I need advice from you ladies please. My boyfriend and I have been not doing good for close to a year now, we disagree for everything and lash out on each other a lot, not just him and not just me. Some things I know I have a right to be mad about, but there is things where he tells me I’m crazy or dramatic. He tells me for anything I get mad about I’m crazy, but sometimes I just don’t know if I am being a little dramatic or if I have a right. Today he shows me a video of a girl where in one screen she kisses her boyfriend when he comes home and another where she just smiles, and it goes on to show their interactions based on how she acts when he gets home. The video would have been fine but he made comments like “see you got mad about that the other day and she’s not mad at him when he did it”, and making small digs at me. He said I shouldn’t have gotten upset, am I being dramatic? Please be honest. I know this is such a stupid thing but there is other instances where I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or not. I didn’t lose it on him or scream, I just told him that it was messed up and disrespectful.
He could just be trying to communicate his needs. You guys are fighting because needs aren’t being met and you’re not speaking each other’s love language.
Be mad, whatever, but you also have to be willing to admit that you’re falling short just like he is.
So you have every right to feel however you feel. If he is telling you different you need to leave him.
If neither of you are validated and concerned for each others feelings or needs there will always be strife. We will always live on the defense if we don’t feel heard or appreciated.
But- what I am learning is to pick and choose my battles better, I am in no way good at this but I am trying. I am also working on recognizing when I get upset, what is the root issue and how can I work through it for myself.
It does not take into account how you feel, it compares you with other people, it makes you feel that you are crazy or that you are being dramatic even when you have a reason for it, that is aggression, it is abuse, violence is not just beatings, learn to value yourself, strengthen your self-esteem and don’t insist on staying in a relationship where you are treated worse than the bathroom rug.
It sounds like you guys aren’t happy together. He wants you to be happy when he comes home but maybe he isn’t doing his part for you to be happy. Maybe you guys aren’t the right fit for each other.
I mean… he could be trying to communicate his needs to you, but at the same time maybe he doesn’t realize that those behaviors are also a natural reaction (usually) when the other half of the relationship is happy too. I genuinely believe in happy spouse happy house but in order to get there, both parties need to be able to communicate honestly with each other, and take accountability for their own actions and behaviors too. Hopefully that helps a little, good luck!
There is nothing stupid about feeling a put down that was intended. It just means that you are smart and perceptive. Don’t let anyone guilt or trick you into doing something for them when you know that your action will not at any time be reciprocated. That is just showing that they do not respect, love and cherish you the way that they should.
It sounds to me like he’s trying to communicate to you what he feels he needs. He’s showing you where his needs aren’t being met.
He shouldn’t be calling you names like dramatic, but he’s trying to share with you his feelings.
As long as he’s trying, he hasn’t given up hope…
So why not try a counselor once a week? They can mediate disagreements and give you homework and ways to resolve conflicts. They offer a safe space to share feelings.
It might be just what you need.
You sound kinda defensive. You also sound like you recognize that you might be the problem too.
Honestly, I think he was trying to let you know what he needs. He seems to want more affection but not really going about it the right way. He should approach you in a better way, that’s for sure.
He shouldn’t compare you or your actions to anyone else.he either loves you for you or bye Mr.
My husband says that when his day is pure helllll at work, the only thing that can put the stress and sadness aside is me waiting for him at the driveway with our son. Sometimes our son writes him a letter about his day and how he missed dad during the day. My husband’s eyes ignite pure light when he sees us. I love him so deeply, we are together for almost 16 years. And I’m telling you… Love and marriage only walk together forever if both husband and wife are willing to LEARN, GROW, EVOLVE.
Run. Hes not gonna be happy until he finds a woman who worships his ego as much as he does and even then he will find reasons to pick her apart. He isnt happy with himself and it dont have anything do with you. You already know what to do or you wouldnt be exerting you right to be mad. Love yourself baby.
Well…something so simple as giving him a kiss at the door should be easy enough to do right? If he says he’s trying to show you how he feels and what he’s missing then start there. If you both wait for the other to react…you get nowhere. If you start and reach out and keep trying only to continue to get nothing…then you have your answer on where you two stand as a couple.
I think he’s trying to communicate a need but doing it in a way that is making you feel inadequate, or triggering you for some reason.
Relationship are seldom 50-50… if you expect that your dreaming. Some days it 90-10…… you need to pick your battles. If you aren’t happy move on. You should not want to change the person you love. They should not want to change you. You should love each other as you are.
