Hi there, I have an anonymous question. I am a new stepmom to a WONDERFUL 5 yr old I’ve known for three years now. Anytime my husband and I have time with the child, the BM won’t leave us alone - sending my husband text after text and then email after email (on almost a daily basis). The child is with the mom 80% of the time due to distance. I completely understand communication about the child, but this seems to be excessive, especially at times when she knows we are in the middle of doing something fun. For example, we took the kid to the beach, where the mom insisted FaceTiming them. We always try to accommodate, even after letting her know it’s not the ideal time to keep the peace. Well, the child was having such a great time, they didn’t want to talk, so it didn’t go the best. My husband then got two LONG emails back to back on how miserable her child looked in addition to all this random past stuff between her and my husband that had nothing to do with FaceTime (she is still not over him). What can we do to keep healthy communication with the BM without feeling like she is completely encroaching on our time? I feel it’s so important to let her and the child know she, as the mom, is always welcome, but at the same time, we also need our own time and need healthy boundaries. My husband does a great job giving need-to-know info and even ignoring what he needs to, but it has been worse over the summer. Today, we just got a random email about how she doesn’t like that I’m in the area during her FaceTimes because the child brings me up too often. Well, I live here (which she knows), and I would think she’d be happy that the child is having such a great time with us but… yeah… I am trying not to say anything negative because I recognize it’s hard for a mom to not see her child 24/7, but help, please?!?! Any advice aside from what my hubby is already doing?
First I would like to say it’s awesome you are trying to make this work. It’s a tough situation. If there’s a court order on parenting time, there should be something in there regarding phone time as well. If so, you have to follow the minimum of what it states. With that being said, yalls time is yalls time. It’s perfectly fine in my eyes for her to call once a day to tell him goodnight or see how his day was but interrupting yalls time is going too far. I totally understand missing your child. My kids are in split homes because their dads and I didn’t work out. I miss my kids like crazy but I wouldn’t ever act like that. There needs to be clear set boundaries and them be followed. If there’s a court order stating phone time, she needs to follow that and if she’s not, you guys are not obligated to do more than what is stated. Obviously if the child wants to call or video, I would allow that. Let her know you all are in the middle of something and will return the call or video call at a more convenient time. If boundaries are not set, she will continue to act this way and it will only get worse as the child gets older. I hope this helps
I don’t think the 2 of you can solve this on your own. The child is hurting. Birth mom is too wrapped up in her own stuff to see that she is the cause. And she’s unlikely to respect or understand boundaries set by you or her ex. If you have lawyers it’s time to involve them in writing up an agreement of reasonable contact when a parent is not with the child. If you don’t have lawyers you need to file a request with the judge. Ask that all communications with birth mom go thru a court communications service and ask that each parent can contact the child at most once a day for, say, 15 minutes, when at the other parent’s home. Once an authority other than the 2 of you has reasonable boundaries in place, just ignore birth mom when she exceeds the boundaries. But you’re going to need those boundaries in writing with the backing of the court.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husbands ex will not leave us alone when his child is with us: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Have your husband and you sit down with her and discuss when a good time to communicate would be and help her understand that you guys can’t always accommodate to her. Be firm but polite.
Block her number when u have child
Ok first off that’s harassment and I will block all communication with her she has no right to be calling like that the baby isn’t in any type of danger so cut it out it’s ok for a check up call but while the child is away that should be time for her to do things she can’t do while the child is in her care she’s running yall time with him it’s making her miserable
You do not have to answer when you have him! That is your time not hers! If it is a couple order visit …maybe talk to your lawyer and see if you can modify the order to her not interfering and you will allow the child to call her if they child asks! Otherwise strictly emergencies or when traveling to make the trade with the child
Where are the nail posts? I thought this was a nail page…
I have been in your position and honestly I was the one bothered by his relationship with the ex so I would get bothered. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. What if it was you having to be away from your child? Once I was able to sit back and be happy for my kids coparenting has been amazing. During video calls I give my kids their privacy my ex doesn’t have to see me and I prefer it that way. If she is communicating about the kids even if it’s seems little be the bigger person and kill her with kindness. I promise you once you take feelings out and focus on the kids things go way smoothly.
