My son is 5 years old and was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. He is a smart, brilliant and caring little boy and communicates very well.The only thing he really struggles with is behavior like not being able to focus on something for long periods of time and wants to try to run off. However I can’t help but feel like my mom is ashamed or embarrassed that her only grandchild is autistic. When she does talk about it she always asks about what kind of treatment he can get like it’s a disease that can be cured. And a couple days ago we went to visit some family and on the way there she asked me not to mention to them about him being autistic because she doesnt want them “gossiping” about it. My family loves my son to pieces. I know they would never treat him any differently. I just don’t know how to talk to her about how it makes me feel when she says stuff like that because she can get very defensive and offensive when you try to confront her about anything. What should I do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom seems ashamed of my autistic son - Mamas Uncut
As a mom of 2 autistic sons (a biological & a step)…you have had 5 years of every day all day exposure to your son. As a grandparent they aren’t. It’s easy for us parents to accept and understand the way our boys are. Just give her time. But you do need to have the conversation with her. You need to be blunt and completely and rawly honest. There is zero “cure”. It’s not a disease that needs a cure. It just needs to have understanding behind it. When you carry your baby for 9 months you pray that your baby will be healthy. She prayed the same. But it’s not something she has been exposed to for any extended time. Give her time. But in NO WAY hide his diagnosis from family! The minute family understands then your son is no longer “off” to them. Sending you SO MUCH love & healing! She’s your mom. She will come around
Tell her to accept that baby or she doesn’t have to be a part of his life! She may not know nothing about the condition & may be genuinely interested in how to help him when she ask about a “cure/treatment”. Now for the other part I would tell her theres nothing wrong with him & even if it was that that’s your baby,her grandchild, and she should accept & love him regardless of any condition… like they said above theres different types of autism & they’re actually very very intelligent people. Perfect example, tell her to watch The Good Doctor!! Love that show Prayers for you & that sweet baby!!
I have a special son to! Even his own dad wouldn’t hold him when he was little. I was 88 pounds & when my son was 2 he was 40 pounds & I had to hold him every where we went! He finally got to know his son when we divorced & he got a side car to go with his motorcycle! That was when he bonded! My son was 10 then!
Confront her. She needs to attend some information classes for grandparents. Punch it in to your computer to see what comes up.
My grandson is a high functioning aspy. He is 13 almost 14.
He was diagnosed just after his 3rd birthday and received the therapy classes that are available through school. I went to grandparent seminars on having autistic grandchildren. Best choice in my life.
I am so proud of this young man. He sings in chorus, plays trumpet, sits on student council, and most importantly he is ballroom dancer. He and his partner have attended many competitions and shines like a light of gold and silver.
I’m so proud of him. The love in our family is infinite.
Tell your mom how you feel.
Bless your heart. I am a grandmother of a brilliant beautiful autistic 14 yr old boy. I feel pity for your mother for her perceptions. All she has to do is love him. It would help her to do some actual research and find out how to be a better grand for him.
Remember she comes from a different generation. A time when something different was an embarrassment.
Educate her with information on autism
Explain what high function means. She probably has the wrong idea of what autism is. She may not be able to express herself.
Also see if there is somewhere to turn in your local community or online to learn how to open up conversations and communication
model how you treat an autistic child. she really doesn’t have an understanding of this behavior. i’m sure she loves her grandson and i imagine she feels badly thst he snd you have to deal with this. teach her as she watches you .
Ignore the remarks she has made and tell everyone you meet that he is autistic obviously not just walking in and saying it but bring it into conversations once all the family know they know it’s him and it’s going to be his normal his life forever
Tell your mom he’s special and it doesn’t matter who knows
I think you will have to take a no nonsense lead here and just tell her it’s best she will soon get over it it’s nothing to be ashamed of it’s just the way he is
Tell her everyone loves him just the way he is. To bad she doesn’t.
My grandson was diagnosed with Autism when he was three. He is now a 17 yr old senior in high school. I knew nothing about Autism when he was diagnosed. The only thing I knew was the movie Rain Man. My daughter-in-law included me in most of his dr. Appts and alot of his treatments with therapy. I met alot of children and mothers and learned about Asbergers ( high functioning Autism children.) Maybe include her in some of his therapy or play dates, so she can meet other children with Autism. It can take away the mystery, it helped me
Keep talking to her until she understands Autism. Maybe explain it as simply a different way of processing information. And when some of the situations are hard to process straight away ( due to sensory issues: noise, light, temperature, movement… ) then it is overwhelming and so he loses focus or gets anxiety or displays his distress at not understanding in a different way to neurotypical children. But he had the same emotions, feelings and needs as any other child- he just expresses these differently.
