This is my life 
my daughter is 4 1/2 and absolutely refuses to poop anywhere except in a pull up. We are currently working with a pelvic floor therapist but honestly I just feel so defeated about it
Had a hard time potty training our 3 1/2 year old son, finally I told him I was tired of dirty diapers and made him clean himself up that dirty diapers made me sick, after he had to clean himself up a few times without help he started going to the bathroom on his own. He said they made him sick too. This was the only thing that I could do to get him to stop the dirty diapers.
He is controlling you in this behavior. Unless something is wrong with him medically, get him check out by a doctor. See if someone has abused him in any way. It ALL checks out to the good, let the boy (or girl) clean their own poop up and that will stop in a heartbeat.
Sometimes it’s actually a dietary issue: my stepdaughter had same issue and after much testing it was a gluten and dairy issue. She was constipated until her body could hold it no more. Worth testing for.
So sorry you are going thru this. Must be heartbreaking. My little brother had the same issue 30 years ago before it was taboo first I hope you aren’t using pullups. Confuses kids. I hate pullups. 2nd, my mom had him start washing his own undies in the tub or toilet. Only thing that worked. Probably get a lot of backlash but that’s what worked.
Well he was trained so check for any medical issues if none then make that boy clean his soiled undies in the toilet I promise it won’t take many times… also if bed wetting becomes an issue, put a plastic protector on the bed and make the child get up, pull thebwet sheets have them wipe down thebprotector with baby wipes orblysol wipes then assist the child in putting new sheets on the bed. This may take a week or 2 but it definitely will work as well as teach them some independence and skills
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I smacked my child and scolded her. Never looked back, however check with paediatrics that is not leak through from constipation.
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My son was the same. Told him he couldnt go to kindergarten if he didn’t go in the potty. He never used a diaper again…the day before kindergarten started
Grand daughters twins both had the problem so bad one had blockage and ended up in the hospital. They hold and hold and hold and get blocked and when she pooped it went around blockage… But that is what they did poop their pants, so now this is from Dr. Phil ( He said there is only two things that kids can control, what goes in and what comes out.
I made my son clean his underwear himself every time he went, soon was potty trained
A family member’s child actually had a medical issue in their gastro system so before punishing or trying to correct, get him checked by a doctor. Might save you both frustration.
I wonder what changed. Has he had a sore bottom? Has something scared him? Did he slip getting on or off the toilet? Knowing what is happening will help know how to help him. Punishment might only prolong it.
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Try putting his diaper back on for a while, tell him when he’s ready to be a big boy and go potty like big boys do you will put his big boy underwear back on.
My son potty trained pretty early and when he was 5 he started pooping in his pants and hiding the underwear. I tried reasoning with him. Why are you doing it? What’s going on? I got mad - yelled threatened he’d lose privileges. He still did it. Finally I was so mad I said why? Do you want me to spank you? His response was you can if you want to.
My heart broke and I took a step back and I realized we had just gone through a bunch of changes. We had moved away from his grandfather who he adored. I started working nights so slept during the day and my roommate (his sitter) wouldn’t let him “bother me”. His pooping was to get my attention as bad attention was better than no attention in his 5 year old mind. 
.
After I realized he just wanted my attention. I made sure he knew he could come in my room even if I was sleeping anytime he just needed me. No more pooping in his pants after that. For us it was literally that easy to fix.
Hope your fix is that easy to. Definitely rule out emotional/physical stressors and if that doesn’t answer to the why I’d see the pediatrician to rule out medical issues and possible trauma. Hang in there mama!
It’s a control thing sometimes once they learn they will hold it…he may be doing so because it will get him attention and kids will do that whether the response is good or bad. Think of all your extra attention, sticker charts and rewards are having opposite outcome he will keep doing until you change how you respond. Try not responding and don’t clean him up right away in fact make him clean himself up. If he refuses say fine sit in it…I don’t care then ignore him. It sounds harsh but if you stick to it I’m sure he will straighten out.