It sounds like neither of you are ready for a serious relationship
Tell him to grow up… It’s not the 50s anymore…
You have every right to how you feel. Rather than him showing you a video why can’t he just tell you what he would like more of from you. Your not over reacting. Ask him are you doing all this because you are seeing someone else? See what he tells you.
It’s hard to say without knowing the context of what she didn’t get mad about on the video… like did you get mad that he kissed you when he came home, or does he want you to and you don’t and you get mad because he is upset over it? I just need to know more.
So, with the limited info… do you think it is constructive criticism? Have you taken time to learn his love language?How well do y’all really know each other and pay attention to each other’s needs? Are there things you want him to do? How do you communicate that to him? Have y’all talked about expectations? There is so much to unpack here…
That is gaslighting, and emotional abuse. Either get counselling together or leave especially if it’s been like this for over a year
So first you say husband the boyfriend which is it?
Find a new man. There are plenty out there that don’t do this weird shit.
Is he helping you to learn something… in a positive way?
Maybe he’s trying to show you what he needs from you emotionally and physically and just went about it the wrong way
he may have trouble communicating, yall may want to have someone help you communicate, like at church, if you go, or a counselor. but sometimes things just don’t work. if you can get to the root of the issue & work from there but a year is a long time to be fighting, it’s exhausting. but you also have the right to your emotions, there’s just not enough info for solid advice. like what are you mad at? what does he call dramatic? what is he mad at?
What did you get mad about? Your post inst clear…. Not enough info
For the people saying it’s abuse or its gaslighting need to realize that some people both male and female my not exactly now how to express their feeling with word. Some people use other means so show their partner what is going on or how they feel. When my wife and I were having a hard time she actually used music to express to me how she is was feeling towards me. So as many people have said him using that video may very well be him expressing his feeling and trying to communicate what is looking for in the relationship
Show him videos of a man catering to his woman tell him the same thing. Lol I’d probably tell him to be with her then!
Time to leave this relationship. It will not get better.
Tell him to go be with her and get a guy you don’t have to second guess or question yourself about.
OK so I saw a similar video where it shows a split of the couple both buried in their phones & the other where she greets him with a kiss, then they talk on the couch holding each then I think eating together all while engaging with each other. It’s probably the same video. I actually shared it with my husband & he said we have to do better. We we actually spend a lot of engaging time together in addition to our 3 children. We both recognize we could be less in our devices though. Your bf’s extra comments were probably the problem as you said but clearly there’s a much larger one with you two if normal communication is met with arguments etc.
I’d have to tell him to go find someone who does that then.
Honestly, ya’ll don’t sound compatible. I think it’s time to separate and go your own ways. You shouldn’t be told you’re crazy and continually wondering if you’re wrong or dramatic. He’s doing things that you’re not okay with, plain and simple.
Sit down and think about whether this relationship truly has a future. An entire YEAR of ‘not okay’?
This is just my opinion, but to me, both of y’all have feelings and emotions that are stemming obviously from a deeper issue that neither of you have attempted to talk with each other about. ￼I suggest either y’all do a get-away for a weekend for an intimate weekend to sit down and actually communicate or try couples therapy.
Your feelings are valid and shouldn’t need to be confirmed by strangers on the internet. If it bothered you, then that’s okay & requires an honest open conversation with your partner. If he can’t and won’t accept your feelings then maybe he isn’t the right person for you.
Maybe it would make a HUGE difference if you greeted him at the door with a kiss when he gets home. I think he’s asking for love an attention and that will possibly change the way other things are going as well.
I don’t think it’s stupid to ask… The general thing makes me want to slap you both. It’s obvious you are lacking in communication. He wants you to be happy when he comes through the door and you are feeling overwhelmed and tired… None of this is wrong it’s that you need to communicate
I Don’t even understand this post…
Run. Get away from that emotional abuse crap!! If you two have that many issues and he’s telling you how you can and can’t or should and shouldn’t act… get out of the relationship now before it gets worse.
There is not enough info to even tell you an opinion.
I’m confused, is it your husband or boyfriend??.. My boyfriend and I have been been together for almost 16 years…he is my “Boyfriend,” Not my Husband…was just wondering why you referenced him as your boyfriend and husband??.. Honest question…
If you are happy STAY. If you are unhappy LEAVE.
I disagree with these comments because how hard is it to say, “Babe can you kiss me when I come home?” Did he really need to find multiple videos of other women?
