My 19 year old came out when she was 13. I grew up hearing the Christian rhetoric that God will punish the sinner. Only regret I have is that I forced her to grow up hearing about how bad of a person she is. I will always choose my daughter. It sounds like you do too. The discomfort I think is worry about how other will perceive your child. Once you learn to disregard their opinions, true acceptance can occur.
I noticed my kid acting like that after getting sucked into the anime world. Call me crazy but its really messed him up
All these old biddies on here need to just keep their opinions from 1952 to themselves
-No, the Bible won’t “save” her
-No, this woman isn’t a bad mom
-No, no one has failed in this household
What I will say is, while they could know exactly what they want and are, they also could be going through a phase. Right now it’s the cool thing in Jr. High and high school to be gay/trans/bi/whatever you prefer. Be supportive either way, talk to them, let them know you’re open for any discussion and communication and also explain to them that you’ve been calling them something else for 13 years so it’s going to be hard to make that adjustment and just like you’re respecting them, they need to do the same for you. Simple, open, communication.
Good luck mama. You got this! You both do
My son has told me from a young age (12 now) that he is gay. He was so scared to tell me and to be honest I always knew anyway. A parent knows when their child is different. Its not that big of a deal. I have and always will support my child no matter what. Yes I think it would be strange learning to call them by another name but they will always still be your child. No matter what.
As a parent you are to teach your kids right and wrong and to not support wrong behavior
Look at your lil one and tell them your older child has decided they would like to be called by insert new name and tell them both you are going to try hard to remember and ask for the lil ones help.then go from there.my expirience is we add more than needs to be.shes young exploring her sexuality which shes just discovering at that age.i think its more about accepting than supporting.shes got all the time in the world to change her mind a 100 times or maybe she wont.just love and accept her regardless
I think you need to chat him some slack this is not about you bring a better parent and it that age I would be careful peer pressure is horrible
The fact you have came here & admitted your struggling with the adjustment should be praised, yes we as parents unconditionally love & support our children, no matter what path they choose in life, but I do get where your coming from… I’m a mum of two Daughters, and I honestly would struggle too with the adjustment, being used to calling them by a name since birth, adapting to possibly another gender pronoun… its hard for the kids, but we tend to forget there’s parents involved as well who struggle too.
I haven’t been in your position but all I can say, is continue supporting them, talk to them, don’t stop talking bout feelings and work through struggles together, come to terms with changes together… I wish you the very best of luck xx
As a LGBTQ child in question, there is nothing more harmful than dead naming. It can be incredibly impactful. Your younger children, are a lot more flexible than you think! They won’t be confused for long!
I think you’re doing a good job being so open and loving, it’s not easy to understand what’s different!
Also, it’s perfectly okay to grieve the ‘loss’ of your daughter, it often helps first.
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Growing pains happen. Just do your best not to use dead name at all and use the right pronouns. Explain to your kids that they changed their name and when referring to them use they/them. It’s going to be uncomfortable until it becomes natural it’s a big change for everyone and it’s okay to have some discomfort. You’re trying and that is what is important.
We don’t use dead name, we use birth name. There was nothing wrong with the person they were born or the name I gave them. I still have pictures up of before and I love them.
That’s who they were, just as special as who they become.
Now they are just their true self and learning more about themselves as they grow.
But they know I love them unconditionally and that they can come to me at any time to talk about anything.
Their still young their still kids ! Kids are gonna go through phases I’m sure they don’t even know what half of it means they just know the difference between the two genders , kids are gonna be kids they may grow out of it they may not either way as a parent just be there for them !
One… Its not a life decision or choice. Its something out of their control. They were born in the wrong body in their eyes. They cant control that. Its purely a need for trans people. Thats a good place to start. Two, if you truly wanna accept them, and support them, talk with them and LISTEN. Trans people are people too. Treat them with the love and respect you would if they werent lgbtoia+
Reaching out and trying to understand your child shows how much a good mother you are. My kid started his transition at 14. Not physical tranistion until 18. But early teens he changed his appearance and pronouns and name. It can be hard for you or anyone else around to get used to the changes especially the pronoun/name. However I promise if you let your child guide you it will help. Also see if there is any local support or online groups for parents of transitioning children. This will help you out because when you share experiences with people going through the same thing it will get easier to understand. You are also on a journey and you need time. And it takes a long time. I have a younger child and we had introduce her to the changes…its funny the younger children accept more than adults! Although your child makes these changes your unconditional love does not…and you need to make sure your child knows this. Their mental health is then priority. Well done on how far you have come today.
I would have my child go through all the steps to legally change their name. I think they need to know all this change comes with footwork and its serious. If they really want it they will do the work. If it’s not really that important or they don’t really understand what they’re doing it will fall by the wayside. 13 year olds have big plans but don’t understand the work behind REAL actual change. Good place to start and see where their mindset truly is.
