Okay so unfortunately I’m dealing with this. My 6 year old is the exact same… exactly what ur saying she’s doing. Except bathing cause she loves baths so she can intentionally make a big mess. I dunno hitting them makes it worse. Taking things makes them scream and whine more. The only thing that’s been slowing them down is time outs sitting them down in a corner we stopped spanking her and she chilled a little bit. But now hit her siblings all the time all it did was teach her to be aggressive… yelling at them makes them go into a I can’t understand anything ur saying in one ear out the other. So yelling doesn’t work. Talking to them softly and sternly makes them laugh them laugh do it more. Bull rushing them and taking control of them makes them more aggressive and think it’s it’s game. All I can say is time out… it’s the only thing makenthem legthly but not over 15 mins if it’s swearing just use soap and stop swearing around our kids my kids only repeat everything we say so how they talk and act is a reflection of there upbringing remember that. Stop fighting and swearing infront of her show her love and take them out side and play go for long walks… swimming… sports. Biking… just do it my daughter is still a beast but been getting better daily
I think your little girl should go for therapy something not right for such a young child to be so venomous …I’m so sorry …I pray you get this problem sorted before it escalates .
Have her evaluated for ADHD. It’s so much more than just hyperactivity. My 13 year old was the same way! His biggest adhd symptom is impulsivity. The constant lying, storytelling, arguing, acting out, all of it. We had him in therapy for YEARS, with zero improvement. They actually thought he had something called IED because he was so bad. He got diagnosed ADHD instead and we started him on medication. HE IS A WHOLE NEW PERSON! He is a pleasure to be around, he has improved on every level. School, home, friends, and even trying to do work through the summer!
I’ve been right where you are now. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better. BTW all these suggestions, I tried them all! CPS is in your future. Start preparing.
Check out who her friends are!!! She is hearing that cral some place!!!
Hang in their mumma
I would suggest finding a new child psychologist … even if they can’t find a “problem” having that safe space for her to talk to somebody might help. When my oldest daughter was 12 or 13 she was also really awful and was taking it out on her younger sister and I, it got to the point she was physically hitting me and there was nothing I could do to defend myself (I reached out to a social worker with MCFD and was told that I couldn’t restrain her because the line between defending myself from her attacks and abuse are very fine) Long story short, she was being bullied in school and was too embarrassed to tell anyone she she acted out at home instead.
She sounds like the kid from the movie “The Bad Seed”! Do like others have mentioned, put monitors up and record how she behaves at home when it’s just you and her at home. Show them to a counselor so they can see the part of her that only you deal with and help you change her behavior. Good luck and I hope things improve for your family
Get other specialist’s views. There has to be something that’s setting her off and also if shes feeling the tired, negative energy of you, she knows she can push all the wrong buttons. Look after yourself and hubby as well. A drained parent is like ammo too a child.
My daughter acts up sometimes too sometimes i took her to therapy and im going to therapy as well with the same therapist as her, we and i’ve found we dont fight as much and are working on our communication better
Take to mental health doc. Schichpionia starts as young as 5
Therapy for the whole family! Nanny cams for proof but also safety.
Sounds like you need to keep looking for doctors and therapists that will help. Find a specialist. Set up cams like others have said and show to the doctors. Mental illness can happen at any age. She needs help and proper love and communication.
Jody Long Pole read this
I have done therapy with my daughter who is now 11. We have tried discipline the old fashioned way and all the ways the therapist said. nothing works with her. She is now back on meds and is doing better. My oldest who is 18 just graduated has Aspergers. She was misty agnosed with ADHD at 1st through we went through A-ton of medications nothing worked until we got the correct diagnosis
Record her and also for your protection. Stay consistent. She needs to be used, you take her to the store and give her a job, remember we need this & this, she grabs the things on the list you give her. She needs 1 on 1 with each parent too. Explain what we’re doing today, what we’re grabbing at the store, today youre doing this… everything needs to be explained to her.
Earning things back is not positive reinforcement. I would try and do positive things with her. Tell her you appreciate the way she did or said something. Draw attention to the positive behavior. She is likely looking for a reaction of some kind and is getting it from negative behavior only. Have her assessed for behavioral disorders. Have her teacher fill out a BASC3 as well as you.
I have told my child during such times, that I will always love you, but right now I do not like you!
