Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/how-to-get-my-8-year-old-stepchild-out-of-our-bed/12864
Leave it to her dad.
Your an authority figure! If your afraid the child will be mad you’ve lost! Put your foot down now!
Rather than making it a negative (you can’t sleep here) make it a positive!
(This is your room! How exciting to sleep in your bed! How cool are your pillows!)
Maybe let her do some decorating
Try to do something fun in her room that will make her excited to have her own space. If she gets up and comes to your room in the middle of the night, go back to her room with her and put her back to bed in there every single time
Maybe give her room a makeover and get her excited about her space
First of all. Dad needs to step up and talk to her too. Second of all she is not to young to be asking questions and for you to be honest with your answers.
He needs to talk to her and make things clear
If she’s hearing misinformation at school about it, it’s time to have a truful, age appropriate, talk about it. There are some very good books with illustrations that are age appropriate. Tell the truth without being graphic. There are 9 year old girls starting their cycles and information is never a bad thing. It’s all about delivery. Good luck, Momma! It’s such a sensitive subject and I know you will get varying opinions and hopefully find the right way for your family.
Trust me she’s not to young to have the talk especially since she is curious but it sounds like you both need to sit her down and explain that the grownups need their personal time so you can continue to have a healthy relationship and tell her that she is a big girl now and she needs to set an example for her little siblings
Well yeah it’s just inappropriate . Wondering if a little counseling would help as well? That would have to be up to the primary parent of course but I don’t think its just she’s too old, it’s 100% inappropriate for a couple to be sleeping with a child on the regular. I like the idea of trying to get her excited about her room makeover. Also by 8 you’d think by explaining her friends aren’t sleeping in mommy and daddies room and would want to be like her friends and be “normal.”
Maybe start with her own bed mattress on the floor in your room then have a count down on an agreed number of sleeps where she checks the times off. Then when she’s is out of days her bed goes back in her room and that is where she sleeps. Then I used a reward where If mine slept there for a number of days then they got to do something fun with mom and dad (go to the park, make ice cream, s’mores by the fire after brother goes to bed, etc.). Something to look forward to but knows that her time is limited and can see her days left and can prepare herself as she counts down. But then just remember you have to stick firm to your ‘plan’. And make sure your husband is included in all conversations with her so she knows you both are on the same team and will follow the same rules. Good luck mama! She is lucky to have you as her bonus mom. You got this.
Tell her at her age it’s not appropriate for her and her dad to be in the same bed.
If she’s old enough to ask questions she’s old enough for answers. Or continue letting her get her info from kids at school
Personally I’d tell her dad he need to step up . And tell her she cannot be in are bed no more . That she is a big girl and needs to be in her own bed . Period and try and talk to her and find out what the cause of why she doesn’t want to be in her own bed . And maybe if you can get to the root to the problem why . Than maybe you can fix the issue. Maybe she’s scared of the dark . And can get a night light . Ik a lot of kids are afraid of the dark . Or maybe she’s missing her dad not getting enough time with him . And wanting that bond with him even if it’s just sleeping. There’s usually something behind as to why kids want to sleep in bed with there parents. So best way is get to the root of the cause.
The easy and simple way make her room with a big bed … and you guys go sleep over at her room when she fall sleep… go to ur owns bed … easy as at …
There is a book called me and my body in the children’s book section of the major book stores.
It goes like this: “child, from now on, you will sleep in your own bed”
“Because I said so”
Wash rinse repeat.
You’re the adult. Stop trying to reason and parent xx
Just not appropriate-make it clear she’s not in trouble but big girls need their own beds. Do it before DCF makes a visit because children talk and often to teachers who have a duty to report.
Trying having her sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag for a while then gradually move the bag farther away.
It’s time. If you both agree it’s time you have to be on the same page about it and stick to it. I agree that maybe a big girl room update would help get her excited and make it into a positive expirience. Also if you are not willing to talk to her about this stuff and Dad isn’t either someone really should. I’d rather her have the correct info than the wrong info. I know their has to be body anatomy stuff on Youtube.