I think it says a lot about you as a mama that you are taking the time to learn how to better support your baby. Best thing I would do is just always be there with an ear to listen and to support. You don’t have to understand it all, explain to them that you don’t understand it but you want to so could they help you. You’re doing great already mama, keep believing that.
If the child is doing this “transition” along with a friend group then I highly doubt its permanent. Just go with the flow and love your daughter regardless. I feel like these large friend groups transitioning is ridiculous and such a stretch. We all do weird ass shit at that age though. No big deal. Still love them.
Give yourself some grace we are learning & understanding
She probably to young to know what they want
A bit young to define into something that could cause a potentially regrettable massive course of life change. This type of decision isn’t like a goth or punk phase, or even a stoner phase. Defining as they/them whatever the language is then transitioning into sex changes and binding, hormones ect. Could have massive repercussions, because a lot of younger kids are rolling into this as a means of being accepted within a friend group.
So don’t be close minded, but analyze who the friend circle is, what kind of media/influences she has access to and base the understanding on those factors.
I did alot of dumb shit at 13 because of my influence circle; some of which would have had life changing consequences if someone didn’t get me back in my lane.
First of all, well done for trying to understand
Secondly, I’d get your child to come and live with you because dad sounds like he would completely hit the roof and be horrid toward your child when he finds out, so try and protect your child that way
Thirdly, try and keep speaking to your child and try and get educated from your child as well as everywhere else u can learn from
And I keep saying your child because your child still sounds confused as to what your child identifies as and I don’t want to cause offence lol xx
I’m supportive of most thing but I don’t get all of the new “genders” and “sexualities” that are coming out? It seems like a huge trend amongst youngsters these days. In my eyes they’re either male or female I just don’t quite understand it! Maybe if I had more knowledge on the matter I might think differently but it’s just hard to get my head around
Super mum for going with the flow though and I agree with everyone else, maybe you should see if your kids can live with you xx
First I would sit down and explain to them that mistakes will happen and they have to accept that. The fact that you’re trying should be enough for them. I’m going through the same thing at the moment and we have an understanding that sometimes I may forget and use the wrong pronouns, but after 21 years of using she/her I get muddled. My child is older and more understanding. But it really is a learning process, best of luck to you both
If they want you to call them by their preferred name, do it. It may take some time to adjust but you’ll get there. I’m personally Non-Binary and go by They/Them. It took people time to adjust but people that really care, try their best because it makes me happy. If they’re asking you not to use a dead name, try to refrain from doing it. It’ll just make them pull away from you.
If their dad isn’t going to be there for them or be supportive, it’s up to you to show them they can be accepted by someone in their family. It’ll help later in life knowing they had that support system.
It will be a confusing time for them, it sounds a little like they are trying to figure things out themselves still. It will be a hard adjustment for you to make because you have went 13 years calling them the name they were given at birth but try to think how difficult it must be for them, especially considering their own dad is openly biased against the LGBTQ+ community. I would suggest sitting in a private, comfortable place with them and explain to them that you are 100% accepting and supportive of them but also that it is an adjustment for you, explain that you’re doing your best to call them by their new chosen name and that although you sometimes slip up it’s okay for them to give you a gentle reminder. I’d maybe also ask them if they would be comfortable sitting down with yourself and the younger siblings to explain the situation to them so that they aren’t confused about the sudden name change (but again only if they are comfortable doing so). Maybe also ask them who they are comfortable with their new name being used around.
I honestly don’t think it’s that you’re uncomfortable about it all, I think it’s more confusing for you due to not being sure who you can call your child their new name around. Just make sure they know how supportive etc you are of everything because that makes a huge difference
My daughter decided the same thing as yours but luckily we are both supportive parents. Just being there for them as the most important thing. Not sure what the circumstances are with your ex partner having your child living with him but it’s homophobic abuse. I would seek legal advice. Xx
Ask them are they happy and if the answer is yes then just know you raised them very well
Good advice for a Godless world.
In the end times, it shall be as in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah!
Your doing a great job, first for understanding and accepting, my daughter/ son came out 10 yrs ago, and already knew, I supported her/ him now, which also chose to change his name, i still find me calling him by his real name, and like i told him everyone deserves to be loved no matter what you feel, keep up the good work mom!!
You answered your question with your first sentence …100% supportive of their decision…so if youre asking people their opinion, then you’re not 100%. So you’re either lying to us or yourself… either way… it’s your kid’s life…let them live it and mind your biz…you’ll have a healthier relationship with them
I think you should show your child this post, to show you care and are putting in the effort to further understand.
I get the confusion of changing use of pronouns and names.
My daughter at the age of 3 (yes 3) decided they were a boy, their name is unisex anyway so no troubles there. The nursery and school were on board and very supportive.