Ignore. I would only respond when needed. Y’all basically letting her run y’all time with the child. Just ignore her. Don’t respond. It’s nothing she can do but be upset. Not like she can stop him from getting her, all she gone do is keep on. If u have her for the summer, send a few pics here and there and enjoy y’all time. Nip this in the bud now or she gone keep on. I can understand she miss her baby, but maybe like 5 minutes before bed she can get a call and let that be. You ain’t finna run nothin we got goin on over here. You know she still jitter if she bringin up old shit.
Set up a time for her to call when the child is with him. Outside of that it will be when the child wants to speak to her. If she doesn’t like it and wants to blow his phone up with texts and emails he can ignore them.
All that needs to be talked about when u guys have that child is how the child is doing and if u wanna tell her what u all are out doing. No need to respond to any emails or texts unless its an emergency. I used to be like that mom…but i got over it. I understood its about the child having a good time and being happy…not me sitting there constantly bugging their dad, being rude and ruining the fun. So just have him explain that the only needs to responses to her would be in an emergency or sending pics of the child.
Sounds like to me the ex is using your husband’s time with the child an excuse to talk to him
Honestly, it’s feeling like she is being replaced, just keep doing what you’re doing. As long as it’s a positive environment for the child, nothing is wrong with anything you are doing, it’s her own insecurities. She’ll eventually get over it…but it’s going to be a long road. This is speaking from experience.
Well I agree try to have sit down discuss this situation see if you can see from a deferent point of view… maybe she not be totoally over him and her family was supose to be not share her kid with abut her women.but at the other side the bm mom needs understand the child needs to build relationship with her dad and the wife as well, not that you could in away replace her which might fear in heart as mom… maybe their just other reasons for her to intervenor the time u have with her , but if talking don’t work then maybe return the behavior show exactly what u mean, but I not even sure if that be best
I couldn’t imagine doing that with my ex while my daughter was with him. Lol awkward. She needs to stop and if she can’t. Ur husband needs to ignore her calls,texts and emails and put her in her place. . That’s ridiculous.
He likes the drama and feeds into it.
1st reason I never date men with kids and their baby mamas.
Boundaries, tell her the amount of texts and emails are excessive and you and hubby will be busy with the 5 year old to answer them. The fact she doesn’t want you near her daughter when she is talking to her is rude enough, don’t let her be in charge. Put your foot down or it will get worse.
As a baby momma myself… FaceTime her (when she thinks it appropriate) even when the child is playing… and say “hey (little Johnny) your mom is on FaceTime and wants to talk
Let her hear him say “I’m playing “ or if he wants to talk he will run over and talk
Tell her she can talk/FaceTime twice a day with the child, but not during activities. She seems jealous of her child bonding with you guys, interrupting your time together is her way of trying to control the visitation.
She’s probably just worried. I’d be the same way
It’s not “our” time it’s HIS time with THEIR child and if he is uncomfortable with the amount of communication that BM is attempting to have with their child on his time, then HE needs to grow a pair and set boundaries. You are a third party. Let him deal with it.
its up to the dad to deal with his ex. He needs to place boundaries. He needs to have a sit down… not text not email a real face to face and let her know that his time is his time. If their child wants to talk to mommy he will call her. Other than that it is his time and they can recap the weekend if it will make her feel better when they exchange the child. Separation Anxiety is a thing and it sucks. Also dad needs to keep a journal of every time he has his kid. What you do, what time they went to bed… if anything happened… skinned knee a sniffle anything. He also needs to include the time and duration of every time mom contacts him during the child’s visit. He needs to make mom understand that he is sympathetic to how she feels because he has the same feelings when the child is not with him but, this is his bonding time with his kid. If after he communicates with her things dont change he can ask the court for a no contact order while the kid is with him.
Carry on like a regular family. What’s going on with you guys is to messed up.
Keep it simple and normal. If there’s too many texts either say so or don’t answer them.
Go back to basics. It’s that simple.
Any emails txrs calls block and delete tell her it cannot go on .
This child is 5, not 15 and spends 80% of the time with mom. While mom maybe co-dependent, the child is dependent on mom. While the dad should tell mom that they will call after an activity, the five year old child needs contact with mom even on his weekend until the child is older. While the step mom asks what the father can do, it is the father’s responsibility to talk with mom and not hers. Unfortunately that is the role of the step mom.