I was told to record the behavior cuz they don’t believe me either that the behavior is that bad at home since he’s fine at school my son has ADHD and it’s a REAL STRUGGLE from the time he wakes up to the the time he goes to bed I feel like a horrible mom but we’re just struggling
Such a tough situation to comment on. I work with children and adolescents and see this a lot. Parents say this behavior is happening. Kid says opposite. Usually an outside source could see behaviors within a week of consistent routine. That would help bring down any questions on whether it’s true or not. I see where someone thinks there HAS to be some truth to any allegations made by the child. While this could be true, it could also NOT be true. Attachment d/o and personality d/o tend to come with a history of false allegations and made up stories. With that being said, whenever your child made an accusation of abuse to someone at school, there should have been a DSS report made. It’s not the mandatory reporters job to decide if it’s true or not, they are required to report ANY allegations. DSS should have a more specific skill set to interview and gather findings on this.
It’s a lot. I see parents dealing with this all the time. Hang in there. Don’t give up. Mental illness is an illness and isn’t something your daughter has control over.
The key takeaway is a consistent routine to help others discover true behaviors and patterns, whether it be with the child or parent(s). All in all you are going to need professional help in some degree.
I hope that helps. Feel free to reach out if you ever need anyone.
I suggest having a Doctor provide a “genesight” blood test done on her and begin the process of Antipsychotics￼, I truly mean that lightly. I understand medication isn’t for everyone. But the blood test is newer and it includes mood stabilizers, antidepressants, Anti-anxiety￼ and a few more. This will give you a guideline, simple and quick result of what medication might work for her. The blood work will take 6-8 weeks to come back, but it’s so so effective. I carry the packet in my purse to share with others how much it can help with mental illness - if this is her case?
The results range in the category of red, yellow, “green”. Which green will work best and try those.
I have 7 children and did a mood stabilizers (which I had no clue existed) for one of our kiddos who had similar behaviors and it truly helped tremendously!
*I understand this method isn’t for everyone, it’s just a thought. Google genesight test. It’s truly remarkable.
Good luck mama!
I would advice to see a childs Neurologist ASAP. A 9 year old cannot be such manipulating person unless the child is facing issues that have NOT be diagnosed. possibilities: Autism, ADHD, anxiety, psychosis. Your daughter needs a prober diagnosis and then proper treatment hun
Get indoor cameras, I would put one in all the public places so you can show her doctors, therapists etc. Also if you need to hold her arms until she’s done to protect yourself, do it. Have a talk with her about Jail and what happens to children who do this when they become adults. Don’t take her crap, period. She gets NOTHING until her homework is done. If she tries to move, your or your husband pick her up and put her back in her chair. No friends, nothing (accept reading material such as kids behavior books) until she geys her crap together. Also, sounds very much like ODD to me or some other type of issue. Good luck mama!
Call your local law enforcement and ask about behavior training facilities. Aka… Boot Camp. Its the summer. Im sure they have plenty of space.
If u are in the UK get a referral to cahms not sure what the American team will be called
Ask for a full psychological,behavioral and educational evaluation. Their expensive but they will be able to see if there’s anything going on that others can’t see.
My daughter can be the same way. With evaluation they take into part parents feedback, teachers,Dr feedback and the testing (which last for almost a whole day). My daughter was on her best behavior and they still found insite of what was going on. Then u can move forward with the proper drs, counseling, meds and home therapy.
It’s not easy by no means but having the proper diagnosis opens doors to help. Start documenting when things happen. What happens, where,how,time ect. It can help alot. They may be able to see a cycle
Your not alone. There’s many of us parents that live with difficult children. Many of us hide what’s going on from the out side world. We had to learn how to parent in a totally different way with my daughter. It’s hard but it does work. Look into the book “the explosive child” and look up aba therapy. It works. Takes time but works
Oppositional defiant you have to do the opposite of what they are expecting you to do. Don’t argue with her.
This stems from lack of consistant discipline and understanding of who is in charge from a very young age
Install cameras so you have your proof and no one can gaslight you. Ask your parents to take her in fir a few weeks if that’s an option
What you’re feeling is normal and it’s ok. Moms and dads are human with human emotions too it’s good that you’re recognizing this! Is she in any kind of team sports? Karate taught me a lot of discipline at that age we would take in our progress reports or marks from school and get praised by the whole team and we would work on whatever difficulties we were facing as a team as well. Best of luck hang in there
Sounds like oppositional defiant disorder. My 9 year old has this and is in need for the adhd that comes with it. You may want to look into it because testing can be done and help isn’t far away. They’ve got afb page as well
She hits you? Oh hell no. Time for you to really tan that ass. No way in hell would I tolerate that crap.
