I need some advice. My man and I have been together for over a year. About 2 months ago, I found that he was looking at adult videos ALOT on his phone. My heart immediately sank and I brought it up to him. He explained that he has most of his adult life and it is just like watching a movie to him. He also said that he doesn’t even “play” every time he looks at it. Our intimacy had decreased and he told me he didn’t have much of a drive anymore. So when I found this, it hurt. My thoughts were “why am I not enough?”. How can you not have a drive for me but you want to look at adult videos? I still don’t quite understand. He had laid off of it for awhile after I brought it up to him but now he’s back at it. When I asked him about it again, he doesn’t understand why i am so upset about it. I know this will never change. Part of me thinks I would much rather him look at p*rn then cheat. But it does hurt. I am struggling with do I accept it? Am I making it a bigger deal than it needs to be?
Watch it with him it might turn into some fun . I’ve been with my man for 8 years and he watches it. I’m not offended by it and I sometimes watch it with him. If it’s not for you well that’s okay to but don’t make yourself feel bad some men just like watching.
You’re allowed to feel however you want about it. Some women watch themselves or watch with their partners.
You are enough. Don’t let yourself feel otherwise. If it bothers you try to talk to him again about it or maybe learn to compromise ? I’m not really sure.
It’s not a bug deal if you hadn’t stumbled on it, and he’s brushing it off, just movies? If you’re bothered by it, end it
He’s not going to change, he will simply hide it from you or berate you for "misunderstanding "
It’s a big deal, because you should be all that he ever needs. He should pick you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You can feel however you want , but you can not pretend to control what he watch ,he watching porn have nothing to do with you or how he feels about you , but if you are so hurt you might be reconsidering your relationship
If he’s not going to change you need to end it. You are enough but if this makes you feel you aren’t you need to end it
It might be a legit addiction, and lower sex drive can be linked to it. If it bothers you and he can’t stop, ask if he’s willing to get help; if he can’t, then you’ll need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. It wouldn’t be for me by itself, but coupled with the low libido…it might be.
The reason his sex drive is lacking is caused by the effects excessive use of pornography has on people. It literally creates a chemical reaction in the brain that disconnects them to their spouse causing a subconscious preference and sexual stimulation only to what they watch — meaning if he watches a shit load of porn he isn’t going to be aroused as easily by just you. He definitely would masturbate a lot too which is also decreasing testosterone and taking a way the human instinct of needing and connecting to another person for stimulation.
A small amount of porn is okay but in high doses this can be detrimental your sex drive. Also saying your preference is him doing this over cheating is ridiculous. That should never be considered an alternate and I’m sorry you feel like it is. It is not your fault and you are enough.
He needs to grow up and do better. Your concerns are valid.
I’m here to say, I was addicted to watching adult videos mostly all my youth and into adulthood. Don’t take it personally it most always has to do w the other person. Try to understand why he does that. It really is boredom sometimes. And it honestly sounds like he has depression. I was diagnosed with GAD but that’s just what initially was diagnosed I know there’s more to it but I haven’t had much treatment to figure it out.
I’ll be the one to say this since noone else is…
Just because it’s common doesn’t make it acceptable.
If you’ve told him that it makes you question your worth, that it makes you feel insecure etc and he still does it, it’s disrespectful. Just bc " a lot of men do it " doesn’t make it okay. Every relationship is different. If he can’t understand that it makes you feel a certain type of way and stop, he’s not right for you.
If it’s a big deal to you, that’s valid. Nobody else’s opinion matters. I’ve seen a lot more people speaking up and expressing feelings like this, so know you’re not alone, no matter how many people say it’s “not a big deal”. Somebody who respects you and your feelings isn’t going to continue to do something that hurts you.
I’d say the issue isn’t that he’s watching them, it’s that you’ve both lost the intimacy together. If it’s making you feel hurt and you’ve told him that and he’s still doing it then that’s an issue too. It’s showing a lack of respect to you. Why don’t you try and spice it up by watching something together? You definitely both need to have a good conversation… good luck x
For some of us, it is a huge deal breaker. I understand and would walk away now. Its been a year and already you’re not enough?
If not acting on with other people I wouldn’t worry to much mine does to and usually in bedroom or bathroom. My ex did too .
