black! Is that not what siblings do? I remember myself and my brother would kill each other but then back each other up all the way! Both mine try my patience but are in general, so we’ll behaved and good natured! They have chores around the house, help with dinner and laundry (I feel these are great life skills) these are trying times we are stuck together constantly, covid has made sure of that, but we have a lot of fun/silly time with each other and it definitely helps the mood in our house! Praise them for all the good things and try talk openly with each other. I do find a little bit of light heartedness works wonders in these trying times.
You said you will not let your child get comfortable disrespecting you
Umm ones 11 and one’s 8 it didn’t just happen over night they didn’t just wake up and start being little arseholes towards you and your husband theyr had years of training to get to where they are, its call spoilt…
Make them write an essay on how they would feel if they were the disrespected parents. Or you could have a day were they get to be the parents and the parents are the children. It would create empathy all around.
Consistency is key. Changing it up too much doesn’t help. Also, take away what they absolutely love. It’s not always about making them doing things they hate all the time, it’s removing the things the really enjoy, too. Example; Say, one absolutely LOVES hiking, and y’all have a trip planned next weekend, she’s not invited if she doesn’t behave. And stick to it, no letting the puppy-dog eyes, tears and guilt trips work.
As a mom of 19 year old and 17 year old girls, getting a break from each other always seemed to help. Maybe like a week or so. My oldest told me once she just wanted her own space away from her sister sometimes. Try that. I mean, we all need alone time, no matter how much we love each other.
As much as we parents want respect, we gotta remember to give it at times, too. How else will they learn. Good luck!
My mama used to make us clean up and we straightened our act up too!
That’s normal sibling rivalry
And pray for and your family
They are 8 and 11 living in an era none of us had to endure. They don’t have kids to play outside, scouts is cancelled, sports and other extra things at school are cancelled. These blow off steam and let the kids be kids. Everyone is fussing with their kids because of this that and the other. Cut them some slack, spring will be here before we know it! Please God send spring quickly!!!
Google “get along shirt”.
Try reading the book “how to talk so kids will listen”
I hate to be the odd one out, but if everything else isn’t working, why don’t you open up a conversation with your kiddos? In a moment where they’re being disrespectful, be a parent and walk away but right down what happened before, what they said, how it made you feel, and give it an hour to calm down and bring it back up to them. Kind of like this:
“Hi, when we were trying to get cleaned up for dinner, I asked you to help me set the table. When I did that, you yelled at me and threw the napkins on the ground. This really hurt my feelings and it made me angry. Why did you do that?” Let them answer - “Okay, well do you think that was the right thing to do in this moment?” Let them answer “What can you do differently the next time you’re feeling like this?” If they don’t know, offer other ways to cope with whatever it is they were feeling - take a 5 minute break, punch a pillow, color, read a book, count to 10.
The first time will be awkward and potentially emotional. When our kids realize they hurt us, they understand the power they have. They don’t mean to, the same way we don’t mean to hurt people when we’re frustrated. You got this mama
Have you tried figuring out the root of the problem?
Grounding won’t do anything…taking away what they really like that hurts and makes them learn…!
maybe they’re frustrated?? if u are at ur wits end imagine them that their world has been upside down for a year. maybe think about them and not just urself and try to understand them. maybe ask them why and pray for more motherly skills? instead of asking whats a good time to “punish” ur already stressed children maybe ask how u can get help urself so u can help them then…not everyone is capable to parent without help and u need to know when that is necessary.
What we as adults/parents don’t realise is that like us children also have bad day’s,get frustrated and upset…What do you do when you have had a bad day?? sometimes you take it out on the people closest to you,even though you don’t mean to…
Talk with them, acknowledge how they are feeling and work out a better way to deal with it…Find out what has/is making them react like that… Unfortunately since covid the Children have suffered the most because pretty much everything they loved doing has been put on hold and understandably they are frustrated…
Also kid’s will be kid’s,they fight with siblings…if you have siblings I bet you fought with them…
Yes you can take thing’s away from them that they love and see if it will help but grounding won’t help…
Just be aware puberty seems to start alot earlier for kids now a days… It could be hormones changing and they could be overwhelmed with new emotions or heightened emotions…
Try sitting down with them individually and asking what they need from you for them to act the way they do towards you. It could be a cry for attention or lack or something else… If that doesn’t work, ground them from everything for a couple days and ask again.
