Just wondering how many moms out there in relationships feel like single mothers, or are in positions similar to mine where I pay every bill: rent, utilities, my car payment, daycare…, work 40-50 hours a week, ( i also have two side hustles run a small business operation and manage rental properties) arrange all childcare, buy all the groceries, do all the shopping, organize all the activities, and are expected to do all the chores on top of everything. My partner has been on and off out of work; most recently, he’s been off week for three weeks now. I did 90% of the Christmas shopping, all of the wrapping and decorating, I cooked for his side of the family, and paid for 90% of the trip to see my side of the family. The last job he applied for, I actually applied for him. just recently, a mass was found on one of my organs that has been causing me extreme pain, yet I’ve only taken one day off of work ( i can’t afford more than that). My partner has been home nearly every day and has done the dishes once. The only time he isn’t home is when I’m asking for help or support. I realize with the job insecurity he has been left feeling pretty depressed…anyway my question is to you mamas out there: how many women are really out there that are expected to handle it all… do traditional views of what a woman’s role is in a family impact the functionality of your home life? When the traditional male role as the provider falls through, is it left up to you to fill both roles? If so then how do you do it? Or if you have experienced this, how did you change it without destroying your family?
May as well be single so id say goodbye to him. He isnt helping just sponging
If is he like that and u haven’t got any support from him when asked Or spoke to him and he is still the same I would be like Bye…
he should be helpping you.
talk to him?? say hey I’m drowning here I need you to take care of this and this please … if he doesn’t then you know where you stand… communication…
Idk why you’re asking this forum. Drop the deabeat extra weight, keep doing what you’re doing.
Leave him. You’re not his mom.
I was in a relationship like this after a 6 months of it being this way I ended it. Just another person I had to take care of an adult at that it would be different if he had a disability but it sounds like your doing it all now so there would be no difference besides him not being there. Take it day by day and eventually you will figure out what to do when and how to manage your time right it is a small process since your doing it all now
Why do you all stay with these boys that you all call “men” and then complain about them? Girl if you are acting single you might as well be single. 🤷
I was going through the exact same thing. I suggested marriage counseling only to be told that I’M the one that needs counseling. I was supporting him AND his parents while paying all the bills and raising a child. After 5 years of this, one day it just clicked… I deserved better. My child deserved better. So I packed up, left and filed for divorce. Best decision ever.
He should love you enough to see what you do and how you do for everyone want to step up without being told . He’s another child for u to take care of
Here’s your sign…
He’s literally providing nothing to the household? Why have him around if he’s like that? Even my 9 year old son helps me more than that. If he doesn’t want to act like a husband then he doesn’t need to be one.
Sounds like you’re taking care of somebody’s growing Child. Sorry but if you can do all that you don’t need his ass around.
You’ve allowed these comforts so he’s taken advantage. Give him ultimatum to sort his shit out to get out
He doesn’t appreciate you and I say this with much respect for you as you seem to be handling it well. I would try this approach sit down and have an adult talk with him let him know that the weight of doing 90% of it all is taking its toll on you. Simply ask for some help in areas where he can help it may be dropping the kids off at school or doing the dishes see if there are a few things he can do all by himself that will help lighten your load. If he cant handle a few chores or tasks then he simply isn’t as into his role as husband/father that he should be. Now realize that whatever you have him handle wont be done exactly as you do it simply he isn’t you. I hope that a talk is all it takes to get you some help
I feel the same but he doesn’t live with me I like me space to much tbh just me and me girls x
I’ve been exactly where you are and the only advice I can give you is if you’re doing it all by yourself you might as well be by yourself. If he’s not willing to help you out you’re better off alone
I tried for years. Then I gave up because what’s the point in trying if I was the only one that was trying?
Bottom line is, why are you trying to keep him. If it’s “for the kids”, think about how the kids are learning to act from him. They’re either going to learn it’s okay to do what he’s doing, or that it’s okay to put up with what you’re putting up with.
