I have a TOXIC mother in law. She plays the part SO well. My husband says it’s on both sides of our family. I don’t see it. (I’m trying to). We live 5 hours from my family and 45 minutes from his. We never go to my family’s unless it’s a holiday/event. His family comes over unannounced and whenever they feel like it. Last night we had a family night planned, going to eat and run some errands together and they called at 3 to let us know they were coming over and bringing pizza for dinner. Even though they KNEW we had plans. So what do we do, we stay because it’s our house? I didn’t say just last night, wasn’t rude just kept quiet. She sends a text asking if I’m okay this morning and then texts my husband asking what my problem is?! She always makes me out to be the bad guy to everyone and I’m fed up. My husband never defends me and we just argue and argue.
You don’t just have an in law problem you have a husband problem. If you have plans continue to do them. If they plan on showing up you say no and we already have plans. If they still show up change the plan and leave. Go anywhere. If he doesn’t support his actual family he made then you either get into therapy or plan to divorce . This situation isn’t tenable for you and the kids.
She doesn’t sound toxic. It honestly sounds like you’re sad that you only see your family a few times a year and his family gets to come over all the time. Which is understandable. But that’s no reason to say mil is toxic. Just bc you think they knew you had plans, doesn’t mean that maybe they forgot. You could have reminded them like “oh that would be great to come over but we already have plans and won’t be home! Let’s rain check!” If you don’t say anything, they’ll think what they’re doing is fine
When they called why didn’t you just tell them you won’t be home as you already have plans? Have you told them you want notice before they stop by? My sister and I stop by each others houses with no notice all the time. If I show up and she’s got plans, she’ll say so and Vice versa. It seems to me like you have a communication problem, not necessarily a toxic mil problem.
She didn’t come over unannounced. She called you at 3 and said she was bringing pizza. If it was that big of a deal you could have said sorry Ma we won’t be home but instead you cry about it to everyone but her. Family also should be able to drop in and if you have plans you speak up.
All you have to say is that you have plans and are going out maybe one day next week. I’ll let you know.
To whatever extent your inlaws are toxic you first should remember that your husband was raised under their psychology, you cant change their behavior unless you can convey to him that you consider his acceptance of their behavior to be dysfunctional, good luck with that as you should have confronted that issue before committing to marriage and children with him
That is not toxic behavior to me. She cared enough to try to find out what was wrong. It is your fault for not saying anything at 3 when she called. She can’t read your mind. Next time speak up if you already have plans. If you don’t…then don’t complain about it later.
I assume she wanted to spend time with her son on Mother’s Day and your husband probably didn’t do much to “show” his appreciation to his own mother…
That being said, when your husband told you of MIL’s plans, I would have reminded him that you had X,Y, and Z plans and you’d rather spend time with the in-laws another day… work together on the communication. I know it’s a struggle but you both have to be on a similar, respectful page to make it a beneficial relationship for all. Hang in there!
You need to sit down & talk with your husband. Set ground rules for extended family. That immediate family (you, hubby the kids) come first. if you have plans it needs to be discussed before they are broken for extended family. Unless it’s an emergency of course. Honestly if your husband isn’t willing to compromise I don’t know how well your marriage is going to last if you want to be happy.
We have family night, family movie night & family game night. Before my mom passed away we were at my parents for extended family dinner every Sunday. These are contingent to work schedules & kids schedules.
Never going to work if husband sides with his family instead of you.
You need to speak to her. Tell her how you feel. Maybe she doesn’t realize what she is doing. I use to be all for hating on the toxic MIL. I had one and guess what, we cut her out for a year and I wish we could take it back. That year we could of spent with her. We were just starting to mend the relationship and she suddenly passed. Believe me when I tell you that you do not want that guilt! It will shatter you. So please talk to her.
First mistake you didn’t say sorry we are going out. Second thing is that something they do to all family and friends? You should check with others. Some family has an open door policy we do but call first. Third your husband should not have to speak on your behalf your a big girl stand up and be accountable. The only problem i see is you not communicating to all family on calling first and checking to see if it’s okay.
Your husband needs to be talking to his mother also when she calls just tell her you’ve made other plans then the husband needs to support you and stand with you when your MIL starts an argument etc
Next time it happens go out on your own run your errands have food on your own with no one bothering you then watch him moan you left him to deal with them. They can’t moan if you already had plans and stuck to them and can’t say you have a problem if you’re not around
Sounds like you resent them since they come over often and you don’t get to see your family. You should have simply said when they called, sorry we already made plans. You may not have said anything while they were their but your actions let her know she wasn’t welcomed if she asked you and your husband what was wrong after. She doesn’t sound toxic to me.
You need to put your foot down. I had a FIL who had nothing to do with me or my kids until his son & I split. Then he was over all the time. Had my kids father move my recliner to the playroom so he could stay in there with the kids. Sometimes he fell asleep he’d come over especially if he knew I had plans. I had to tell him straight out if you come by unannounced again you won’t be welcomed inside. He sat outside for 3 hours (so my ex said). We snuck out the back & left him there. Never saw him again.
Idk if he has to stick up for you…he needs to communicate. Politely say…sorry, we have plans already, but maybe another time.
Nope. Grow a pair, or be walked on and mad. You know what needs to be said. Say it.
Should have left them home watching kids with pizza while you and honey went on a date
…or leave him there too. Go call a friend
Start going over there. But message her right before u pull up lmao.
