Here’s some background first. My husband works 8 hours a day, and I work 8-12 hours, depending on the day. I stay at home with my kids and run small in-home childcare. I do everything on the inside of the house. (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I also take care of our three children from the time they get up till when they go down. My husband does the outside work, and I do try to help out as much as I can. Anyways I am getting to the point where I am so mentally exhausted and frustrated that he won’t help me. I’ve tried talking to him about it as well. He just says I’ve done my job for the day… He says my job includes all the laundry and dishes because, technically, I make a mess with my job. However, I do his dishes and laundry. I explained that I’m not asking him to clean the whole house. All I am asking is is some help. Even if he did the dishes or cooked dinner every once and while, it would be nice. Anyways am I overreacting??
Hello, I don’t think you are over-reacting at all. The house belongs to both of you, the kids belong to both of you. Your income helps support the whole family so everyone in your home should help, the kids too. It is not fair for one person to do everything. You are right, why are you responsible for his clothes and how dishes. Marriage is a partnership and a team. There is no I in team. I have my kids help with chores and my husband and I share chores too (yes I always do more or have to bug him to do them) but we ultimately both do them.
Too many women complain like you are. So he works 8 hours a day and still comes home to do the outside work while you do the work inside? Are you seriously complaining? Maybe try asking him to do something specific and don’t be a nag. You’re not entitled to him bending over backwards for you and nagging will have the opposite effect. Really think about how lucky you are to have a man with a job who still helps out, even if it is outside. And the women saying “throw him in the trash”… you’re not deserving of a good man.
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You need a job outside of your home. I’m not being a b*tch, I’m in the same boat…not my bf not helping, but in home daycare. It burns you out. Time for me to go back to nursing.
Those kids and that house are his too, so he can man up when he gets home and help his wife take care of HIS home and family! Smh I don’t get “men” like this. Mine helps after working his day job and I stay home… Ur job is done when u give ur wife a break! She obviously needs it!
Stop washing his clothes, his dishes, etc…
Stop washing his clothes, cooking him meals and doing his dishes, tell him you’re only responsible for yourself and your kids not a grown ass man 🤷🏻♀.
My fiance works in agriculture 8hrs a day 5 days a week. During harvest those 8hr shifts turn into 12, 14, 16 hour shifts 6 days a week. I work the weekend program at our local nursing home as a CNA. 14 and 16 hr shifts every Friday-Sunday. I’m home Monday-Thursday. I ask him to clean the house on the weekends because I’m literally only home to eat and sleep and right back to work. He says the same thing. He put his time in. Weekends are for him to rest. He did absolutely nothing and Mondays I am overwhelmed with housework and dishes from them on the weekends. I talked to him and told him I cant do it anymore. He has really stepped up. Just try to talk to him again.
Stop doing his laundry and once he needs clothes he will help you. It takes 2 to run a household not 1. I’m also mean enough that I’d only make dinner for me and the kids and make him fend for himself.
Get a nanny. Taking care of the kids is your job anyway
Do your 8 hours like him and say that’s it .Help him outside when he helps you inside. Or swap jobs say you want outside jobs instead ? X
No you’re not overreacting. You have a husband that takes you for granted and treats you like a maid instead of a wife. These type of men are usually unable to take responsibility or accountability so they deflect and try to flip the script back onto you and make you feel guilty. They can’t handle any type of criticism so instead they change the subject to focus on your issues ( usually ones that they create to gaslight you ). If he’s unwilling to even try to understand where you’re coming from, hes never going to until it’s too late. I’d be packing your bags and stay anywhere else for a couple weeks/ to months to let him see how well he really has it with you. And they usually learn to appreciate and value you AFTER you leave.
I’d stop doing his dishes or washing his laundry. You made them dirty dear. That’s not me “job”
Do for your kids and let him take care of himself such as his dishes and laundry and let him make his own food too… starve him
Wow. I feel so blessed and lucky. Been married 23 years 4 kids 1 grand child and 2 on the way. We have always been partners. He works 5-6 days a week 12-14 hours. He still helps with everything including cleaning, laundry and kids. He does ALL outside work and fixes anything needing fixed around the house. He still brings me flowers every Sunday and makes time for anything we need. Isn’t that what a marriage is all about. I hope he sees that you need him and kicks in.
