I’m a SAHM with 2 toddlers and currently 23 week pregnant. My husband likes to say things like “well you aren’t going to be the one who has to buy it” something along those lines of me not being the one that bring money into the house/offering financial support. He only says it when he’s mad or upset over something. Then later says he’s sorry and doesn’t mean it, that he’s glad I can be a sahm. But I’m honestly starting to think different, and he just won’t admit it.
Honestly- I’m the breadwinner and I hate it. I don’t say the things your husband does but I think them. It is really unfair in these times & economy to put all that stress and responsibility on one person. You are a grown adult & you should contribute financially. You can find a job that is opposite his shirt or work from home.
Sit down and have a heart to heart with him and make sure he’s okay because it sounds like he’s just stressed out. Maybe you can get a part time job to help out with money while he stays home with the kids. Let him know that comments like that hurt your feelings but also let him know that his role is important and you want to help him in any way you can.
Exactly why I would and did always work …
Sounds like he’s frustrated about other parts of his life and is taking it out on you when something trivial sets him off. Tell him you’re not there to be dumped on emotionally. If he wants to take out some frustration he can do it in the bedroom lol. That’s a big stress reliever lol. And it would bring you too closer at the same time.
He needs you to sit down and do a mental check with him. Carrying the load of all financials is so hard on anyone that does it! sit down and talk and see how he is really doing. I definitely don’t think he means anything mean by it.
price out daycare and tell him he can pay it. he will change his mind real quick
That isn’t right . He needs to realize that he can’t keep using his words to attack you and then apologizing . You can’t keep apologizing for something you continue to do , because it means nothing .
Find a job that starts after he gets home and do split shift with him. Let him deal with some of those SAH responsibilities while having your own money.
Work the opposite shift he does for a while.when he comes home,you go to work.no daycare needed,you each take care of the kids and he can do some housework and see how easy it isn’t being a full time mom,house wife,cook and more.Then he will understand better.but just be prepared because you will be doubly tired too.Good luck!
This would rock me to no end. I am deeply sorry for what is being said to you. I am not man bashing but many have NO clue how much work wife’s/moms/woman do. No one could ever pay me enough to be a mom, the job is NEVER ending, no weekends, holiday nothing-!
I have no advice but I appreciate you!
It doesn’t matter when he says it (when he’s mad), it’s the fact that he says it. He said it because he means it, and he likes holding it over your head. Find a hobby you like, and see if you can turn it into a small business. Never, ever, ever, solely rely on someone else for financial support. I understand you are married, but I would do something on the side .
What’s said in anger comes from somewhere. Sit down with your husband during calm times and have a talk about it. He may just be overwhelmed with a new addition coming and it’s coming out that it’s all on him because he’s scared. Talk with your hubby, you’re partners in the good and the bad- including what’s said in anger. And congrats on your new baby coming!
Ask him who takes care of the house and children. You have 2 toddlers and one on the way . You surely didn’t get that way by yourself. Maybe he would like you to change jobs with you once you give birth.
Maybe he just feels overwhelmed by all the responsibility that providing for your family costs these days, it is a lot of pressure.
I’m a single mum providing for my family and sometimes I panic if something was to happen to my job.
The best and only advice I can give is have your own money. Nothing is forever. Not in this day and age especially. Feelings change and people switch up.
Those comments should be motivating you to make sure you have some form of income. Child support isn’t enough to live off of.
Next time your kid needs help say “I guess I’ll do it since ur dad ain’t gonna be the one to do it”. Some of these men don’t realize how hard it is to be a sahm
That needs to be communicated with him. If you can have his kids and stay at home so he can work and save the ungodly amount on money that would go to a daycare then you can be blunt and honest with how his words and actions make you feel. If you can’t then you need to reevaluate, maybe seek counseling’s
This might be seen as a form of financial abuse. Holding money earnings over you like a power trip. Hand him a bill for your child care services. 2 kids full time … he will see your value. And slip in one for 3 kids so he can see the future if you aren’t home to take care of them!!!
Tell him to start paying for childcare then instead of you providing it for free.
