I feel like I fell out of love with my spouse because of the past: Advice?

Hello, I need advice. I’ve been with my partner for three years, we have a one-year-old. The first two years with him were a nightmare. I always forgave him for everything he did, from him trying to be with my sister to him erasing messages, to being really toxic ( never have I ever gave him reasons) for always defending his family instead of us & a lot of other things. I feel like the time has passed, and I stopped loving him as I did, and I feel really bad because he really changed, but I do not feel like I love him anymore because of the past, and I do not know what to do if leave or wait to see if I start loving him again. I do not want my daughter to grow up with me and her dad, not together. He sometimes is a really good man all his paycheck. He gives it to me for the week ( I do not get anything for myself), yet he tells me I will never find someone like him.


I want you to read that back. You were in a miserable relationship with a man for 2 years. During that awful time, you CHOSE to have a child with him. And the nicest thing you can say about him is that he gives you money to care for the child you 2 share.
Girl, you need to be single until you see a therapist and find out why you think any of that is an appropriate example of a relationship to set for your child. Figure out why you think it’s more important for your child to see a dysfunctional partnership between her parents, instead of a functional co-parenting relationship post-separation. I don’t think you’d know a healthy relationship if it bit you on the butt, and your child deserves better than that.
My advice is to stay single, save up and see a therapist for a good year. Then reevaluate where you are in your growth and go from there. You need to be alone rn though. But that’s just my opinion. Good luck on your journey regardless.


So… he was horrible, and you loved him and stayed. He changed and now it’s not what you want… So would you rather him just be a crappy person and you could love him again?


It sounds like you grew apart from him and hardened your heart towards him out of protection for yourself. I just want to say you can absolutely find someone so much better than him that is just right for you. You journey and your choice.


Leave you don’t deserve to be unhappy :frowning:it’s going to hurt your child more seeing you in an unhappy relationship than it is with you guys not together .


So, during the time he was really horrible to you, you DECIDED to have a child? (Because it’s essentially rape if you didn’t make that consentual decision). And now that he’s changed, he’s not what you want? But if he’s only changed in the aspect he’s giving you his paycheck, then he’s not really changed- he’s just trying to say “Well I apologized and gave you money, so now we’re even.”


Every time he treated you like shit, you fell a little bit more out of love with him. You deserve to be happy in your life. And you daughter deserves better than to watch her parents be miserable and together rather than apart and happy. Leave him FOR your daughters sake. What advice would you give her if she was in your situation?

Don’t waste your time like I did. Now I’m old n can’t keep going

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I don’t really think you should leave. I think you should work on yourself and your relationship. For awhile I was only “happy” in relationships that were chaotic. Due to a chaotic childhood. I did research, went to therapy and have overcome that. That kind of sounds like what might be happening here. If not, go fo fun stuff, fall in love with your partner again. At least try for your child. If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work but at least you can say you tried


I agree with the dint stay if your not in love crowd however I stop short of you can do better or get a better man , I think you need to get right with yourself and be a great mom and put yourself and child before any relationship just take a few years to get you straight.

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Why would you choose to stay with someone you won’t be happy with?

All relationships have ups and downs, if you get past the downs it will be even better

self esteem below 5 you need a therapist to sort you out

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Sometimes we can’t love them after the fact. Do you want your kid in a loveless home or just co-parent well together. I’m grown and it hurts me because my parents are loveless. They are only together because they need both monies to make it.

How about loving yourself first…
Then learn how to live your life

Sounds like it’s time for you to leave

If he’s he’s been like this for 3 years he’s not changing and bringing a baby involves more control over you

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Girl you need to be happy if you’re not get out.

Leave they don’t ever change they only temporary change

It sounds like he’s still pretty toxic and narcissistic. Don’t waste years of your life being miserable with someone toxic.

You stayed when you shouldn’t have and had a baby. Now that he is better you want to leave or is he only better in the aspect he lets you have money but it’s still the same. Doesn’t sound like you ever loved him but loved the drama of it. Work on you relationships are not always exciting you go thru trying times, boring times, falling in love again times, it’s like a cycle you always have to be actively trying so if it’s just boring cause the drama has stopped work it out with him. Work on yourself tho cause you shouldn’t only love someone that makes drama or hurts you that isn’t any kind of environment for you or a child.


You need to truly love yourself first. Then you may truly be able to move past this. Because you say you have,but deep down it’s still hurting you.

Life is too short to not be happy
Move forward and start loving yourself again without him then someone who respects you from the very beginning will come along

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Don’t stay with someone you’re not in love with. Everyone involved deserves better. You won’t just start loving him again. It requires effort. Think about your decision and do what’s best in the long run

dont stay with a mentally abusive boy for your daughter leave your both better off

If you don’t love him anymore why stay ? Never settle - your daughter deserves to be raised by two people that love & respect each other not because you think you can’t do this on your own. Keep in mind yes people CAN change but only if THEY want to & by his statement of you’ll never find better than him - that’s only a “ change “ to keep you with him since he sounds like he has to be in control.

He’s toxic, take your girl and leave

I hate when people tell others that because it’s not true…life is too short to be unhappy. If you feel this way now, it’s not going to go away. Unfortunately, it gets worse and eventually your child will start to notice as they get older. It’s better to have to 2 happy parents apart than 2 unhappy parents together.