Tell your husband he gets to explain what morning wood is. I bet you he will nip that in the butt real quick! On a serious note, go shopping and let her pick out decor for her room and ask her what color she wants to paint it.
Let her pick out a new comforter set.
It’s not inappropriate for a child that age to be educated about sex and body parts. It has to be done in an age appropriate way, of course. But if she doesn’t even understand body parts, you’re overdue for some education. You need to start talking with her and showing her clinical diagrams. If you don’t meet her curiosity in a healthy and educational way, it’s going to turn into an unhealthy obsession and learning things that are above her age level from friends.
As for sleeping in her own room, you and dad need to work together on this or she’s going to think it’s all you. I would start by putting a cot in your room for her to sleep on, and still let her cuddle in the bed with you while she’s awake. Get her some pretty new pillows or blankets to make it exciting. Maybe put a child safe indoor tent or fort over it. Let her get used to it that way first. Then when she’s more comfortable sleeping by herself, let her help you pick out some new bedding or decorations for her room and decorate it together. Give her uplifting encouragement without pushing. Make having her own room to sleep in exciting.
Pls pls explain to me why it is ever inappropriate for a child and or daughter as I have four girls to sleep with their dad ? Mine are 10 and 8 and sleep with him and or us often when he is home. I see absolutely no problem with it nor it being inappropriate.
That being said I do understand the needed space and some parents feel their room is for them and them only and that’s ok too. We all do things differently .
I would get her excited about maybe picking out her own bedding and maybe a few Knick knacks for her room . A cool night light ect.
She should be learning about boundaries and private/personal space. Not only about being respectful of you guys also If someone were to make her uncomfortable she needs to know it’s okay to have her own personal boundaries and space. DH Needs to be speaking to her, all this shouldn’t be in you. Stress what a big kid she’s becoming, let her redecorate her pre-teen bedroom. Good luck
Why isn’t her Dad taking more time reinforcing this directly to her? It’s gonna be tough but you’re gonna have to put her in her own bed and when she wanders back to your room (maybe at least in the beginning both of you) gently take her back to her bed tuck her in, reassure her that you’re both there and love her very much and that she needs and deserves her own space to sleep and grow and that you guys need your own space to sleep as well. Just be consistent. It will be hard but if you absolutely stick with it together, it will work. Good luck.
Time for Dad to set his foot down and solidly kick out of your bed.
Perhaps get her new sheets, duvet, pillow for her bed…wrap them up as if a present…Happy Sleep in your own bed day’ Make it fun…new teddy bear, new jamas …Ask her if any of her friends sleep.in their mum and dad’s bed…ask their names…then tell her you are going to ring their mums up (of course you wont) to talk about it…As for her questions about 'stuff '…you can answer at her level, then move onto something else…best of luck
Maybe try having one night a week she can sleep with you. Or move it out to the living room so it’s more like a slumber party and a special sort of thing. And then eventually not can fade out.
Ask her if she wants to sleep in this room (you and your husband’s room), she says yes, say okay, but we are taking the bed and putting it in your room. We will sleep in there. You can have this room (with her bed). lol
Uhhh yeah… Nope. Out.
For me babies are in their own crib no later than 6-12m.
Dad needs to be the one to put his foot down and say no you did your part and quite eloquently at that.
Dad needs to take this one on. Does she have her own room? Get her some new bedding, and some LED lights. Jazz it up a bit. Then he needs to just tell her that she’s going to sleep in her own bed now. On another note, if she’s asking those questions, and you already know she’s getting info at school…it’s definitely time to have “the talk”. Yall also need to be talking about puberty and periods, as some girls start as early as 8-9.
Her dad needs to tell her it’s time to sleep in her own bed. Period. End of story.
We told our three year old big girls sleep in there big girls beds. .
Try telling her the truth… guaranteed she already knows the truth and knows your being dishonest. Kids are smarter than you this.
