I live in North Dakota. As of right now, my EX and I share custody of our children. There has never been a Custody agreement put on paper; we were never married. Things are Changing, and my children are unhappy. They no longer want to go over there when it’s his time. Also, they have terrible attitudes when they come home. They never have any positive things to say about their time with him. My oldest makes a list of everything she misses when she home with me. I want to go for full custody, and I’ve been calling around, I filled out paperwork for legal aid and was turned down because the house makes to much. It would be just me fighting this fight and paying for it, but they want the entire income for everyone in the house. (we live with my bf) I know I can not afford this fight on my own. Does anyone have any advice for me? Anyone else been in this situation? How does this work? I just want my children to be happy!
I’m in North Dakota too! Been through this a long time ago. Depending on the age, kids have to be 13yrs old to decide who they want to live with or visit.
Maybe you should address WHY.
Parental alienation describes a process through which a child becomes estranged from a parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the parent, and may extend to additional relatives or parties. The child’s estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent. Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is believed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved, although the participation of professionals such as lawyers, judges and psychologists may also contribute to conflict.
Just know that even if you take him for full custody you probably wont yet it. If he’s willing to put up a fight. I dont believe you stated the ages of the kids however their kids and should be spending time with both parents. Just giving you a heads up that a judge can order visitation and when you fail to comply cause the kids dont wanna go you will.be in fault
Ur house hold is u and ur kids u are technically renting with ur boyfriend u care for you and ur kids no help from him! Re apply
I agree with Brittany Kay McAlister, you and your boyfriend aren’t married. Therefore, his income doesn’t count. It’s technically renting a room from him, which is considered split households. Re-apply and you’ll qualify.
I only had to pay for the custody papers to be filed. In Alaska it was 200$ I fought everything by my self and never had to pay for anything.
If nothing has been put on paper then you have no legal binding document ? How old are your children if they have mental capacity then I wouldn’t send them you won’t get legal aid unless you are a single parent who is financially struggling and have been a suffered of domestic abuse and dv and you have reports ect to prove this xx
That’s there dad to. Dosent matter what they want. A judge will ask you . Do you wake up in the morning and ask your kids how you can dress or what there making for dinner or getting permission from them?? Absolutely not. It’s not up to them. You can’t rob them of not having a father cause there in happy at the moment. You may get full custody but he will still get visitation rights !! Are you bitter? Are you saying things to make them not like it? Are you encouraging it ?. I am all about equal rights and hate when another parent want to take there kids away just isn’t because you think it’s right .
I never made my kids go to see their dad if they didn’t want to.
I personally wouldn’t force my child to go to see their dad if they didn’t want to. Up to yourself at the end of the day
Find out why. Maybe they have a good reason for not wanting to go. You should listen and respect their decision. You don’t know what’s happening over there thats frightening them.
I first suggest speaking with him, as well as speaking to your children. Find out the issue at hand. I’d hope neither parent is discussing the other parent, to the children. That’s not right. Children should feel safe, and unconditional love from both parents. Alienating the other just isn’t right, unless the children are not safe and being abused in one way or another.
My kids use to say the same about my ex, but I would still make them go because I always felt it’s important to have a relationship with their dad. Because of it they have a stronger bond with him. If he’s still seeing his kids he is a present dad and it’s going to be hard to get full custody. My advise is to get a mediator and agree on a parenting plan for joint custody. Way cheaper and let’s their dad still be in their lives.
He is your bf. His income is his. You just need a item list of all your expenses. Reapply. I’m in the same right now. My kids hate seeing their dad.
Do you get any child support from the children’s fathet
You probably won’t get full custody because if he fights you on it the judge will give him visits unless the children have a really good reason for not being there
If there is nothing on paper regarding custody, you don’t have to send them. He would have to file and fight it to get custody time.
There’s a reason your kids don’t want to go. Are you bad mouthing him? Is he bad mouthing you? Has he gone through recent changes in a relationship? Do the two of you communicate well? How does he feel about you having full custody?