Our oldest son was just too busy playing to stop and potty. Put him in the bathtub with his full under roos. He was gagging pulling them off. I plopped what i could in the toilet and handed underpants back to him to clean under bathtub faucet. Then he had to clean his legs etc. That was it, never again
I use to sit my son on the commode and gave him a book to read and then would leave him sitting for several minutes and he did finally get the hang of it.
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He may have encopresis. My youngest had it. Miralax worked well for her.
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My grandson had a lot of problems with bowel movements and constipation. After months and months of trying different things, we took him to a pediatric gastroenterologist. He started him on a program with medication and behavior modification. He straightened out but it took patience and time. He ended up having syndrome that toddlers can have. Hope you have success!
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My son does this occasionally, like once/twice a week, I make him clean up himself and underwear, but I know why he doesn’t want to stop playing long enough to go to toilet. I take whatever he is playing with away for a couple of days and he only gets it back after 2 days of using toilet, until next time.
First off, relax. You are not a bad mom and your child is going to be just fine. This is going to work out. I would seek medical advice, give prune or apple juice and follow up with positive reinforcement. No one wants to sit in or sleep in or wear their stinky poop. There’s a reason here. It’s all gonna be ok.
Not sure how you rewarded him but try a treasure box. Buy some toys from the dollar store. Let him know EVERY TIME he goes in the potty he gets to pick a prize. Also try watching him. When he try’s to be private take him to the potty. I had a friend her son use to go under the dining room table to do it. Maybe sit down and talk to him asking him why he chooses to go in his pants instead of the potty. My nieces son gets busy and doesn’t want to stop playing so he will potty in his pants. He is about the same age. Good luck. Some kids are harder then others.
Look up Super Nanny on FB. She has a segment on a young boy having the issues as your son. She is truly amazing, both with the children and parents. Good luck.
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My son is 5 and just did get fully potty trained in February. If he was fully potty trained and now regressed, is he around any babies or toddlers that he might be jealous of? " It’s ok for them to do it, then so can I." This was my son’s issue. We moved and he was fully potty trained 2 weeks.
The simple solution for constipation is drinking a hot liquid. For children it could be hot chocolate. For adults coffee or tea will do the trick.
Humans are different in bathroom habits. A former family member won’t go to the bathroom anyplace but home. Being gone most of the day he has a difficult time trying to plan his “working it out”.
Making a plan to go as early in the day is the best way. That gets it out of the way. Personally I try not to leave my house until my coffee has worked.
Some times they progress a little back words if there is something going on in family it happened to me and my son
My son started having real issues at 6 when in 1st grade. Dr said stress (usually at school). Ended with a fiber supplement and trying to stay calm. Eventually worked out
Have you made him clean out his own underwear? My mom said she did that with my brother and that was the end of it. Other than that it could be a life change recently or even sexual abuse that is a sign of it. But I’d say more likely it’s something that he can control
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I feel like there’s not enough information. Does he hide from you when he has to poop? Do you see him physically straining when he starts - does his face turn red or do you see him really bearing down? Have there been any big changes in your home - new sibling, new move/home? New daycare/school? What’s his diet like? Both my boys dealt with what the pediatrician called occult constipation. It apparently is a family trait in some families. The stools were extremely large and firm and would often clog the toilet. The doctor had me do a regimen of Milk of Magnesia over a 3 week period. It worked fast enough to clean them out, but slow enough as to not be extreme.
Put pullups on him until doctor. They are probably going to tell you he is severely constipated and suggest clean out with Miralax or enema. After that keep him on high fiber diet for awhile. His colon has to shrink itself from the the impaction and it will take awhile. I know from experience with my child.
He will do it mama don’t fret I’ve been there. Just remember they won’t go to college in diapers lol I promise. So sucks and I feel your pain I still have to wipe butts that are too old to be wiped by mommy. We will get there eventually. Sending love and hugs
Give fiber gummies and high fiber foods between now and appointment may be constipated may be it takes to long to get going and he is not patient enough on toilet
I’d try small toys/prizes wrapped up. He can choose one when he goes in the potty. I think there’s something about the “surprise element”. Good luck!!