Either way, is that really the lesson you want your kids to learn? Because that’s what they’re learning.
Sounds like you are making the decision to run the house while allowing him to live the leisure life. Let go of the control and either let him stand up and be a man or say goodbye.
Girl no; if he is truly depressed, he needs to get help. Give him a time frame to get it worked out (like 6 mo to a year) and he must understand at the end of that, he needs to go. It sucks but there should be no room for that. If he was doing all of the home stuff, it would be different
I’m just going to throw this out there my husband doesnt work and I do. BUT he pulls his weight! He is remodeling our house top to bottom he gets the kids ready takes them to school, spends the day with our baby, cleans does laundry etc, picks the older kids up from school. Comes home I cook and I do the shopping. He does homework with them while I cook, helps with baths and teeth brushing with the kids and helps put them to bed. When we sit down at night we sit down together because we are a team. Any other way and I’d be gone.
Uhhh he’s like a man child, my two year old helps more then that
This is type of behavior in men that is trending…
He’s your child at this point
I’m in the same boat. He won’t leave. Let me know how you get out of it.
You’re a single parent with 2 kids…and you’re allowing it
I’m sorry is there mention of a man in there somewhere? Because all I read was you this and you that . I think that’s a definition of single.
All a want to know is wens he’s birthday sigh ? Lol he seems lazy and kind of worthless girl …
Then why are you in the relationship. You cant make anyone do something they dont want to do.
I was in a relationship like this once. Never again. He always had a decent job but that was about it. Never pitched in around the house and when he wasnt working I still had to send kids to daycare. I’m so glad I grew up and left that relationship and found my husband whom may not do things the way I do them but still does them. He does the dishes and laundry and cleans and cooks and when he was off work for a month the kids stayed home with him. You need to leave that and wait for your team player. Cant make room for the right person when you’re holding on to the wrong.
He has it easy. Time for him to go.
Why are you even asking for advice? I would think that if you’re bright enough to handle more than one job, work way beyond 40 hours per week, and do everything else that requires attention, then why bother with him. He’s worthless, lazy, a loser, a mooch, a leach, a user, etc. You’re already responsible for taking care of your child, why would you want to take on a second one!
That’s just part of being a mom. My ex husband didn’t help with anything, ever. I always did it all, and now that I’m a single mom I still do it all.
You have a grown child. Real men step up & help out. I know this because I’ve been there. Yeah…he’s long in the history books…yours needs to be also.
Sounds like my life summarized in a strangers post sending you lots of love mama, I know how incredibly hard this is on your mind, body and soul
I would get rid of him. If he’s not pulling his own weight. You might as well have another kid
To the left to the left
He needs to do more. Depression is terrible and can be debilitating. However he has to participate. And actually participating and contributing will help him feel better. Sitting around all day feeds depression. Communication is key. Although I’m sure you have had it does he realize that? He may feel you are comfortable doing it. And as some have said that you are controlling everything. Start by saying things need to be split up. What does he want to do. Groceries, cooking, fix anything around the house etc. Start from there then work on a list together of what each of you are responsible for in the week. And somewhere in between find time to enjoy each other work free! That’s important too. Diner for breakfast movie night all together. Something. Good luck! And praying your mass is healed and you feel better.
You’re doing it all on your own now. With an extra leaching mouth to feed and provide for. Um… no. You’re enabling him
Depressed my ass. Do you have time to be depressed? Why are you putting up with this ? Don’t tell me it’s love, he does not respect you. Without respect there is no love. I am sure he can find some kind of job even if it is fast food. And as far as a woman doing traditional chores? What about a traditional man? He is a looser. What a fine example of a man for your children. Shame on you
I was bought up the man works woman take care of kids and this is how my household works ovs before we had children we both worked did half the chores ect now my husband works full time and I take care of our child and keep our home clean coke ect I wouldn’t be putting up with that he would be gone
Sounds like you have a child. If it’s not at least 50/50 its never going to work and as long as you allow it to keep going hes gunna stay comfortable. My husband and I both work we both split responsibilities and when one is down and out we pick up the slack for one another but it’s never either of us taking 100% care of the other plus we have three kids. I think its time to think about what really makes you happy.
