Hey ladies. I’m a 22-year-old mom of 2 little boys. I need some advice and words of encouragement, I guess. So the kid’s dad and I are no longer together because he was physically abusive and very mentally and verbally abusive as well. I am currently staying at a women’s shelter because of him and his alcoholic parents. I just got my class A CDL and am in the process of getting a job with it. I have been letting the kid’s dad see them whenever I can because regardless of how he treats me, he has always been a good dad to them, and they love him and miss him. My four year old is constantly asking where his dad is So I have been doing supervised visits in a public place that we just schedule between us two. Anyways I invited him to come to my mom’s new place last Sunday to see the boys, and he came and was acting crazy. He tried fighting my mom’s boyfriend. Was yelling and pacing the house talking a million miles an hour. I thought he was on cocaine because a couple of years back the first time he got really abusive to me and put me in the hospital, he was on coke and was acting similarly. Well, come to find out he was on meth. I told him he needed to leave and that he wouldn’t be seeing the boys again until he takes a clean drug test. And that he will have to take one every time he wants to see them. He agreed to do that but then last night he asked to come to see them, and I said if he takes the test and he really freaked out on me about it. Said I’m trying to control him and hold his kids over his head, which I have never done. Not even when he beat me so bad, I had to go to the hospital. I still let him see the boys. I’ve never put him on child support or made him not be able to see them, but that’s because he’s never put them in danger, but now that I know he did meth, there’s no way I want the boys around him unless he’s clean. It’s killing me to have to keep him from them, but I also know that I love my babies too much to let them be around that. I just don’t know what to do going forward and how to deal with him acting out because I am putting my foot down. I’m just trying to do what’s best for the kids and me. I wanted to see if y’all had some advice to give me or just some prayers you would send my way that I can stay strong for my boys and that their dad doesn’t continue on the path he’s going down. We were together for nine years. He was my first and only everything, and I still love him so much, and because of that, I can’t ever be with him again. I really just want the best for him. For him to get his life back for himself. This has been a crazy hard two years, and I finally feel like I’m starting my life at 22 years old with two kids, which has been scary but also really rewarding and eye-opening. I have accomplished more in the last six months of being away from him than I have our entire relationship. I got my driver’s license. Bought a vehicle. I got my CDL class A with full endorsements. I am getting into my own place soon. I have been going to therapy. I have been working at a temp hiring agency doing side jobs until I find a CDL job. I feel good about my future finally. I just don’t want to keep feeling responsible for him and his actions. Or let him bring me back down again. Thanks for any feedback. I know there’s not really much of a specific question here, but I felt like I needed to get a little bit of this off my chest.
I left my ex due to abuse and want him in my kids life but don't want to be dragged down again: Advice?
I don’t think he needs to be in the picture at all.
Yeah it sucks. That’s why they have therapy and strong male figures in their lives.
Speaking from someone in a very similar position with zero contact
Just my opinion. YOU are NOT responsible for him or his actions. He is a grown man and he is well aware of how he should act. You do what you have to do for those kids and if that means making him take a drug test to prove he’s clean, then you do it. If he refuses then he doesn’t see the kids. Period. Sounds like you’re gonna have to get real tough real soon. I’m sorry for what you’re doing through
erase him he monster if he abused you given enough time he will turn on kids you need to file for child support he cant be trusted
Clean drug tests or no visits stick to it and don’t bend. You’re doing too good for him to be high while they’re there and something bad happen and they be hurt killed or taken. That’s the only advice I can give is tick to what u already know is the right path. Ur sons may be confused about where dad is but if he is putting them in danger they will understand later in life. It will be hard, but so fuckin worth it
Create strong boundaries and stick to them. You’re not controlling him, you’re protecting your kids. Therapy can help tremendously.
What your doing right now is the best thing you can do. Stay away from him. Will your kids be upset yes but hopefully when their older they can understand where ur coming from and be thankful they have a loving , caring ang supportive mom!!! He should take a test but unfortunately you cant force him too. If that’s the only thing that you really ask him for ( a drug test) and he denies it maybe hes not ready to be a full time dad… he should want to get clean because of his kids or do it for himself. But at this point I think there’s really only so much you can do. Good luck momma!!