Her response is not one of embarrassment but of love. She just wants to wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him safe from everyone and everything. She doesn’t want him to deal with mean people.
Unfortunately older generation does not understand. My mom constantly just says my grandson is bad, hes spoiled. Dosent matter how many times I try to explain it to her. So spend less time with her. It’s sad but sometimes you have to protect your family from those family members who just chose to not understand.
She needs to be educated about autism. My elderly father had a hard time with his great granddaughter when she was 2 ish ,he thought she just wasn’t listening and being bad but thankfully he saw her learning and saw how smart she is and he understood . They had a loving bond
There is a show on Netflix called Atypical, I feel like i was educated more on autism awareness from watching this show
Awe I’m so sorry you are being hurt by your Mom’s behavior. Remember that she probably doesn’t know about autism. I would suggest that you include her in on any therapy or classes that you and your child might attend. Talk to her and if she isn’t open to that then forgive her and do what is best for you and your child. God Bless you.
It’s 2021, if she doesn’t understand autism by now then she can very easily research and learn about it. That simple 🤷
Also if she is worried about gossip, it’s most likely because she is the one gossiping in the first place.
But if she thinks the answer is to just ignore it and hide it then she is too toxic to be around him. It will destroy his happy demeanor and sadden him. It sounds like he is high functioning autistic which means he will grow up to understand what his grandma is doing and he won’t be able to handle it like people without.
She needs to accept and embrace him with open arms.
Obtain info about autism in a form she will find easy to understand & discuss it with her….maybe that will help. Best wishes to you, your don & family.
You are with your son all day, everyday. She is not and, therefore, may not understand autism the way that you do. Be patient with her and try to educate her as gently as possible. She may feel at fault if he is aloof with her. Her “embarrassment” will change to pride once she understands his behaviors are part of what makes him extraordinary.
Just as parents often quietly grieve when their child receives a diagnosis, grieving for their own hopes and aspirations for that child, grandparents can feel the same, and we all grieve differently. Set up scenarios to spend time when she can see his gifts and talents. And gently educate her. And even though your son has autism, since he’s high functioning and communicates well, it is possible to limit excessive stimuli and still have high expectations for general good behavior. So finding a balance of setting the environment up for success for his behaviors to be acceptable and inviting her to take part might be a great way to get buy in…good luck, you’ve got this
And I am also for involving her more and having her meet other parents and children and therapists. This is the only way our perceptions and preconceived ideas change
Possibly explain that if the school in which he attends can modify his instruction then she can modify her ways or methods to care for a child with autism. Sickning to think that she won’t or accept that he is different and that different is okay.
Your focus is on you feel, but consider how this situation makes her feel. Autism was unknown when she was a young mom. It’s nobody’s business anyway and autism is misunderstood by the general public.
Tell your mother God don’t make mistakes. God choose you to be this little boys mother. It’s a blessing to have him your life. Keep loving him and stay strong for yourself and your son.
Have a heart to heart talk with her. Just tell her how commits make you feel . I know I appreciate someone being truthful in how they feel. I personally feel closer to people who are authentic.
If you could get your Mom to attend seminars with you, (with COVID,.it might be virtua) so she gets information on Autism, and so participates in his care this might help.
Put her out of your life she seems like that she will never except it regardless what you say but try to make her understand if it offends her then wash your hands of her
Ignore her, unfortunately many people are embarrassed and it’s sad. My grandson has ASD also and he just deals with things differently. They aren’t broken, they process differently and people don’t get it which is part of the reason people don’t get theirkids diagnosed. Which is sad because they do need help with things and we sometimes need help learning how to relate.
It seems as if your mom needs to inform herself on autism. He is not an embrasment, your mom is.
Playing devil’s advocate here, but MAYBE when she asks what kind of treatment he can get, she is referring to just that…TREATMENT, not a cure, just treatment. As far as telling people you just meet, why? Announcing it to strangers and people you just met is a bit overwhelming to some. Maybe she is wanting him to be treated the same as other children and “announcing” to virtual strangers is setting him up to he treated differently.