Sounds like a stage 2 mooch. I’d dump him and keep on going like you are. One less mouth to feed.
He is doing what you are allowing him to do. You are his mom or sugar mom not partner. Put your foot down. Tell the bum he has 30-60 days to have a job and start contributing or he can get his on place. YOU can do bad all by yourself.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. Hes living the smooth life and taking advantage of it. Which i would not have allowed from the get go. Do your part or get out. Youve allowed it to go on for far to long it sounds like.
He needs to step up or step out at this point you are better off without him. The purpose of a partner is being a team in all things working together to achieve goals
You’re enabling him. You guys need to have a tough conversation about roles in the households and he needs to step up and contribute more.
Yes, for the most part (other then, he worked as well). It took alot of conversations and showing him situations when they came up. But overtime, things got better. Ladies, let’s not act like we are above anyone. We all get depressed and need a hand. The solution isn’t always to “leave his worthless ass”. If he is depressed, try to help him through it and tell him exactly how you feel. If he refuses to see the truth and do something to get better, then you look at your options and tell him, if things don’t get better, you will have to leave. I was depressed after I had my kids. It was hard for me to do anything. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but don’t let him take advantage. A partnership is a 2 way street, both of you need a helping hand every now and then. If the situation was reversed and she was the one that was depressed and struggled with daily life, you would all rally around and support her. You would hate on a man that left the mother of his child when she was down.
Um… Time to fucking leave that sorry shit.
You cannot change him. He has a free ride and knows it. There is no family here, just you and the kids.
He’s a man-child. BYE.
That was my life plus his extra time was spent wining and dining his gf. I filed.
I just left a 3yr relationship like this! I finally got tired of being the provider for a grown ass man who has no problem working but he’s to lazy to go find a job. So now I’m a single Mother of 2 handsome boys. My family helps me tremendously and I am blessed for that. Just be strong for the kids and everything will work out!
You are enabling him. And it’s feeding the depression and making things even worse for him. If he’s not working right now, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be the one taking care of the house and taking care of the kids. Sometimes roles are reversed and that’s perfectly okay. But mama, you can’t hold everything together forever. At some point you’re going to lose it and maybe slip into a depression of your own. Get help, get him help or make him get help. Stand behind him but you’re going to have to push him or he really is going to stay comfortably right where he’s at.
Your health is so important. Start finding someone (if you have not already) for support. (Emotional support) you’re going above and beyond. Stress isn’t going to help your health. I think by letting him continue this you are enabling him. Go with your instincts. Just be prepared for him to flip it all of the blame on you. Stand strong and do what’s best for you and your children. Good luck
Sweetie it’s time to sit down & have a REAL conversation with him give him 3 choices.
- He is going to be a stay home dad this is excepted of him (have a list of what he needs to do chores & kids activities).
- He needs to look, apply, get & hold a job (give a time limit) along with pulling his weight with kids, bills & household chores. (Again have a spreadsheet of all bills, chores & kids activities that will be split 50/50)
- He needs to leave! If he wont leave get him off the lease, divorce papers, child support papers.
Hell if your doing it all, carrying the stress & paying for everything might as well lighten the load by one.
Is this a husband or boyfriend? Not judging just confused. You call him your partner but explain him as everything but. What is he there for? I don’t mean why has he chosen to be there, why wouldn’t he? There are no expectations. But why do you have him there? You are a single mom that’s why you feel like a single mom. But, you know all this. I hope you also know you’re teaching your children what men and woman are in a relationship. Stop that. You have no right to make their future relationships dysfunctional. You’re better than that. Drop the dead weight and carry on girl. You got this. Have a good man or no man, no other options.