I would get an outside agency involved so the drug test demands arent from you, they are just a condition of his seeing the kids. However, and don’t hate me for asking but if he beat you and hospitalized you, what makes you think your kids are safe from him? What if the kids are older and start talking back to him… will he hit them? I wouldn’t be able to trust them alone with him. I would ask for supervised visits
Firstly well done for getting out and doing what’s best for you and your babies! All I can suggest is if his still acting like this then he will need to have a court order which says if he doesnt do a drug test or if it comes back positive then he doesn’t see them beautiful babies. Also I would be suggesting contact supervised at a contact centre as he doesn’t sound stable enough to be around them with just you given the fact his been abusive in the past. Stick to it girl you got this. Best of luck xx
Don’t let a man like that around your fucking kids, blood or not.
Momma listen, as long as he is on drugs and he doesn’t get help for the physical abuse he causes he is a danger to those boys. No matter how you feel about how good of a father he will be to them, right now he isn’t even remotely on that level. I feel as though a part of your love you still have for him is hoping he will be that man that will be good for them. You are not his keeper and his actions are his own. You need to go to the court and establish custody and visitation set forth by the court. They will order a drug test before every visit and get him the help he needs.
Ppl who do meth dont make good parental decisions…yes put ur foot down hell stomp it down. U gotta protect ur babies. If he really wants to be apart of their lives he’ll learn and maybe even get sober. Do what ur doing. U sound like a good mommy.
Just continue whatever you are doing. Be firm with him and mean it. That’s all.
They only get mad when u adk them take drug test ,which means there dirty ,its not your facult .its his he done this to yall and my prayers for you .kids .keep moving ahead and seens you done good about things moving forward ,im glad you got strength walked away ,god bless god there in mist
he does not sound like a responsible parent with his childrens best interest at heart. trying to use then as pawns which is abuse and how abusers work seek full custody as he is at risk of being violent to them to
Protect those babies, keep growing. You’re doing it right. Chin up. I’m glad you made it out alive.
Keep your kids away from anyone that’s on meth. They are unpredictable. Might hurt them even though he doesn’t mean too. Also if DHS is aware that this father is on drugs and you let them be around a druggie you will loose your kids to the system. Get a court order to keep him away from the kids until he is straight
Meth is scary mate.
I’ve been there, done that…
One of my mates chopped a mans fingers off…
Perfectly normal guy, picks up the pipe and ends up chopping a guys fingers off over a small amount of money.
If your emotionally unstable to begin with, it will magnify those instabilities.
People become angry for no apparent reason.
Lash out at those they love and become highly paranoid.
If he was an angry man before the meth, he will be a monster on it.
It will increase his emotions in an order of magnitude…
I would have courts decide they can do drug testing and everything even someone with kids when he visits them.
Let him go… If you are not around to be the punching bag the kids will be the ones to get it eventually… Let him get himself together… Get a court order … Move on… Take care of yourself and kids … He is not your child … You cannot fix him or change him… It is not your job… His parents did a shitty job raising him… Move on…
You need to take him to court.
Have an order established where there is mandatory drug tests, anger management classes, & parenting classes.
Push for professional supervised visitation at a facility as well.
I don’t know what state you in but getting someone else involved may help. Even if they make him drug test and he fails they will likely still give him supervised visitation. They just continue testing until they have so many clean tear to be able to move from supervised to unsupervised visits. But his visits would also be at like a court appointed place. You drop the kids off and pick them up that way your not directly involved at all. My first step would be to go to court and get the ball rolling on child support, drug testing and visits
You have to ignore him and his life as much as possible. Require the drug test before visitations, keep them supervised. Your job is you and your sons, not him. You can offer him info on rehab and support groups, once. Then your job is done.
You’re doing the right thing. But make him pay child support.
You got this Mama. Sending positive vibes!
You are doing great with your accomplishments but you need to get court ordered visitation court ordered supervised visitations
Bless you for your strength in leaving .beating a child’s mother isn’t being a good father.please love yourself as much as you do your kids.
I wouldn’t trust him even in a public place! On meth he’s capable of anything! Kids don’t need to be put in danger.
Bless you and your little ones.