Only you can decide if your making a bigger than needed deal out of it and if you can except him viewing it or not. Unpopular but proven opinion but His viewing it could very well be the cause of his drop in drive/desire. One of the main issues is that for many (not all but a large number) adult content/porn can cause unrealistic expectations and when those expectations aren’t met the desire and ability to perform or reach orgasm diminishes/drops. I am one of those that views porn on the same level as physical cheating as to me it’s an emotional connection with another individual personally known or not other than your significant other. Because of past traumas and my personal beliefs this is a subject that get spoken about very early on in relationships and it known upfront as a deal breaker. You and only you can decide how you feel and what you are willing to except. Don’t listen to all these individuals who are trying to make you feel less than because you personally are bothered by it as you are entitled to your feelings and if you feel it’s an issue then it’s an issue. You and your feelings are valid.
He is not doing anything wrong at all. It’s just a video. My husband loves to watch and I sometimes watch with him. It’s not something that excites me or really interests me but there is no reason to be angry or upset. I’m not saying you are wrong for feeling how you do. You can’t help how you feel but the reasons you are feeling that way is your own mind bringing you down. You are enough and him watching those doesn’t mean that you are not. You gotta work on your own insecurities and not push your problems onto him. A video and his hand are not the reason he has no sex drive. Actual sex takes a lot more energy then a video and your own hand. Just talk to him about what is causing the sex drive to go down. Do not end your relationship over a man watching some porn. That is not how life works and you don’t leave someone over an issue. You fix the issue or find a compromise while also not being controlling. He can do and watch whatever he wants. You can’t tell him that he can not.
If it’s affecting your intimacy it’s definitely an issue. It will affect your self esteem, knowing he’s getting off without you constantly. if talking goes nowhere, do whatever it takes for you to feel good about yourself within your own skin, even if that means leaving. I was with someone like this, his parents’ birds and bees talk was showing him porn young and that became his “sex life” me excluded. He never changed. If you stay and nothing changes, you’ll lose yourself. It’s harder finding yourself again after years of neglect than dealing with a broken heart imo.
Hold on. If he has low testosterone then I get it. My husband was like this for years and finally after 13 yrs he started taking shots. Now all is great. But I been there and I thought the same but that wasn’t the issue at all.
You are taking it wayyyyyy too personally. Porn has nothing to do with you or your self worth. Some people like to watch epic Syfi movies, some people like dating shows, and some like to watch adult content. If you haven’t discussed a relationship agreement where you decide together that porn is cheating, then it’s not. It’s just entertainment that can sometimes lead to a adult pleasuring themselves. Whis is there right. It’s his body and if he wants to get off alone once in a while that’s healthy. Maybe you need to try giving yourself some fun one on one adult time instead of waiting around to be wanted by a man that chooses to be with you. Sex together isn’t everything and its definitely not the backbone of your relationship I would hope. So again stop taking it so personally.
If porn disturbs your sex life (which obviously it has) then he shouldn’t be watching it. I would just communicate with him and set boundaries you both are comfortable with.
It is up to you how you feel about it. This is a very controversial subject. No one is going to be able to change your views or feelings about this. Relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. If he is going to work on his issue for you, be patient. Men don’t function like women.
Ok ladies in case you didn’t know men are visual creatures. Unlike us. Most men watch porn whether wives realize it or not. Visual stimulation turns men on in a way it usually doesn’t with women. It doesn’t mean they don’t love or don’t want theit wives or partners. Its not even about how beautiful the women may be its about seeing t and a. Men just like seeing naked bodies. If your sex life is lagging you can always turn on some porn to watch together. Who knows you may learn new tricks to try together that you both may like. But don’t feel bad about your own body. There are men dating model like beauties and they still watch porn. Its just something men do. Just make sure to communicate with him. Tell him you are only upset about it because you haven’t been having sex and that it wouldn’t bother you as long as he doesn’t ignore your needs. See the porn isn’t your problem but until you communicate without yelling and accusing you won’t get to the real issue he may be having. Best of luck to you both!
The bigger issue is that your intimacy has slowed down and the porn has picked up…
These comments are ridiculous
Become his own pornstar
My husband would watch years ago , i told him how i felt and he completely stopped . Later on i asked what it was that he liked about it and he extremely loved the role play and also the way they would dress . I took it in as an advice and role played/ dressed up more! Also if its been years of watching and can’t stop , its an addiction. You can leave , and or see if he can seek help for it .