Interesting that the hashtag is parenting. The primary conflict is with the males in your home not doing chores. Women have made a lot of progress but still do the majority of unpaid care work, such as cooking, cleaning, child rearing, juggling schedules, etc. You want an equitable or at least more equitable relationship. He might not want that. I’m guessing that his mother did most of the care work in his family. I’m curious if you two have similar incomes. If so, or if he earns less, he’s more likely to resist doing care work.
You need to decide what you want and what you’re willing to do without. You can try couples therapy, but I’m guessing he’ll be reluctant. Rest assured, nothing will change after marriage. Marriage itself doesn’t change anything. You can’t make him want to parent. You can’t make him do 50% of the work. He’ll change only if he wants to.
What you want is perfectly reasonable. But just because it’s reasonable doesn’t mean it’s an option. Usually the options are: 1) accepting the current norms, 2) separate, or 3) hire a housekeeper to take some of the load off of you.
Cut him loose! He’s not ready to be a man or a partner. You’ll be happier without him. He won’t change.
GET OUT NOW!!! Believe me it won’t get any better!!
Then stop going over the same thing over and over. Stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. And for the love of God, if you get rid of him, don’t keep taking him back!
I would say the video games need to go or him… He needs to start adulting. Not Fun, but work before play… Time for him to grow up…
First of all, he lives there too, it’s not HELPING you. His child lives there also. Sounds like he’s lazy and disrespectful to you. If he is this way about this, surely he’s disrespectful in other ways too. Where does he get off expecting you to be his maid? SMH
You chose a loser and now you’re raising him as if he were a child because he is not a man.
Don’t marry him. If you do, you know what you’re getting in to.
I did not have to read half of this post. Get rid of that 3rd man child.
Get out now and take your children with you, he’s not changing so do not let him tell you he will. You’re doing it on your own now so it won’t change.
Things won’t change once you’re married, then you’re stuck. Get out while you can. Run.
If you are going to be a single mom either way, WHY have him there? He is living in the house with you paying and doing bare minimum living like he is single and childless basically. If it is your place put him out and move on with your life, if he is on the lease I would say it is time you and the kids find somewhere else to live and leave him to the bills and everything by himself. Do not call him, don’t look back, DO NOT let him back in your house.period
LEAVE THE CONTROLLING USELESS POS…YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE TO COME SEE BABY…you leave take him for child support but it sounds like to me that he isn’t interested in being a father obviously…once you leave don’t look back and do not talk with him again unless it’s about his child and if he doesn’t call then he doesn’t call …You can’t make a deadbeat father change when they think nothing is WRONG with them …You are there to only serve him and to be a maid…but if you like being walked over and treated like crap and a doormat by all means stay and be unhappy …
the advice from me would be. and i,am 82. leave him he will never change. jour doing it now without him, and jou can do it after too. jou gott a job. thats all jou need.
Go on strike!!! Only do things that affect you and your children. Leave his clothes for him to watch. Leave his dishes for him to wash. Only fix meals for you and your boys and do the dishes for your food. Show him what it’s like to do it all!! Don’t do it for a few days then start cleaning. Go completely on strike and stick to it until he realizes you are not his slave!
How do so many women put up with relationships like this?? Maybe it’s my ADHD, or lack of patience, bc I would have left 4yrs ago🤷🏽♀️
Deuces you don’t need that scrub
I wouldn’t have given him a second chance let alone let him be with me for 4 years
Is the house yours? If so, ask him to leave. Change your phone #, change the locks on the doors. If not, get someone to help you move all your stuff to another place and go to the Dept of Human Services and ask them to help with funds for the children; also, they will garnish his wages so you will have funds from him whether he wants to pay or not. I think they will also help you get the children in day care while you work. They are the ones who will help you. They can tell you what other agencies you should go to for help. You can also ask Legal Services in your area to help you. If you decide to live without him, don’t look back. He may be helping you with expenses, but you would probably do better without him. No one can tell you what is best for you and your children. You will have to make this decision; just don’t let him get you pregnant again. You will feel like a great load has been lifted from your shoulders after he is gone. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
I stopped at him arguing with your son from a previous relationship😒 He would’ve gotten the boot .
Msg me I could of wrote this bar the controlling bit and him going out … Usually we pay half but I’ve been only workin one job so I pay rent he pay everythin else but I do everythin Inc shoppin n corner shop daily half the time been wit him 5.5 years and he gettin better but I think he only doin it so I don’t scream n shout for him to do it cuz so sick of it got one little one 16Ms (his baby) x
Very simple, tell him if he can do better on his own and is not going to participate in sharing the household chores , he got to find his own place. I’ll be damned if I allow anyone to live in my house w/o helping with the house chores. And him paying half of the rent doesn’t exempt him either. Just saying. Cause in my house we share chores, bills and even preparing meals. Good Luck to you!
It’s been 4 years and he hasn’t changed, I don’t think he will, and could potentially get worse if you marry him. Get out while you can before it gets too messy. Your already doing it on your own so you know you can do it, just you want have the man child to run around after too. Your doing an amazing job, it sounds like he is just more of a house guest. Also as horrible as it sounds, if when he does go and as you stated, he don’t even ring it you doing the calling him, makes me feel like he actually doesn’t really care. Get out while it’s like this, you and your kids deserve more.
Make him leave for good. U deserve beter
You’ve already had him leave on more than one occasion… DON’T take him back.
I don’t get why women put up with ceap like this. He needs to be a grown up or chuck him out.
Quit calling him. If you did that he will figure out real quick you don’t need him.