I’ve had this issue with my husband and I talked to him about it. I don’t go on TikTok, find videos of random men and send them to him. I had a conversation. He did it. Problem solved and no one’s feelings were hurt.
So, he wants you to be happy to see him when he gets home and you are mad at him for it? Maybe he thought since telling you hasn’t worked Maybe showing you would explain it better.
I’m not sure there is enough info here to give advice. Maybe he used the videos to show you what he needs. Not everyone is good at expressing their feelings. Since you both seem to be a bit reactive, maybe it is a good idea to give each other some space when things get heated and try to talk about it when emotions have gone down again.
Idk, showing someone a video and saying they want you to act like that person is kinda disrespectful and gross. I think y’all should def have open communication, where you both discuss what you want in the relationship, what you need, etc without making those digs and without getting upset. If that’s what he’s trying to do he’s doing it very wrong and needs to realize that this isn’t just about him and making comments like, see i told you that you were overreacting, etc is going to be extremely counterproductive.
Omg some of y’all judging with our all the info… what if she went off cause he worked OT and all he wanted was a kiss for working hard…. That’s not gas lighting that’s a man being a man
Your feelings are valid and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. If he’s unwilling to even try then he’s not for you and you deserve better
Most Men are really bad at communicating with women and he doesn’t know how to tell you what he wants you both need to sit down and talk to each other about what you want from the other person and how to best navigate life together. Men are logical thinkers and women are emotional thinkers ( mostly not all )
Everyone has their own personality and feelings and are entitled to respond to others how they want. It’s up to us to decide if we like these and want this personality in our lives.
There are PLENTY of fish in the sea.
Don’t settle for a relationship with someone that your personality doesn’t align with.
He’s trying to change you to be someone he feels his personality aligns with. This is unhealthy for both of you and a clear indication that you both should end the relationship and free yourself for opportunity for new relationships to find a mate you are more compatible with.
If you try to pretend to be someone you aren’t for a relationship that will create negative feelings (resentment) in your mind towards him and the relationship and eventually destroy the relationship anyway.
Telling you that you’re crazy to deflect your emotions and shut you down is mental/emotional manipulation/abuse. That’s very unhealthy
u got mad about kissing ur bf when he came home? i kiss my husband everyday when he comes home… y even be together if ur gonna get mad for ur bf wanting kissed
You might tell him that’s a video that’s edited, they are actors they’re performing for likes that’s not real life
If you ain’t happy after a year why you still there…you haven’t been happy for a year…why would you live like that…
HE IS GASLIGHTING YOU! Never take that from a man! Say bye bye!!! You will be happier, I promise!
Yeah you’re crazy. Is your husband it your boyfriend? Two different things.
If he has videos of other women acting a certain way I guess he can go find one that does that. Maybe the guy getting smiles and stuff is a better partner . The whole thing sounds weird and deceitful.
Tell him to go marry her then… it’s a losing battle on your end… been there dine that it don’t work
Well good for her that some things don’t bother her lol.
If something bothers YOU, I don’t care if you’re the only one in the world it bothers, it’s valid because they are YOUR feelings.
I’m sure that girl has things that she’s bothered by, that you aren’t.
That’s so immature and weird for him to compare you to some girl on a show or whatever he showed you. Tell him to go be with her then, like shit.
You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s belittling your feelings. He wants you to question yourself. That way he can do anything. I put up with that so long I lost who I am & feel like I don’t have right to feel anyway about anything. The fact you needed to ask strangers if you have the right to feel the way you do shows his gaslighting is working well. Don’t be stupid like I was. Recognize this as abuse, LEAVE & get counseling.
There is not enough info here. We needed certain instances where you got mad. Because honestly sometimes as women we are bat shit crazy and cause unnecessary arguments. But same time men can be narcissistic and gas lighting actual issues that are real. Need to know more….
Took them from people who bought them many years ago one family had 720 acres and years ago cape cod took it by eminent domain. F that!
What a passive aggressive gaslighting d bag. Holy crap woman, run if that’s how he “communicates” because it’s not really for both of you. That’s a him trying to get what he wants out of a woman without actually treating you like a human being. He wants a robot wife (or as all the little insecure men say “submissive”) and not an actual human being with her own thoughts and feelings. Dramatic? Because you stood up for yourself? Yeah OK, be dramatic at that point. He wants someone who doesn’t get mad (on a video no less, fucking acting) when he does something disrespectful to you, tell him to get a dog.
