Question on how to get husband to help out around the house more? We have a 10 week old son together and I’m super tired of taking care of the baby from constantly breastfeeding to picking up after my deadbeat husband. Even during paternity leave which was 2 months for him he lives for video games, exercising and dieting… asking him to do anything like put the dishes away after washing them he throws a temper tantrum (he has a bad temper and gets angry easily) on why should we put dishes away when we could just grab it from the dishwasher? He bugs me and my family doesn’t believe in divorce. Some days I want to leave but I’m not really working now so he says our son would stay with him. I love my son more than anything and would hate for that to happen.
Your family doesn’t have to live with him, I’d leave like yesterday❣️ It will only get worse, Mark my words (I know from experience) And if he cannot do anything now… how does he think he’s going to take your son? He’ll be calling you begging for you to come get him👌🏽
Honestly, you can’t.
He won’t do something he doesn’t wanna do. But you did say that you’re not working. So why not take the load of the housework anyways? I rarely ask my husband to help due to him being the only one working. But he helps out without being asked.
You want to leave him because he doesn’t clean house ???
Family counseling… it is easier for him to hear from someone else other than his wife- you saying it- is nagging to him and will do no good but cause you more grief…
So many questions.
- What state are you in?
- Has your relationship always been like this?
- His temper is more concerning than his unwillingness to clean. Are you anxious around him?
- Does he spend any alone time with the baby? And how do you feel about it if he does?
Men are men… I have the worlds best husband , seriously. The most generous man, he just adopted my little girl ( dead beat bio father), he loves my son as his own… best of the best, but this man , bless his sweet soul cannot find the dirty clothes basket to save his life… I don’t have to work, so I pick and choose my battles ( which are rare). But if he had a temper and easily angered, that’s the part I wouldn’t deal with.
If it’s just your husband being lazy, meh, just let it go. But if he’s aggressive or harsh with you .
I tend to my entire house n yard myself…my man works and provides and i let him rest when he is home(sleep,video games, a movie) what ever for him to enjoy what he works hard for…i dont work and we have 3 kids and another due next month…i do everything i can to take less off of him. He does enough providing a home and all that he does…the least i can do since j dont help $$ is gett off my butt and clean some…he doesnt demand it its something i feel as his women and women of the house that its my job…he helps out some but i dont ask him too…he cooks some i dont ask sometimes we tackle a big clean up job or cooking together but at the end of the day he works over 50 hrs a week and has 1 day a week off and i let my man do what he wants. Not everyone agrees but i feel personally if he provides the home and your NOT working the least you can do is clean the house…now the angry part…idk i dnt have thay problem…
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Tell him to do it. My boyfriend does whatever I tell him to, but he helps me because he wants. It doesn’t matter what your family believes in. It’s your life
So he doesnt do anything but then says he is keeping the baby Haha men I tell u
I left my babies dad when i was a stay at home mom. Got a job within a week not that hard.
You have 2 children. Leave him. He doesnt even help with baby how is he going to care for him alone? His behavior is abuse and you need to leave. It will only get worse
He most certainly should have been doing a lot during the paternity leave. That is for bonding with baby and helping mommy recover from childbirth. Not for laying around playing video games. Since he works and you stay home, you should be doing more of the housework than him, but most certainly not all. Sit down with him and explain how much goes into taking care of a baby. Especially breastfeeding cuz that takes a lot of time. Tell him he needs to do x chores everyday and that’s that. Even if it’s just put dishes away and make sure his laundry is in the dirty basket. He should be cleaning up after himself. You are not a maid for him, you are a mother to your child. Good luck hun!
If he isnt really helping even after h having said something option 1 stop doing things and let them pile up maybe he’ll get the hint then. Option 2 ask family for help with transition of you getting a job so you’re not dependent on him. Option 3 couples counseling. Option 4 if all else fails space apart not divorce but separation for awhile if something is meant for you itll stay. Option 5 divorce.
For all the same reasons… after 6 long years, 3 of them trying to fix things… i finally left as well. There’s only so much someone can take. I will never be with another man who plays video games.
I hate when people say “He provides for you, you should clean” I am sorry 2 people live there it takes 2 people to make the mess so 2 people should be cleaning. This isn’t the 1950’s house work should be equal when it comes to things like dishes. Being a SAHM is like working 2 full time jobs with out any time off your always on you don’t get breaks so asking for a little bit of help around the house shouldn’t cause problems or issues no matter how many hours the other person is putting in at work. All I ask my husband to do is to clean up after I cook it’s a fairly simple task compared to everything else that has to get done at home.