I feel for you. Can imagine how it disrupts all of your daily life. And feel for her. She too has to be mighty unhappy. I pray all of you find peace in your hearts and home.
I have a 9 yr old and believe in spankings(not beatings). She has been spanked for lies, hitting, etc. Yes I do spank hard enogh to where she has said sorry and apologized. She no longer tries hitting, stealing or being disrespectful. She is good in school, has manners and seldom lies which I call her on. I still spank when needed but seldom have to. Most times she only has to have TV, electronics taken or not get to do what she wants. You need to control her not her you and right now it is the reverse. Yes CPS does allow spankings as long as no bruises or welts are left.
Maybe she’s acting out because of something that’s happened to her. I had a friend whose daughter acted the same way. It took some time and therapy. Come to find out, she was being sexually abused by a family member. Not that this is the case with your daughter, but maybe some thing you know nothing about.
I can fully relate to you and what you’re experiencing because my daughter was the very same way. I’ve noticed things from she was a child and I’ve done it all and nothing has changed. Punishment, Doctors, Therapy, Prayers. I recorded her for evidence and she got into therapy but she avoids going to therapy and does not swallow her meds. She was ‘baker acted’ when she hit me and the police took her but sent her home in a few days. She said she enjoyed it and wants to go back. She is now 15. Be strong and take care of yourself because it gets worst (I hope not what I went through) at home and at school
I had similar issues with my now 6 year old until she was 4. My husband never witnessed her tantrums himself and thought I was exaggerating how bad it was even when our boys told him too. He finally saw it for himself one night and we took her to grandmas for a few days. She lives in the country and always has work to do. So at 4 years old she was put to work (nothing too hard for her) and told her if she doesn’t learn how to help control her emotions better this is what her life will be like but not with family and it’ll be at a girls school or juvenile center. After 3 days she came home and we can actually see when she’s about to melt down and will remove herself from the situation to calm down. It’s still crazy to us how just doing that had her do a total 180.
Try to record some of what you deal with at home to show the therapist and discuss the possibility of oppositional defiant disorder. It sounds like she has it. It takes counseling and helping with the underlying conditions with the ODD.
Take her for a psych eval. Ours had several diagnoses that required treatment and it did help a lot… along with continued counseling.
Some of these comments are so uncalled for it’s ridiculous. She’s already feeling at her lowest as a parent and just wants advice and support at this point guys. If you can’t give that, then I suggest you just keep scrolling. To the anonymous poster, I really hope you find something that works and you and your daughter can mend your relationship.
I would say she has ODD. We are raising our granddaughter and the exact same scenario!!! She knows how to control and manipulate. I think that’s your problem also. Counseling did NOT work!!! Cause she manipulated the Couselor!!
Have her locked up in a juvenile center for a week, my Dad had me put into Girlschool, It changed me for the better. I learned a lot. Many prayers to you and your family
Not sure where you live, but contact your county’s Children’s Mental Health and request a case worker. Not every state nor county adequately fund these positions so I’m not sure if they’ll be available to you. I live in MN and the Mental Health case worker has advocated for both myself and my daughter over the last 2 years. I would have long
To kickstart my daughter agreeing to help, I had to play her game a bit. I basically told her that if she’d go to an outpatient mental health program, she could get a dog. She loved the program and it truly was the start of her accepting the help she needed. (and yes, we have another dog now)
May be ODD… I’ve been there… I’m so sorry…
I know it sounds sneaky and awful especially as it’s your own daughter maybe secretly film her where possible to take to her therapist and even perhaps show her she may not even know she’s doing it, hopefully it will pass
It has never occurred to you that YOU might be the problem?
Detox all processed foods may help some behavior
Like others have said Id be recording these incidents and bringing them to the psychiatrist. Sounds like a personality disorder or possibly ODD. Someone with ODD usually controls themselves at school, drs, family & friends but acts out in defiance in their home setting. I have dealt with this for years, one of mine has for the most part grown out of it. I hope you get answers momma.
She needs physical discipline. We don’t need to record anything, set up cameras or anything else. There is nothing wrong with her she literally needs a good butt whooping and consistent discipline.