What my parents did was taking away our phones/play-station and would ground us to our rooms for at least a month if we disrespected them. The only time we was allowed out was when we went to school/ eating a meal.
Theyre too old to be spanking. Just send their little butts to their room. They can have an attitude in there. Slam my door ill take it off the hinges.
One word: GRANDPARENTS!!!
Go to your parent(s) for advice.
If they’ are not crying you are not spanking hard enuff
Talking is the answer to solving problems, not screaming, hitting, that truly makes them hate you when all is said and done, truth
I only had to ground 1 kid once. I literally started crying when he disrespected me and the other kids got on him and they actually bonded. … he came and gave me his skateboard and said I am grounded this week. But…my husband always says I was too close to my kids. My Best friends. They are too, Son 33 and twins 28. You shall survive this. One week is my advice.
We grounded my step son for being destructive and we took all his electronics, all his toys, basically all his privileges to everything and he was allowed to do chores or sit on his bed while he wrote sentences. He was 7 at the time and had to write the same paragraph 50 times and he didn’t get anything back until it was done but he didn’t know that’s what was happening. I also told him if he didn’t behave I would call Santa and tell him not to bring him presents and I was going to tell the grandparents they couldn’t buy him presents. I understand kids mess up but he destroyed his brother’s table for school and then told him she don’t tell mommy I want to see how long before she notices. The next day his brother told on him lol. I also made him apologize to the grandparents because they were the ones that bought the school stuff. Since then he’s been on his best behavior and this happened in November.
Covid has been tough on everyone just remember that.
Take away what they want/ use the most. Tablet’s and TV works for me. Atleast a week.
Our son is 10 and we do a week no video games or tv at bed time. I dont have 2 kids (yet) but my parents used to put us in an over sized tshirt or made us hold hands for a couple hours without being away from each other. If we fought during that time it would add time to our punishment…
If they start with each other or the parents, send them each to a different room and tell them this is not going to happen in this house. Stay in the rooms until you can get along. You are gonna have to let them know who’s the boss, if not you will never get any respect and their behavior will get worse.
No screens, at all!- @ least 5 days and add a day every time they slip.
My mom use to make us sit and write sentences. After that stopped working she made us start writing from books from the front cover to the back cover. She first started with the Bible and so on. Coming from a person who has lost two of her siblings remind them how lucky they are to have each other because I even as a 31 year old woman wish I could have one more fight, or squabble with my siblings. Best of luck momma I feel your pain!
There’s a company called Big Life Journal that has great and lots of free materials for sibling issues and tons of other issues…
They are on Facebook
I dont mean to step on toes and this doesn’t answer your question but I have an almost 8 year old who goes through waves of just asshole lol argumentative, bad moods, doesn’t listen etc… and punishments don’t phase him when he’s like that. I’m not saying ignore the behavior but maybe make sure there’s nothing wrong to make them be particularly bad lately… or sometimes it helps when they’re bad to reward when they’re good. If all they see and hear is negative they’re already in trouble so what do they care. Sometimes just even a “hey thanks for taking the garbage out without me asking” or, “if we can get through today without fighting well have a movie night” etc can help turn things around.
Have you tried flipping things with positive discipline where they get rewarded for doing the right things rather than punished for the wrong things? We use it at school and it seems to work much better encouraging the behaviour you want
Do ya have parents kids time to like play baseball, basketball, games or even watch a movie together. You have the discipline don’t pay but I don’t see together time though I’m sure ya do have it.
Our kids lose everything and siy.on their beds all day only.leaving the room to.go to the bathroom or to.come eat… sometimes.its just a day others it’s a week and if they pitch a fit they go to bed regardless of what time.of day it.is
When our son was being absolutely horrible - disrespectful, entitled, spoiled acting- we took away everything that was a necessity. The things your children have is because you [their parent] provided it for them.
My son now must earn screen time, by reading for how ever many minutes he wants to play. He must do chores if he wants extra screen time or to earn money to go to the store. He’s essentially on a point card system and has the ability to lose points, earn points toward a prize or save up for something bigger.
2 weeks is the absolute max
9 PM seems far to late for them to go to bed each night.
I have 2 children almost 8 and 13 years - 7.30pm and 8.15pm at very latest.
