My son is 5 years old and was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. He is a smart, brilliant and caring little boy and communicates very well.The only thing he really struggles with is behavior like not being able to focus on something for long periods of time and wants to try to run off. However I can’t help but feel like my mom is ashamed or embarrassed that her only grandchild is autistic. When she does talk about it she always asks about what kind of treatment he can get like it’s a disease that can be cured. And a couple days ago we went to visit some family and on the way there she asked me not to mention to them about him being autistic because she doesnt want them “gossiping” about it. My family loves my son to pieces. I know they would never treat him any differently. I just don’t know how to talk to her about how it makes me feel when she says stuff like that because she can get very defensive and offensive when you try to confront her about anything. What should I do?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom seems ashamed of my autistic son - Mamas Uncut
Educate anyone & everyone you can that’s going to be around your son! Let Mom know you’re not hiding anything. Let the people gossip. Makes them look silly for making a big deal over it. You’re his voice! I’ve got 3 nephews with Autism & they’re freakin’ amazing💕
Tell her how you feel and let her be mad.
YOU are your son’s first line of defense. He will learn it’s ok too stand up for himself by watching your stand up for him.
If they “gossip” over a child, let them have it.
As far as “what can you do”, there are therapies and such but she needs to understand, helping him focus and all won’t get her the results she wants.
Either way, stand up for your child and let her be mad.
Autism is a very sensitive topic to talk about. My younger brother also has high functioning autism and he was speech delay as well. At first it was hard on our family because they didn’t know what it meant or how to help him. Maybe you should start by explain your mom what kind of therapies your son would be taking to help him. Also talk to her about all the stuff he’s capable of doing despite his diagnose. Some people hear the world AUTISM and think about dependence for the rest of their lives. When in reality many autistic children grow up to become very independent and even get college degrees and grow out to be very independent. Maybe just talk to her in general, she might have questions herself that she might be afraid to ask because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. At first my mom was careful about who she told about my brothers diagnosis because she thought that they would treated him differently ( and it happened a few times). Now my brother is 12 years old and is very independent from my mom and is doing well in school and on all the therapies he’s involved. Good luck to you mamma and just sit with your family and talk to them because they are your sons biggest support system
The biggest, best “treatment” someone with autism can get is support.
Hiding the fact he has a diagnosis due to potential gossiping is not supporting him.
That’s all I’d say
When it comes to my kids I never have a problem with telling someone how I feel
The world has a stigma against people with labels. I have several mental labels myself and I get segregated from others if I tell them. 1 thing people don’t understand about labels is that they are there to learn that everyone is different and they should except that it’s normal. The labels help us understand that we all think differently and at different speeds. I’d stand up for his label because people need to be more excepting of them. I stand up for my daughters speech apraxia because it is part of her and it doesn’t hold her back it’s just her mouth can’t work as fast as her mind.
She has a need to hide it… because she doesn’t understand it. Set boundaries due to her ignorance… and then educate her.
Tell her if you love someone, you accept them for who are. It’s time to call her on her behaviour.
Every parent and grandparent want the best for their children and grandchildren. Knowing that one has an issue can be very upsetting and I’m sure there’s a grieving and adjustment process as to what and how we all expected things to happen.
She probably needs to come to terms with that and need some education…telling her off and getting an attitude certainly won’t help. Keep in mind, she grew up during a different time and needs to come to terms and fully digest and accept…
Perhaps her sense of gossip mode is more to protect your son as people were really cruel years ago as to their attitude an acceptance to anyone who was different…it’s complicated.
I would look her dead in the eye and say “so what if they know he has a special view of the world. So does Anthony Hopkins who has a form of autism (Asperger’s Syndrome) and it never stopped him from accomplishing anything.”
To be completely honest you know your child has autism but if he is at the park or anywhere else can the people around him tell he is autistic or is he talkative and stuff? Please parents please stop telling everyone about your child being autistic. If they can not tell there is no need in everyone being informed about it because at that point 99% of those people will treat that child different and there really is no need whatsoever to. Those children want to be treated just like anyone else and y’all are not allowing that because y’all have the need or want to tell everybody this and that… please stop
Probably she is not trying to be mean she just need to be educated about it.
You have to look at it in her prospective as well, did you ever think maybe she’s afraid? Maybe she doesn’t know all there is to know about it? Or maybe she just doesn’t know how to accept that he has autism? I’m not making excuses I’m merely pointing out other reasons why she says and does the things she does.
Maybe she meant like different therapies and support for you both I would have taken it as a chance to discuss what everything means …learn together to be there for your boy
My grandson is 6 and has autism and I don’t care who knows I love him and if anyone said anything about him I’d fight for him. He is the best. I am so proud of him. If she has a problem with him having autism either educate her or maybe best she not be around him.
I have a child with autism myself.
First, you have to understand that people deal with things differently. They react differently. And while we typically think it’s just the parents who have to accept or adjust…it’s not. It’s every one in the child’s life.
Wanting to know what kind of treatments exist is a valid question. Poor phrasing. Valid question.
Occupational therapy and ABA therapy are both “treatments” reward systems. Parenting changes. Dieting changes.
As for not telling people. That’s kind of a neither here nor there.
My kid having autism is the least of who he is. Unless someone needs to know (or they’re on my Facebook)…I don’t tell them.
I don’t want people babying my son or giving him passes that he shouldn’t have because he has autism.
Let it go and just be sad in your feels I guess…if you don’t or can’t say something to her.
I would feel the same love.
Tell her how you are feeling and ask her if y’all can do something together so she can be educated and understand about autism.
Some of the Brightest mines in history were autistic or had some form of disability every single one
Print all that off and hand it to her proof that if anything he has better odds of being kind good hearted an that his disability will only make him stronger and smarter
use this as an opportunity like many parents who have autistic children they have to learn about it and how to do what works for their kids you mom probably doesn’t know much so while it may seem hurtful she might be just genuinely curious on things for your son try educational convos on it so not only are you but so are they so they know what to do and you guys can come together and be a more or a support system
Educate. Educate. Educate.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRagoNfB/ please watch this.
I find a lot of elderly people have a very hard time understanding and grasping what autism is and means. Maybe try to educate her a bit in a nice fashion and also show her all of the successful people out in the world with autism. Just because your son is autistic doesn’t mean he isn’t an intelligent, genuine and beautiful human being. Just have a heart to heart, if she gets defensive take a breath and do what you gotta do
She needs to be educated, and so does the family if they can’t understand. It’s. OT that complicated.
I think with her just learning the situation about her grandson is very upsetting to her and she just hasn’t had time to except it or deal with it I’m not taking up for her but she is going to have some time to really process it once she does I’m sure she will be fine and understand it more I hope . Maybe its something u need to discuss with her in having her to better understand what autistic means and making she can help you with him . I have a autistic nephew and it was hard to know that but I forever love him for who he is and never would be ashamed of him . I hope your mom gets better with the situation but I just keep being a good mom as u are
You have what’s called a 2e baby. Or twice exceptional
Usually with that diagnosis ADHD will follow.
My son is also a stage 1 highly functional asd babe with diagnosed adhd, anxiety and dyslexia. He’s the brightest, most kind hearted, most honest, sweet, loving thing in my life. Cherish him. Keep him close.
As for your mom. Her loss. She’s missing out on something wonderful.
Maybe start emailing her documents or post memes about it if she’s on Facebook
Please go easy on your mum .Yes,it helps if someone knows your child is autistic, that way they know why he behaves a certain way.
Dude no I fell you dont let anyone down play how you feel … especially. No one on FB I feel you so hard …
My nephew is 5 and autistic. I cut his cord when he was born, gone to appointments and therapies with him, etc. I am capable of being his caregiver if something were to happen to his mom.
He is very very intelligent and capable but he does struggle in some areas. I find that people knowing he is autistic helps them understand why he may be doing something differently than typical kids, ex. why he needs to take regular breaks, over stimulation, texture issues, etc. It helps them to understand his brain simply works differently and it’s not a behavior or parenting thing. I can’t imagine trying to make a child with sensory issues like his, try new foods, wear certain clothes or shoes etc. Education helps everyone understand.
Tell them. Don’t hide it
Does your mom secretly wonder if it’s something she did to cause it? Back in the day moms were blamed for any mental illness, so if your son is autistic she may think there’s something wrong with her, with you (she’d still blame herself), or think it has a genetic component. Give her short articles to read, videos to watch, have her join a chapter of Autism Speaks to educate herself on what it is, the different varieties, therapies available, and famous people with the same diagnosis. My neighbor is somewhat autistic and she is a genius with a top level government job with a six figure salary, a biophysics undergrad & management information systems masters degree. She has several side jobs and is quite the entrepreneur. She landscaped her own backyard with a water feature, grows herbs and is an incredible gourmet chef )she also takes on the occasional catering job), makes glasswork jewelry, has worked as a graphic artist and web mistress (artist and coder) for 15,000 web pages, owns her own home & raised two children. Her son who also is on the spectrum is getting a masters degree in cyber security and nursing and may also work as a patent examiner once he graduates.
Give your mom the opportunity to talk to other moms with kids on the spectrum and hear what a blessing they are and she may be BBC able to let go of stigma.
BTW, in addition to Sir Anthony Hopkins, I think Oscar winner Patricia Arquette and famous actress Daryl Hannah have Aspergers, as does Elon Musk. Also look up Temple Grandin, and possibly Alan Turing, who broke the Enigma code in WWII.
Im sorry but her ignorance, weirdness about it is absolutely not something a loving person would do. She needs to educate HERSELF.
Fuck yo mom. My grandma was a douche.
Awww please go easy on your mum. Honestly, I kind of felt like that when my eldest son was diagnosed at age 7. I had no clue about autism and was absolutely devastated, all I could think about was the negatives
Knowledge is key!!
If I knew then what I know know I would not have been upset
My youngest son was diagnosed 2 weeks ago, he is 5. This time my reaction was goodo! Now we can move forward.
When people are faced with things they don’t understand it makes them uneasy, she just needs knowledge and time xx
Many Autistc kids are in some sort of therapy so her asking about treatment is not out of context. If he is in therapy you can tell her about the therapy and what it is for. She may not want the rest of the family to know because she doesn’t want to feel as though she has to field all the questions and it scares her because she is not sure what challenges there are. So I suggest if she makes a comment don’t tell her it hurts you but correct her nicely
She is trying to navigate this and you need to show grace.
Sounds like she needs to be educated on what autism is .
People not understanding doesn’t always mean ashamed. Some just don’t understand and want to be educated when my son was first dx my mom asked so many questions and looked up ways to help him and all kinds of therapies. She just may be using the wrong words. Sounds like she’s trying to be protective of him and trying to learn at the same time
You should have a conversation with your mom and explain how you’re feeling then give her a book explaining autism.
7 Famous People With Autism Spectrum Disorder show her this!
Back in her generation it was talked about like a bad thing. People believing that there is something wrong with the whole family. Also that a lot of people with autism and adhd or really any disorder were forced into mental facilities and the family were ashamed.
Of course now there is a lot of education. Talk to her educate her. Let her know she can come to appointments. Let her also know that the more people that are aware of it the safer your son is because they will know how to cope with he’s meltdowns and also be able to educate their kids about giving him space when he needs so he doesn’t get overstimulated.
She may be trying to process it, but saying things like don’t mention it so people won’t gossip is uncalled for and she should be called out on that. That is her grandson, she should love him regardless of any diagnoses. I work with adults with varying degrees of autism and they are some of the sweetest people I know.
I sorry but that’s disgusting that your mum is embarrassed of her grandson.All kids are special no matter what they have.
Sending hugs. I’ve had one family member act like our 7 yr old son with high functioning autism needed to be spanked when he was younger and wouldn’t listen and follow directions as quickly as he should. It was hard, some days I would be snappy at this person and explained that I simply couldn’t spank the Autism out of him. Fast forward and our son is doing great. The same family member that seemed bitter about our son’s lack of understanding of rules and attention span etc…is now praising how far he has come and progress he makes everyday. It’s hard and sucks. I would explain how her words make you feel, how what you’re doing on a daily for your child is hard enough for you and him, and if it continues to be brought up as an issue…expect you to snap back. PERIOD. Ignorance is no excuse to degrade your child or feel shame. Hang in there, keep your head up, and remember youre doing a great job!
I would suggest following Finding Cooper’s Voice! Might be helpful for you, and give you some comfort or maybe even the words to talk to your mom.
Im trying to see where it says she embrassed? I told my mom not to mention to other family about my son cause they a$$ holes. Ppl get too sensitive
I have an autistic grandson and he is amazing so clever loves animals says it how it is which sometimes makes me laugh and i get into trouble…When he was diagnosed i had no idea so i researched a lot on line and also contacted local support groups for advice to understand maybe ask your mum to do this so she will understand it better also realise how wonderful her little grand child is.
When a kid in the store running amok, knocking over things all over, breaking things. Parents can’t control them, that is embarrassing, And since your son is very smart, which is very normal, & he likes to run off, just maybe this is what she is thinking ,Because we all have seen this happening at one time or another. I have seen a kid throw the salt shaker at a older woman in a restaurant, thanking it didn’t her or anyone else, I had a kid as he was walking by me in a restaurant, spit at me !! That was nice, The parent should always be walking behind them, & not in front, This same kid also grab someone plate & threw it, that’s when the mother turned around & apologized & left !!! So at one time or another, we all seen this happen & again, this is what she is afraid might happen. I do like the many suggestions that were stated here, I do encourage you to research each one, And please don’t be mad at your mom, tell her to research these out also, so she will understand a bit better
Tell her straight how it makes you feel . She may think she’s protecting you both . She clearly does’nt understand Autism . Get her some data and let her read up and get to understand it better . If you want to improve the situation you have to be upfront with her .
Wow, she needs an education now.
You tell her straight but respectfully , do not bend or tip toe around her feelings.
She’s not wrong on “treatment” and sounds like she cares about him being able to progress and possibly doesn’t want the family to use him for their gossip needs.
Therapy can help greatly. My son’s therapist had wished she recorded when she met him vs how much he has progressed. Wish your family the best.
Maybe she knows the family you were visiting can be assholes, and them having that information about your son would start them gossiping and talking about him in a negative light, and she was trying to protect him. Why give them fuel for the fire?
Tell her to hit the high road
Most people don’t understand that autistic peoples (man, woman, & child) brains are wired differently. Not necessarily better, just differently. For example, a neurotypical brain would usually process 19 + 10 = 29, but their brain my process it as 10 + 10 = 20 + 9 = 29. Still got the same answer, just processed it differently.
As time goes on your mum will become less scared of his diagnosis and learn to embrace it!! Stay strong mama!!
pray God will help somehow
I have a grandson who is autistic I am so proud of him
I have 10 grandchildren 2 of the boys 1 is high functioning autistic one very bright with adhd understands everything he is told or watches but cant read or write he tries but the adhd plus possible dyspraxia and superhypermobilty stands no chance. but never ashamed of them ever
Not sure how old your mom is but it’s an older generational thing. My mom would have been that way too, asking me not to mention it to other family. Doesn’t mean she was embarrassed or ashamed, just didn’t want to think the family was gossiping about her only grandchild. It’s a protective type attitude. I totally understand it from your moms perspective.
However I would explain to her that it does hurt your feelings.
Just be straight out say can I tell you something when she says yes tell her everyone she says what ever is bothering you tell her how much it bothers you how much it hurts
You and that let her
Know not to say it again because it hurts you it bothers you
I think you should talk to her about it so she can better understand what autism really is. Sometimes it’s hard to accept what we don’t know.
Imo autism is a higher vibrational being. The govt wants is to think of them as “less than”. Don’t mind what she says, she is conditioned. And it’s also nobody’s business. If you want to advocate for him, you can do so without your family and they will join after you’ve started.
She needs to be educated on autism. Get her some things to read or watch. I would see what they have in common like shopping, puzzles whatever and use that for them to bond. It’s hard for some people to digest and understand.
Your mom is just scared because of what she doesn’t understand. It’s a pretty common human trait. Just be honest with her in a kind way. Don’t come across as accusatory. Have a sit down with her and tell her that we don’t hide from his autism and since it’s not a disease, there is no “cure” but there are things we can do as a family that can help him flourish. Ask her questions, to genuinely understand where she’s coming from and see if you two can build a bridge over her apprehension.
One of my high school friends has autism. You’d never know unless she told you. She is extremely intelligent, personable, and very successful. Almost 20 yrs later and we are still very good friends. Point being, don’t look at it as a disability, look at it as a different ability. You do the same things just a different way of doing it.
Tell her straight. If it’s too much to do in person or the phone because you know she’ll cut you off then text her how you feel. Put her in your shoes and tell her you love her. If she takes it wrong that’s on her. But you need to do this before your kid starts noticing the way she treats him. If it hurts you there’s no reason for her to continue with that kind of behavior.
I wouldn’t care how she feels and tell her strength up how it is and how it’s going to be. Your son is the way he is and that’s just how it’s going to be. They do have therapy that can help him with any issues he has because of his autism, it’s probably what she means by treatment.
Autism was essentially unheard of when I was growing up… it was just beginning to show up in greater numbers when my kids were born. Many people were embarassed and confused by the condition because it was misunderstood. Often the symptoms resembled those of rude, impolite children who had been taught no manners. Parents were made to feel humiliated or ashamed for behaviour their kids couldn’t control. I daresay your mom suffers from lack of education. I would explain to her as gently as possible that the best treatment is to explain the condition to everyone with a little information on how best to interact with your son.
The best to you…
You are mom now. You do what you feel is right, and what makes you happy. You tell what you want to whomever you want. You talk about YOUR baby in whatever way you feel comfortable. This is YOUR turn at motherhood, not hers. You be proud of your baby and dont let anyone change that part of you.
I don’t think she meant the treatment as something bad either, she might just be straight forward and didn’t know how to ask how to go about getting the right help for him. She probably meant it like “well now you know, so what’s next” kind of attitude. He may have to go under assessments to determine what works for his ability and such. The sooner the better and easier for the both of you to get on that so frustration doesn’t come later in life for anyone. Only saying from personal experience with my own 5 year old daughter. She hasn’t been diagnosed with autism but is on the spectrum and struggles with focusing, a bit of communicating and boundaries. She’s just looking out for you (even though it may seem harsh at times) , but talking heart to heart with her wouldn’t hurt either. You both will get an understanding of each other’s feelings.
Is it possible she is being protective of him? Like she doesn’t want people to talk badly about him?
I’d definitely have a talk with her and let her know how you feel. Maybe she is just being protective. I know personally when my family hears the littlest information about my kids or myself they love to run their mouths. A lot of people aren’t even well informed about what autism is or know that there is different levels on the spectrum. I hope for the sake of your child that she isn’t being embarrassed or ashamed bc he will definitely catch on to that and think there is something wrong with him. Wish you the best