That’s how my relationship is for the most part. It works for some people but not for all.
I feel you I really do. I’m having simar issues at the moment. Hoping that we can try and talk it though and come to an amicable agreement.
Tell him to stay home and you’ll go outside of the home and work. See how he feels about not wanting to help you after he does it for awhile. Hoping you get some help soon.
Well I use to cook all 7 days now I cook 3-4 my children are teenagers so I make sure pantry , fridge and freezer nice and full of fend for yourself items on the days I won’t cook for them and my husband,I also make it clear after dishes done for night I will not wash them all up to who made them. I have had the help me talks and it has helped and not only my husband helps but my kids thank god. So many of these men were raised when women stayed home so they were not use to dad doing housework. My husband will do laundry put away dishes always do garbage and clean the master bathroom and it took some years but I’m glad it’s more like a team oh and as long as I get food he can cook he will cook a dinner. But I do hair and I will be jelly at times when these couples tell me how hubby does all the food shopping and cooking lol, I mean my husband will shop but does not ever buy dinner food lol
Mine passed 8yrs. Ago we were 8th grade sweethearts, and we were 50 at time of his passing, and im still his, Amen… that being said Our motto was its not All 50/50, sometimes it 60/40 or 70/30 and once in awhile it is 99/01, we both just did whatever needed done, except dishes, haha he let that be known from the get-go…even taking entire household laundry to laundrmat, nice and folded he would claim, just like i did…However i also changed a Huge 4×4 tire while Hunting, he was making one last push on a skidder trail just before dark, thinking he had time and also get down the mountain before completly flat, well his hike led to success, and he Harvested…i had changed the tire, he cried cause it was dark with fresh kill in large Grizzly Country, and was grateful …
I’ve learned, some shit you shouldn’t have to ask. This being one. My ex was like this, except we both worked outside the home, both 8 hr shifts, but because I was sitting at a computer and he was working a forklift, my job was easier, and I’m a woman, so after he was off, he felt he did enough… BIG EMPHASIS on EX…
Simple answer u don’t do it no matter how much it gets to u just do ur work and feed and clothe ur kids apart from that don’t clean cook dishes etc. Watch how it gets to him.
I’m sorry I would be so irritated with that. And talking to him isn’t doing much and it’s like where is that compromise for each other? Just stop doing it and when he asks why iT’s so messy and things aren’t being done tell him I’m tired of doing alone and by myself and I need help and you refuse to help so I’m refusing too!
No you are not. My mom ran an in home childcare for 25 yrs. and yes,any messes she made throughout the day from the kids she cleaned up but weekends and anything else. We all pitched in on. You work too!! Doesn’t matter if you work from home, it’s a mentally exhausting job and your days off our on the weekend so he needs to pitch in on those days and you are entitled to YOUR DAYS OFF just as much as he is. If he doesn’t, just start leaving all his mess for him to do on his own.
Just flat out say you need some help. You’d be surprised at how much he will.
I had the same problem and then i just stopped doing everything. However my youngest is 17. My advice is do for your children but as far as anything else goes just dont do it and when he says something tell him you need help
We are in this together as one
I make mine do his own laundry . I’m not his Mom.
My husband worked 8-12 hour nights. The over night shift. He was on his feet all day working with livestock and he still helped when he was home. I take full time college classes, work full time, and I take the night shift of child care. We are a team. We all live in the home. We are all responsible for maintaining the home. Kids included. He needs to stop being a baby and suck it up. Don’t do any of his laundry and don’t wash any of his dishes. Maybe then he’ll get the hint.
Put his aside. Bet he starts helping out. All his dirty clothes and dishes put them all aside. When hes lookimg for clean work clothes and cant find them…explain it again
These men are so lucky they have no idea. Mine works 12hr shifts and still gotta come homw and clean. U know what my job is. Cooking meals thats it. He wants it clean he better hire a maid i am not one. Honestly ladies u want the real answer…its good sex honestly. He knows he dont work around here well he cant work my body either. Get freakier they listen better
That is why my first marriage failed! I refused to put up with that
Don’t do anything for him. Let him do his own meals and washing etc. if he complains say it’s his job though
You’re not over reacting at all, It’s not going to kill any man to put his hands in the sink every now & again or cook a meal for his family. Your feelings are 100% valid.