Yep he means what he says or he wouldnt of said it.it would never of crossed his mind.
& u put up with it why ??
Maybe tell him how that makes you feel? And not to belittle you ever again. It’s his financial
Insecurity he’s taking out on you, and you deserve better! Xx
How old is he? 18? Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do
That’s unacceptable. My husband has been the primary breadwinner our entire marriage, and never has he held it against me. When things get paid or bought “we” are paying for it.
With that said sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about it. He may feel overwhelmed with the burden of carrying the finances alone. No different than I’m sure how you feel when you are overwhelmed with the house and kids. All of it is a lot and when you feel alone in it, you lash out. It isn’t right, but it’s human. Talk to him
Go to work- let him handle everything after he gets off work. Let him pay the sitter or daycare otherwise
Well, l would stop having babies, because you know that is all your fault too .
I feel you. I work at a daycare and I have for 7 years. I have my cosmetology license but I don’t do hair because I work at the daycare so I can get free childcare for my kids. I work 35 hours a week, I’m in charge of the bills I take care of the house I take the kids to school & daycare ect. When me and my husband fight he says the similar things like I barley make money but at the end of the day we are sacrificing things for our kids and also for our husbands. Like I told my husband can you afford daycare so I can go “make more money” No you cant. So like others have said have a serious conversation about it with him and let him know you are sacrificing a lot being home all day. It’s stressful on both sides and I completely understand what you’re going through
Dudes probably stressed about bills. Everything costs more now.
If every other aspect of your relationship is good, don’t stress it. People are allowed to be stressed out and he should be able to vent to his wife freely.
Now if other areas of your relationship have issues too then you need to think about some future options for yourself.
Also a sahm with 2 toddlers and 22 weeks pregnant.
Does he have or does he say anything about you wanting to go out with friends leaving him alone with the kids
Well did you have a conversation with him about it! Sit him down and tell him to stop saying that, it hurts your feelings and he knows why you don’t work. Being a SAHM is not easy. But don’t stress yourself you’re pregnant
I’d rather be a full time mom than a part time parent. Ask him if he’d rather pay child support, bc after a comment like that that’s exactly what he’d be doing if he were my husband.
What does SAHM stand for?
His way of expressing himself is clearly not ideal. I would definitely sit down and ask him about why he is saying those things. It could be he is frustrated about something else, but being as you may be a stay at home mom for a while I’d sit down and discuss what that means for both of you in addition to where you’re at financial. It’s ok if he is feeling overwhelmed but it’s not ok to take it out on you.
Real talk time…good luck!
This was me and my ex. It doesn’t get better, just stresses you out more.
Anger brings out the truth
Get your own money… Don’t be stuck like my bf who was a sahm when her husband decided he was gonna cheat and then throw her out the house. What could she do? Nothing because she had no money couldn’t even hire an attorney. Get your own money.
If you haven’t had a financial budget plan conversation I would start there to be fair. Plot out what is coming in after taxes. Deduct house rent or mortgage, taxes, car payments, home and car insurance, heat and air, water, utilities, phone, gas, and all other controlled set expenses. Set that number as an uncontrolled expense. Look at what your average groceries are. Set that number to look at later as to what you can reduce. Is there waste, out of
Control snack and drink expenses that could be better thought out to reduce expense like buying large juice and snack sizes and bagging and cupping your own items. Making food in bulk and freezing. Not going through fast food joints and coffee joints often when things could be better organized and planned. Check yourself before entering the discussion of what could be saved. Don’t forget you will be entering buying more diapers, baby food, and possibly supplementing with formula and add that to the budget. Could you be buying used toys when it’s not time to be buying gifts. Look deep within yourself to see is your spending smart and fair for your income or are you getting more than your husband. It’s a team effort when you are on one salary. Then have a sit down and talk about what is left after those deductions and gain perspective of that number. Yes those comments are terrible and disheartening but at least seeing that number together can put you both on the same playing field for a new beginning. Say there is a lot left over. Then discuss a budgeted allowance for you and that that money is yours and no complaints. But does that leave him the same amount? And what about savings and 401k? How do you both feel about college savings for the kids and retirement. I thinks it’s best to gain understanding of all of this together before forming an overall opinion of what you want going forward. Then decide if you want to be in this. Keep in mind there are a lot of men out there that would never say those things, a lot of men that would, and a lot of men that would never apologize for it. He was big enough of a man to apologize so he will be big enough to have this budget discussions. So give it a shot. Gaining perspective is the first step to healing a situation like this. I wish you luck.