Now if your SO has anger management issues then that is awhole other issue that needs to be handled. I would definitely recommend counseling because you do not want him to take his temper out on your child.
Sounds like a mixed up messed up situation to me, sorry. I bet he was so charming and “nice” in the very (beginning) tho and now you know the real him. It’s tough but if you have family even if they don’t believe in divorce they should believe in you. My advice (leave) take your son with you to a close family member or friends house. The longer you stay with this deadbeat husband of yours the worse it’s going to get and you will end up feeling just so much worse about yourself. They are all sweet nothings’ in the beginning fakes frauds and in the end NOTHING.
He definitely should help out with either the baby or the house a little regardless if u don’t work. He’s a grown man he should atleast pick up after himself. He’s not a baby
If youre not working then isnt that your job?
If he gets angry over putting some dishes away how he gna take care of a newborn baby?? I’ll tell u how HE AIN’T… & I would never leave my child with anyone tht displayed anger &/or aggression… father of the child or not
So picture this, you leave him, you get a job, you raise your kid on your own, NOW you literally have to everything around the house and work at the same time. I understand you’re frustrated, but take a breath, TALK to your husband, go to counseling, if he’s abusive don’t stay in that situation by all means, but if you think it’s hard now try being a single parent.
Put his shit on the porch and tell him you only signed up for one baby. If he loves you and his child it’ll be a wake up call and he’ll put his shit back in the house and act like an adult. If he doesn’t, you only signed up for one baby. You’re already doing it all and he’s paying bills, so put him on child support and keep being the bombass mom you are.
Yeah the fact you aren’t working means nothing. These fuckwits don’t seem to think how am I gonna look after a child if I’m working derp. Pretty sure the judge will respect that you stay home to raise your baby.
In ks if you don’t have paper work stating the child is to live with you, he has every legal right to take it and keep it until custody is established. Keep this in mind. Also, I hadn’t worked in two years and got hired as soon as I put in an application. Divorce isnt a death dentence.
I cannot believe all of the women on here encouraging divorce over something so trivial. I have watched this encouragement the last few days and honestly am flabbergasted. Relationships take work and understanding. You do not up and leave because the man, who is the sole breadwinner, would like to relax when he gets home from a hard days work. She should be the primary one tending the house and baby in such a situation. Why in the hell would that warrant divorce. It warrants conversation. That is an immature response. Each member of the household should be contributing, not just him. Appreciate him more and he will in turn appreciate what you do around the house. And for chrissakes women STOP encouraging divorce for every mediocre problem sheesh
A relationship is a 2 way street ; not a highway and a bike path. If you’re not BOTH putting in 100%, y’all need to sit down and have a mature conversation about things changing. If he treats you like a doormat, and you let him, because your “family doesn’t believe in divorce”, then you have no one to blame but yourself. I’m all for sticking it out, when both parties want that. He just seems like he wants a live in maid and nanny
Get a job and leave. Who gives a shit what ur family thinks NO REAL man would treat their wife that wau
I think you are a spoiled brat and should have considered all this before making a baby with him. Go get a job yourself and pay for everything and see how it feels.
Alot of y’all sound real bitter that you don’t have a man that helps you around the house
I honestly can’t believe women on here think it’s acceptable for this man to live like an 18 year old whilst he wife raises his child alone, puts up with a shirt attitude and looks after a whole house. She has no support, emotionally or otherwise, her sleep is so messed up - breastfeeding is so exhausting not to mention the baby waking. What about teething and all sorts. He still going to sit around getting rude to her. No, if he loved her, he would be helping take care of her and his child. That’s just how it is. If he knows she wants a little more help, he should. She’s not asking the man to take over completely, just to chip in. I’d be out.
Sheesh people suck. If he was like this before the baby, which I’m assuming he was. Then you married him knowing what was up. If you love him and want it to work out then talk to him and tell him what you’re feeling and seek couples therapy or something. But honestly, from someone who rushed into a relationship in the past and had a baby with a guy who did nothing for me and the family besides make money", it can be better without them. But also hard. I left my ex when my daughter was about 8 months old. He hadn’t lifted a finger to help with her since day one. I started from scratch and was a single mom for 4 years before finding real love and now have a new family. But you better believe those years of single and co parenting have been hard as hell. Reach out to support systems or find some! Moms groups are great! So you weigh the pros and cons. It’ll be hard either way unfortunately. Good luck!
