My Husband Died 4 Years Ago, Am I Obligated to Spend Time With His Family?

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"I don't know if I'm just overreacting or if I'm in the right being upset.

My husband passed 4 1/2 years ago. Before he passed there were issues with my family to where I only allowed my kids around the mostly only if we were there. I’ve been more lax since he’s passed bc I’m closer now and we all live closer spo if I need to be there it’s only 15 minutes apnd not 5 hours.

The problem is that they say things to my kids about me when I’m not proud. When I confront them itsp all me and my fault. Like tonight. I’ve been sick, but they invited us to this fun game place we went to for my daughter’s birthday. There’s an arcade, rope course, bowling, movies, and Lazer tag.

Just a little insight, my daughter has ap job. She’s been begging me for one and ended up getting in June. She asked off for Monday, Wednesday and Friday so that she capn take my son to boxing, and I pay her those days for helping me out. I do determine how she spends her money. 10% to God, 10% to savings (I should make her do more, but already does so it’s not a big deal), $25 each week to me which I put in an envelope apnd when she leaves for college I plan on giving it to her for rent, books, whatever she needs it for. The rest is hers to do whatever. Now, in times past pshe has gone to the store for me, but would always forget to give me back my card spo when I’m at the register itsp embarrassing. So I just have her pay alnd I put it back in her account and round up when I do.

Anyway, tonight I told her to just pay for it and I will pay her back. A few hours into them being gone I asked why they hadn’t done anything and she says bc aunt J is paying for it. I was like why alnd she whispered bc she doesn’t think you will pay me back. I asked did she say that to where everyone could hear? She said yes.

So I end up calling my daughter to ask if everyone heard her say that and she said yes. Well, while I was talking to her my sister took her phone out of her hand to hear what I was saying and told me not to be getting on to her. I told her I wasn’t getting on to her that I would be getting on to her when nobody was around. Bc you see, if I have a problem with someone I’m going to take it up with them not everybody else. She said I would not be getting on to her and has since proceeded with texting me things like she’s not my bank, my daughter’s not my bank, I expect everyone to pick up my tab. None of this is true. I pay my own way and do for my kids what needs to be done. There are times when one of us will pay for everything and then everybody pays them back, but I always pay them back, and do my best not to get in those situations unless I’m the one paying it all bc I know how they are and that they say these things.

It makes me not want to be around them, but this is the only family my kids have left bc 2 months after their daddy passed away their grandpa, the last on their dad’s side, passed away. What should I do"

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The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.

"Why is your sister so deep into your business that she thinks she can take the phone from your child and tell you how to parent? It’s non of her business what you and your daughter decide between the 2 of you unless your daughter is playing both sides complaining to the aunt and then acting like she doesn’t know where it’s coming from? Either way someone has made your sister feel like she has more of a right to have an opinion than she should and that’s problem #1 problem #2 is why are your children allowing your family to talk badly about you they need to be out in there place or good riddance family or not toxic is toxic remove them from your life and or have a heart to heart with your kids because it seems your daughter may feel some type of way she isn’t letting you in on and allows them to continue this abuse."

"Cut ties with said “family”. Family is who you make it be. Have respect, be prideful and be the woman your husband fell in love with. You know what your gut is telling you to do. Follow that with guidance. I suggest you leave, no matter how painful it might be, having negative people around your children is bad no matter if they are blood related or not. But definitely the 10% to God, I wouldn’t push that on a minor… if she were to turn against you when she is older she can take you to court for all the money… there has been cases like this… so just try to push past all that… and let her secide what she wants to do with her money. The $ to give her back is good but still it can bite you later when she becomes adult…"

"If you pay her back like you say you do, who cares what they think or say. Also, they’re getting the idea from somewhere inside to make them think this. At the end of the day, those people are still their family. Just because you can’t get along with them doesn’t mean you should keep the kids away. It has nothing to do with you."

"How old is your child? I feel like making her pay “god” is kinda wrong in all of this. Has she chosen on her own to be religious? And that she wants to put her earned money towards something like that? Putting that extra 10% towards her college education would be more beneficial then putting it towards a belief she might not even believe in."

"I'd stay away and wouldnt do anything with them and if you do next time you pay and pay for your kids and never let them pay anything again so none of this can be said."

"My first question is, why would you get onto her when nobody is around.? Or did you mean getting onto the aunt.? Your daughter has done nothing wrong by the sounds of it. If the aunt wants to pay, regardless of her reasoning, screw it…let her pay. Also, MAKING your child give 10% of God is ridiculous. That should be her choice, not yours. Also they’re getting the idea that you don’t or won’t pay her back from somewhere…"

"My boyfriend passed almost 4 years ago now and absolutely no way are you obligated at all to be around them, especially if they talk shit about you their grandchildren’s mothers"

"Set clear boundaries with them. If you are going to talk to my children about me then you will not be able to see my children… set them and stick to them… cause in reality you owe them nothing, those are you children and they wouldn’t want you putting stuff into their children’s heads either… plus it puts the kids in the middle"

"Eh, create your own family with people who love you. “Family” does not have to be blood related. Find friends who treat your nuclear family well to fill that role."

"Honestly stay away from them they are toxic! You and your children deserve so much better and in all honesty who gives a hoot what they say and think."

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First of all, if they are at a family outing, they shouldn’t have to pay for anything. They are kids. Second, since they are paying for it, how do they know where your daughter got the money from? Why are they asking if it is hers or if you gave it to her? Third, why would she need to set aside money for god? He already has everything. And last but not least, to answer your question, you don’t have to spend time with anyone you don’t want to. Regardless of the fact that they are family. Tell them they need to learn to mind their own freaking business or they will no longer be seeing you or your kids.

I’m not sure why so many ppl are offended at this lady teaching her kids to support the church. They are obviously being raised as believers and most church organizations can only survive bc of the donations of parishioners. However it’s off topic anyway. The question is are these rude toxic ppl necessary for her kids. I would say no. They obviously don’t have OPs best interest in mind and I’m sure there are people whom support them all better. I have 5 sisters and 2 bothers and have schooling and a 25+ yr career in child and family counseling and consultation and I know I can’t tell my siblings how to parent. If you are asked directly for advice you may give it. Other than that spoil those kids before they are grown and you never see them.