Besides. At 8 yr old… UNFORTUNATELY she SHOULD know about this stuff…
Keeping it a secret is the best way for them NOT to come to you SHOULD there be a problem…
Quit saying no State NO and stick to it and have Daddy state it too, stick to your guns
Has she seen a doctor for separation anxiety?
She might just want to be close to her dad since her bio mom isn’t around.
I’m just asking because my daughter who will be 8 years old in December has separation anxiety with me.
So, she still sleeps in our room, we just put her in her own bed on the opposite side of the room.
let her help n pick out things redecorate her room n tell her shes grown up little girl now n cant sleep w mommy n daddy
We never did co-sleep (I’m a heavy sleeper and was TERRIFIED I’d kill her- happened to one of my classmates) … but as she got older we did handle things differently.
She got to pick her room- bed, bed set, decor, stuffed animals, got a nice nightlight, etc.
On Fridays and Saturdays she gets to have a sleepover in the living room with no bed time
We keep her routine the same- brush teeth at 8, “quiet time” (she has a TV, so she can watch in her room with sound low and lights off snuggled in bed) from 8-830 then lights out and to sleep.
She enjoys having her own space. She knows my room is my personal space, but if she knocks she can still come in. I reciprocate and knock before I go into her room as well.
Good luck Mama. This job isn’t easy, that’s for sure❤
Maybe look at a couple of studies with her about why it isn’t good to co sleep with children after a certain age?! Both you and your husband sit down with her and explain that after a certain age it’s not ok to sleep with your parents anymore, as your body changes, those things should be private, while talked about openly. And then be done with it, she doesn’t sleep with you guys anymore. Don’t let her. She’s old enough to know what yes and no mean. Get her a night light, we used a small radio and played music in our kids rooms when they were young.
Why are you having these convos? If dad agrees, he should be the one to explain this to her. You saying she can’t cosleep with her dad will set you two up as adversaries in her mind.
Dear god women, you can talk about bodily functions in both males and females in age appropriate terms. The environment that we are now raising children is completely different from when you were raised. If you don’t give her the facts and truths she needs she will get misinformation from her friends yes even at 8yrs old, because other kids have parents and older siblings that talk about it. Talk to her!
I would start with putting a mattress on the floor in your room. Then slowly transition her to her room. Or, alternatively, start sleeping in her bed and get up after she falls asleep.
Been through this myself with my 10 year old stepson his was due to sever anxiety But I had enough of the lack of privacy so he stood firm with him and my partner worked on this with him, it took about 2 weeks of being persistent & consistent but he’s now in his own bed every single night. We also explained that other kids his age don’t sleep with their parent.
She is too old to be sleeping in your bed. Answer her questions as simply but truthfully as possible. I agree with everyone saying to fix up her room for her. You and your husband need your own space. Good luck!
Attention everyone… No one’s mind is in the gutter. Let’s just think logically. Kids sleeping w their parents is never ok. Beyond age 3… Yeah. Weird. Kids need to learn boundaries and privacy. That being said… To the OP-if she’s been exposed already, now IS the time to explain things to her. Ask her how much she knows and gently go from there
Maybe she isn’t comfortable in her own room/bed. Try taking her shopping to pick out sheets, etc. Help her create her space.
my daughter done this and i made her a pallet on the bedroom floor. she eventually moved to her bedroom.
I think this is one of the few situations it’s ok to go old school. Put her in her room and good night. I don’t care if you get mad you’ll get over it or cry tomorrow at bedtime again
I agree it’s time for her to sleep in her own room however if she’s asking questions is better she get the answers from you or her dad than leaning from an outsider… just my two cents…
If you both agree, then you both need to have the conversation with her. Have her pick out new bedding and maybe redecorating her room might get her more excited about it!
you and your husband both need to sit down with her and be honest and truthful, she knows more then you think and it is better for her if she hears it from the both of you, together
Sleeping bag on the floor she’s gonna get sick of it an M.D. go to her own bed
He needs to handle it. It’s not fair to make you the bad guy
Tell her that it’s important for you and your husband to get time alone. Take her to the store to pick out a cool set for her bed. Wall decals would be awesome too and maybe a night light. I also want to add that she’s not too young to know basic sex ed. If it was taught to me at that age it would’ve saved me a lot of pain. I’d also teach her before her school friend teaches her the wrong things. I was told by a cousin that sex was a game that was fun because we got to hide it from grown ups. That’s how it all started and if I had known the basics it could’ve been stopped.