I’m sorry I have to roll my eyes at some comments. There is very little you can say or do to change her mind she has to do it herself. Just keep being you
Yes I have a 15 yr old autistic son, yes I have this problem I ignore the comments and keep on being constant with him.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don’t be mad at your mom - she was probably brought up this way. My mother and dad were brought up never to tell family secrets or anything personal outside our four walls. They were that way until the end. Instead, don’t discuss it with her at all unless she asks. If she does ask give her only a fraction of information. You and your husband can handle it. You might also want to get in a group of moms with kids who have autism. God bless you.
Not every one is capable of raising a child with autism and that’s ok just remind her to not make him feel ashamed of how he was born
Old school.Dont you bring it up when she is around but if asked give the answers.Its something that will take awhile. Sad that she thinks her friends and family have those views
I have a grandson that has it.he is very smart at 11 yrs old.he is taking pilot lessons to fly a plane.he loves learning about different things.
I know several kids that are autistic. When they were little other kids were bullying a child and calling the child names. I pulled them to the side and talked to the bullies I knew what was wrong with the child and no one else did. Those kids grew up watching out for him and making sure no one ever bullied him again. After talking with them they understood and decided what they were gonna do. They are all out of school now and when u try to educate people make sure u have no shame over the child and if someone is scared of what others may think. Let them keep the problem to themselves. But not telling people is gonna be more of a problem.
Continue to express your feelings when mom offends. She will let you know if you hurt her feelings.
Let mom deal with herself and pray that she will accept she is the one with the problem.
The grandmother’s issue is not with her grandchild.
It’s with the fact that she cares too much about “what people will think” Being different in her eyes is something to be embarrassed about. That’s what she needs help with, first.
I have an autistic son and if no excepted him then I’m done with them my kids come first
Well… I was talking about my amazing grandson. But better to delete. Too much jibber jabber. Instead I say that I had to educate myself on autism. And after reading a lot on it. I found out. I had been around autistic a lot
and never knew it. There wasn’t always a word for it.
Don’t confront her. That is so hard for everyone. Tell her you know she loves him and he is going to get some things figured out but it might take awhile. If there are ways you can give her for her to help, share and tell her how much good help matters and give her permission to share your tips. We all like to help.
Mom…what would you have done if I would have been like my son. How would u have felt about being told by grandma…hey don’t mention she’s autistic…don’t want them gossiping. Would u have been hurt?
My daughter thinks my grandaughter is. She has go for test. I’m not gonna love her any less or be imbarrased she part of me to. She still human has feelings. But that’s ok if u can’t love a child that’s little different. She doesn’t have a promblem you do.
Explain to her as much as you can …get her involved in dr appointments …if she agrees to come…but definately tell her that he is your child you love him and are proud of him …you will not hide him…and if she won’t accept him and love him …then she must step away as you don’t want that around your child as he will feel it…be kind but firm
My parents have never said the word autism. It is tough.
I have the exact same problem but with my situation she blames him for a lot of things and gets in his face ( not just her by the way ) I have one son like yours and another son who is low functioning only 15 months apart. It’s a massive struggle
I’d be telling Mom to do some research and learn about Autism and Aspbergers, or, move on out of my sons life. I am a grandma of two high functioning Aspergers boys. They are now 18 and 20. I went to every appointment, every meeting, every time. I learned about Autism and Aspbergers so I’d understand how their brains worked. They’re both brilliant young men who I love with my whole heart and soul. Shame on your Mother. It’s not up to you to teach her. It’s up to her to do her own research and learn. Your son knows how she feels and behaves toward him. If it were my son, I wouldn’t let Mom near him. She’s toxic to him. Put your son first. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. She’s an adult and should know better. Your son is a child. Protect him from toxic people.
Get. Help. Not. On. Face. Book. This. Is. Your. Child. He. Did. Not. Ask. To. Be. This. Way. Sit. Mom. Down. And. Make. It. Plain. He. Comes. First
I would totally put her on ignore for a bit, then when she wants to talk to ya and your still ignoring she will figure out your upset, maybe she needs to grow up alittle, I do this alot to people when they hurt me, sometimes more then once, but usually they get it.