Leave him with the kids for a week and see how he wants to act then.
My ex did this crap too. getting a job didn’t help either. Nothing was ever good enough.
Quote out what daycare would cost then tell him you require that to stay at home or you’ll get a job and split the cost of daycare.
That’s definitely stemming from the pressure he deals and the resentment building.
He has no clue the work you actually have to do.
No easy answer to this, unless you want to make sure his expectations are met, and yours are in your own lanes, then talk about this on a deeper level
Let him watch those toddlers for a day or two.
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He means it. Get a pt job find a daycare or babysitter so you won’t be solely reliant on him.
Show him what daycare costs and the money you are saving. Tell him next time he throws that in your face you will be going to get a job and he will be paying for daycare.
Oh sounds like my EX husband. Sounds like he likes reminding you of his “power” over you.
Be sure to remind him that hes not supporting you, YOU are supporting HIM. He wouldn’t have the ability to work like he does if you were not at home doing everything that you do.
You should look up the salary of a nanny, maid, and personal chef in your area. Let him know how much money you are saving him and what it would cost to replace you.
Best advice: Have your own money I understand it’s hard but we can not rely on men long term. I’ve heard of many married couples (married for years) man decides he wants a divorce randomly and leaves the ex wife with nothing. Happens all of the time. Not saying it’ll happen to you but anything is possible. It’s good to have something else to land on just in case. I recommend getting a part time job of some sort at least. Maybe you can qualify for daycare assistance if your state has it. Or maybe you can find a work from home type of job that’s part time. Or even just a weekend job to have some money saved. It makes you feel so much more confident and better about yourself and your life when you have your own money coming in. Goodluck mama
Nah he means it an he’s a loser get rid of him. he will always do it an make you feel guilty an like you are nothing.
Sweet. He can stay home then and you can work. That way he won’t have money. Oh that’s right. That’s not how a partnership with kids should work. But you know. Men.
Your men need to do a study on how much it would cost them to pay someone to do what you do for love. Last I heard it was about 25k a year. Probably more by now.
This!! My baby daddy said it 24/7 so I got a job and now we are broken up
Honestly either set his ass straight or leave it will not change it will continue to get worse the little digs will become big digs and those will become physical and mental. I’ve been there done that believe me you don’t want to live a life like that. Sorry you are dealing with this! Also search daycares in the area and write down the pricing per child per month and also look what it would cost to have a maid/housekeeper and write it down to show him and add it all up and tell him “see this , this is what I’m saving you by being a stay at home mom!” He wouldn’t have some of the things he has if it wasn’t for you taking on the responsibilities of staying at home with your kids and cleaning and cooking and doing laundry and being the one to drive the kids to appointments or the store for food and clothing and medicine. Let him imagine how bad it would be if he had to pay out of pocket for health insurance and reach visit had a copay of some sort what would he do if you didn’t keep the children healthy and taken care of to prevent dr visits for illnesses or broken bones? Would love to see a man do everything a good mom has to do for their children daily
Just another perspective….Were you discussing something expensive? Because if that’s the case I agree with him. I know I’ve said those exact words. In theory I know it’s “our” money but reality is it isn’t. That one income has to pay for all bills food and multiple living people with needs. It’s stressful being the only provider. He’s stressed and letting you know by saying that and he probably can’t handle more financial burdens. I think it’s an insecurity of the sahp and they take it to heart. I’ve also been there . I would get a job if it’s an insecurity for you. You could split the daycare expenses.