I think her dad should be the one to tell her she is not allowed to sleep in your bed. Kids sometimes resent a step parent telling them what they can and can’t do.
I have an 8 year old step daughter that likes sleeping in our room (on the floor though). We give her melatonin kids gummies and she falls asleep in her bed before its bedtime.
I co-sleep with my 8 year old daughter, but only when Daddy isn’t home. He’s a trucker, so she’s with me most of the time. She has her own bed and room, just prefers me. I told her last week, I’m done! I need my own space, I want to sleep naked, I want to not have parts that aren’t mine in places that are lol. And I said it just like that. Guess where she’s been the last few days. In her own bed!! Sometimes you just gotta be blunt with them.
Did this come about after her parents split up? If so, it could be due to separation anxiety. My siblings and I went through that after our parents split up. Maybe he can start a bedtime routine with her. He can tuck her into bed, and spend a little one on one time just talking. If she wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders into your room, walk her right back to her room and reassure her that you’re there if she needs you in an emergency, but right now you all need to get a good night’s rest. It may be tough in the beginning, but if consistent, shouldn’t take too long to get her in the routine of sleeping in her own bed.
So… Your husband needs to be the one to have this conversation with her. Otherwise it just makes you look like the evil step mom
If you dont want her to be misguided or confused then blimmin teach her in an appropriate manner…get her mother on board too and explain exactly what you mean to her, dont let the other 7yo be her teacher cause that will only cause trouble…
She’s too old. Period. And she is old enough to understand exactly that. Be firm and consistent. She can no longer sleep in your bedroom.
Have her dad set the boundary to take the pressure off you
I can’t really give much good advice on the bed situation, other than you and your husband both need to talk to her about it. United front so you’re not the bad guy.
But. As far as her being to young to talk about the other stuff. I’m sorry but you have to be ahead of her peers. She is already getting info (not likely even correct given ages) from them. The older she gets the more kids start to discuss these things. Please don’t let her formative thoughts on sex come from a bunch of adolescent boys. Be truthful, factual.
There is nothing wrong with an 8 year old sleeping in there parents bed, none of you want to sleep alone so why should she, she is not going to learn bad things by it. Parents who don’t believe in co sleeping should not shame it like it is something dirty honestly. But with that said you obviously don’t feel that way so have her help to design her own room, maybe a different paint color, a new grown girl bed if she needs one, a new comforter that she picks out. At first it will take time but don’t give up just take baby steps. If she falls asleep in your bed take her to hers, eventually she will start staying in her own bed. She is almost to the age where on her own she will start wanting privacy. Good luck to you because there will be a few sleepless nights but eventually she will be in her own bed, make sure it’s dad that carries her to bed that way if she wakes up your not the bad guy.
My 5 year old still tries, and her one year old brother is breastfed, I tell her make a pallet on the floor next to my bed.
We never let our kids sleep with us unless they were sick or had a bad dream so I’m not sure how much help I’ll be…but maybe try letting her pick out special things for her room…help her make the space hers… My kids shared a room for awhile when they were younger (I have a son and daughter and this was up until my son was maybe 5 and my daughter was 3) and it was difficult for my daughter to sleep in her own room when we moved to a bigger place. It helped to let her pick out decorations for her room.
He needs to be the one to make the rule. Stand by it.
Does she have a particular comfort toy like a blanky or teddy to help with separation anxiety and to stay in her own bed?
This might be a reach but maybe a kitty or puppy something she can bond with that can sleep in her room with her?