Tell your husband to grow some balls and tell his ex that his time with his kids should not be interrupted by her and she needs to accept that. Stop bothering you guys!
I would go to a mediator and have paperwork drawn up saying that neither parent can contact the other but through a special app that also CC’s the judge in. Of course there’s phone call to the child may be once a day at lunch or a few hours before bedtime.Any other contact with either parent besides emergency can be brought back to the judge as harassment.
You have to tell her straight!!! Simple… some (not all) women do it just to get in between your relationship… Especially as you say she isn’t over him… put your foot down and mean it…
Its not her time…allow her to call and say good night. Be done
Just do what you can to appease her without taking any time from the family you are trying to create with the child. If she wants daily communication, I would give it to her but ON YOUR TIME. Scheduled calls. Not whenever she feels like it. As a mom with anxiety I assume that’s where she’s coming from but it really just sounds like jealousy and like she wants to insure she ruins your fun. Just try to be neutral no matter what. Let your husband do all the hard communicating because In the end it’s their biological child and your involvement may just make things so much worse as unfortunate and sometimes unfair as it may seem. Im a step mom myself and I try to know my place at all times and if I don’t I do not hesitate to ask. It’s helped me create a wonderful relationship with my step sons mom and I am grateful for the role she allows me to play in her child’s life. She has made being a step parent so easy and I couldn’t be luckier to have her.
but I understand not everyone is as fortunate as me in that area.
Bump that I wouldnt answer is put her on do not disturb until it was time for you to speak to her cuz that’s ridiculous and if she has an issue then it’s on her. She’s just trying to control the situation and sounds like she still isn’t over him. But this is why I don’t date men with kids nothing again the child just don’t so baby mamma phyco drama.
I truly hope it gets worked out tho
Being married for over 25 years I have a long history on his subject my husband and his ex have 3 children she was always trying to come in between the kids and my husband she would go buy toys to give the kids and its seemed the young one wouldn’t want to come over. Or when they were picked up she would have to reach over my husband to buckle them up after they already were. .2 years after we were married in was home by myself and she came over walked right in your place I was home alone , and she started to cry saying that my husband could come back home at any time ,well , knowing we were married , she. Was here crying for about 10 mins didn’t know that my husband had walked up on her still crying heard him behind her she turned around and stopped crying on point talked to him for about 3 mins about the weekend then walked to the door and left so. , I’m going to say this as nicely as I can she not calling and texting because she’s looking in one her child she’s trying to come between the two of you , she’s not happy because he’s happy. Stop letting her in when you pick up just tell her that she will see the child at drop off unless she needs to be contacted and all face time and texts and emails are to stop and maybe you should have it also in writing. Regardless of how she has been this will make a point to her
Put your foot down. Set the boundaries and let them be known. Have your bf be very clear about where you and her stand in his life and as long as you treat that child like if he was your own then honestly brush off all the negative energy. Limit the amount of calls you will be answering from her but make it very clear that if the child ever request to call her then no one will ever deny them that request.
Get an AVO on her as she can be fined for it
Well it would be a bummer if his battery died on his phone when you have an outing and oops yours was on silent. Just because you have the technology it doesn’t give her access unless you want her to have access. Keep track of the emails & interruptions you might have to take her to court to amend the parenting plan & or the custody agreement. When the child is with you then there isn’t an emergency that requires him to answer her calls.
Set up with lawyers times she can facetime with hi. When hes with your husband. Same thing for her. Have it set up specific times he can call.
Debbie Sanchez does dat sound like somebody…
Clearly the BM has not gotten over the past with her ex and seems jealous the child has taken a liking to you . Your husband needs to put his foot down about excessive communication and set boundaries . If it’s not about her daughter then further communication is not needed . She has a right to speak to her child etc but back to back is too much and is clearly a control tactic . She needs to reelect the time their child is with you and your boyfriend . Save all communications especially where she is being unreasonable and if need be go to court and establish a solid visitation schedule where calls are also included.