You can take her to the emergency room for a evaluation. If they feel she needs more help they will transfer to a different hospital.
Florida Sheriffs Youth Ranch works wonders.
If she steals take her to the police station we did!!! It worked!!! They worked with us to scare her straight!!! I’m with you!! If you have questions or want to talk I’m me!!!
Check your vibes if you are resenting her she maybe feeling your negative vibes toward her. Who resents a 9 year old? SMH
Well I would definitely continue therapy and get some for yourself and husband as well. I would set up cameras and record the behavior to show the therapist and family so they can see what you guys are dealing with. Also could she be being bullied at school? This could definitely cause some behavioral issues at home.
Y’all need family therapy. Also, I feel like at some point, we all hit our wits end with atleast one of our kids. You just kinda have to figure out what works for your kid.
I wish I had a solution for you but I just wanted to come on and say you are not a bad mother and sometimes I feel the same way just not to the extent it seems like you do but there are definitely times where I’m just so sick and tired of arguing but mine is 16 I really hope you can figure it out try to stay strong it will be worth it in the end
If you can install cameras. Don’t tell her you did it. Then you could show them how she acts.
One thing I didn’t see scrolling across the abundant comments coming in right now is the book My Explosive Child. I agree with others about seeking help but I wonder if the book could help reframe things. Also The Whole Brain Child. And lastly the Visible Child: Respectful/Mindful Parenting fb group. I’ve learned a lot from just reading posts and comments. It’s all about figuring out what is going on for your child to see where this behaviour is coming from.
BEEN THERE! I didn’t resent her, but I missed her. I resented the arguments and screaming that I knew would walk in the door with her after school every day. And the weekends that would be full of the same thing. And I missed the sweet little girl she was before. I tried everything I could think of but nothing seemed to work. I tried to put myself in her shoes, because I had a similar relationship with my mom/parents at that age. I didn’t hit but I talked back and was always angry. I didn’t see back then that I was being disrespectful, I thought I was just reacting to how I was treated. And sometimes I was, other times I was being out of line. But I realized perception was a huge thing. I need to see things/me from her eyes to know how to handle it. She must be feeling SOMETHING negative to always be acting like that. So I tried the last thing, which now that I think of it seems so obvious…I sat down and talked to her. But more importantly I listened. I was honest and told her that I was struggling big time with figuring out how to handle her when she acts like that, and that maybe I could do better if she could help me understand what she’s feeling. I told her that the screaming at me and throwing fits only shows me that she’s upset, but not why. And if we could sit and talk about how she’s been feeling and what upsets her and why, it might really help us both. I told her I hate yelling at her and I don’t want to fight with her like this all the time. And then I listened, asked questions to help her talk about it, explained how I felt, and related to her as best I could. We came up with a plan. When she’s acting/feeling like that, I’d remind her that she needs to go to her room to calm down, not because she’s in trouble. Just go calm down and then when she’s ready to talk calmly she can come and get me and we will go talk. Things were not immediately fixed but it didn’t take long to see the huge change in her. She needed reminders but now she almost always catches herself immediately, and if not immediately then just minutes into her “fit,” she will stop herself and even say out loud “I need to go chill out.” And then she does. She doesn’t need a long conversation every time now, she has learned when she’s overreacting and when her feelings are completely justified but her actions are not. It’s been about 2 years and she is a totally different child. She will now come up to me first and say “sorry for the attitude, I was mad but I went and calmed down and I feel better.” And then I always get a hug that I don’t have to ask for.
Is she being bullied in school? There has to be a deeper issue going on causing her to act like this.
Mental & Emotional Illnesses. Are Tough To Deal With And Get Tougher When Postponed
Will Lou Gray in Columbia and make her go, there is a age limit. Check it out.
Record it. Take her to a behavioral health specialist and get her evaluated.
I have a solution in this order, WHOOP HER A**, take stuff, put her on punishment and stand on it and why are you guy’s allowing her to hit y’all ! Remember you are the adult and don’t be scared of CPS at this point because she already has folks thinking you treat her bad and since that is the impression she is giving out match her mfn energy and whoop her, don’t beat her but grab a belt and wear her butt out! Once you start doing that you will see a change
Set up cameras in every room, while she is at school, so she doesn’t know that she is being recorded. Maybe try changing her diet, as well. Whatever her diagnosis may be, could be triggered by things she eats. I know that sounds crazy, but there is a book my aunt owns that tells you foods to avoid foe each blood type. May not be a cure for the issue at hand, but may help to control it to a certain extent.