Lots of questions. The bottom line is they have a mom and a dad, and unless he’s abusing or neglecting them, or causing them some sort of harm while they are visiting him, he deserves his visitation, as do they.
Kids don’t always like their parents. We’re not suppose to be their friends. We’re suppose to do what’s best for them. Talk to your kids and find out why they don’t want to go. Then talk to their dad and let him know what they’ve said. Got from there.
Don’t include your bf… reapply.
I would take them to a counselor if possible to try to find out WHY they don’t want to go.
I would question more of why they don’t want to go and also talk to dad. It could be something that can be fixed. In my opinion you should at least give dad a chance to fix it or make it better. Is it more of their age and want to hang with friends as opposed to going with him? Like others are saying you may win custody but unless he is unsafe to be around he will still have visitation which you would be required to follow even if they don’t want to go. I would also like to know if you have any animosity towards dad and if so have you said anything in front of your kids or made them feel as if they should want to be with you over him. Even if you haven’t said that they still pick up on things. So maybe it’s your issues with dad that are causing theirs. A lot of information is needed to help with what specific to do. But overall I would get to the bottom of why and go from there.
Depends how old kids are. He may be stricter, which would make them upset, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t see their dad. Unless he is harming them in some way. You should suggest they continue to go. They are kids. They don’t know what’s best for them. They may grow to regret it later. You as well.
Its your job to say its time to go and make it ok.
My first question would be why dont the children want to go there? Depending on the reasons they give, you should sit down and talk to your ex. This isn’t a competition on which parent the kids prefer. The should have a relationship with both parents. I would make sure there is no element of parental alienation going on and that your kids dont feel like it makes you happy that they dont enjoy time with their dad. What type of shared custody do you have? If it’s one week with mlm and one week with dad then maybe it’s too disruptive to them and another arrangement is better like every weekend with dad or every other weekend and and every Wednesday or something. You can get creative with the arrangement. Unless there is abuse or neglect going on I would encourage my kids to spend time with their dad and keep an ongoing bond there. You never know if something could ever happy to you they would need their dad and its important you do everything you can to encourage that relationship if there is nothing unhealthy going on
My kids went through a time of not wanting to spend the night at their dad’s. Never cut off access but didn’t force them to stay the night. Eventually they chose to again.
How old are the kids? You can’t make them go! If you have court order, you can not send them and see if he takes you to court, then tell the kids won’t go!
Why are you counting you’re boyfriends income? That’s not you’re husband so you’re not entitled to his money therefore it cannot count against you.
Can you give examples of why??? I mean, my kid hates going to school, but I still make him. They hate going to family dinners with the elders, but I make them.
I’m curious as to why? There’s gotta be a reason. My steps hated coming bc they had rules and were actually parented.
Depends on kids age, they could be just bored at dads house. They are his kids, unless there is a legitimate reason there is no reason. Maybe time for a open discussion between you and him and the 2 kids to discuss the issues. That may remedy.
- you need to find out WHY they don’t want to go. If it’s for any reason OTHER than their being hurt in his care, you shouldn’t do anything
- If he IS hurting them, you have no formal custody agreement, which means you aren’t legally required to give him visitation. If he chose to fight it in court, what he did to hurt them would come to light
- Again, if he is NOT harming them in any way, you can’t give into them having a fit about it. Ultimately it’s hard to split time between 2 houses but in the long run they’ll be happier with him in their lives.
Bottom line, tread carefully
If they are not wanting to go to there dads then something is up cause got to have happy kids if they ain’t happy then something’s up
You dont have to fight for custody, you already have it. He can fight if he wants to see them. Their age matters, also.
Truthfully you should be encouraging a better relationship between father and kids help them find the positive not just be ok with them not wanting there dad
I wouldn’t cut them completely off. Just see if the kids would be okay going a lil less, but still going over there. They need a relationship with their dad.
Communication with both kids and their dad ! If it’s a court ordered visitation they have to go unless you can prove there is neglect and or abuse going on! If they don’t go you could lose them or land in jail for contempt
Figure out why and help fix it. Don’t be THAT parent.