Stop calling her the “BM” (baby mum) for a start she’s just the mum, I find it disrespectful when people call me baby mama, the child is partly hers so if she wants to check on her when she feels like it then let her, she might be worried you don’t know, ask her if there’s a reason why she wants to contact so much at the end of the day she gave birth to that child she might have separation anxiety. Don’t “tell her straight” you have no right to tell her what to do, maybe the dad can but someone who’s only known the child 5 years and has only just become a part of their life carnt really have a say
stop face timing .if its his time with the child its just that, she has no business facetiming on his time.Either that of let him stay at home .
Don’t reply to her until she grows up.
Have dad talk to her (bc as the step parent its not ur place to tell her how often she should or shouldnt be wanting contact with her kid or wanting to know abt her kid) and tell her its getting excessive and she needs to calm down. If shes willing to listen have them set up specific times each day for her to facetime and maybe agree to send a few pics or videos throughout the day so she can see her
If shes not willingly to listen take it to a mediator or court and get it figured out there
(Side note: I have no kids, just Nephews and nieces)
But I think time scheduling phone calls (??) make like (Morning calls/before bed calls) (Before dinner calls to just talk about their day(s). You just have to keep time available, I can see how it is tricky:/ but I do hope all goes well!
Set boundaries, you seem like a fair person. If she brings up old things between her and your husband then it’s clearly feelings still involved so it’s not about the child just that she wants to fight to have some sort of communication with him still. Just my opinion.
Let her know your boundaries. Set up a bed time call each day where she can talk to the child. Everything else should be left to text or email. And let them know that your going to be doing family things from this time to that time and your phone will be on silent so as not to disturb your family time with the child.
She needs to grow up. Speak to the child once a day. It’s the fathers time. Don’t care about your issues.
As a step mom and a mother, boundaries are a must or it will cause issues with relationships. Make a designated time a day in which she can call and create a quiet spot for contact. Obviously keep it to FaceTime or on speaker so father can hear what is being said. Limit contact to only about child and only reply once a day u less emergency make these rules clear. Do not discuss anything but things about child if she brings up other stuff just ignore it. The FaceTime should be just the child in the picture. If this does not work then court order to limit contact to once a day during schedule time. Courts are usually very supportive of this because visits are supposed to be uninterrupted times
Pray she moves on soon…
It’s pure manipulation. Tune child didn’t even want to talk. If the child wants to talk to BM great. If not once a day before bed. She is using the child a vessel to talk to the Dad. She has him 80% of the time and should not have any control over your 20% of the time.
If it were healthy concerns of a mom, she would not be doing what she is doing.
I know judges where i live look down on that completely it manipulate on her part and its impeading parenting time
Some women take their time growing up…
I feel the husband should put it in writing stamp n seal the letter with boundaries, and procedures while he has the child.
No he isn’t squeezing mom out the picture but he can’t interact with mom like they are a family.
Mom seem to be having a hard time being an outsider looking in when the child is with him n his new wife.
Do the same with her, let her know how annoying it is. Get in it court agreement or something
Sounds to me like she is just jealous. Tell her to grow up. Lol. I know how you feel though because my ex husband used to do the same thing when I had the kids with me and my fiancé
Is contact under a court order? What’s she is doing is harassment past is past & she needs to move on as you say child is 5 you been around child 3years already. So your a stable secure part in child’s life. In regards to the child your husband does not technically have to reply to emails & texts unless it’s about the child & needs to reinforce that she can only facetime to say good morning & goodnight when the child is having quality time with you both. No child if having fun wants to stop playing so set those boundaries & you know the childs happy so try not to let her manipulate the situation. The more your husband tolerates it the more she will do it. He has to be firm & set limits with her.
From being the mum.i didn’t call my ex at all when he had my son until bedtime and even then often he would ignore my calls, but I trusted that he was his parent and would keep him safe, let her know she may call in the morning and facetime b4 bed, i think thats more than enough she should not be a part of his time with the child and may the child looks miserable as she is interrupting the fun stuff he should lst her know he won’t be answering the phone if you are out or doing things together x
As a mother I will have access to my children wherever they are dad or not however I wouldn’t care if his wife was around during calls as long as I can check on my child the other stuff doesn’t bother me
The child’s mother has no business interfering with the father’s visitation call a lawyer and get a agreement drawn up to put a stop to all the bullshit
If a man was doing it I’m sure a lot of you would be going mad. Because it’s a women people are being so nice about it. About how they understand the women and dont blame her etc. shes a control freak. End of. You should of both set your boundaries straight away. But you weren’t to know she would be this bad. So start setting them now.