Pooping in the toilet can be a scary time for them because the may feel like their losing a part of themselves. We did a poopy dance
Make him clean himself up with cool water!
Not cold but not warm either!
They don’t like to clean themselves when baby sister or brother doesnt!
You just tell him he is supposed to be a big boy!
Hope something helps
In some instances, I believe it is a control issue. It’s one of the first primal challenges a male child tries to exert over a female (mother)
Don’t want to take away from this post but maybe someone can help me too. My son is four and has autism and refuses to use the potty. Any advice?
Unless there’s a physical problem, a bowel movement takes effort and is a conscious choice. Maybe he should wear pull-ups to minimize the clean up. Also, he should be cleaning himself up after pooping.
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you are doing the right thing in seeing the pediatrician but if there is no medical reason then the first thing i would advise is to stop rewarding him for bad behavior - instead as others said make him clean it up-if that doesn’t work then find a punishment he really destest and use it
As a mom of a child that potty trained late, I get it. It’s frustrating and tiring. What I found was letting my kiddo know that it was OK. I got upset about it so much, I realized that wasn’t going to help. Does yours have constipation issues? Sometimes they can’t tell they have to go because of that. It takes a lot of patience for sure but you got this!
At 4-1/2 TALK WITH HIM. ASK him why and listen to his answer. If he is afraid of sitting on the commode (many are because the hole is so large) take him with you to the store and look for a “Transitional” Toilet Seat … it has a lid for a seat HIS SIZE and if you lift his seat, you have a seat for the adults. There is NO way for him to fall in. My immediate thought is that would be the problem … but absolutely ASK him.
He might be “overflowing “ , not really going in his pants
Some children hold it back and this happens
The first thing I thought of was sexual abuse.
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My son was only 3, but he still would not go poop on the potty. He would pee on the toilet since he was 2, but not poop. He would wait till bedtime, and want a diaper. One night he was asking for a diaper, so I knew he had to poop. I put him on the toilet and started reading a Mr Rogers, Going to the Potty book. I would make faces as I read, so he was laughing. He would all of a sudden realize what was happening, and want off the toilet, but I just kept reading and making faces. Long story short, he pooped in the toilet, never to have a diaper on again. He was afraid of going on the potty, but Mr Rogers talks about this in the book.
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Ive had a few of mine go threw this. The best thing I did was make them stay in their dirty undies for awhile. They DID NOT like it and they stopped doing it rather quickly.
One of my grands would not use the bathroom in a store. The automatic flushing scared her to death. We carried a potty in our vehicle. Someone n the bathroom one day told her daughter to hurry and move or it would suck her down. It took a conversation and her 13 year older sister taking her with her to the man eating potty to get that out of her head. So yes talk to him and u may need ‘other help’ besides you to help him with it. No shame in asking him why. But you have to accept his answer as a true problem. No matter how silly DO NOT LAUGH. Take it and find solutions for his unique problem.
Does he still fit on a potty training little toilet? Maybe if he just sits there naked everyday with a game or a book or even watching tv and you make a big deal when he goes? Does he have a new baby sitter, or another big change in his routine? IDK, does he start school in the fall? Tell him we don’t want the other kids to see him poop in his pants because he is a big boy now, and big kids only use the potty. I’m sorry, it’s so frustrating when you only want the best for your kids and something doesn’t click. This will work itself out. Hang in there mom, you are doing a great job
When a child does this, he gets your attention. You gently clean him up, and it’s a nice time for him. He doesn’t have to share you with anyone. Please tell him he has to clean himself up now since he’s a big boy.This will take away the pleasant potty time he has with you, this is what my child’s therapist told me to do, it worked.
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He is too old to be doing that and he knows better. I would make him clean the crap out of his underwear every time and I bet he will start using the potty!!!
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First you start potty training way before he is that old. My kiddos were trained before the age of 2. Boys included.