Give him a gold star chart and he gets rewarded when he fills in the squares
Start out small…like do your own laundry n 2 wks later have him bathe kids before bed while you’re doing dishes, then a week or so later have him vacuum on weekend etc
No your not! I had the same issue till I talked with my husband and set some boundaries since we both work the same. The rule in our house is whoever cooks. The other does dishes. Works great for us. I wash and dry the laundry. Hubby helps put it away (I’m sure he’d put everything away but I like my closest a certain way haha) He takes out trash and I clean everything else. I do the bath and showers (we have girls it’s uncomfortable I get it!) but book reading is on him haha. We don’t have much outside stuff to do. Just a small patch of grass to mow but I take care of the dogs. I hope it gets better for you
Not overreacting, he should b helping out in some way other than jus working 8 hours a day!! Theyr HIS kids too so he should b helping to raise them n play with them in the evenings. No reason all the parenting should fall on u. He seems like a real selfish person, “oh I did my job for the day”. Then he shouldn’t have had kids!!
I feel ya!!! I’m in the same position. I even tried not doing house work for days on end thinking he’ll cave and do it but nope he let’s the house get so bad that I can’t take it and cave and start cleaning and bitch the whole time I am and I get told to shut up about my bitching it’s annoying. Can’t win with some of these guys. He will help cook I’ll give him that and he mows the lawn. He likes things clean but he doesn’t lift a finger when it comes to cleaning. I definitely stopped cleaning up after his daughter cuz she’s 9 and when I do I throw the shit out hoping she’ll learn but that poor little girl would lose her head if it wasn’t attached so half the time she doesn’t know or even remember what she has or owns lol. It really is horrible that guys these days still think it’s a woman’s job to clean. Like no dude you are an adult and a parent at that clean up after yourself and teach your kid too while your at it cuz life us too short I shouldn’t be spending most of it in a house cleaning. I wanna do things like go out, go on vacation or sit on a couch and relax while someone else does it all!
Can’t relate. I always worked 40 hrs. and did all the cooking and dishes accept my birthday. Appreciation has a shelf life. It’s not the gender it’s the person! I was a door mat who got walked on. But then one day she stopped to wipe her feet. Last staw!
maybe he brings home take out yes has a price but you all get time to relax easy clean up no dishes.
I must be very lucky everything at my house is 50/50 my husband and i do everything togather we are a team
First step is always communication but since youve already tried tht and it hasnt worked
Dump him tell his mama she didnt raise him good then find an real man to be with
Wow, I wash dishes, cook, help clean house cut the grass, and any other things that need to be done. Granted we are both retired. But it’s always been that way. Maybe that’s why we’ve been married 41 years.
He lives there, anything that benefits it ir is needed there is his job too. If he helps mrs., he helps clean.
Did his mother not teach him that he has to clean up his mess?
Youre doing too much. What if you didnt make dinner because you were doing HIS laundry? What if you couldn’t go food shopping because you had to clean the house? Substitute you’re “Chores” as time allows. Heres the best one… What if you couldn’t find time for sex because you were too tired from taking care of 5 people and a job and a household? Good luck.
No ur not over reacting it should be u both help each other out doing whatever is needed to be done every day so u both can spend some time together enjoying life
Go on strike, don’t do anything. Let it build up to the point it will drive him crazy🤣
Nope you’re not over reacting. It’s frustrating as hell. But- that’s the role of a woman. That’s what separates the women from the girls. Adjust your crown and put a smile on your face. You’re doing a great job
Stop doing his laundry and rub siracha in his underwear
I wouldn’t do his laundry or wash the dishes that he dirtied. He’s a grown ass man that needs to “suck it up butter cup” and help around the house. I’m a stay at home mom that stays up till 1 or 2am to get time to myself. My husband works a third shift 8 hour job, comes home, takes care of the kids till I decide to get up and then goes out to mow the lawn. If your husband won’t help then I’d find someone else cuz you deserve better!