Anything to get some personal space lol. I understand. Maybe even a pet bunny in her room but you could also give melatonin a try to help her fall asleep easier in her own bed
Breaking out of co sleeping is the hardest job! Hope it works out for the best. Also I agree with anyone saying have her dad talk to her about it so you don’t become the “bad guy”
It’s his place to talk to her
We tried talking about the fears and then doing a program of them going in their own bed, cuddles, etc then check every ten minutes. We allowed if they woke up in the night that they could sleep on our floor, not in the bed anymore. It’s normal at this age to have a ton of fears around bed and dark and monsters and stuff. Nice bath, no screens before bed, a story drink snack bed. I encourage you to encourage this child to be independent… I think his behavior is normal.
Set down with your husband and the child and see if having her own smaller bed beside your bed with her
My 6, 8 and 9 year old sleep in bed with me almost every night. Granted, their father passed away a year ago and I think it’s just a comfort thing for them to sleep with me (which I whole heartedly don’t mind…) but then again, we’ve always been a really close family.
I would just have her dad talk to her. It may be easier for him and her mother to be the bad news bearer than for you! Good luck tho and I hope it’s an easy transition
Make her room really cool to where she wants to be in there.
Did you just have a baby though? Does your child sleep in the bed? I could see how it’s unfair if that’s the case… everyone needs their space
I went through this same thing with my step daughter and there is sometimes no way around it but being honest. I would say you are to old to be sleeping with us. I can see if she has a bad dream or something like that but be honest because she is to big.
Have her dad deal with the bed issue.
May I offer my opinion. If she is old enough to have questions and be curious, she’s old enough to have an honest answer. Kids don’t need to feel that the human body is something shameful or secretive. If you’re not super comfortable with how to word things, perhaps pick up some age appropriate books about the subject. So many kids start puberty young these days, and her body is a miracle and she should understand how amazing it is and that it is something to be valued. But it isn’t dirty to know about it.
Also, allowing her to come to you and trust you to give her the answers and tools she needs is much better than her getting those answers elsewhere. It’s also okay to admit to her that you feel she’s too young to understand but you’ll do your best. Just answer her and let her continue to come to you as her questions get bigger and deeper. Plus, you don’t want an untrustworthy person giving her any info at all.
Since bio mother isn’t in the picture, your bonus baby is looking to you to be her everything. I bet she’s amazing. And what she is asking isn’t honestly inappropriate. Why would she not want to know more? Those are “your” hang ups not hers. She’s just ready to learn more before you’re ready for the next step. Keep it very technical, the same way you would explain how anything else works. As if you were telling her how her toes bend lol.
First, have your hubs step up and put his foot down. Sec bd, find out why she doesn’t want to sleep in her own room. Is she afraid, she’s afraid something will happen to her dad? You said mom isn’t in the picture, not sure if she has a fear dad will leave, too? I’d also just address her questions as they come up. My son (only) is 5, he sees us both naked (two moms) and 99% of the time doesn’t even pay attention. He asked where his other mom’s penis was and me what a bra is. We just answer in age appropriate but truthful answers. I’m not suggesting you/hubs be naked in front of her. I’d just discuss body autonomy and privacy and answer any questions she may have (erections can happen to men when they sleep, just like some people snore in their sleep. It can be embarrassing for you to see, but also for daddy, that’s why it’s important for you to sleep in your own room and knock before coming into our room).
I never had this problem as I have never let my children sleep in my bed with me. They have always slept in their bed. However, my parents had this problem with my youngest sister. It finally came to her getting her monthly for the first time at 10 that my dad freaked out and put a stop to it. My sister was always babied though. I was raised that it was unacceptable for a child to share the same bed as a parent and that it is best to make them sleep on their own from the beginning. That way you don’t have this problem later on. Kinda the same problem with pacifiers. Don’t give it to the baby and they won’t be dependent on it to self sooth.