Sounds like she wants to be in control and can’t stand the fact that the child’s father moved on.
Jealously!!! If there’s not a court order already in place get one now. It will save y’all from dealing with this.
Your husband needs to communicate with her and set boundaries especially since it’s dads time to bond with his child and not always have mom in the mix … he needs one on one with him too …so mom is invading dads space… I think some rules need to be established so that it doesn’t get too far and cause problems later down the road
I would contact a mediator. Have set boundaries set with a judge that forces mom to oblige by. I had the same issue with my ex husband in terms of inappropriate comments about our marriage when we would be talking about our boys. I don’t acknowledge them and keep it specifically about the kids. I told my ex husband that when he calls the kids and we are available and free to talk I will always answer and if we are in the middle of a fun day or homework or mealtime I will have the boys call when we are done. That way I am acknowledging that he called and he can’t come back and say I don’t allow them to talk. As far as her not wanting you around when she is facetimimg, then hubby needs to let her know that you are the child’s step parent and she needs to respect that. My ex pulled that card and even came to my house to let my sons step dad know that he wasn’t the boys dad, set rules for how my now husband can be with the boys, that he couldn’t discipline them ect. My now husband has been in the kids life for 5 years. I calmly explained to him that this was my home, my husband is their stepfather and that what he was expecting will not happen. Hang in there, dealing with ex’s is never easy. and kudos to you for being respectful to mom, there are lots of step parents who don’t.
We had a great relationship with my partners ex until we had a child of our own together then she went the way your partners ex is we took it to court and now don’t have communication at all with her as when it’s her time she never allowed anything so it was granted the same for us when it’s our time x
Buy the child a cheap phone so that BM can contact the child directly and not go through the ex partner.
I have a ten year old. His dad and I have been co parenting since he was born basically. So over the years I’ve learned a lot. We have never let our significant others interfere with our parenting there’s honestly nothing you can do about it. It’s really none of your business. If she wants to call to talk to her child she can. And if she has a problem with something,
that is between her and the child’s father. End of story!
Oh and my son has his own phone so he can communicate with both of us when ever he wants. We leave it up to our son to decide when he can and cannot talk. It gives him some independence and prevents problems like your having. Sounds like you are headed in the right path but you seem more jealous than the mother honestly…
My ex and I never argue and our co parenting is excellent. You just have to find some balance. You can’t let stuff like that get to you.
We wouldnt have a phone
You have to be patient and understanding with her. She has her child most of that and her child is so young that being away from him is hard. She is just being over protective and feels the need to checkup on him.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husbands ex will not leave us alone when his child is with us: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
If he can’t get her to chill he may not want to…he may not be over her either
Set boundaries and stick to them. Let her know what times she can contact her child and dont answer to any other calls.
I think you are doing a fantastic job so far in co parenting. A lot of people would not care as much as you do. Well done
I need more info…why did they break up? Who cheated? Get to the root of the issue and not just the surface.
YOU can’t tell her anything. The father of the children should address the matter. There is nothing good that will come from you getting involved. Stay the f out of it.
Same thing here its an attention thing! We have been married 6 years, since he was one years old and is now 7, I just gets worse unless you set boundaries now!
We took the kid ! Maybe that’s why she calls !
Your husband is going to have to handle this. But he needs to set some boundaries. Shes taking his time with the child away from him, maybe subconsciously…maybe purposely. But it needs to be addressed. If it were me Id have the child call mom in the morning or in the evening before bedtime and that would be it.
Its between them and alot of times even though you have good intentions you will make it worse.
The x needs to get a life and be grateful that her son has a very patient and loving stepmom
Your husband needs to man up and call her out for her b.s…
Please take alot of these comments lightly, some of them are unhealthy as f.
Ignore texts emails phone calls it’s your time tell her to grow up
Maybe have a sit down/face to face conversation about it with her. Hear her out so that you all can get on some more even ground. Hugs.
We set a 1 time call a day when she was that age with the assurance that we would allow the child to call her mom anytime she wanted to.