I was taught that if you’re going to have to do it all alone, you might as well be alone. He should step up or step out
I was a single mom within a marriage for 21 long years,I carried the load all by myself and I decided to leave New year’s eve 2013 and he still hasn’t changed.still irresponsible. At age 53
It’s called pack his shit and put him out. Why is he there if he is nit helping. YOU CAN DO ALL BY YOURSELF tell him kick rocks no damn excuse at all. Wake up and put your foot down and why you paying for daycare if he is home
Well one thing would be communication to him.
Doesn’t he contribute anything (not just money)? If not, why are you still with him? Sounds like he’s got a good deal, and you have crap.
Break it off then, why make more work for yourself if he doesn’t want to help then let him go
It sounds like you could manage without him.
If he’s not going to work the. He needs to stay home with the children Do the grocery shopping, cook and clean. If they are hiring then he needs to be applying…
Men are ridiculous. If you want to stay with him something is going to have to change. Everyone is saying just talk to him, but some people can’t be talked to without blowing up/getting defensive.
Time for you to get defensive and blow up because you are the one being wronged.
You’ve done it all so he doesn’t have to.
Make him see to his responsibilities.
Seems like he’s a lazy shit that you need to get rid of!
I am one (5 kids plus adult child) & recently called break because it began to go further towards disrespect, down right meanness & threatening… Demanding what I should/shouldnt be doing
That is not a partner. That is another child. Sis you better off dumping that man and getting one that wants a partner and not a mother.
You need to talk to him, he needs to step up. Trying showing him all you are doing and how you need himto be a partner. If that doesn’t work, then why is he is even there?
And… You’re with him why??? Get out!!
I had to do it for a while. I got so angry I was bitter.
Just another drain on your resources sorry .
I’d be doing all that with a little lighter load by getting rid of his ass period. There are amazing men out there want to be a partner
In the couple there must be a contribution of 50-50 and I do not mean only the economic, when one of the two carries the heavy load and the other is inconsiderate sooner or later comes relationship breakdown, you have to lear to set limits.
Dump his ass. It’s not worth the pain and stress you’re going through especially if you have a medical condition developing. A relationship should be each person doing whatever it takes to keep the relationship going and supporting the family. It shouldn’t be you giving 100 and he’s giving 0.
Do you have any family to help you?
My sister went through this with her significant other of 10 years. They have 2 kids together. In the 3 years I lived with them to help my sister with childcare and bills, he lost his job, found a new one then proceeded to lose it, this cycle repeated for 2 years until my sister kicked him out, took the kids and moved in with a friend.
WOW!!! When my husband got hurt at work a few years ago and had 4 knew surgeries after he recovered enough to not just lay in bed (3-4 months) and before he went back to work ( he was on disability for 3 years) he got up and did all the household chores while taking care of our toddler because we couldn’t afford daycare on his disability the only thing I had to do was cook for our family (he tried cooking and we all got tired of chicken nuggets and grilled cheese sandwiches). Now fast forward 10 years I’m back in school and he works full time, I’m home much more than he is( but I’m usually studying) he still helps with the chores on the weekends and when he’s not exhausted during the week. Your husband either needs to find a job or take care of the household and if you are both working he needs to still help with the household chores and kids. It is completely unfair. If he can’t find a job there are day labor places everywhere. It’s obviously already bothering you a great deal of you wouldn’t be asking this question; it’s time for you to sit him down and talk to him. You’ve got something going on medically that needs to be addressed, you’re going to work yourself to death of he doesn’t help out and you need to explain that to him.
Why dont u kick his ass out. No way i be taking this!
Why have childcare when he doesn’t work? If you have to do everything on your own you might as well divorce him and make if official. Legally become that single parent you basically are now. I’m sorry you’re going thru this
That is how it is because you allow it. Do you allow your children to walk all over you? Do you expect anything of them? If not, then why do you accept this from him? If so, then wtf are you doing?? People treat you how you allow them to. Demand more and move on if you don’t get it. It’s not about his boohoo depression. This is about the reality of the situation. The fact that you even brought that into it is telling. If you were drowning, would you make the excuse that his shoulder has been bothering him and die, or would you scream at him until he got tf off his ass and did something to save you? It’s very simple. I’ll say it again, you will be treated in the manner that you allow.