Have you actually sat down and talked with your ex?
If nothing was ever written down , signed and notarized and y’all weren’t married you automatically have full custody. He eill
1st of all you dont get to dictate when they see their dad. Even if they say they dont want to go. Why dont they want to go? Rules? Dont like the food? Those are not reasons to not go. If u stop letting them see him and he takes u to court after being involved it wont make u look good. U dont get to rule their relationship. But you need to support it. Hes around to be a dad dont take that away from him.
I think any of Dad and Mom’s friendships should be looked at as well.
There’s no “legal” agreement here. Why are u wasting your time? You were a single unwed birth mother so you automatically have “full custody!” Get off facebook for advice n research/ learn your rights!
You share custody but no custody agreement?? You dont share anything. You choose to.
Have you spoke to your boyfriend about this? Especially if they want to know his finances?
I’m going through the same thing . My man is on E.I and don’t very much, I’m the bread winner. I have 3 boys of my own and cant afford more kids . So its strained me to say the least . You should talk to your boyfriend, because I personally didnt like being thrown under the bus and volunteered to struggle with more kids …
Keep in mind that kids will also say and do things to make a parrot happy when it’s their wishes and not the children’s. . I don’t believe a father should ever be cut out of children’s lives unless there is abuse or neglect. . They do need a father figure. And they do need to know that both parents love them unconditionally. . I can tell you this unless there is abuse or neglect. It would be very rare for a court to Grant full custody to one parent. .
Growing up, we hated visiting our dad because he was always drunk or angry or both. I’m thankful that my mom eventually got full custody. I guess it depends on why they don’t want to see their dad. If he’s stable and not endangering them or making them uncomfortable, I would say to talk to dad and work it out. If he is actually toxic and harmful and they don’t want to be around him for good reason, don’t force them to go. When you ask for full custody, a social worker will do an interview with the kids one-on-one to determine whether it’s from your influence or not. They did with us.
I guarantee they’ll givr him custody unless there’s serious abuse going on thay can be proven. It may be in your best interest to not go to court jsut yet… you already have full custody- you arent legally forced to send them over . Just say ih they’re sick… nonschalante reasons to cancel visits if your kids are not wanting to go. If you wanna bail and not have them around their dad i recommend moving far away before anything starts in court. After court your stuck within a 2 hour radius
Is there a specific reason why they don’t want to visit him? I have the same agreement with my ex on custody. Speak to your ex and your boyfriend about it. Find out the reasons they don’t want to go and make a decision from there. If they have solid reasons advocate for them. See if it can be fixed before taking it all away.
Id find out why they dont wanna go. If its something thay can be fixed try to fix it. If not then go for custody. Depending on the ages of the children a lot of times a judge will ask the children what they wany and will go w what they say.
Doesn matter of they dont like it. If they are not in harm’s way at dads. MAKE them go. He deserves to see them as much as u do. No judge is gonna let u just take full custody and never let dad see them again. Shame on u for doing that
Its fucked up.
UNLESS. Of course they are being abused at dads. Then thats a totally different story
They’re not gonna take any kind of rights away just because. My son didn’t wanna be here at one point cuz we took away his video games. Kids usually have stupid reasons
At age 13 a child can make the choice if there is a legal binding agreement.
Show the list to their dad. If he can change to accomadate their needs great.
If he choses not to tell him he will have to file for vistitation.
He may be unaware of how the kids feel and why. ( men are clueless creatures)
I was i have have always told my kids that if they did not want to visit their dad they need to tell him instead of me. Yes i know im their mom and am here to protect them. I also told them i. Not going to have them go somewhere they really do not want to be.
they don’t want to go don’t send them!!!
- Look over your children’s concerns. You know them and can determine what is a child not wanting to go and a legitimate reasons for not going.
- You and the children’s father should have a talk about the children’s concerns.
- Is there mental, physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.
- We are our children’s first teachers on how to resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner.
Just dont send them and when asks why explain to him and let him file paperwork with the court
Since there is nothing on paper, make a parenting plan and file it with the courts.