That is to old to be doing that , maybe it might happen once or a couple of times , but it may be for attention , let him know you don’t like it and you thought he was a big boy now, but guess he is a baby, and needs to wear a diaper again, and maybe he won’t get to go to school, if he is looking forward to it, maybe he is afraid of starting school, and is doing this with hope that he won’t have to go to school? What time a day is this happening? And how often, is he still takeing naps? Are you feeding raisins? Good luck.
You need to make double sure it’s not an emotional response to something that may have happened. Unfortunately even our closest family and friends can do bad things when given a chance. Sorry if this upsets you, not my intention but children sometimes regress when a traumatic situation has happened
I used to have him try through out the day and while he sat there I would read to him and show him the pictures, other would look at a book. It helped him go.
I had this problem with my son He was 4 to 5 years old. And would hide behind a chair and poop his pants. I was beside myself. I’d put him in a warm bath. Clean him up pj on and off to bed. Then one day my husband said. No more warm baths. Don’t get mad. Just say you had an accident we have to clean this up. But with a cold bath. After a few of those and one time dipping him in a cold river Not freezing he was cured. But don’t get mad. Just say we have to clean up this mess.
Since he had no issues prior to now, check for medical issues, have a long talk with him for possible red flags, be sure to explain how yucky it is to have accidents, let him know he gets to clean himself up when he has accidents including the underwear, and never berate him for having accidents, it’ll just make it worse. I hope you find answers to his problem.
Make him hand wash his drawers out himself. He’s not going to like doing that so he’ll never do it again for sure.
My son went through a traumatic experience and went from fully potty trained to completely not. His therapist and dr said that a sometimes if a child feels like they lost control at some point, they will try to exercise control in point of their lives that they can. Like using the bathroom, eating, etc.
I had same experience. I asked him “do you want me to take you to the doctor?” in frustration. When his reply was yes I felt horrible! Turned out my child had very severe encopresis. It was a long road of recovery but it all turned out well. He never complained of tummy aches or anything, just accidents in his pants. He’s in his 30s now and I still feel guilty.
Have him clean out his own poopy pants. It won’t take long. If he’s responsible for dunking his underwear in the toilet to remove the poop. I have used this method to train a few boys. Of course you must use love in teaching him. It works and it works fast.
When you see the pediatrician ask about encopresis, and to have a full evaluation done.
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I would try a different dr . And if you want to wait for your dr I’d try MiraLAX and fiber supplement. If he does have issues this will help ! If it is just him being stubborn then and only after finding out there not a medical reason I would make him walk around with it in his pants ! My nephew used to make him self throw up if he didn’t like something or just didn’t want to eat it . He did it so much they were gonna take him to the dr but I lottery could see it was him trying to control everyone! I was his Babur for awhile and one day had enough told him if he throw up he was gonna wear those close all day never did it again
Our son did this at two years old when his sister was born! Doctor said tell him he has o take a bottle of he’s going to be a baby, and that little change put a stop to it!
My 7yr old niece still shits herself because she doesnt wanna pause her TV show. I told my mom she needs to just have her help with cleaning up her own mess.
Could be constipation! My daughter did that… Cucumbers healed the problem
Make the child rinse out own underwear in toilet. Stopped my family member from ever pooping in pants again.
What worked for me; it’s ok if he poops in his pants but “you have to clean yourself afterwards”. Here are the things he had to do, get news paper lay sit down on the floor. Take his dirty off. Wipe himself until all clean, (thank God for wipes), take his dirty, newspaper and wipes place it is a trash bag. Throw away. Then go back to the bathroom to make sure nothing got left behind. Wash hands all done. My son did this 4x. Then he was done. I just observed and made sure he followed those steps. Other friends followed through and this worked as well. Don’t make a big deal about it. Tell him that when he decides to use the toilet you will help him clean himself up. It will happen. Normal Mom. Self regulation is learning how to. When he is done cleaning himself up, he will go to the toilet.
Unless there is a physical problem going on, I suggest you have your son clean out his own underwear that he dirties.