Run he won’t change .Many parents separate for greater good nothing worse than teaching your child to stay in a loveless relationship…

If you really want to stay togeather and get your love back on track then you need to set him down and let him know how you feel and ask him if he would consider going to marriage counselling with you. If he says no, then listen to your heart and gut and do what will make you happy. May Be you need counselling for yourself before deciding anything as it will affect all three of you. Maybe get a babysitter and have a date night once or twice a week . Have you even asked him how he feels. All i am saying is think twice. It’s alot easier to give up instead of working on your relationship. It’s possible to fall back in love. Praying for ya’ll. :pray:t2::heart:

You need to move on,that love you had for him, will never be again. He’s the one that caused this to happen, a person can just take so much, and finally you wake up.
Start another chapter in your life without him.

Narcissist don’t change


They don’t ever change. They only get better at hiding it. “Youll never find someone better” thats just him manipulating you. Tell the trash to take itself out. You and your child deserve it.


I’ve been through this, for 8 year’s. He cheated, I caught him in bed with another woman, he hit me, you name it. I wanted my son to have that family I never had. I’m so happy I left when I finally did. It wasn’t until the end he wanted to change, he wanted to marry me but the hurt was too much, he broke me. Leaving was the best decision I made, as one doors closes, another one opens. I’m grateful because I met the love of my.life and he loves my family and the family we created. Never settle for.you or.your children or you’ll miss out on life and your love.of.your life.

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if he’s still believing that you’ll never find anyone “as good as him”- he hasn’t changed. He’s still a narcissist, just one who is pretending to be the person you wanted, and deserved from the start.


It sounds like you outgrew him. There’s nothing wrong with that. Do what is best for you and your health.


I think you already know the answer


Sweetheart I could have wrote this myself. I am on the same boat. Things are good with my husband. No matter how hard I try to love him like I did prior to all the years of damage, I simply can’t and I’ve come to the conclusion that I never will and I’m ok with that. My kids are under one roof and that works for us. There should be no shaming here. If one day you decide that you no longer can continue this relationship, then leave. I left for 5 years and saw how unhappy my kids were. We now have more good times than bad and I do admire his change but too little too late. I flat out told him how I feel and I told him what I can genuinely give as far as affection/gestures and if it’s not enough, he can find someone who will love him completely. He has that choice. The notion that separating will bring happiness is false. You will be happy if your children are happy. this is my sacrifice and mine alone. If other women decided to leave, I applaud them, but staying does not make you weak. No one grew up in your shoes and they certainly are not in your shoes now. Good luck and I hope you make the right choice for all involved.


I say good bye and find someone else

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I saw this a long time ago every time you forgive him he loves you a little more and you love him a little less and when you are finally not in love with him anymore he is the most in love with you. I never realized how true it was until it happened to me I left we still get along for the kids but it was by far the best decision I’ve ever made.


Keep searching , short and sweet !

I’d look up what a healthy relationship looks like get into counseling and look up narcissistic abuse

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Hun, you don’t need to find someone else like him you will find someone ONE MILLION times better than him. Someone who will love and respect you and your daughter. You’re feelings will not change he made his bed now let him lay in it alone. You deserve happiness. I don’t believe at all that he’s "changed ". A tiger can’t change its stripes.

The fact that he gives you money, but at the same time tells you “you’ll never find someone like me” is classic narcissistic and manipulative behavior. He hasn’t changed at all, he’s trying to break down your self worth. You could find someone 1000x better than him. Your current feelings are completely validated. If you don’t have the same feelings for him that you used to have, it’s time to go. Also you say he’s “sometimes” a good man. That means that he is still “sometimes” a bad man. Staying in a 1 sided narcissistic relationship will only show your daughter that it’s ok to stay in a relationship like that, that it’s normal. She could end up in a relationship just like that or worse when she’s older. Sometimes it’s better for the kids to have two parents separated and co-parenting.

He never changed, you did. You have been dealing with it for so long that your mind and heart healed so you can move on with out missing a beat, as for your daughter leaving a toxic relationship is what will be best for her not staying together.

He’s simply manipulating you. Neither of you are in love. He gets off on control. I suggest exploring what you can do to be financially independent from him, (child support is only so much) and do whats best for you

Sounds very narcissistic.

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It ain’t never going to get better I did it for 16 years lots of stuff in between but it never changes mind you not my ex is my really good friend these days but us being a couple didn’t work

No ,but you may find somebody who is better than him

He’s toxic - A zebra can’t change its stripes. Leave and don’t look back. Teach your daughter to stand up for herself by standing up for yourself!

It did change and that’s why your not happy. Change is continuously going to happen and because it didn’t happen to favor you staying doesn’t mean you should have to search for your reason to stay. If you had no love for him you would not harbor the care of his feelings either. My thoughts are your hurt and that has changed how you feel for him. Yet you do love him and that’s the hardest part of leaving a person who has utterly betrayed you by one going for your sister and two not making you see the reason your still there and should be in love. Explore your self inside and if your ok with out him than leave. (Easier said that done) but if you question why your leaving or if you could fall in love again. You may regret it and cause a mess that you’ll eventually just clean up anyway.