My ex husband did this. He also decided it was a good idea to “leave me” when I was a SAHM so I would be forced to find a job. He tried crawling back after I got a job and I said nope. He regrets doing that now.
Time for a heart to heart conversation.
He’s abusive & you should get a job when able. It’s not okay.
My ex husband asked me “with whose money” when I wanted (and got on a credit card) a Christmas suit to wear for my companies Christmas party. He doesn’t respect you as a mother. Leave.
I’ve lived it.
He needs to speak to you respectfully no matter his mood…
You are husband and wife half of the money he makes is yours and you have the pussy too so next time he says something like that we’ll no more sex till you grow up
Send him a bill for all of the work that you do. Oh, and take your paid vacation.
Advise him of the bun in the oven that you are making aint free
Show him the breakdown of daycare costs for 3 kids!!!
He sound stressed about bills, which is expected in this economy. I could never allow a man like that to take care of me because he’s already showing you he will leave you high and dry. I suggest finding a job after preg pregnancy.
He’s wrong. I’m my 22 years as a SAHM , my husband has NEVER implied that it’s HIS money. We’ve always been equals
Enjoy your precious children and the beautiful baby on the way. He’s a big part of that blessing. I would just ignore the rest, smile and be happy! It sounds like he might be feeling pressure and isn’t feeling good about being the provider. I’m sure that deep down he’s grateful for you. Acknowledge it and be grateful and happy you have him.
Start putting money away in a high yield savings account, don’t tell anyone.
It doesn’t matter if he says he was mad and didn’t mean it what matters is he said it so it’s crossed his mind also the fact he says it to hurt you to make you feel less then. I’m speculating but it feels like you might have more problems then just what he said… hope everything works out for the best for you and your family but remember the best might not always be together… maybe suggest couples counseling because while you don’t bring home money he couldn’t have the life he has without you and that means something.
Get a job and make him handle the “extras” you do because you “don’t work ” he can pay for dry cleaning, meal delivery, assistant, etc
I’ve always said told my sisters , nieces and granddaughter . Make sure you have a job even if you have to work opposite shifts from your partner . Never be dependent on no man because 9/10 it’s gonna bite you in your Butt .
My husband use to say some of the same things and still does at times because it’s stressful being the only one bringing in money and supporting the hole house. When all the money problems and bills and needs in the house falls on one person it stresses them out some days. My husband laid off of saying things like that when I had to leave town for a family emergency for a week and a half and he had to do my job too. Maybe try talking to him about how it makes you feel when he says those things and ask him if you can help him to relieve some of that burden and stress and what he can do to help you out, and remind him that you work just as hard as he does at taking care of the family it just pays in a different way than his part does.
He means it. If said more than once without correction immediately, he means it (not an “I’m sorry” but like if he accidentally said it that way meaning you guys couldn’t afford it and quickly corrected to “we”). He means what he says, which makes me wonder why either of you were risking pregnancy unless this didn’t start until after the pregnancy happened. Finances are one of the top reasons for problems and divorce. There are jobs you can do that allow you to bring your kids or be home.
All I can say - i was stuck in four years of the same stuff (when I had my two youngest) “you don’t have money, you have the government’s money” “use the baby bonus, you make more than me” “well you get to stay at home and do nothing all day” etc
It’s definitely a form of abuse, especially considering it is not easy being home with littles PLUS you’re pregnant with another one of his children! He should be nothing but grateful for you.
I’ve learned it wouldn’t get better, only worse on my end. I hope you guys figure it out. All I can say is be open and honest about your feelings and how you feel when he says those things. Bottling them up will only cause further resentment.
Good luck mama
I’d get a job and tell him to figure out child care
5 years into the same exact situation. Ill tell you. It never stops.
Make a list of all your duties…ex. maid,cook,nurse,nanny etc .Find out what the going rate is for each.‘job’, and write it down…then show him on paper how much money your ‘saving’ him.