Why would you want your kids around someone who’s physically abusive?
If he’s abusive, he shouldn’t be near you or the kids and he needs to be paying child support, why are his kids in a shelter? Screw that, if he wants to see his kids, he’d better start supporting them.
I stopped reading after you said you’ve never put him on child support! You and your children are in a shelter and you won’t make him pay child support??? That is ridiculous! He needs to not see his kids until he’s off meth and is paying you child support! I know the kids love and miss him but they’ll at least be safe and they will thank you for it when they’re older and understand why you did it. This is all on HIM, not you! Good luck!
I’m sorry but you need to protect your kids and go through court if he is on drugs and drinking its not acceptable for him to even be near the kids while off his face on god knows what.
I understand that you dont want to keep the kids from him but court order is needed he needs to have supervised vists and drug test every time.
He is obviously unfit to be a parent and doesn’t want to better himself for them. Good luck
Red Flag alert!!!. Do not let your babies near him.
You are such a strong woman Please do not let him bring you down. You have to protect your kids. He may be good to them now, but his behavior seems unpredictable and if he was abusive towards you he can turn abusive towards them. Protect yourself and your babies. Don’t allow him to come near you or your babies until he is clean. It will be extremely hard because I know you want your kids to be happy and have a relationship with him but in the long run they will thank you. You got this mama!
This sounds like a situation ive been in and trust me you are absolutely doing the right thing … keeping focusing on your future and keeping your babies safe you are doing amazing mommmma keep your chin up you have your priorities in order and clearly are putting your babies first !which is the most important thing !!!
You Rock !
I wouldn’t contact of facilitate another any thing with him. Let him go to,court if he really wants visitation. Sorry but a meth head is very unpredictable and I wouldn’t allow them around my kids ever
Your doing the right thing! Proud of you!
Your doing everything right. As a fellow momma who did it all wrong to get away I’m so glad you went about it in the right order. I left the state while still with my ex to get my class A and he used that to keep them from me when I ultimately left him. I will say even with things having gone good for you, you still need to go through the state to set custody and visitation. My ex thought if he didn’t show up to our court date he could put it off and keep then from me for a few more months. Just so happened I had enough evidence that the judge straight ordered them to me fully. We had to get the police to come and get them out of his parents house cause no one wanted to listen to the court order and he had to reschedule the court date which took months. Believe me when I say, if he truly wants the kiddos in his life and wants to be a good parent for them he will do exactly as the courts order and prove to everyone including them that he is willing to give up anything for them. I gave up my career as a truck driver, my ex gave up nothing except the ability to use them against me. Parenting requires sacrifices. You’ve given up much for them and are fighting through. Just go through the proper channels for their sake
Go to court… he needs to be committed… hes going to try to run with the kids one day an hurt them do not trust him any longer… hes getting out of hand
Please, please get a restraining order and FAST. You can make it where he can call but not be around you. File a police report from the other day. Contact child support and file for full custody (you automatically have custody in most states but just in case). We just had a girl murdered an hour from where I was because she didnt get away fast enough. It might be hard but necessary. I applaud you for getting away
Unfortunately your best course of action is to go through the courts. They will mandate drug tests, possibly completing a rehab facility and anger management. Please do not allow him to see these kids until you go to court. Since you are currently in a shelter, your court filing fee would most likely be free. My sons biological father beat me at 7 months pregnant and then tried to strangle me when he was 2 months. He was on coke. When I took him to court he was ordered anger management, a drug course and a parenting class. He never completed any of it and he hasn’t seen him since 2 months and he’s 5 years old now. I have never had contact with him since the court hearing. If he really wants to see his kids he will do what ever the court asks. If he doesn’t then that will show you how much he really cares about them. It’ll be hard, and it’ll definitely be hard on your kids, but doing this is what’s best for them. And once they are older hopefully they will understand you were just keeping them safe and they will be able to form their own opinion of him. One more thing. Don’t ever talk bad about him to your kids. Even though he is the way he is, kids don’t ever need to hear things like that.
No no no no no no no do not let him see them until he gets cleaned up it’s for the safety of the kids maybe he’s a great dad but he’s on meth he’s not Dad at all and let him know that when he’s on meth tell him he’s not a dad
I dont have any advice for your situation athough i dont know where u live but walmart is hiring drivers and if u have a McLane they r also hiring… best of luck!