Your husband needs to stand up with you/ for you
It is as simple as saying that you already have plans. Today is not a good day
Leave when they show up and be like y’all already knew we had plans. And we are sticking to them. Kids and hunny get it the car.
Omg it’s real life Everybody Loves Raymond
Yesterday was mothers day too so maybe he wanted to see his mom
Showing up unannounced is a no go. Even my parents don’t do that. It wouldn’t bother me because we have a really good relationship and it would not be all the time. Your husband sounds like a vag honestly. ￼ there’s really no other way to say it. But how you communicate this all to him plays a huge part. ￼
Doesn’t sound toxic to me. She asked what was wrong, assuming you didn’t answer, she asked her son. Thats not him being a mommas boy, thats her trying to figure out what was wrong because no one said not to come over and you decided to be quiet instead of speaking up.
Your husband needs to stand up for you! I have a very toxic mother in law who lives across the street from me and we have had to set very strict boundaries. Once you establish those boundaries life will be soo much easier but you also need your husband on board as well. Best of luck Momma!
Communicate! Instead of asking random strangers on FB…sit down with your family and tell them.
Time to get rid of him. A mamas boy is the worst
Sounds like you have a husband problrm
You have no idea what “toxic” truly means when it comes to people. This isn’t toxic behavior, this is miscommunication on everyone’s part. You should have told her you had plans already instead of waiting for them to show up and then getting mad about it and continuing to stew over it.
Toxic family members don’t call ahead and show up with pizza wanting to spend time with you. Toxic family member speak ill of you to your children, other family members and anyone else that will listen. They work hard to drive wedges between you and the people you love. They act out in revenge and spite. Toxic family members hold grudges and use your past to shame you. They are mentally, physically and verbally abusive.
You have a husband issue. He should be the one to defend after all he picked you!
Doesn’t sound that toxic, lol. She literally came over unannounced, yes. Well, she announced, but you know what I mean. Just have your husband tell her no more coming over unless it’s planned a few days prior. It shouldn’t be that hard. At least she’s not calling your child autistic whenever they’re not autistic, lmao, diagnosing everyone without being a doctor, and super insane.
You have to set boudaries for them showing up unannounced. You need to put a stop to it.
Jessica Naitsirhc they weren’t unannounced though.
Understand what your saying. But at 3 when they called did you tell them. NOT TONIGHT you wasnt going to be home?
I had a toxic mother in law. My ex was a big time mommas boy. He 2 boys and I had 2 boys when we got married, about 6 mos after we was married we thought I might be pregnant, oh my Lord you would thought the world was coming to a end. Thank God I wasn’t.
She bought a lot of stuff for his 2 son which was fine they are her grandsons, but not my 2 boys she would always give it to them in front of my boys 3&7 years old.
So i ask him to tell his mom to please don’t give it to them in front of my kids. And he did, but I happen to go over to her house and coming through the door I heard her words. They are not my grandson’s and never will be. I step through the and politely told her she was right they weren’t her grandchildren, but I was not going to put up with her treating my kids like that They where small and didn’t understand. My husband knew i had 2 kids when we got married so it was a package deal. Didn’t have a problem with her buying for her 2 grandson. But she wasn’t going to make my boys feel unwanted.
I do have to say my ex was very good with my kids. That I was thankful for.
Ugh… I feel for you… My in-laws were the same way(I say were because he is now my ex) they always showed up unannounced and ruined plans… hey, at least yours called right before, mine would just show up with their dogs and all and then would stay the night, we had to feed them too of course, they didn’t bring food lol. I didn’t mind them coming for visits every now and then, but to show up unannounced constantly, it can really weigh on you. They showed up once when we were literally getting in the car to leave to go to something with the kids and we ended up staying. Only one time did he ever tell them no you can’t stay tonight as we had a movie night at home planned together. (We were married 10 years, so one time is nothing lol) there were times I was looking forward to the weekend and doing absolutely nothing and they would show up and stay the weekend, that left me cooking dinner and breakfasts for everyone while everyone else sat around watching TV. They would also come invited on holidays where I was happy to host and cook, they(parents and his siblings and his sister’s kids) would come long enough to just eat and then leave so I definitely know where you are coming from and it won’t change until he puts his foot down, I got so tired of arguing with him over it. There were times I didn’t mind them coming over, but it was absolutely constantly and always unannounced.
It’s not there fault your family lives far away motherin law cares enough bout what was wrong with you the next day to see if u were ok wasn’t coming empty handed either maybe she just wanted to see u all .if it was your family coming round all the time bet you would love it .but if it bothers you so much talk to his mum in a nice way tell her u just need you and hubby and kids time but don’t make big deal out of it .cause your the one with the problem
Girl. Put your foot down. She is intentionally doing this to come between you guys. I wouldn’t have any of that! He needs to grow up or I’d bounce.
That’s when you tell your husband you and the kids are going out and he can babysit his family alone.
There need to be clear boundaries, this isn’t MIL’s responsibility. A boundary is “We have plans, we will not change them when you provide an alternative.” “If you come over unannounced we will turn you away.” When boundaries are too flexible others don’t know what is acceptable, leaving room for alternatives. Setting boundaries isn’t rude, it’s heathy and requires a team approach. Work with your husband to set clear, firm boundaries and enforce them together. Being quiet is passive aggressive, being firm and assertive is what allows others to know what will and will not be tolerated.
Yep had the same issue. I am now independently happy
He ain’t cut those apron stings honey, get out while you can because men like that never get away from mommy…
So you don’t see it being on both sides. Wonder why?