No you are not. He should help out just as much because he does live there too. And I kinda feel like he is coming off as sexist
Do something where whoever cooks the other has to clean the dishes. If a schedule is needed for that, set that up. Then for the kids set up a day throughout the week for him to take care of the kids so you can relax because it sounds like your not given time that you need to take a break. Also have you guys been having any intimacy (sex)? If not you guys need to find ways to schedule time for that.
Stop helping him out then and make him do his own shit
Oh hell no those ate his kids that also his home and he eats the food you cook and takes showers and get this clothes dirty he should be helping all he can instead of loaf
I’m shock that my wife didn’t respond to this she would give me a perfect 100 score she better after 41 years you damn tight I pull my weight
Insde and especially out side
I even do my own laundry
In the words of a customer I once spoke to: “My ex husband wouldn’t help me watch the kids when we were married so now he does it 2 weeks a month & writes me a cheque on top of it. My new boyfriend & I are happy with the arrangement.”
One of the biggest things men forget is with a woman who is confident they gotta work if they want to stay. Some of them realize too late and opps - someone better came along.
~Don’t treat your partner like crap & yes I think that’s what he is doing. There are tons or men would would literally do anything to make their womans life easier each day & their childrens too!!! It pains me to see so many confident women get taken advantage of. A real gentleman isn’t afraid to help his lady & would never let her struggle.~
Tell you help create your children. So help me out. Yes you work and so do I. You give me your children. I build you a home. Without me you won’t have a home. I need a day off too even its 2 hours. I didn’t raise you i married you. Partners for the time being. If not bye.
Tell him once all the daycare kids leave your job is also done. Stop doing his laundry and his dishes
Nope. Nope. Nope. You don’t get to call yourself a grown up and expect someone else to wait on you hand and foot. I’ve been in childcare my whole life. Cleanup is part of the daily working routine; anything after those hours is a mutual responsibility. When it comes to your children it’s shared responsibility, period. There is no reason you should be the only person caring for them day in and out. That’s a fat ass NOPE!
No your not over reacting! He should be helping. Helping with the kids and house work!.
My other half works outside for his job in heat and cold long hours and No matter how tired he is or how long his day was he always helps with cleaning the house,.laundry, trash etc even though I never ask for help. I help with mowing the grass (riding lawn mower ) and he weedeat’s it (we have 1 acre). Your husband shouldn’t expect you to do everything!
Don’t do his laundry and give your kids a couple towels each and don’t wash his towels. Don’t set a plate for him for dinner. Only cook what you and your kids eat. Don’t go out of your way to do anything for him. It’ll either change him or he’ll leave. He can go back to his mommy if he expects everything from you!
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He won’t change and you are not wrong
You are not over reacting. A man should help with standard household stuff. He lives there too.
snap chat me. i will help…
No, you’re not overacting. You need a partner to help carry the load of all of the responsibilities you have created together as a couple. Sadly Instead you have a very unhelpful partner who has become an additional unnecessary
project you have to deal with. You are his wife NoT his live in maid. If he lived alone and was single who would do all of these things for him? He is also setting a horrible example by being so unhelpful and irresponsible for his children moving forward. If he hasn’t helped yet, he probably never will, so YOU need to make some choices of how YOU want to live the rest of your life…Good luck.
Lmaooooo reason number 1 why I hate nem
I think youre a stay at home mom and its your job. He does the outside work. I work part time nights but my hubs does line clearance. I dont expect him to do household stuff since im home during the day. Be hapoy w what he does do. If youre a stay at home mom thats the balance. Yes u do childcare but your still home.
2 of ye working…get in a cleaner, if he objects to money been spent on a cleaner a couple of times a week…tell him to help out more or the cleaner stays
Not over reacting. Im a so over people thinking that the house work should fall on one person. If I were you, I’d stop doing all the things you do (except your childcare business) and tell him that until he starts helping out, you’re not doing anything either.
Stop doing his laundry and making him food. Let him know your responsibilities are to your kids, work, and yourself. He is a grown man and can do things himself.
Hire a maid make him pay for it
I would be getting a knew partner or be single cause pretty much that’s what that is , since when did kids become are jobs only. He wouldn’t make it being my partner I would punch him. Say something like that how rude . Or I would just cook for my kids and my kids only eventually he will get the hint .