Wake up meth. He needs a rehab. Please dont endanger your childrens lives. Use your head.
Um if he’s physically abusive, he doesn’t need to be around your children alone. Go to court and put him on supervised visitations at a visitation center only. Please don’t let your children be alone with him, even if he seems to be “better” at the moment. That’s a tragedy waiting to happen. Also, make him pay child support if you can’t afford the basic necessities for your children!
I’m so sorry. I have been there too:cry:. I had CPS involved because he had beat me so bad I spent 4 days in the hospital. Child protective services took my son. They helped me get away from my sons father. They put a protective order in place, helped us find our way on our own. They helped me file for child support which has its own protection, he will never know where I live. He will never be around my son again. Girl if you’re being beat in front of those kids, or he’s geeked out on drugs in front of those kids, that’s not good for them. Good for you for protecting them. Contact the Attorney General or child support. They will help you. As well as protect you. Prayers
You have got to get help for you and the kids
If he has beat you before it’s just a matter of time until it happens again especially if he’s on drugs and mad because because he can’t see the kids.Please seek help from the court system and please have someone be with you when you go anywhere.Im talking from experience
Kids dont know better. It is your responsibility as their mother to keep them safe and in a good healthy environment. It does not matter if they miss their daddy. They will learn when they are older why he shouldn’t be in their life. And it is your job to do right by them. With that said, you need to file the correct reports with police. Get full physical and legal custody of them, so he cannot see them. And you need to get child support. I thought my baby daddy would be fine with our daughter, thinking same thing, he hurt me but he was a good father the 1yr we were together. 2yrs later and he hands her off to whoever is willing to take her, he has neglected to seek medical attention for her when she got into weed and was incoherent, or intoxicated from wine in her bottle. She comes back with bruises and I have spent the past 2yrs attempting to potty train her and he PURPOSELY refuses to, as a way to retaliate against me, and co parenting with him is impossible. He has caused her to fall behind in her mental development, and his negligence has lead to her getting burned multiple times and though I have attempted to get CPS involved to investigate they refuse and tell me to go back to court. Do what you can now before it’s too late. Doesnt matter how much the kids miss him they will live and get over it. You fulfill your obligation as a mother and keep his toxic abuse ass away from your children if you really do care for them!!!
Sounds like your trying to protect the boys and thats good and it sounds like your on the right track maybe speaking with a counselor to guide you. Just saying
I’m not sure where you are…but I know for sure here in BC if you knowingly send your kids where drugs may be used you can have them taken away…
You’ve done a great job on yourself so far…but just because he’s been good with the kids doesn’t mean he won’t flip out on them if he’s high…
Get child support…it’s the kids right to have…
Get papers saying that he can only see if clean…
I know you want him to be in kids life…but… obviously he is not fully or he would be stepping up, getting clean…being a man…
Don’t let kids go with him
Keep up the great work
You are not responsible for him do what is best for you and the kids and if hes on drugs they dont need to be around him you dont want them growing up thinking his behavior is ok or normal
Take out a protective order and ask about emergency custody so he can’t take the children while they’re at a babysitter or day care
Please please read and listen to all these comments.
He put you in a damn hospital, has a history of drug use, and is currently using…and you are worried about feeling bad or them kids feeling bad ? Wtf ? Wake the hell up and keep them kids safe and never speak to that man again.
Stick to your guns!!! Meth is too easily transferred into children’s system(I know from experience). If he truly wants to see them, he will stay clean atleast the few days beforehand. You are doing what’s best for those children, remember that Mommy!!!
Court will send him to rehab. File for sole custody. And still put him on child support. U do whats best for the kids and uraelf. Dont look for excuses or reasonings for him. He needs to fix his own life before being responsible for 2 kids.
He should absolutely not see the kids until he gets clean and gets help. You need to protect them. At this point you need to stop worrying about him. He needs to take responsibility for himself. He needs to get clean, get his life on track and put in the effort to see hid kids. If not that’s all on him and not on you.