#1 if you guys are jumping on each other about little issues like this and it’s a consistent thing than you guys either need the weigh the pros and cons (none of which involve your shared children) of the relationship check yourselves and see if yall are really happy together and choose to mend or break. If the relationship is over, it isn’t a failure, you’re just not compatible.
Because that guy probably does his part in the connection and doesnt call her crazy every time she has an issue
Women act like that when theyre well cared for emotionally and mentally
If hes giving you reason to question actions and disconnect emotionally then maybe he should evaluate how he acts to you first and foremost
That’s his way of telling you what he needs from you. If you truly loved him you would take into consideration that he would feel more loved if you were to do the same
He’s your boyfriend not your Husband. Leave him.
I have done Thai after an argument about something. Sometimes showing an example of what you were trying— and seemingly failing— to explain. If you’re quick to react to things that he sees as normal or a non-issue… it would make sense that he would want to show you examples of similar situations where the reaction he seems appropriate is displayed. You can choose to be annoyed or upset— or you can choose to take it as constructive criticism and calmly try to see what the point he’s trying to prove is. Communication is key. This could be a way for him to try and SHOW you what he has failed at TELLING you. If you don’t appreciate this approach (you feel like being compared to someone else without context is disrespectful) then you need to RESPECTFULLY explain to him or perhaps search for a video of your own that could SHOW him that not everyone reacts the same or has the same triggers. What one might find funny— another finds disrespect. it really does seem that you guys could benefit from some sort of counseling to help you articulate your feelings or expectations
Well, do you greet him when he gets home? Immediately jump his shit or unload your bad day on him? See nothing wrong with him showing you what he’d like to see soon as he walks in the door.
The other stuff sounds like typical bad relationship bs but maybe a few changes on YOUR part will make him also change and y’all can start communicating better.
Personally sounds like you guys need to break up. Could be he doesn’t know how to communicate or he could just be a narcissist trying to twist it to make you sound and be crazy??? However it is disrespectful to compare you to others and vs.
Tbh it sounds like y’all aren’t compatible and this is giving toxic vibes from you both. I think it’s best to part ways
The right man will never EVER make you feel like that end of story
Couples counseling, there’s not enough information to draw a conclusion.
I’d be pulling out some wacky porno and do the same.
But not seriously…he’s doing what we ask of men. He is bluntly telling you what he needs. GOOD FOR HIM!
Throw that one back in the sea ma’am!
if you’re uncomfortable maybe it’s time to get a new boyfriend
Sounds like he wants more loving styrene from you
He’s looking for attention a smile a kiss whatever it may be . You are being dramatic.
IF that was what he wanted…he should have kept THAT> I’d tell him where to go. He sounds like looser anyway
If his coming home doesn’t make you happy them maybe it’s time to move on. Yes men like coming home to a smiling face so they know they are wanted but if you dread his coming home then this something that needs to be addressed. It’s best to figure out our now than waste more time with both of you being in the wrong relationship.
A husband should NEVER compare you to any other woman. He needs to learn to sit down with you and discuss emotional and physical needs like a grown man. I’d politely tell him how that made you feel and just simply say why don’t we discuss this the next time we are alone together. Men I swear sometimes act or say things before actually thinking. Just guide him♡
He’s showing you what he wants if u don’t like it tell him you’re not the person for him or the women in that video
Sounds like hes just trying to tell you what he needs. Wake up before you loose him
If you’re on here asking strangers, You got problems at home. Run don’t walk.
I’ll be honest… There’s not really enough information here.
There’s a video I saw a while back…
It was talking about kids and how smiling and greeting them and being happy they’re home can ‘set’ the entire afternoon in a positive way.
This sounds like it may be similar.
While your husband is an adult he’s still human. As an adult myself…I know It means a lot to me that my husband acts like he’s happy to see me when I come home.
If he acted annoyed, irritated, or even angry with me as soon as I walked through the door then I’d stop wanting to come home… eventually I’d start shutting down and shutting him out.
To me… It sounds like your husband is trying to communicate his needs with you. It also sounds like he’s trying different methods because he doesn’t really feel as though he’s being heard.
Especially if you’re getting angry and triggered every time he tries.
I think at this point counseling would help a lot… Because it sounds to me that you’re struggling to communicate with each other effectively.
The video he showed you is about a completely different couple. Their problems are not yours. He sounds like an ass to make you uncertain about if you’re being dramatic or not.
Tell him to Go get her hes not worth a dime
Honey, get yourself a grown man instead of a child pretend man that watches cartoons.