I would be looking into possibly seeing a therapist for her. Therapy is life changing and I think everyone can benefit from it regardless of wether or not you think you need one. We all need someone to talk to and maybe that’s the case for her. You could have her do individual counseling and then possibly family counseling
Secretly videotape her so you can show it to the psychiatrist. Something is definitely going on. Kids don’t act like that for no reason.
My son was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder. He was the same way and I literally almost went crazy. It took taking him to therapy and using the tools given to us to help. He is going to be 24 this year and things are much better. He still does things that make me want to scream, but he is much easier to deal with. He never hit us though. I think he knew that I would have his ass if he tried that nonsense! Good luck, I know how difficult it is.
Maybe video her acting this way that way you can show it to the doctor. God bless you…Praying for you and your family.
CAMERAS! Install cameras so that way you can show the psychologist/therapist her behaviors. Definitely go & have her evaluated with that camera footage so that way the entire picture can be assessed.
Record her behavior and show it to the Drs so they can see what exactly you are talking about
the fact that you said she can control her behavior around family and friends so they don’t see it tells me its not ADHD. Keep sticking with the rules and do not give in no matter what. Also keep looking for a new therapist. There is an underlying issue that has her acting out towards only you and your husband. If you look back, have there been any signs of acting out in the past, not listening, anything that would concern you? This doesn’t happen over night ( Even though it may seem that way). Also. give yourself permission to feel the way you are feeling. Lots of parents feel the same way, they just wont admit it. Good luck!
I’d suggest pulling her from school and homeschooling her
You need to record all of her out bursts, and find a new therapist. She could be bi polar, manic, she may ODD.
Give her options. That’s the best advice i received from a therapist all the years my daughter had behavioral issues. Some kids just need to feel like they’re calling the shots. Give options for punishments, give options for activities, give options for dinner, everything… now when you give those options be fair to yourself too. Example for punishment: option 1: you can do chores now and take a 10 minute break without electronics and toys and then we can talk about why this is unacceptable or option 2: we can discuss why this was unacceptable now then you can do your chores and take a 10 min break to think of how you can react better next time. (Win win for you, but she still gets to feel like she’s calling the shots by making a decision) it’s weird but it helped us tremendously
Take a breath.
First off your not a bad mum.
Children go through the teenage stage a lot earlier these days.
I went through this with my eldest, now he’s a teen he has calmed down a lot.
Stop with the routine and both of you go out.
Have some fun and rebuild your friendship.
Show her that despite her attitude you still love her.
This stage will pass I promise.
If you need help yourself then I recommend to go see your GP.
Have you talked to a phychiatrist to see if she needs medication? It has worked for my g daughter. Complete turn around:broken_heart:
I know it hard, but in the mean time, try good old fashioned love. Hug her, give her compliments, let her know you need her and want her there. Invite her to help you and let her know you would really like her help with making dinner or put on music and make it fun and uplifting. Really try to set a positive environment. Kids can definitely feel if they aren’t wanted or needed. It makes them miserable and cold. While you try this, you can ask her whats bothering her deep down and if there is anything you can do to help her find a more positive path. Don’t give up, it will be hard. Let her see your love in a kind way.
Treatment can and might help, I wouldn’t give up there either, she needs support now more than ever. Much luck to you and her. I hope you both can find the correct avenue.
This may sound dumb but maybe as a last resort, Dr. Phil McGraw
2 of my kids had ADD ADHD
One was bipolar
This is going to sound harsh and a little backwards but Don’t engage in her unacceptable behavior. I would make her earn everything and treat her like a prisoner. Give her only the Necessities and lock everything else in your house down. Do not REACT to her RESPOND to her bad behavior. And if she being physical with you ADULTS and you aren’t doing it to her then you need to get proof and call a doctor that will listen. Otherwise check yourself! She is 9 you are the parent I don’t believe under any circumstances this is acceptable or should be allowed. Maybe all this behavior is trying to tell you there is trauma happening somewhere in her life.
I don’t have a 9 year old. I have. 6 year old. But this sounds like my younger brother when we were growing up. He went through so much emotional trauma and it scarred him.
He never learned how to cope. Regardless of how big or bad WE may think something was that happened, that doesn’t define how it actually was for someone else’s reality.