However as I had gone 3+ years calling them she* it was difficult to switch it out (at the start I found it easier to drop pronouns and just use their name a lot😅)
My daught continued to want to be called daughter*, so he then decided at 6yo he was a they* because he felt he was both she* and he* on any given day. Describing it as “well mummy, do you know how sometimes you wake up grumpy and then your happy and then your grumpy again…that’s me!”
In my adult knowledge I believe they are queer/non-binary/all-of-the-above as they like playing with my makeup mostly when they are he*
They are now 8yo and go mostly by they, although will decide they want to dress “more like a girl/more like a boy/maybe a girl top with boy bottoms, sandles and makeup”
They know they can be whoever they want to be.
They know that sometimes I slip up with he/she/they but I always say sorry and they understand it’s not meant, although sometimes they do get upset and cry which I hate to see.
I find it’s easier getting the pronouns correct when I talk about them rather than to them, when I see my daughter’s face that I birthed as a female/she.
Hope I helped xx
I haven’t been in your shoes. My teenage stepson hasn’t brought any of this up. But, if I were you, I would use their birth name, that is their name. Unless they change their name legally when their an adult, I would continue to call them by their birth name until then. And to be honest I’m completely against the they/them pronoun. It’s he or she. Weather she identifies as female or male, that is up to you to allow it or not, but they/them is just dumb.
I am going through this and I am doing what my child asks and not going any other route.
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She’s too young at 13 to make such a life changing decision!
To be honest, the big moment for me was to talk to a counselor who specializes in LGBTQ. Ask the real questions. I wanted to be as prepared as possible to help. It was amazing.
Seeing some one blaming anime on here and that’s just dumb lol it has nothing to do with watching anime
sometimes what you feel inside can be different then what you where born to you just need to be supportive and love your child no matter what whether they want to be a she they or him. Just continue to make them feel loved.
My oldest is part of the LGBTQ, but is cis gender. I am very lucky to work with a lot of LGBTQ patients, and trust me, your child will be so happy to have you by their side
Going from one name to the other is hard! And your child will understand. It’s a process. It’s chosen name did not come overnight. It was carefully chosen, after a lot of thought. Just like you chose the name you gave them at birth. You have to let go of a name you love, and you have the right to mourn the girl you had and everything that came with her.
As for the name and pronouns, give yourself time and don’t forget that your child is still a teenager, so OF COURSE they will get irritated when you make a mistake
Thank you mama. Your child is really lucky to have you
You’ve had a daughter for 13 years. Common sense dictates you’re not going to adjust overnight. She needs to understand that. Just like you’re accepting and actively working on adapting to the new her, she needs to understand this is a huge change and it’s going to take time to adjust. Esp if she’s hiding it from dad and it isn’t consistent. That’s just going to make the adjustment period longer.
My daughter has came to us since the age of 8 talking to us about how she likes girls too. She identifies as bisexual. Shes 11 now, and still does. We told her we didn’t care who she loved as long as shes happy and healthy and is treated with respect. Recently in the past year she has gotten into typical boy things much more, and clothes. A few months back for the first time brought up feeling like a boy. We listened and was supportive and said we will cross that road when it comes, if it does and left it as such. She has been big into anime for the last 2 years and is really into cosplay etc so I think that has some effect. Regardless of what happens, she knows we love her and will be supportive no matter what. Shes 11, and still figuring herself out. She knows dating rules are the same regardless of her sexuality that doesn’t change anything. Shes too young to have boyfriends or girlfriends and we wont let her date for a few more years either way.
My 15 year old granddaughter came out as pansexual about a year ago. She wants to be they/them and changed to a name that can be female or male. I had a talk with her, in front of her mom, about this and was open and completely honest that I didn’t totally understand the whole thing. I admitted that the name change wasn’t a big deal, but I was having trouble with the pronoun thing. Very openly and very maturly she said that she understood and it was okay and if I had questions, to ask. But the one important thing I have stressed to all my grandchildren is that I love them and support them and always will. My youngest daughter was gay and there was never a nanosecond that i didn’t love her.
Your child shouldn’t be able to tell you what to do. I’m with the father.
The fact that you care enough to ask shows that you’re a great and loving mom. As far as the pronouns and new name go just keep trying. If you catch yourself using the incorrect pronoun or the dead name just correct yourself and keep trying. As far as the younger kids just keep it simple and say that they have a nickname they want to be called and as they get older you can explain it in a more age appropriate way. There’s nothing wrong with your child, they don’t need to be fixed and you have not failed as a mother.
My 12 year old daughter has literally said the same thing to me only 3 months ago. My daughter also has said she wants to change her name to a boys name. I am also very supportive of her decisions she chooses to make in her life. Im stuck on the fact that she is so young to make this big decision. Im lost for words on what to do? I’ve basically told my daughter that I will not call her the boys name she wants but I am happy as long as she is happy.
Very simple u should have raised them better