No just cause you dont work much doesnt grant him custody and a judge isn’t going to give a baby to an unattentive parent. So with that said if you want to leave you pack your things the babies things when he goes to work leave. Call someone if you have to and just leave. But if you want to work it out get him to go to counceling with you or have a heart to heart with him and tell him how it is going to be… help or gtfo just cause you are married, mother of his child, live in yall’s house doesnt mean you are his maid.
You wanna get a divorce because your man won’t unload the dishwasher after he works all day? Damn I wish I had some people’s problems. Also, save your negative replies, I won’t check the thread after I write this. If you’re getting a divorce over chores you need to do some serious self-reflection
Wooow! You ladies are something else! Just because she doesn’t work doesn’t mean her job isn’t already hard enough! That baby is 10 weeks old. She is having to spend every 2-3 hours breastfeeding that can take up to 30-45 minutes at a time 7-9 times a day. That includes having to wake up in the middle of the night. A BREASTFEEDING mother does not get to sleep a full 7-8 hours a night all the way through like her spouse is able to because get this … he doesn’t have the ability to breast feed…gasp! I know crazy!!! she is already tired as soon as she wakes up then having to clean the house which includes laundry, wash, dry and fold.( one load of laundry takes me at least 2 hours folding and hanging properly) Make breakfast, lunch, dinner. Do dishes, vaccum, make the bed, sweep and change diapers. Which can be between 1-3 hour between changes. Alllll of this on broken sleep. “She should stop complaining” “if she’s not work then isn’t that her job?” “he just wants to rest from work” “ she needs to take care of home front aka HER JOB” these statements are absolutely ridiculous!!! when does she get to rest? Yes she doesn’t work but she does plenty at home and literally only asked him to put the dishes away! … get this they were already cleaned! Shocker I know! How dare she ask such a simple task as to helping out around the house! She mentioned that the first two months on his paternity leave he literally did nothing to help he treated it as his vacation. Playing video games, making gym his priority instead of helping this new mom who is experiencing being a mom for the first time and everything that it entails. I’m glad that there are women out there that can accomplish a new mom schedule like it’s a walk in the park but for other new moms it’s more like hiking a mountain with no experience. YOU ALL SHOULD TAKE A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND BE ASHAMED OF JUDGING HER. He should be helping her regardless if he works. His job is from 9-5 and it’s over, hers is 24/7. Now tell me how that is fair that he does absolutely nothing around the house? If she were to work she would have to work her 9-5 and do everything at home because from the sounds of it he would not help woth the baby or the house because he should “rest” plus she would still need to wake up every 2-3 hours because get this… breastfeeding and changing diapers is not a 9-5 job …gasp who would have known!!!
You not working has nothing to do with who would get custody. If you want to find out for yourself, it’s free to get a consult from a lawyer.
I had a lazy husband that I divorced in 2009 after two years of him being abusive and lazy as hell. Divorce was best thing ever for me and my two kids . He didn’t change until 9 yrs later thank God I’m not w him again
For advice that she asked for not a judgmental opinion… maybe try sitting down and having a one on one convo with him and letting him know that you would really appreciate it if he could just listen without saying anything until your are done and that you really need that from him. Then tell him how you are feeling and how it makes you feel when you ask to help out and he refuses. Let him know that taking care of a new born and taking care of the house is quite a bit with no sleep. If he ends up not wanting to talk or trying to understand you. I think counseling is your best option and just let him know that it’s what you need to better deal with the communication problem you guys have. By reading this It seems he is not appreciating you and treating you with the respect you deserve. He may also need some anger management classes to help him deal with why he gets explosive from a simple favor. I understand that divorce is the last thing you want but in the end you need to ask yourself if you are happy and then work towards achieving that happiness at all times. Yes your family doesn’t believe in divorce but would you rather live the rest of your life being unhappy because to me that’s not living. You deserve respect and to be treated as such and should never settle for less. Your family is not the one married to him,you are. they do not have to deal with everything you have to. If you do choose to leave check with some local resources first in helping you find temporary home and basic necessities until you can get on your feet. Yes he has a job but he is not able to feed your child since you breastfeed. You are capable of providing for your child but your baby is barely 10weeks old. Regardless he would have to pay someone to care for your child then he’s going to do everything you do at home on a daily basis I doubt it. Just find a good lawyer!!