How old is your son? For him to argue with a child about chores he himself doesn’t want to do is disappointing. Also, he leaves and you have to be calling him… Next time, DON’T hit him up, and he won’t be asking to come back
You could get a better lodger
I will never understand why women put up w being unhappy for yrs; dealing w same pattern no matter how many times or different ways they try to make it work and then STILL feel like they need advice.
GIRL, do what you know you must. Men don’t appreciate shit and always take us for granted. The only way to force them to appreciate is to remove what they are taking for granted.
You allow him to do what he does to you; you have the power to put an end to it.
If he gives you a song and dance about how he will change yet reverts to the same crap then that is ur answer.
He’s got you wrapped around his finger and knows it but you can easily unwrap yourself.
And PLEASE, kids are not a good enough excuse. You have sacrificed your happiness for them to have their father around and for what?! Kids don’t appreciate shit either.
Kids grow and understand things better. It’s not like you are not going to let them see each other; it’s just that you can’t live with this lazy lump of meat any longer; simple!
Ladies, PLEASE stop making excuses for yourself because of “kids” or “love”; that shit don’t help you handle responsibilities or pay any bills; fuck outta here.
I’m so glad I was taught to put MY happiness before ANYONE; I’m a happily married woman to an imperfect but stable, helpful and responsible man. Do better, ladies!!
It sounds like he’s got the gravy train. He contributes very little to have an easy ride. You’re being used. That being said, if you’re already doing it alone then why not ease some of the stress and burden on your shoulders and just be alone? You need a partner that will carry the load when you can’t, not a man child you have to take care of. If after 4 years you’re still in the exact same place as you started then it’s clear he isn’t going to change his behavior. If he’s only making your life harder than why is he still there? Good luck, I know from experience how hard this is.
I would have left that man after the first 6 month - year. That’s completely unacceptable. You deserve better
Bye bye. It will not get better
Throw his bum azz out, you can do better without him
Make him leave and he doesn’t call you, your not on his mind sorry to say but I sure wouldn’t call him first make him break first because he knows you and what you will do .
Kick him out and don’t call him let him realize how much he actually does miss you and let him be the first to call and if he doesn’t call then you deserve so much better than that!
He is not a man he is a PUNK
You are working & then come home & do all the house work…Don’t call him or wait on him for you deserve much better…He should be helping you instead of playing games
Looks like he didn’t finish growing up. If it’s been like that for 4 yes it probably won’t change. So your choices are to put up with it knowing full well it is ALL on you. Or…end the relationship. Married 34 years and I did 90% of all household and child based activities. Now that they are grown and he is fully retired… I still work and he is chief cook and dishwasher and he will pretty much do anything else I ask for help with. I could have left…I chose to stay and do it all myself for a long time, while he provided for us…
home, food, ele, cars, insurances…
Run as fast as you can he is a user and an abuser
He knows he can do whatever he pleases without consequences,as long as he pacifies you at the right moment.
What you’ve said here clearly describes a narcissist sweety.
So what makes you think he’s going to change after 4 years?
Clearly you love this person so unfair of anyone to tell u to leave him even thou that sounds and looks like the best thing. but one take that game away becoz even when you try to talk it out the game is his refuge then start working on yourself making time for yourself do something for just you!!! Send the kids away for the weekend… Household stuff will always be there but your will honestly find yourself in those moments before you became a mother and partner. And another option sometimes it takes putting them in your shoes for a couple hrs so he understand what u do isn’t easy I left the baby with my partner for half a day and he understood coz u do dinner make him do it and the kids
Leave. He won’t change. You will be so much happier on your own!
Get rid of him. Don’t get married and don’t let him back in. Period. Amen.
If you don’t do something about it now he will Never be helpful believe me not worth it say goodbye move on
Dont marry this dude. It will only make it 1000x harder to get out and leave. U know what u gotta do. Let this man child go.
Just another child wave bye bye to him problem solved
Leave, that’s a marriage thatll end in divorce
Make his pay 100% of everything, if he starts complaining telling if he wants you to work full time and do everything at home the he can support you all 100%, if he doesn’t want to do that then he needs to help out around the house. If you ask him to leave and he doesn’t call don’t you call him, it’s heart breaking for the kids but at the end of the day it’s not up to you to remind him he has a child that should be telling you enough that he doesn’t really care.
Sounds like he’s got it made !Hes lazy and does what he pleases !Ive been married for 53 yrs I was 17 he 21.Were retired ,but my hubby went back to work part time due to boredom !My husband and I have always helped one another inside ,outside and with kids !I worked nights and he had the responsibility of 3 kids at night,meaning bathes,homework and bed time.Before we got married even tho I was only 17,I had a good talk with my finance telling him what I expected ,meaning no cheating ,no abuses physically or sexually to me or our kids ,no alcoholism ( I had two alcoholic parents,no thanks) or drugs,but I said I would be as loyal to him as what I expected from him !We got married.Has it been perfect ?No marriage or person is perfect but any problems we had we communicated and worked them out!If a couple lets issues happen without ever working them out,if the issues get ignored then problems arise and the relationship falls apart !If he can’t help you and is addicted to gaming,doesn’t care about the problems he’s not going to change unless you guys are serious !I have an older granddaughter going through the same thing she’s raising a man cub !I told her if she likes that kinda relationship where she works her butt off ,plus the house ,paying the rent and taking care of the two kids by herself then stay wirh him cause I don’t see him changing she’s given him so many chances !Im Sorry seems like you’re in the same boat as my Granddaughter is.Hes a narcissistic man,usually they don’t change !Your choices are clear it’s up to you what you want to do about it!If he won’t get counseling etc then he doesn’t care about anything but himself !Good luck hoping the best for you