Let him fix Meals tend to kids clean house wah clothes. and iron put all away we were married 63 years before he passed but we were one if he had money I had money we were one
Get a job so he can stay home with the kids and see how hard it is! He’ll change his tune fast! My husband used to say things like that too. Used to lol. After an emergency stay in the hospital for almost 3 weeks he was so overwhelmed he doesn’t even want me talking about working again
This is why I’ll never be a sahm ever again. I did it once and learned a really hard lesson. Seems to be the norm sadly.
Break it down for him; cost of a surrogate to carry his child $10,000 plus, childcare per hour for 2 toddlers, $40, housekeeper per day $100, cook per day $250 and up. Now let him see how much you are worth and more! He needs to wake up for real! No patience for this man.
Being without any money to call your own is really devastating. Being a full-time mother and wife is a 24-hour job usually thankless. But daycare is so expensive and the way things are now it’s scary to put your kids in daycare. Like the other said I think he should write it out what it would cost him to have to pay someone to do the things that you do. I wish you could find some kind of a job to give you a small income of some kind maybe something you could do from home something you could make or sell. But there are plenty of working mothers that would love to have food prepared that they could just pick up and pay for and take home for dinner. If you’re a good cook that’s something you could think about I don’t know what kind of neighborhood you live in but it’s worth thinking about. Maybe you can do some kind of crafts that you could sell
Seems like he resents you
Girl find a job as soon as you can ( can be a part time ) the thing is to earn a little bit of money so he doesn’t throw it in yourself.
Girl get a job and see him quiet down when he has to fork over more money for child care
Start by finding out how much day care costs get some quotes so next time u can tell him how much he owes u lol
Look into childcare, go to work and earn your own money. Don’t let him degrade you like that.
If he didn’t mean it and was sorry, he wouldn’t keep saying it. His apologies mean nothing.
Tell him you can get a job and he can go half on daycare then.
If he says those comments, he means it and no apology is acceptable! If he can’t see the value of your work at home, he needs to go immediately! What kind of partner would say those words to a person pregnant with their child that takes on every other household chore!?
He’s being abusive!
Male perspective here.
What your husband is saying is completely in the wrong, and completely uncool. At some level he is frustrated about something, but how he is going about it is completely wrong.
He married you, and marriage means one unit. His income is your income too because it is family unit income. He chose to get married and have a family with you.
You are doing a full time job looking after your children and running the house, and he denying the value that you providing through childcare, managing your home, and doing many of household chores.
Your husband’s behaviour is appalling. I’m not sure what your support network is, and what your career and job prospects are, but if I was in your shoes, I would be considering what your other options are. I would also cost out how much it would be to hire in domestic help to do cleaning, laundry, cooking, and childcare.
Bottomline is that he chose to be a father and a provider, and he needs to change his attitude right quickly.
Get a job and then have him pay for 1/2 or all of childcare and supplies that go with it. He also needs to help with drop off and
pick up as well he also needs to pick up kids when they are sick and call out of work if/when that happens.
Get a job and he can share the chidcare
If he’s saying then he has a reason he’s saying it. Personally I think both of you should start looking for childcare and you work. He doesn’t actually value you and even when you have a job he prob won’t magically start. You guys could try counseling. I think to cover all of your bases you should check in with a lawyer too.
And don’t worry it’s not his money it the family money. Doesn’t matter how much he mouths off.
OK so send him a bill for what childcare would cost for three kids. I bet he’ll change his attitude real quick. ￼
I’d say… your answer is in front of you.was he a Mama’s boy? Sounds like someone is in his ear
So are you stressing him out over buying things that maybe you can’t afford? I would love to here his side of the story because we are only entertaining your pity party right now.
Shop at the store that has groceries, garden, and clothing!! Grocery money!!
Price out daycare for your children. Figure out what you can possibly make based on what you are qualified for in your area. Figure out what you would bring into the house after expenses(daycare, taxes, gas). Make a list of household chores that would need to be shared since you will both be working(including dropping off and picking up kids as this should be shared). Explain to him you are feeling under valued and show him what it would look like if you went to work.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10232510873894173&id=1227564282&mibextid=2JQ9oc show him this video next time
If you put those kids in daycare, went to work, and opened your own account… he’d sing a different tune