Leave him!! You are literally taking care of a man child. He’s home but doing absolutely nothing. That is sickening
Tell him to get off his ass and do something. Don’t give him an altimatum.
Literally in the EXACT same situation. Except I don’t have the health issues (sending lots of love). Unfortunately like some of the others here have suggested, we’ve been together 14 years so for me walking away isn’t something I feel I can just do at the drop of a hat. I did tell him that if he didn’t start stepping up that me and the kids will be gone and he’s been starting to help here and there so we shall see how it pans out. Stay strong momma.
I would get rid of him.you’re doing it all anyway. What do you need him for. Just another. Mouth to feed and pick up behind.
No kids here, so I cant speak for that, butt while my boyfriend didnt have a job, he was actively applying. I was working and paying bills and he was keeping up the house and actively applying for jobs. Even now while hes working, he does a majority of the housework and only ever expects me to cook (and only because I love it)
Theres no way I could deal with that.
He needs to do all of that shit while you’re working. PERIOD. Sit down and talk to him. Give him a list of shit to do. This is unacceptable and when he is working again, go get your mass checked out ASAP. And if he bails when you ask for help, change the locks he isn’t a benefit then he’s a problem and gotta go. As Mom’s we do always feel alone because most of do most of the work. We are women we multitask but this man…not okay.
Girl give him the ultimatum help or leave. And while he’s outta work he’s doing at minimum 1/2 of the chores and 80% of child care that way he still can job hunt and interview but im not paying for full time daycare if he’s sitting at home.
Remind me what you see in him.
Sounds like he’s meeting the expectations set for him meaning you have to communicate your needs and ask for help. It sucks to need to ask but having done everything up to this point means he’s doing what’s expected of him (and sounds like that’s not much). Ask for help ASAP. Good luck!
You need to drop the grown man child
NOPE. NOT a man. A man is not going to watch you struggle and do all that work by yourself, job or not.
gigolo!! Kick him out!!
Don’t just give him an ultimatum. He is obviously depressed, GET HIM HELP. Get him in to talk to a therapist, get him to try something, anything to help his depression. Trust me, it’ll only get worse and it will tear y’all apart because I’m sure he does feel like he’s trying, but it doesn’t seem like it to you. I can’t say it enough, he needs help. Find out what options are available. If he doesn’t have insurance, there are places that work off a sliding scale based on income. This is from experience. TRUST ME.
It’s hard to change something that he doesn’t want to change. A man is supposed to be the head of the family. He needs to find a job and find a way to keep it.
Your husband is very lazy, tell him to get off his ass and keep house while your out providing for your family
Ive been in one for a while and it does not get better so my advise to u is leave him and start a better life
Woman who are mothers know how to do it all! Get rid of him and keep on moving!
If this has been happening since you have been with him then I would say this is just how he is and I would tell him he needs to step up or you’re separating. And that’s really unfair. If this has come on all of a sudden then I would agree depression is adding to this. Either way that’s too much to handle for one person and I’d have a serious talk with him. You can’t go on forever like that.
There is nothing wrong with him being a stay at home dad but that is not what he is doing hun. You are supporting a bum and there’s no reason why she you should be paying for a child care if he is home doing nothing. There are no switched roles here, you are obviously in denial about your situation. Some real decisions need to be made because it sounds like you can survive without the extra mouth to feed and support and be just fine Ask yourself what your worth is and if he’s doing his part to fulfill that and if its not the answer you like kick him out and move on with life sis!
I know exactly how you feel right now and know what your going through as well, im going through the same and when it comes to me asking for help etc and so on i dont get it at all with my usless partner being around everyday allday its sickening
I left! Only thing you can do