Children will do this when they feel their life is out of control, or if there is abuse, especially sexual abuse. My daughter reverted when she was 2. At that time, I gave birth to my second child and we moved. She felt out of control and reverted back into diapers for a time, then decided to hold her poop for a month or so.
IT sounds like he is doing this for a reason, maybe to get attention.
My son did that but they said it was because he was having issues…his colon was longer than it should be so when he had to go it came on quickly and he could not control it…definitely have him checked by his pediatrician to see if there isn’t another problem
4 is a very young child. Count the years hes pooped in a diaper vs the ones hes now not allowed to. Good advice re any medical issue to be explored. 4 yr old brains develop at different stages. Be kind. Be patient. This time is so short. Hes a tiny human version of you. He wont be pooping in his pants in 1st grade 
Someday you too will need help not pooping in yours. All will work out. Relax.
Make sure he is medically ok my nephew had the same problem and then he was diagnosed with duchennes dystrophy
My grandson did this, my daughter changed his milk to soy milk or Silk milk, problem solved
What consistancy is his feces? Constipation could be the issue… when the bowel gets overly full the sphincter muscle can get blocked open. It will allow softer stool or diarrhea to pass uncontrolled. I’d start with glycerin suppository and prune juice, and metamucil to clear the bowels completely.
My daughter was 9 or 10 when she was still pooping in her pants but she would pee in the toilet. Her very favorite thing to do was play games on the computer. So I took the computer away from her and told her she couldn’t have it back until she started pooping in the pot. A week and a half later she was pooping in the pot on her own. Problem
Solved.
Next time you poop, let him flush it down and give you a piece of candy (or sticker) and then tell him to tell you when he poops so you can flush it and give him the reward
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I took care of a little girl older than that and she did the same thing. Like you her Mom and I tried everything. Her Mom finally took her to a doctor and she had a problem and it was taken care of. Go to the doctor and find out what they say!
I used the book Potty Train your child in one day by Dr. Richard Fox. It worked.
My sisters boy was doing this and she started stripping him down in the yard and spraying him down with a hose and after a few times of that he quit
Go to your Dr, have him checked out. My grandson had a blockage that caused this.
This was us 19 years ago. Our son was fully trained at 2 1/2. Then he had an extra large bowel movement that scared him. So I chose not to fight it. He wanted a pull-up to do his duties and eventually before k he was completely trained. So patience and he won’t be 18 and still not potty trained. Lol
I second seeing his Dr and even a second opinion, my son’s Dr said he was constipated over and over until we end up in the ER cos his appendix was inflamed, it would swell and push on his intestines
Has something new happened in his life, or something tragic happen? Or has someone new come into his life, or a change in child care? Is he displaying any kind of changes in his behavior? If so maybe this is a cry for help, check it out!
My daughter was the same way. She eventually got over it. Don’t stress. It will be okay. As long as everything is ok at the doc, I’m sure they will tell you the same.
When my grandson was 3 his dad tried potty trading him and no luck. He loved thomas the train. I took him out and he picked out 3 of his favorite trains. I hung them high on the wall under wall lights. If he potties in the potty he got one. If he peepee in pants i took it away and hung it back up. He had to earn it back. If he didn’t wet the bed he got the 2nd one. If he wet the bed he lost both 1 and 2 train and had to earn them back. The wholy grale train was the fire engine train. That if he pooped in the potty and didn’t in his pants he got that. If he did he lost all 3 trains and had to start all over. After he got tje super amazing fire engine train (his words) he never peed or pooped in his pants again. This took 8 days and he got it
There could be a underlying problem to why he’s regressing. Best idea would be to discuss with the pediatrician.
Could be regression if there have been any huge changes recently. I also learned that it could be a fear factor of releasing (particularly feces) into the toilet- I discovered that with my 2 boys with the help of their preschool teacher. What helped greatly was my kids being in a headstart preschool that had a bathroom in the classroom. When they saw that all their peers were entering into the bathroom behind child sized closed door so the teachers could still look over and check/ easily hear if help was needed in the facilities …i think that was the changing factor.