Plez don’t b around him n don’t let the kids around him when hes on meth. It’s just not safe. Make him do supervised visits n b careful around him. Meth causes mental physcosis n they can b very unstable.
What on earth? Go get a restraining order for you and your kids. Then file the courts for full custody. You should have told the police. Get documents on everything. Anytime the cops have been called, hospital visits, texts, witnesses, ect… It’s only a matter of time before something even worse happens. He may be a good dad that you see but meth does horrible things to people and he may not mean to hurt your kids but he could. And with him showing up at your mom’s home, disrespecting her boyfriend in front of your children well that crossex another major line. Protect those babies befoee someone called cps and they do it for you.
Keep away from him n never trust him just with the kids no way go ur way n let him do what he is during u will never change him
Keep doing what you’re doing. Focus on YOU 1st and that will lead u to your success n better your kids lives. Taking care of you is taking care of them. U r doing the right thing by protecting them from any sort of harm. Being on drugs…esp a strong stimulant such as meth…can make him do some really out of character shit. Since he was abusive throughout relationship, I’m sure he was sober being that way too. So, just imagine that amped up w drugs? There is no telling what he is capable of doing. U have given him benefit of doubt for your kids sake to be a dad. He is screwing that up…not you! Ik it hurts your 2 LOs, but when they get older, they’ll understand u have done everything to protect them. It’s time to not be lenient anymore on him seeing them. Make it court offical now. He really wont be able to see them unless supervised n will prob drug test him also since there is a history of it. Also, go for child support. It isnt about the money…its about taking responsibility! Just keep doing what you’re doing, but get some help in your corner. Much love and prayer sent your way:heart:
ANY man that beats his wife/GF does not deserve to see his kids…If you wanted to be in your kids life you should’ve been a better man…PERIOD
Someone like this doesn’t need to be in your childrens lives… You don’t need the headache…
Go to court, get child support and court ordered visitation. Maybe he’ll be able to get into a program.
Sending prayers to you and then
and do what is best for you and
them and most of all pray and
God will give you sweetie!
Try to explain to them he’s sick and needs to get better, you shouldn’t tell details, that’s for adults and I would get the courts involved cause they will make him do supervised visits that won’t put you in danger
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. You know in your heart what is best for you and your children. Read everything you just wrote. Stay strong, you CAN DO IT! I wish you the best. You HAVE TO stay strong for your children bc they are innocent.
What is wrong with you?
Absolutely get help from the courts. You do not need a lawyer and if you are in a shelter the filing fees can be waived. Protect yourself and your children. You can even go to a free legal aid clinic for advice if you aren’t sure, but you on your own just telling him what you want is not going to last - with a history of abuse he has shown you zero respect, do not trust him. At the very least please contact one of the agencies out there, a phone call and questions will cost you nothing.
Just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing what needs to be done for you and your family. If he can’t stay clean to be able to see his own kids that’s on him not you
He’s needs treatment or no involvement with children, end of fuckin story…
How has he always been a good father to your children if he beat you to the point of being hospitalized in front of your children. That’s not being a good father. A good father shows his children the way a man is supposed to treat a woman. Not the way to abuse a woman. If he’s on drugs then he needs to be able to pass a drug test each and every time he is around the children. No exceptions. My girls did not grow up around their father for these very reasons and I do NOT regret my decision at all about keeping him outta their lives. As teenagers they met him again and got custody only to beat the youngest to the point she had to have stitches and to teach the older to use drugs then kick her out for becoming pregnant because he allowed her to stay the night with her boyfriend. No father is better than abusive father and NOTHING will ever change my mind on that.
I think you need to get an attorney and formalize a custody, child support, and visitation. Men who abuse women are likely to abuse children. The drugs certainly don’t help. It’s not safe for you or them and he could easily escalate his threats or violence if you don’t have a formal visitation/custody arrangement through the courts. If you don’t have an attorney you can get one through Legal aid or victims services
First of… BRAVO! You are doing a GREAT job!! Keep it up.
Second… don’t let your ex know where you live. Only meet him at a neutral location and WITH supervised visits only. He WILL come around and harass you ALL THE TIME… and he WILL hurt you AND the boys again.