Nope not overreacting at all! I started feeding the kids and myself before he got home as well as stopped doing his laundry he changed his tune within a week!
Don’t pick up after him anymore , no more laundry , no more cooking , no cleaning after him . He will soon realize his job along is 30 percent of your time .
I got a house keeper came in once a week to clean and do laundry best money I spent and I refused to do his laundry he’s grown and I’m not a maid lol thank God my fiance does the laundry I put it away he cooks too I clean but I’m a neat freak so I don’t mind
hire a cleaning lady and pay for it with his money.
Stop helping with the outside of the house and leave it to him. Don’t overextend yourself for someone who won’t help back. The end.
All I can say is I am glad to be single I see so many of these post you are not over reacting sounds sexist guy to me
I’m sure alot of men don’t help 85 percentage of the time
I feel like you need a new husband. Relationships are 100/100 and if he’s not willing to clean HIS own house, then you don’t have a partner, you have a teenager.
When he asks where his dinner is tell him you already put your 8 hours
Welcome to the world of (many) men. If ur sick of it, perhaps either kick him out or take the kids and leave. Doesn’t have to be for forever. Because you NOT doing the chores, WILL NOT get him to see the error of his ways. He will not magically start cooking and cleaning, or doing his fair share. It is going to take a big wake-up call for him…as I said, kicking him out or you taking the kids and leaving. Therapy takes too darn long and rarely works. Sorry. Truth. And that’s even IF he will agree to go. And u going alone to therapy ain’t gonna change squat. He is acting like a selfish jerk, and he needs to face consequences. U need to get tough and stick to ur guns. If u dont do it now, u will always be going through this. I wish u luck.
My now ex husband was the same way. He wouldn’t even pick his socks up from wherever he took them off. Messing up shit. Didn’t want to help with household chores or keep our kids while I worked ( paid a sitter). And one Brite sunny day I said F*** it. I let him see what happens when I decide because I worked 9 hours a day 6 days a week and just as tired as he was. So I stopped cleaning cooking and doing laundry. Let’s just say it didn’t take long before he was egar to help. Still ended up divorced after 25 years. Ya just get sick of the selfish bs.
When my kids we’re grown and gone I quit cooking he learned to fix his own ham and cheese loaf sandwich and have sex by himself he did the outside work lazy bastard wouldn’t do shit inside
just cook for you and the kids before he gets home…he’ll get the hint quick!! Wash just you and the kids clothes again he’ll get the hint.
Hire a maid to do his part. Simple
Don’t be petty Betty that will make things worse.
It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. I believe in outsourcing! Find someone to help. Someone that can do the stuff that’s falling. I can see both points and I do believe in 80/20 some days you need your partner to be the 80% and help extra while you recharge. But if you guys had a system and it worked for so long and you need a long term break I would suggest outsourcing the solution. Find a cleaner they are surprisingly affordable especially with kids out for the summer
If it’s just short term tell him to suck it up buttercup I need you for a couple days!
Maybe change it up do meal prep together on Sunday for the week.
Quit helping him with the outside work. Give him a day where he HAS to take the children to the park or movies or museum. They are his children too and he needs to act like a father. Don’t do his laundry anymore…he is a big boy!! He should be helping with the childrens bedtime…either he gives them a bath or he reads them a story. Just because he comes home after working 8 hours doesn’t mean he can’t entertain his children. If he wants to act like a chauvinist then you threaten to stop working so you can do what he expects.
Have you tried asking for specific things? I find most men need specific instructions instead of just “help me around the house” I’ll say can you grab that laundry basket of dirty clothes and throw them in the wash for me?” I have him grill at least 2-3 times a week so it gives me one less thing to worry about for dinner. Usually if it’s in the moment and specific it doesn’t seem so overwhelming and they are more likely to help.
Throw him out with the trash
Hire a cleaning service.
My fella wouldn’t hesitate to help me if I asked and we have our own agreement on who does what… Tell him to suck it up that’s the joys of been a working father and husband. And just to really add to it… Stop doing his washing for a week… Tell him your to busy see how quick he grows up
he’s wrong, no matter he is wrong.