I find some comments hilarious saying because mum doesnt earn money shes not working? Raising kids, breastfeeding, housework isnt work? Its harder then going to work and she just gave birth! He had paternity leave which isnt to relax and play videogames. Its to help out with his wife who just had a baby recovering frombirth and breastfeeding. The least he could do was help those 2 months? Would do counceling do to with his anger issues
He doesn’t get to decide where the baby would stay
Your family not “believing” in divorce does not mean it doesn’t exist or that it isn’t the best option for you and your son
Uhmm… those saying “you don’t work, he deserves a break” her job is never ending and he helped make that baby. She deserves a break too. I a m a stay at home mom, and my husband gets to rest after work… but he also makes sure I get to take a bath or go hide in the garage to paint occasionally. He helps with the dishes and laundry on occasion. Because he loves and respects me. She deserves a break too, not another child to raise. She needs a husband and father, NOT just a roommate that pays the bills. Good grief.
I think you need to sit down and really think about this hun. Is this the kind of life for yourself. I get that your family don’t believe in divorce but you aren’t your family. You and your husband need to sit down and have a conversation about everything that’s going on. If he is abusive towards you you either need to seek counseling, go stay with family, seek help wherever possible and if he doesn’t want help or doesn’t see that anything is wrong and you have ran out of options divorce. He is a parent just because you are a stay at home parent doesn’t mean you need to do absolutely everything, having a 10week old is exhausting. You need to have some time for yourself too. Enjoy a hot coffee. If you don’t feel like you can cope please talk to a doctor about how you are feeling. I understand he works but you work too and you don’t deserve to be treated like . If your husband doesn’t want to help he won’t. The whole stop doing everything for him may work for a little while but once bubs starts moving around then you have to worry that they may get into dirty clothes that have been left there for god knows how long or that they are playing with his dirty dish or cup he has left there. It’s not healthy and that idea can always backfire because he just may leave it all there and go oh well stuff it. He should’ve been helping you on his paternity leave. He doesn’t seem responsible and you sound like you really need to go and talk to a doctor or counseling together. I hope your situation improves but it doesn’t sound healthy at all hun and you don’t want to be exposing bubs to a toxic relationship or environment.
Set him down and talk it out. Do not devorce him for that reason.
He is being abusive. Getting angry when you ask him to help out is a red flag. He needs to be a man and help. But in saying that… don’t worry about the house work. Just sit and nurse that baby. Chores can wait. Dishes can stay in the dishwasher. Play some games with your husband while you nurse baby.
It’s not help. Tell him to pull his own weight
If it’s on the floor/not packed in its place, it either lives there now or goes in the trash
Does not change. Shut up and put up with it. Or change yourself to ignore it continue to clean it up and keep silent. Only he can fix him and telling him begged him is not going to change. This is your life and if he gets hold of the kids they will do the same. So live or leave. So what if your family believes in divorce have them come help. He was raised that way.
Again stupid question or statement… why complain now?
I feel like you may have ignored a whole bunch of red flags before now…
Try going to a therapist, couples if you can get him to go or individual to help you cope.
The court is always gonna side with the mother unless you’re just totally unfit… if he can’t even put some dishes away do you honestly believe he will be able to take care of a child on his own?nah… js
I bet if you take that gaming system out he will help. Do men ever grow up…
Communication is vital. You need to respectfully speak up and let him know how you feel.
I recommend reading the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
do your laundry with a professional counselor , you are only asking for more problems by putting your problems on facebook
Women are always trying to over sell house work and child care. Give me a stay at home dad position any time of day, and you won’t be asked to help.
Woman’s place is in the kitchen and bedroom
Leave. You are already a single mom. With a deadweight making it harder.
Wow. Garbage. But you had to have known this before having a child together. Get your shit together bring baby to a doctors appt. And never look back
If he gets angry easily I wouldn’t leave my baby with him. Even if he is the father.
Sounds like you have 2 children. Did your family marry him? No? Than who cares what they believe in. A douchbag husband is a douchbag husband, and there ain’t no women that neeeds that. Let his own mother pick up after him.
There’s divorce for a reason. Who cares what your family wants? They are not YOU! You make decisions to make your life happier because no one else can really make those decisions for you.
I’ve been married for 20 years, we’ve lived together for 21 years, and we have a 17yo, 14yo, 13yo… if you find the answer to the question you asked in your first sentence PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF US. I beg you
***i didn’t read your whole post, only the first line so sorry if my comment doesn’t end up applying to the rest of your post.
He ain’t going to change. Walk away now before it gets worse. Either that or have your baby learn this is okay.
Sounds like he needs to grow up, i think if couples both work they both sgould help with the baby.
He won’t change and he will not take your son because a child needs care and work. He is using the child to keep you in place.