Give your mom some literature about atizam, there are several booked out. And some movies about it 'Tempest ’ Grandin is a great movie about it Another Movie about all kinds of the spectrum it A Smile as big as the moon, it is also a book name … Instead of being anoied about a little education on your child’s life will go a long way… No body wants to deal with altisam but of your mom had more information about she will feel like she can help your child better, and will not be embarrassed by his behavior… Believe me you need her on you side as a bake up… Life gets harder as the growing years happen. Good luck.
Pray and allow God to guide your words. If she can’t or don’t see it as a hurtful situation, then 8m sorry grandma will not be seeing her grand. I’m sorry that she is ashamed of her grand, however she certainly needs to be aware of how this make you feel as his mother. It’s time to put a stop to this behavior blessings!
Autism is the ability to see the world differently not a disability in most cases
Having an autistic brother I understand how she feels my mother was embarrassed too and hardly ever took my brother out if it wasn’t because of my sisters they same state they take him out anywhere movies trick or treat restaurants so I’m very grateful to my sisters they’re just some people they just don’t want to understand
So many people are use to things and people appearing perfect, they only look on the outside never seeing the heart of people. This seems to be her issue, worrying to much about GOSSIP and not giving enough LOVE. Unfortunately there are people that can be ashame of family or friends that appear to be different. Thats your SON, show him all the LOVE others may not , the world can be cruel Personally I would let her know how I feel on a respectful level. I truly would say, What if you had the same outcome? Do you think. as your daughter, I would be a shamed of you? No! I would not would be my answer so please Love my son like I still love you even though,I feel that you are ashamed of your grandchild and my son.
I think we’re probably all on the spectrum somewhere! Many brilliant people are autistic, (including some of my grandchildren) Your son is probably wayyy more intelligent than your mum! Perhaps she just needs time to process things… or perhaps she has incorrect and, to her, frightening ideas about Autism.
You don’t have to be confrontational… just keep saying that you all have to support your son: he’s the important one. She can’t really argue with that. Congratulations on your brilliant son, btw. xx
Don’t go in with “are you ashamed of your grandson” approach it in an a way that opens up a positive conversation “how does it make you feel knowing grandsons name has high functioning autism” or even an invite for support “if you ever feel you need to speak to me about any concern or worries you have over grandsons name we can sit together and talk” it might not be embarrassment it might be lack of understanding and she may well just need some support.
Not everyone is clued up on autism. My uncle has Autism and my grandma has always known it to be called damage to the central nervous system. I taught her alot about Autism as we know it now. Not everyone is good with dealing with these things. And that’s okay because we are not all the same.
Your his mother & if you don’t t take up for him no one ever will!! No body is going to love him more than you!! Sit your mother down U& tell her… suck it up buttercup This is the way it is!!! My son is now 37 & absolutely loves everybody!
My 12 yr old hasn’t seen some family in 4&1/2 yrs. now. They live in the same town. Denied a relationship w/ 3 cousins.
Your Mother could “very well be right” do not label a child autistic unless he has been diagnosed autistic by professionals. your Mother may have something.
she seems to think it is an hereditary disease that is passed down through the family and doesn’t want anyone in the family to think he got it from her~ignore her and just love your son and if someone asks why he gets frustrated and runs off before finishing something then tell them~it is nothing to be ashamed of and if you act like it is to spare your MOMS feelings you will hurt him in the long run~being surrounded by love is more important for him then to be surround by lies and pretending he is something he is not~my son was autistic too and he has turned into an amazing man who can fix anything~and yes he too get frustrated at times but it just powers him to find a fix because he was treated as normal~and he was as he was meant to be~so is your son
This is only a idea. You mentioned that he likes to run off. That could be very dangerous. Did you know that they have a service dog to help when he does run off.
Tell her the cure/treatment is love, patience and understanding. Pretty much what we afford all children as they grow
Just say he’s different, not disabled & tell her to get over it! End of discussion
Your mom is intimidated by how smart your son is so she does not understand him. She can’t think that fast or that far ahead. Go smarty pants! rock the world!!!
Dont worry about her your son is your priority.just get any help yoy can,and just be there for him with your love .
Have you asked for training for him from a professional???
Get some information that she can read, sounds like she is uninformed.Best wishes.
I would have a heart to heart with your mom… be honest about your feelings
So far I like your kid better than your parent.