Your children do not need to go and depending on their age they can make that choice for themselves.
Keep a journal of fatea times of what your children say to you or better yet have them right it down.
I will keep you in my prayers.
What are the ages of the children? At certain ages a judge will speak with the children and see what they have to say…if they prefer to be with mom then a judge may grant that. Legal Aid may be a great place to seek advice
My heart just broke about your oldest making a list of thing she’s missed when she’s away. Especially if she’s unhappy while doing it. My first action would be to find out what’s going on over there? All while telling dad the kids are miserable with him. Adult to adult. As a child who was forced to go places and do things I didn’t wanna do, it effected me my whole life. Prayers for y’all hopefully you get keep them home or get it worked out
If your insurance covers therapists,take them.everything is documented there.it may come to a court case but the judge should at the least take the oldest back to speak to them if it comes to that.most attorneys will do a payment plan
Unfortunately u could get in trouble for with holding the kids (depending on state) and some states will adhere to verbal agreements if he has been haveing regular visits then it counts as a verbal agreement.
Call legal aid and see what ur options are
Listen to your kids.
Record all visits
Keep receipts of EVERYTHING
and a Diary of your kids… aka… sports… any extra activities outside the home. I was in your shoes and this help me tremendously… Good luck and bless your heart…
Listen to your kids…If you don’t you may regret it. Let him make the first move…he may not & problem solved.
Be very, very careful. Research your state statutes carefully. Once you involve the courts you will most likely find that children have no rights.
Would their father be open to shortening the time of each visit?
you don’t live with your bf he just became your room mate and splits the expenses make it happen. if you aren’t married and he isn’t the father of your children he isn’t responsible for your expenses.
Legally he can not sign his rights away unless they’re being adopted by a new husband and they’d have to be in his care for at least 6 months before that could happen.
Is the father being abusive? If there is no abuse then you need to teach your kids to appreciate their time with their dad whether they want to be there or not. If he isn’t abusing them then there is no reason to file for custody. It sounds like you have ungrateful kids just wanting their way. You can’t make them happy all the time. You have to parent them. Also talk to the dad and find out what is going on. I didn’t hear you mention anything about abuse, and if there is no abuse. you need to talk to their father and figure this out together and coparent those kids the right way.
You’re the custodial parent. If your kids don’t want to go don’t make them go. You don’t need a court to order that. If he wants visitation it is his responsibility to file for it. Not yours. And there’s no law that says you can’t represent yourself in a custody case. All a judge cares about is truth and evidence. So just document everything and take it to court with you if that’s the route you choose.
Also he can sign his rights away
Sadly not much can be done I had trouble just keeping them home if they were really sick when they are old enough depending on your state age wise… they can say they don’t want to go as long as they aren’t being abused there
First how old are they and don’t force them if they r unhappy. Find out the reasons why before you do anything
Oh reread it and you aren’t married so they would ask for testing to prove it. I had a judge tell me once while not married that court rooms aren’t for “you people” meaning unmarried and he said living in sin! Hope you get a decent judge
Sounds like just another narcissistic mother trying to maneuver around her ex in secret. Seems to me that you don’t like how your children act towards you when they return, if they didn’t like going to their dads ,then they wouldn’t have attitude towards you, they would be happy to be home so that don’t even make sense. Normal children don’t make list of what they miss when they’re not with mom, sounds like these children are being brainwashed by the mom to dislike the dad and not want to go to their dads. I didn’t read why these children don’t want to go over to their dads, what are the reasons? That don’t even make sense of what you’re saying there either. I think this mother is not doing a good co-parenting with the father. If children are not happy then she needs to find out why, what what’s been going on if there’s abuse,or neglect or if it’s just them not want to go over there then the children need to understand if that’s time of their dad and they need to quit, she needs to make them understand that the dad is important just us their mom and the mom needs to understand that that also. In actual it sounds like both parents have split custody that you’re not the main parent there is no main parent unless that’s established by Court, but I pray that you talk to your ex which is actually the kid’s dad about all this and stop being so one-sided.