Third… tell the boys that daddy is a little sick and he needs to get help. And it might take a long time for him to get better but that daddy still loves them and for them to be patient.
4th… get legal councils, he needs to start paying for those boys. It’s not there fault he’s on drugs and you will need as much support as you can get
5th DONT GET INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP for at least 18 months. That is the lead time to establish yourself independently…
First off, good for you for getting your life together! Second, always do the visitations supervised until he is 100% clean, n if he isn’t sober during the visit, then no visit. Best thing would be to go through court with an agreement already in place. As for some of the freaks commenting, just because he treated you like that, doesn’t mean he’ll be like that to the kids or that they shouldn’t have a relationship with him. you n him and him n them are completely different relationships, and they shouldn’t have to suffer just cuz he was a POS to you. So good for you for letting them continue to have a relationship with him. Seems like you have everything pretty much figured out. He just has a little work to do to better himself
Now that you have your cdl license and getting your own apartment you can look into a school bus company so you can be home when you’re children are home from school and you don’t have to work nights or weekends good luck and congratulations
Love I have a similar situation going on but the abuse was between his ex and my husband. We filed a restraining order on her for domestic violence. To the court, the kids are the most important to them. They separated the child for custody, and we got protection from any abuse. He’s refrained from doing anything to you or your family and still able to see your kids. It’s just a paper for warning all of us if it happens again there’s no more chances. Check with your state government and laws to research. Good luck.
Protect yourself. Just do you! Work on you.
How can a man who abuses the mother of his children be considered a good father? He cannot be trusted and you would be doing your boys a huge favor by getting him out of their lives forever and don’t look back. You may still love him but you have to love those babies more.
That’s very mature of you, sounds like to me you have every nearly under control. You have it great going for yourself. I would set higher standards for the guy, needs to sober up and get a job before he wants to spend time with the kids. A man who is Abusive to a child’s mother is still Abusive to the child.
to begin with please don’t get a job OTR. in case he took you to court the judge will never rule in ur favor bcz u have to leave them with someone for more than 24 hours and that’s not in the child’s best interest. then u would be leaving them at the danger of him coming around near them as he pleases or taking them from u even if visitation has been established, please keep in mind that not everyone will respect visitation rights how its mandated. they wouldnt rule in his favor either so ur kids wd probably end up w ur parents or family. OTR is not for a single mother, try local now or start ur own company. pm ill show u everything u need to know so u can start. u got this girl! driving when u have little ones is just not worth it believe me
So, similar… I was with my ex for a lot longer and thought the same, just because of the way he treats me he was never mean to my kids, however, meth changes a person and he will eventually use the kids as a pawn to hurt you and it’s not the physical but mental, the emotional and psychological damage he will do to the children you need to worry about, get full custody NOW and supervised visits, do not wait. End of story.
If OP could PM me I am a DV legal advocate and would need more info.
Nope do not allow ur kids around that monster. If he abused u he will abuse ur kids to get back u for leaving him. U need to stay far away from him
Um… If he’s beaten and hurt you why the fuck do you believe he won’t hurt your kids.
Keep him away till he is clean.
Girl in the same boat sorta. You just gotta focus on those babies and keep them safe and loved. Whatever works out the best
Why would you even take the chance is what I want to know. You think that he can show all signs of abuse towards you and not lose his cool when a child doesn’t act the way he wants them to? I think that’s a pretty asinine assumption and you’re going to be awfully upset when you knew his personality is abusive and 1 of those kids are at the end of his abuse. It is your job to protect them even if that means supervised visits for awhile. If he can lose his temper and attack an adult it’s only a matter of time before kids push those buttons and you will feel nothing but guilt and self blame. Never again will I EVER give an abuser the benefit of the doubt because my child wasn’t an exception to his abusive behavior for long and they never will be. DO NOT live with the guilt I still feel 5 years later after my baby wasn’t more important than the drugs and he was neglected causing me to have his rights terminated completely. My child could have been spared the pain by me sticking to my guns and yours can too.
I wouldn’t want my boys with a dad that is abusive and on drugs
A person is not hersrlf/himself when on drugs. Neither you were safe nor are your innoscent kids with him. Enough of him. Please focus on yourself and your kids. Sendinh you so much love power and prayers <3