The other thought i have and particularly if preschool isn’t an option for you, is that when you notice your child trying to hide to do his business…move him into the bathroom and place him onto the toilet. What i did with my boys is make it sort of a fun experience like encourage him to go poo with plop plop noises or something like that…it helps to curve the fear factor if there is one. If that doesn’t work, it may help to notify his pediatrician to see if there may be other things going on or helpful techniques. Most of all, please try not to be so hard on yourself! It can be stressful and depressing to think maybe you’re doing something wrong or that only your child is getting behind or moving on more slowly than others. I get it as I’ve also been there. I have heard other parents boast about how their child was potty trained at a very early age and encroached upon - literally had my parental boundaries overstepped upon in this matter with my 3rd child. I assure you there are many other parents who have and are experiencing very similar situations and just because your child is taking some more time to achieve a developmental milestone which all children do in their own time, doesn’t make you any less of a good parent.
My son tried to soak his in the commode but ended up just flushing them. Daddy was not a happy camper
Get him checked at the pediatricians first. My son had the same problem, started at 4 1/2. Turns out he was so backed up, constipated, that he couldn’t tell when he was going. Sounds like it is a pretty common problem with young boys.
Has he been around a new adult? Talk to your son.
One of my sons did the same at the same age I started talking about when he would start school, and that teachers don’t really like to deal with poopy pants and that most kids in school don’t poop in there pants anymore. That sometimes accidents happen and that’s ok but big school aged kids don’t poop their pants. It worked with him but same thing did not work with my nephew.
It’s a power struggle of some sort. Another has he had any upheavals or changes in his life? My daughter would hold k to her poop and wouldn’t go in the potty. Start noticing the timing of his BM’s keep a log (haha) of when he goes and notice the pattern. Once you’ve got that down sit him in the toilet about 5-10 min before he goes. Get a book and a step stool sit him on the pot with the step stool elevating his legs with his knees in his abdomen. He can’t hold in to his poop if you do that it relaxes all those muscles and he can’t hold it in. Don’t know 30 min potty breaks it’s becoming to much of a focus for him and you. Take a break with all that while you chart his poop schedule. Start fresh and don’t make a big deal put him on the pot prop his legs up and let him read his book (or maybe make that special screen time) and he’ll go. It’s time consuming b/c you need to be at home by the toilet every day until this gets sorted out. Seriously it’s becoming a power struggle take a breath and remember eventually it’ll work no adult (normal healthy adult) poops in their pants. It’ll be ok I went through the same thing she’s 12 and poops in the toilet like w champ. I just had to learn to back off and make it matter of fact
When my son did that, I put his poopy pants in the toilet. I cleaned him up, and then told him to clean his poopy pants in the toilet. He never pooped in his pants again.
Maybe some extra attention . Some love attention no matter how they get it. My grandson is having same issue.
My mother got a little keen switch as long u know there is no medical problem it worked on my 6 grandsons
Has something about the potty itself scared him? Something about a potty on TV or a movie? God bless you.
Regression happens more than you might would think and it has more to do with where the child is at versus the parent most time’s. Each child is different and will eventually get it. I wouldn’t make too big of an issue out of it. Focus on rewarding good behavior and potty habits. He will eventually come around.
It’s emotional
He needs attention of some kind…
He gets it when he does this…
And you work which is hard too…
Maybe take him with you to every room you go
Pick him up and take him
Keep him near you
on kitchen countertop while cooking
Or stand him on chair near you
He needs you and don’t be rush- I know not easy
Play with him too
Glad your taking him to Doctor make sure nothing physical
Have u tried the frootloops cereal trick. Put same amount circles in toilet & if he can hit them all “works on aim as well” he wins a prize. Bag of prizes 1 his choice
Both my sons did this at 4. They are grown and can’t tell me why they did it. One stopped o. His own and the other I took to the dr. He did a rectal exam. He didn’t do it again.