I truly believe that at that age there’s not enough positive stimulation filling up their cup. How did she get to that point? How did you handle her leading up to that point? She is still so young and it sounds like she is hurting.
Do you spend one on one time with her?
The last few years have you invested your time into her, asking specific questions about her friends and her day and what makes her happy/sad… etc?
Showing your child interest and letting them be themselves and lead the way for time together is so important.
Pushing her away is definitely going to cause more problems and fast. It’s the easy thing to do but she is 9, you can’t do that if you want to fix it your relationship. At this point you can’t help her without a stronger relationship so I’d say just work on that vs trying to “fix” her.
Keep going, keep trying. Little notes to her at school, little rewards for little tiny milestones.
You’re not alone. Look into support for parents with children that have ODD.
I am so sorry you’re going through that, I don’t have any advice but I’m sending positive vibes and healing to you, your husband, and daughter
Developmental pediatrician, asap.
Boot camp or tupelo mansion is a school for troubled kids
Id show her the jail system. Thats where she’s headed. Yall are doing the best you possibly can.
Set her up for scared straight!
Wanna know the cold hard truth?
She probably resents you too. Try some open communication. Find flaws within yourself and your parenting and open up to her about them. If you can’t admit your wrongs she won’t either.
It’s a trying age…they are all trying ages let’s be honest.
Take her out for a day get a manicure and pedicure. Go grab some Starbucks. Sit and talk to her about what’s going on. 2020 alone fucked with kids mental health and it’s better to teach her communication than suppressing it.
Let her know that you love her and that you want to get on a better path. There’s some parents out there who would kill for another moment with their children who have died and you have time to work on fixing your relationship with the daughter you resent.
Get involved with an activity with her - a hobby - a sport. Do some hardcore bonding time.
I’m praying for you. Being a parent is extremely hard and it’s very hard when the baby you nurtured and cuddled grows into someone you don’t recognize. You both just need to find your voices with each other and if you expect her to grow out of it or punish her to make her love and respect you…it won’t be long lasting.
Stay strong and know that you’re not alone
Put a hidden nanny cam in, take it to the psychiatrist and school counselor
My daughter is exactly the same way, some things have gotten better and some have gotten worse. She has been diagnosed with adhd , odd and anxiety.
I would definitely recommend seeing a doctor who can maybe recommend a therapist and possibly some other assists !
Sit down with her talk to her see what’s going on kids have such crazy things happening and don’t express themselves very well she needs guidance stop yelling let her make mistakes I now have a 13yr old I wish I would have got this advice about I feel terrible all the years I spent yelling instead of showing her the right way to deal with and handle things I still yell if I have talked multiple times and they don’t listen for the most part I try to figure out what’s going on and how to show them to act maybe there’s 1 time you let her get away with something so she’s continuing to do it to get another time she will be allowed I’d sit set up clear boundaries even if she should know better and write the consequence cleaning this or cleaning that losing this losing that and stick to it I’d also try to get her to a therapist maybe some help from an outside source could help steer her the right way before she’s stuck in her ways
Try only giving her attention when she does something right. Dr, Phil would tell you to pay close attention and find something good as often as possible. And as hard as it is ignore the bad behavior. When ever you try a new strategy, stick with it for more than a week. Whatever will work will take time. It is going to take patience. And some prayer might help. If she fails in school the worst thing will be that she has to repeat a grade.
I would start with a psychological evaluation, individual therapy for her, and family therapy for all of you.
You all need therapy.
I’d get a nanny cam and record her showing out , a few times so you can show the Therapist and school and relatives to protect yourself against lies
If she behaves when she knows she is being watched, keep doing this if it causes her to behave until it doesn,t work. At least it will give you a reprieve. Food for talk.
Take every single thing away. Don’t ask her to do anything just tell her she gets nothing until the required chores, homework etc are done. I mean everything. Toys, electronics, outside time etc. Don’t let up. Just her bed and clothes is what I’d leave. I have 5 kids 6 months to 14yo and this works if you stick to it firm. Don’t let her hit you either thats bs. Find a “scared straight” program
I’d tape her so you can show it to whoever you need to do they can properly help her
Is she being bullying at school/social media…? Struggling with depression, anxiety and/or stress…? Physical, emotional and/or sexu@l abused…?
Have someone else to come in and ask her to do simple things like take a bath or whatever. If she obeys that will show she has some sort of resentment towards you and your husband. You can start there to figure it out. Just my opinion.