Speak to her. Be honest about how you feel.
Some of these comments are so antagonistic and will only cause more hurt feelings and division. I don’t know how old your mom is or what her experience is with children other than you but autism was not a diagnosis when I was young, I’m 74 and I learned a lot about autism working in childcare. You’re right, some people are uncomfortable with it, but I think it’s mostly because they don’t know how to handle it, or what to do. Unless she’s just a jerk I think she needs to be educated and have more contact with her grandson.
Easy don’t include her if she can’t educate herself
She’s being protective
We are all gods children only show love and always show love
Just tell her it make you feel!
Leave your mother at home
Ignore her ignorance and don’t leave him alone with her.
Dump your mom…she’s a real c u next thursday
Instead of being embarrassed how about education on autism. Not everyone knows about it.
Tell your mum if she can’t accept your son for who he is then she best stay home n not join you fellas on family trips or outings as she would only put a dampener on your outing n ruin the moment …she will soon learn to love her grandchild for the special traits he has n joy that he brings to those around him
I wondering if their are any books made for grandma that you could give her?
I’m sorry but your mom is very selfish person, I’m grandma to 10 and 1 has problems with her behavior but it’s not her fault, I never treat her any different.
There are all kinds of Autism. There are the exceptionally intelligent kids too. Tell your mom.
Find your Mother a support group for autistic children so she can learn more about it and work on her feelings. She needs to be educated. Please remember that she did not grow up knowing about autism. It was not diagnosed when she went to school as it should have been. Please share with her how you feel when she tries to keep this “secret”. She is more concerned about how she will feel if people gossip than she is in teaching others to accept her grandson she claims to love. People are always afraid of what they do not understand or if someone is a bit different. We all are different in our own ways, even her.
Be a bitch to her tell her to grow a pair and either accept him or move on and leave yall be
Sit her down alone and tell her how it makes you feel!!! If she’s still like that after then she’s a horrible human and doesn’t deserve to be in your son’s life.
Autism is just 1 piece of your beautiful baby and if she can’t see past that 1 piece then you dismiss her.
She’s an outright Snob !!!
She loves him but she is going through the stages parents go through, only slower. Tell her what you want to convey to her as if you were asking yourself the same questions or as if you have the same concerns and got these answers: “I wondered if there is medical treatment for autism but the therapist told me the only treatment available is to understand how he perceives things and accommodate the environment” “sometimes I feel I dont want to tell anybody so that people dont gossip about it but another mother told me that it is a heavy burden to carry like a secret and people will notice and make false assumptions and gossip even morr. so better tell them. They will wonder and talk about it a bit then leave the matter altogether” etc…
Prayers. Try to clear the air.
Ahh just talk to hear, ask
Pray about it and then tell her how you feel
Gm has more problems then your son so sad
Are these fake stories that seek to grab your attention?
Sounds like my mother in law. My son has a learning disability. He is 19 years old and functions at an 6 year old level. She hardly speaks of my kids. Instead I get to hear all about how smart and athletic her other grandchild are. Even when my kids are right there. I do not deny them visiting her or participating in family get togethers but I definitely do not go out of my way to visit.
Give your mom a chance and if it doesn’t go well just limit the time they spend together. It’s not good for them emotionally. My kids definitely are aware of the favoritism. It’s hard when they ask why grandma doesn’t love them as much.
I have 3 autistic grandchildren out of 4 on my daughters side. I am far from ashamed. I love all my grandchildren the same. I have never once been ashamed of any of them. They are the smartest children ever and have a heart of gold. Your mom needs to be educated and accept them.the way they are or.move on.
Your mum should be advised of boundaries and if she feels that way maybe don’t travel together. She would be sending off toxic vibes to you and your son. Your little boy deserves only love and acceptance. It’s wonderful that you love and protect him but remember you are the mum here and she should not speak nor act like this. Grandparents should play a very important role in their grandchildren’s lives, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case here.
I’m a very proud grandma of an autistic grandson. He’s my joy. I don’t dwell on his autism, he’s just my handsome little man.
Your mum needs to learn to love every part of her grandchild. You should have an in depth conversation about her ableism and how hiding the fact that your son is autistic would be very damaging to him. Autism is a part of who he is but it doesn’t define him. Hiding his diagnosis would make him feel very bad about himself