Google recommended bedtimes
I suggest to set some time aside for you & the children. You all can decide what to do. Board games, movie night, reading a book, working out etc. The pandemic is difficult for everyone even children.
You will get lots of advice on here. I’m am a parent of 3 grown children and now I have 6 grandchildren. They are your kids, you know them better then anyone. Not all punishments work for all kiddos. Just find out what works the best for each child. Sometimes you have to let them get bye with the little things. But never the disrespect part. I wish you the best.
It depends on what they did… if my sister and I were assholes, our grandparents sent us out to build fence or scoop stock tanks out. Make them do manual labor. It worked wonders on Sheri and I. We turned out to be great people who have respect for authority.
Make them stay in 1 room till its deep cleaned and spotless. They can argue with each other for however long but they don’t come out till its clean. they don’t do anything the first day? Oh sucks for them school then back to that room to clean. You’ll have a clean house that way and they’ll spend ALOT of time together.
If it comes down to it, as a parent you legally only have to provide clothes, shelter, food for them. Everything else is a privilege. So if they want to be disrespectful, I would put their asses on the floor and take away their beds. Stand ground, separate them. Children need to know it is not ok to disrespect their parents. By all means take away all things that are not necessary for survival
Ouch, maybe have a look at gentle parenting approach since your methods are not working. Why do want to exclude and punish them when they need your presence and guidance to role model.
When I read this my first thought was it seems like you’re treating them like toddlers still (time out in the corner is what jumped out at me) they’re almost teens so make sure you’re treating them that way. If they’re treating others with respect (teachers etc who are praising them) then to me that’d be what I look at first. How are you speaking to them?
Good a-- whipping sure changed my attitude!!!
Wait they go to bed and do chores but they don’t listen I’m confused
Honestly i got my kids a phone so i could take it away when they are grounded 🤷 its a great motivator
They are bored it sounds like. This pandemic is hard on kids. Just spend quality time with them but let them know you will not be disrespected. I had twins and didn’t spank them and they were excellent kids but kids have their own personalities.
Sit ups, push-ups & wall sits.
When my daughter 7 gets down right disrespectful she loses everything. I start with what she loves most which is her markers/paints/crafts. Take them away for 1 day then 3 ect. Then I move to toys ect until all she has is her bed and books. Shes currently on day 12 of 14 with no paints for having an attitude towards her baby sister and she threw paint. She is counting down the days reminding me how long she has. I’m pretty sure she wont do it again. On the other it could be they are overly bored and under stimulated due to the pandemic try getting them outside a bit more or some family game time. Also on really bad days bedtime gets moved up. Shes in bed at 8 but when shes really mean(not very often thankfully) it goes to 7. There have been times she goes in at 6 and has to stay there and read and have quiet time until 7 as well.
Sit them down and have a serious talk with them. Together and separately. I’m sure they don’t realize how rotten they can be and only see things from their perspective. Ask them if there’s something that bothers them and what can be done to keep them from being so frustrated to the point where it’s becoming an issue for you and everyone in the household.
Id take all electronics away no going out no doing anything but studying even take toys away. I had to sit in my room and do nothing but either read a book or color or study and i still Stand with it w mine but thankfully i have well bejaved kids.
Instead of looking for punishments for bad behaviour, look for rewards for good behaviour
First off! Hats off to you. You just described my 8 & 11 yo; Grounding is the worst punishment possible FOR YOU! Literally punishing yourself and it really just does add to the stress & chaos. If you want to continue to battle it out, clean out their rooms & stuff to bare minimum necessities. However, they probably need an extremely physically exerting task or outlet. Make them stack bricks and per brick say something nice or extremely rude.
I don’t believe in spanking or hitting children but maybe you can ground them for about a week from their most favorite thing to do??
These are your children, do whatever works for you and your kids, please dont listen to these facebook parents that have absolutely perfect children:roll_eyes:
Have you tried family counseling? Worked well for my family, learning each other’s triggers and ways to communicate to each other in a safe zone. When you go to counseling was discussed in the counseling room can never be discussed outside because that’s supposed to be a free zone and you’re not supposed to be able to get in trouble for the moment you leave that room,
Wouldn’t hurt to try. Maybe there’s underlying Stuff going on
Make them read a book to get out of grounding. I did this to my son and he fell in love with reading.
This works with my 7 and 11 year old. I call it… Instant regret💁:100: