My mom has cancer and it is hard for me to try to be there for her because she was not emotinally/mentally there for me through out my entier childhood…i havent cried, i dont know how to feel…i find myself forcing phone calls to her to check in on her…i feel bad that i feel this way…but growing up with a mom who only cared about how her relationship was with your father (thats a whole other story) it just does something to you…i dont hold it against her anymore, i have let it go and moved on…i just feel so disconnected from her now and dont know how to fix this…she never even acknowldged how she treated me growing up so maybe thats why i still feel disconnected? idk…but is there anything i can do? i dont want to have to force myself to be there but i guess i will so she has someone by her side through this…
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom has cancer and I have to force myself to be there - Mamas Uncut
Bring up your feelings or send a letter and state until you get something, you just can’t be there for her. How can one expect that from you if they never gave it?
This could be the time to talk to her about those things so as you may find closure before she is gone.
try and talk it out with her now is the time to try and get your questions answered i wish i sat and talked to my parents when i had the chance my mom and i were not that close and i wish i asked why
I’ve been in this situation and you might feel like it’s forced now but once they pass it hits you. You would regret it years from now.
I went thru the same thing and to be honest I didn’t do anything different and I have no regrets I would just do what you have always done and let her do what she has always done
Unfortunately, several people won’t understand where you’re coming from. Expect rude comments.
I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to say you’re not alone… and you’re entitled to feel however you need to!
You don’t have to feel any certain way. You’re valid in how you feel. However, I would let her know. You deserve closure.
You don’t owe her anything x
I wouldn’t force it tbh. Just continue your relationship as normal and with what you can handle, she didn’t with your and it’s not your responsibility to fix things now
Talk to her about how you feel. Get her side of the story. Give her a chance to fix it but do not let it come between you now cos trust me wen she is no longer there you will have big regrets.
Fix things with get while you can. She is the only mother you get xx
You don’t have to be there. Just be sure that whatever path you choose you can live with after the fact. You don’t owe her anything and you owe yourself everything. If you feel she is open and up to it have the conversations now she may not have ever looked at it from your perspective. Truly the next steps are up to you and in your control. Don’t beat yourself up for having all the up and down feelings you currently have. They’re normal and it doesn’t make you good or bad either way.
I agree. Talk to her about it before you no longer can. It will help you mentally.
I felt the same way when my dad passed away. He had cussed me and said very bad things. Because my sister lied to him. I never talked to him ever again. I tried a few times. I know people say I will regret it but I don’t. He was never there for me but always for my sister. I know it’s not my fault for the way he choose to parent.
Time to sit mama down and have a heart to heart. But be prepared that she may discredit you and not Owen up to what she has done.
How about just having compassion for another human being. Holding on to pain and grudges is not good for anyone. She will have to pass with her own guilts and short comings. Do it for yourself
I understand going through some of this now
You disconnected to protect yourself in order to Survive
Don’t feel bad about it
However I am choosing to be here for my mom
I feel like it’s the right thing to do
And now I realize I do love her and that she does love me
Your feelings are valid… but your mother did the best she knew how to… I’m sure this is deeply rooted and this is how her mother treated her. Forgive her openly and see the pain leave her…
I am so sorry. Even being detached from her I’m sure it hurts knowing you dont feel anything. Just help her get through it. Be who you needed. If she passes at least you can say you tried harder than she
It’s not about you. She is possibly facing her mortality.
Show love & kindness. My daughter was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I can’t do enough for her. It’s about her!
You dont have to be there if you don’t want to not just because she’s a parent
I totally understand. My mom tells everyone how close we are. I don’t feel that connection. Her main goal in life is to make me hate my dad, who committed suicide in 2005. She tells me how he didn’t want me, etc… I loved my dad, he loved me.
You don’t owe her anything. Period.
Doing your best to be there for her is all you can do. You don’t want to have regrets after she dies because you didn’t try your hardest.
I been where you are praying for you.
I was never my mums favourite either it seemed she was more for my other siblings which i dont hold against her. She was there however when i lost my son at 28 weeks 9 years ago and many of other times. She passed away from cancer 7 weeks ago. And i miss her so much! I lost my dad almost 3 years ago aswell so im 31 with no parents. And you only get one set! Regardless of issues in the past try and make it work because for most the regret it x
You don’t have to force yourself to do anything. YOU are responsible for healing your trauma, though. And right now it sounds to be running your life.
I hope you choose to heal and be a better person by doing so.
You dont owe her anything. I have cancer myself and if i did that to my babygirl i would not blame her. In my opinion at least talk with her now to help your and her healing before you dont have the chance any longer
I don’t know. My dad and I had a very strained relationship. The last 6 years was non existent. He died. I did the right thing by him. I had already made peace with myself and moved on. I had mixed feelings about his passing. And soon after I was fine. I’m fine. I don’t have any regrets on how it was.
Unfortunately I do not have much advice bc my mother was the same way when I was a child. And our relationship now seems similar to yours. My mother has Hep C, she has had it for a long time but I also remember feeling very similar to how you are now. And I can say that I would probably be feeling the same way you are now if she were diagnosed with cancer.
I just wanted you to know that a lot of people understand how you are feeling, and why… internet hugs
Talk to her. Even if it is for your own sanity and forgiveness. And it will help you mentally. As long as you know you and her talked and possibly forgive thats all that matters. Believe me it will help you mentally.
And everyone telling you to basically suck it up needs to stop because even parents need to be held accountable.
I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal. I would suggest some counseling. I still a lot of grudges against my mom and I wasn’t very sad when she passed. Go talk to someone…they can help validate your feelings or help you through them.
I disowned my adopted mom after what she did to me and she has 2 types of cancer and I will not talk to her or anything as she is still an evil women
Have that uncomfortable conversation for you . So you can forgive her let go and move on from it so you can be there for her intentionally.
Definitely talk to her and tell her how you feel. It will also help you mentally to move forward. That may be just the conversation y’all need.
The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers
I don’t know how you feel but do what your heart is telling you. I have read your post several times. It’s not in you to fix it. Maybe question her. Just don’t end up hurting yourself because you wished later that you didn’t speak to her about it.
I am going through the exact same thing right now. Sending you great bug hugs! This is so hard!
Maybe she didn’t even realize how bad it was for you. If I was you I would gently bring it up and let her know how you feel about it… ￼￼
They to treat her as you would want to be treated not how she treated you. Give a little grace when necessary to yourself and to her .
Some things we do from duty because we have grown to the point we can.
I’ll start by saying I had a fantastic mom.
She got stomach CA when I was 24, she was 55, passed within a year. I took complete care of her. It was brutal, but also a privledge. And I would never change it.
I’ve learned to accept people for who they are, instead of who I wish they were.
If I were you. I’d be as involved as possible, because you may have huge regrets down the line if you don’t.
Wishing you light and love
I was in same situation with my dad for 53 years he verbally abused me an I took it. I loved him anyway. It was me holding his hand when he took his last breathe . It’s been 8yrs and I still cry. I have Parkinson’s and n none of my kids even ask how I am or if I need anything. I’ve always been there for them
Let me explain something to you as a cancer survivor, don’t you ever invalidate your feelings because you matter to! Your mom knew what her priorities were and unfortunately she wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry that you had to go through that. However, the old adage has always been said to our parents and our parents, parents watch how you treat your kids because when they get older or sick you’ll need your kids. She won’t ever acknowledge your feelings and not just because of the meds it’s because in her mind she didn’t do anything wrong and that’s possibly because she was done the same way. I’m proud of you for setting your boundaries and voicing your feelings while she’s still here. Only time will help you through this but it’s up to you whether or not you want to be there but don’t force anything.
I think later in life you’ll be glad you did this.
My birth mother was dying of cancer and wanted to see me and talk with me and I refused. This wasn’t something I was open to nor wanted in my life. It’s been years and I still have ZERO regrets. My birth mother made her bed she could lay in it. You have a choice and do what makes YOU feel-good. That’s the best advice I can give you. Also don’t let ANYONE make you feel bad for what’s best for you and your mental health.
It’s just my opinion but we all have a choice in our lives to become better or bitter.
It’s fine regardless of what you choose. I myself would forgive her and be the better woman. She wasn’t there for you so you know exactly how much it impacts the soul. I would be there as much as I could because you’re not going to get another chance.
I didn’t have a relationship like that with my mom. We were close. My thoughts are, you only have to live with your actions. Do what you feel is right for you to do so you can live with your decision. Prayers to all.
Is she was so horrible why do you have to be there? I’m confused…
Well you still need to for your own peace and happiness
Let me tell you the best advice I have ever heard in my life… “Sometimes we have to accept an apology we will never get… You only get one Mother and she’s already set in her ways… Either you try to get along with her for the remainder of her days or forever regret it… One thing we always regret are the chances we did not take… We can never rewind time”. And I tell you this from the bottom of my heart… I said this to someone who now regrets not doing things right and he is now gone and she regrets it every single day of her life.
It’s a decision u will have to live with the rest of ur life honey- do what ur heart is telling u- u aren’t a bad person because u do what u need to for yourself- my mom and I had a strained relationship but when she got cancer and was dying I was there with her and we got some things sorted out and now I’m so glad I was with her- just listen to ur heart!!!
Forgive her, and yourself. We don’t forgive for them, we forgive for us. I understand this… my mom was an abusive alcoholic… The state took us when we were left home all day. I was the oldest of three. I was 3. She died young… I have chosen to forgive her:pray:
She knows the wrongs she has done, be there for her
Give her the love you wish you received. Your integrity is the person you are … not the person you are in response to someone else you’ve got this
I’m sorry and I totally understand. Same with my mom she now has cancer and she was so emotionally abusive and mentally abusive to me as a child where I needed therapy but loved and cherished my sister. She had no and I mean no problem showing extreme favoritism to my sister. I myself is a 3X cancer survivor and she was not there for me once as well as when I had my kids she didn’t want to come to the hospital or help me at all. I’m finding it hard to show emotions towards her because when l looked into the frightful face of cancer three times she was nowhere to be found
Having a parent that passed yrs ago, don’t live with regret… once your parent is gone we can’t go back in time. Talk to her
Be the better/bigger person in this situation, take care of her, you’ll be glad you did later:pray:
If you can discuss this with her, then please do.
Sometimes we hurt people without realising it. Without her acknowledgment I don’t think you will ever get the closure you deserve to move past this. Your want to be there for her regardless of how she treated you says an awful lot about your character. Talk to her.
Someone I saw once wrote that you don’t owe your abuser anything. Just because they’re dying does not mean you have to forgive them or be there and that does not make you a bad person. Also, to think how you would feel afterward if you chose to be there vs if you decided not to. I would take this time to ask all the questions I needed for my own closure, if this was my situation. Don’t feel guilty. Your mom didn’t do what you needed her to do, for you to be able to form a bond with her. Your disconnect is a result of that. I wish some peace for you during this time.
You don’t owe her anything, but you do owe yourself a chance for closure. I don’t agree that you have to try and patch things up with her, but getting out how you feel and how she has made you feel is probably a good idea. And if that’s not something you’re comfortable talking to her about then try talking to someone else about your feelings. Grief is a funny thing and it might hit you hard or it might not hit you at all, but it’s important to prepare yourself for it. My mom and I were very close and I lost her a month ago. Even in a relationship like ours there were resentments and I’m glad I was able to talk to her about them before she passed.
I’d speak the truth. That’s why people like me.
But that’s why people hate me too. Lol
Be there for her. You will regret it later if your not. Don’t let her be alone sweetheart.
Maybe I’m cold but if you don’t feel it, why fake it? If you didn’t have a healthy relationship when she was feeling well, why obligate yourself now?
That being said, if you feel that you may have regrets later, do what you need to. But, don’t do all of this simply because she is your mother and you feel you have to. It sounds disingenuous so why drag yourself through that.
Your feelings are valid and if you want to try to fix it, I’d say talk to her. You also have to remember she knew what her priorities were/should have been years ago so she will probably feel like she didn’t do anything wrong.
I don’t think you have moved on at all by reading this post. I’m not judging you as we cannot help the way we feel.i would definitely seek counseling to help yourself through this.
If you have to force yourself to be there, you haven’t really let it go. You are disconnected because there is still resentment there. You can tell yourself you let it go but the reality is that you haven’t.
I lost my mom to cancer 7 months ago, and like you, I felt disconnected to her almost my entire life. When I found out she had cancer, I did everything in my power to help her, be there for her and to meet my real mom. I asked a lot of questions, I stayed with her during her treatments and took her to every single one of her appointments, I did everything in my power to be there, and now I feel calm and in peace, my mom died in my 35th birthday, and I am so great full that I got to know her and to spend time with her.
My siblings where apart, feeling their own feels and now they regret not being there.
They went to the cemetery on mofher’s day but the last 2 years they were busy, now they are there.
I tell you all of this because it doesn’t matter what happened before you still have a chance and you should try it!
From a Christian point, vegenence belongs to the Lord… care for her because the future is ambiguous, never return bad with bad decide to be a better person in this whole situation, may the good Lord guide you.
My suggestion is talk to her, tell her you are very hurt by you were treated by her during your childhood. Is it possible that she didn’t realize how this has affected you, you need to forgive her for yourself( so
It doesn’t eat you up inside) it doesn’t mean you ever forget how you were treated, but this is the first step for your healing. I’ve been there I forgave but you don’t forget and you don’t have to be around het if you don’t want to
You have to let it go, and maybe you need to talk to her about it to do that. I didn’t meet my dad till I was 12 and he died 10 years later. I forgave him long before hand, but idk how I’d feel if I wasn’t able to.
Be better than how she treated you , be there for her now or you will suffer yourself later possibly with grief as well for not helping, this not my place. But maybe this is life’s way to bring you two back to some sort of peace ,wishing healing for your mom n love for you n her
We only have 1 mother 1 father she brought you into this world she can take you out but instead all the bad she did maybe is ba firing on her maybe I don’t know but she did wrong all we can do is be the bigger person an for give big hugs lady
Sometimes that’s all you can do.
Do what you need to do that you can live with. When you look in the mirror or late at night, do what keeps your conscious clear. That is all you can do.
You will regret it later on if you do t find away to mend things with your mother & make peace & enjoy what time you have with her now!!
I completely understand this.
I’d say you are still holding it against her, have not moved on and let it go…
I was in the same position you are in 2006 when my mother passed from brain cancer. We didn’t have a good relationship when I was growing up. She was verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. But I was there for her when she passed. I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. I forgave her. I told her I forgave her. I don’t regret it. It gave me the closure I needed. We all make mistakes as parents. Some worse then others. But we need to forgive to truly move forward and to get the closure we deserve. Be there for her and show her the compassion and love you wanted, needed and deserved as a child.
Don’t sound like you’re over it but I’d address it and if she can’t make ammends that’s on her…all that matters is you get to say what you want to say…we don’t owe our family anything…you owe it to yourself
This is a perfect time for you to really get to know your mother and why she did the things she did. Mother’s aren’t perfect, but we do love our kids with all our hearts. This will help you to heal and get closer with your mom. You just have to start the conversation. I don’t think you’ve truly let go. Your feelings are valid tho.
Girl I am in the same shoes as you. But my mother doesn’t have cancer. So growing up I would get raped and molsted my mom knew but still let the guys around me. Well I got put into foster care at 9 until I was 18. When I turned 18 and finally was out of school I decided to go home. I have 5 brothers who I raised and missed deeply. Well at first my mom was happy but after just a day being home everything changed. My mother put me three so much but I forgave her. She is my only mother and if anything would happen to her I would cry and be sad. I’m still angers with her but honesty I do love her and she’s my only mother. My father isn’t in the picture but my step dad is. My step dad is like a mom and dad in one to me.
Get therapy…sometimes, you take care of a parent and it heals you more than you realize but if you are still feeling childhood pain, therapy helps
Your concern for her during this time tells me you’re the bigger person. Don’t force yourself out of duty to her, but focus on being there for someone in need. Try to get to know her now as adults instead of as your childhood parent. You may never connect like you want, but you won’t regret trying.
I went thru this same thing with my birth mother. I can tell you that after she passed, I was beyond thankful that I was there for her in the end.
Prayer about this whole situation, ask God to directly give you peace, understanding, and inner forgiveness towards your mom, life is way too short too live life in the past, ask God too release old wounds
I would say maybe talk to her about it bc unless you do you won’t actually forgive her and you won’t move on.
Forgive her YOU WILL FEEL BETTER TOO
You can still be there for her regardless of if she was there for you or not. She is dying. This is a great time to work on letting go of resentments and just being kind.
If you cannot do that however, then I would tell her that and have her find someone else. There’s no need to create even more resentments if you cannot move forward.
I lost my dad two years ago. I spent a better part of my life trying to please him and do well in life. He treated my sister worse, and I just wrote him off. Fast fwd to him dying abruptly without even trying to patch things up. I never cried. I cried for my sister, and I cried for the baggage he left us and the huge burden of his estate that be never handled. I cried for many reasons but not because of him being gone if that makes sense. He was a mean hearted man that nobody was ever going to change. I, like you tried to be there from a distance, I helped pay his bills but never reached out to him otherwise. Don’t be guilted into doing something. Look deep inside and figure out what you want out of this. It’s on your moms shoulders to make this right, not yours. If you’ve even reached out to her, you’re already the bigger person IMO
I think you should get a therapist and see if you can work on things with yourself and her. If she doesn’t acknowledge how you feel or doesn’t have true remorse then decide how you feel. You have no obligation to care for her. My father contacted me through a social service women back in 2012. He was sick and they wanted some one to care for him since he had no one. I said no because he left me in 1989 with no visits or calls. I don’t regret caring for him. I only regret maybe meeting him once but I won’t care for someone who didn’t do it for me esp a parent. Good luck.
I think you should try and let the past go and use this time to really get to know her, then you might gain some understanding on why she was the way she was. This is your chance to heal that trauma before she’s gone xx
Omg this is me but with my dad, passed in 2020. I forced myself to visit as well he was very toxic and angry person. I thought maybe it was the cancer and everything else he had wrong with him. I tried very hard but sometimes think it maybe wasn’t enough and we just were too different of people. I was written out of the will and I think just seeing that on paper “and to my other child,nothing” was kind of a blow to the head. I honestly still don’t know what to think.
17 months ago on Dec.10th my mom passed away from cancer… she was bed ridden the last three months, she wanted me there everyday to take care of her., And I was…even though I felt I was pushed aside as a child and made To be a nobody in her shadow with cruel treatment, as she in all indications suffered from narcissism and bi polar disorder. I also know she was neglected herself growing up., Also she was barely,20 when she had me, as I grew older, I let alot of it go, knowing she did the best she could with what she knew…as I was taking care of her, for the first time she made me feel important…I’m so thankful I was there for her, even though then, like you,I didn’t feel that phased by the whole situation, I still don’t know why…but sense she passed, I wished I’d been there even more…I guess what I’m trying to say is, no matter what, no matter if she is ugly to you till her last breath, you do what you can live with, don’t let your pride get in the way of doing what you know is right…I would rather live with hurt pride, you can get over that, it’s way better than horrible regrets…
You holding on to this is no good talk to her and tell her how you feel ask God to help you talk to your Mother get it off your chest AMEN
Find closures before it is to late speaking from someone that lost her father to cancer and wasn’t there in her life…
You stand up and be the rock! SHE may not have been the mother you deserved, but your the daughter she raised. AT LEAST, you’ll not regret that you weren’t there. You have to forgive and as you said, move on. IF you don’t, your heart may not feel it now, but later in your life, its too late to change your actions of today. Theres nothing like blood relatives even if its bad blood.
All of your feelings are valid and the lack of feelings may be a way to protect your heart. You are a good person doing the right thing by your mother. Good for you and you will benefit in the long run.