So we took this issue to court and the judge told mom if she kept calling during dad’s time, she would loose her time. We did not want that so we then offered her a 1 time daily call before bed each night and in turn dad got a call to the kids during her time. It actually worked out eventually.
I had wanted him to return the favor and call the kids and micro manage her but that was my frustration and honestly would have made it worse.
He needs to ignore the dumb question texts n emails just send pictures once in awhile when he’s with y’all !! She’s very overbearing very controlling n selfish demanding all the phone time texts n FaceTime? No thx it’s his time with daddy n you QUIT Boeing down to her demands n childish games n behavior;”(
He needs to set strong boundaries
Honestly if it’s your time with the child leave it at that
Maybe he needs to go to court and have an order that gives specific times and specific days of the week that when the child is with dad to facetime and maybe even ask for the order to include a messaging board that is specifically for this. I use Our Family Wizard. Its $100 a year. You can impute doc appointments, its like emailing. It stays in the messaging system so it’s easily printable. There’s also a free one that is Talking Parents.
Why did “the child” irk me… lol you mean your step daughter/ step son?? Idk… I get the healthy boundaries thing 100% but open communication is key and maybe the 3 of you need to sit down and talk?? I dont think its the step parents place (especially being new to the situation) to handle it. Its deff a matter between the parents of the child. Keep it about the kiddo. And dont get involved beyond expressing to your husband how it makes you feel.
Your husband has to put a stop to it. And are you guys married married or your saying he your husband. Because if you’re not married girl run. If you are married to your husband you must set boundaries and make sure that you and your husband are on the same page and do it together I do not make the VM feel like she is getting attacked.
You also need to set rules and boundaries. It’s your right. Tell your husband to Give her strict schedule where she can call or video call the kid. If she wants to call two or 3 times a day, it’s fine I guess, as long as she didn’t interrupt your “family bonding”. You have the right to voice out what’s on your mind.
You are attempting to co parent and seem to be of the mind that it is about the kiddo or should be. I have no other advice accept to keep on what you been doing and know that you are doing your best.
You are married to him not her. You and your husband’s quality time with the child is priceless. Child should call the mom in the morning and before bed. She has no right being controlling and manipulatetive when it is your time with the child.
My advice: YOU’RE DOING GREAT! Keep it up!!! It’ll get easier as baby get older and mom gets used to it and starts to trust more. And gets over dad. I commend you for being a great step mommy and being respectful of mom and baby! Kudos to you!!!
Seems like a classic boundary issue.
What you allow, you reinforce.
If you keep accomodating all her demands, there will be heaps more to accomodate.
Set fair boundaries as to what’s acceptable behavior when child is with either parent and stick to them without guilt or apology.
When you do things you don’t want to do, even after telling her it’s not okay. You are basically teaching her that it’s not okay but since u asked or insisted or became aggressive about it, I’ll allow it.
Guess what she is learning!?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent wanting to talk to their child daily and tell them they love them ect. That’s healthy for the child. It’s healthy for any kid to know their mom or dad are thinking about them and miss them when they are apart, in any circumstance. You have do what’s best and healthiest (mentally and physically) for the child. Every time. Regardless of how 'irritating ’ it is to you. Mabey Dad should face time the child daily when he or she is back home with the mother. How loved and valued would that child feel?
Set clear boundaries as in FaceTime before bed and only emergency communication at other times if not transition days, it sucks Being the step mum it’s a hard job ignore anything negative directed to you and just smile and be friendly it’s about the kids first most and enjoy your time with them. I’m on my 6th year of step muming and have come along way from the negativity that was constantly directed at me. It will take time before the BM will feel comfortable with the new situation (it’s taken us 5 yrs before she stopped making trouble and finally excepted me as part of her kids family)
“The kids” and “the child” is a highly inappropriate way to address your step son or daughter. This comes off poorly on your part and I can’t help but wonder if you speak like this to your husband about his child and something has been heard or said.
There is not enough context here to give advice that would be beneficial. There is no context to the past. What happened in their relationship prior to you to being married? Was there abuse? Infidelity? Did you guys relationship start while he was with the biological mother? Was he a good father before you?
Most importantly how much shit talking have you done about thus woman? You give a very distinct impression of disdain.
- While it is your place to become part of a family unit it’s not your place to tell anyone anything. That’s the father’s place