Watch the episodes of Jo Frost …. Super Nanny. She addresses this with her family, and has great success. Discuss this with the child calmly the morning that you’re going to do the separation. Let her know that there will be a reward of her choice if she sleeps in her bed all night for one night, then increase it to three nights, then increase it to a week. If she gets up to come in the room simply state it’s bedtime and then bring her back to her room. If she gets up again don’t say a word and walk her back to her room. Be prepared to repeat this process for as many hours as she is strong-willed. Your husband needs to be on board with us. The key is to not speak with her when she is acting out. She will eventually fall asleep out of exhausted and stay in her bed all night. Reward her when she willingly stays there
I’ve had to kick my kids out of my bed many times at older ages. Here’s the best trick I found, but mind you, both my kids are scared of the dark and have nightmares.
Make a project of you both helping them decorate their room to help them feel comfortable sleeping there and making it their special place!
I’ve had to redo this process whenever we’ve moved but night lights or comfort accessories, dang I even got my kids cats, it works really well and makes them happy to have their own space.
I did this with my ex boyfriend daughter too, worked on her as well. Just give her a reason to be happy about it
If she’s asking questions then she’s too old. Get her some age appropriate books on the human body.
You may have to let her sleep on a pallet in you room, but don’t make it comfortable; ie: make sure her room is the nicer option. Try rewards for sleeping in her room, like stars for each night and when she gets a week she gets a small prize.
Wow this is a tough one. She is too young to know what happens to the man in the mornings. Dad definitely has to set the rule
Why are you worried about her being mad? She’s 8. She’ll get over it. Or she won’t. But who’s running this show? Sleep in your own bed. Goodnight.
I would maybe let her sleep in her own bed, but still in your room. If you don’t like that idea, just tell her it’s time to sleep in her own bed. Get nightlights, maybe let her pick out the bed she wants, let her pick how she wants her room to look, so that it can be the most comfortable place to sleep for her, anything that makes it easier…
I’d make her room special for her and have her wanting to sleep in it. Maybe have her pick out a special stuffy as well…
And then set ground rules. If you are scared in the night then call for us or come in our room, we will talk and comfort you and then tuck you back in your bed.
Reiterate she is a big girl now and needs to sleep in her own bed now, for her safety and well being as well.
Make a bed for her on the floor. Tell her she can sleep there if she really wants to sleep in your room. I did that with my kids because they both wanted to sleep with us. Eventually the didn’t like sleeping on the floor and stayed in their beds.
I’m having same issue with my daughter crawling into our bed. She is 8. We just started locking our door in which I HATE in case there is emergencies. I have tried decorating her room, new bed set that she picked out, leaving hallway light on for her as her lamp is to bright. Last night she woke up crying she was scared, I let her crawl into bed and then took her back into her room about 1.5hr later. She stayed up all night. It’s tough but you are not alone. We co sleep with out 1yr old as it has been nice with breastfeeding and my anxieties having a new baby again. So it gets pretty tight, even in our king sized bed.
The best time to talk to them is when they start asking!… regarding the sleeping alone you should start letting her know that as soon as she turns eight she has to sleep on her own bed mentally prepared her so she knows what to expect when she turns eight and have her dad tell her that too
Have her dad tell her she has to sleep in her own bed in her own room and you didn’t need to sit and talk with her will be starting her monthly better for you to tell her instead of her friend
If she’s asking she’s old enough to talk to just do it on an 8 year old level.
Don’t have to go all national geographic on her or maybe lol
Correction you do need to talk
Are you kidding me?? This is a real question/post? Tell her to get her but in her own bed and go to sleep.
She’s not too young to know about these things as long as the explanations are age appropriate. Not knowing can be dangerous. With that said, put a mattress on your floor for her to begin the transition.
Idk what to do about getting her out of your room. But this is a great book for girls and their bodies
She is old enough for age appropriate discussion. Each age allows more information. I plan to give my daughter a good amount of information by 7 years old. She needs to know some things so you can try your best to prevent anyone from inappropriately touching her. That goes along with boundaries. Parents need personal space boundaries and kids do too. Work together setting up a cool self care bedtime routine. Decorate her room together. Don’t allow anyone to give in. Don’t allow any kids in your bed after a certain time. Keep informing boundaries and firmly saying no about it.