Over 6 months ago I received the news that my ex boyfriend of 8 years mother passed away unexpectedly. My current boyfriend of 10 years was “supportive” and told me I should go to the funeral. I did reach out to the family with my condolences and was invited In a group chat with some of the family/friends about photos/funeral locations etc. that I changed the name so it wouldn’t seem like I was getting a bunch of messages from my ex/ family because my bf can have a bit of a temper and I didn’t want him to worry. My ex tried separately messaging me, asking me to go out for drinks and I declined the invite. I did not tell my current boyfriend because I knew the situation was uncomfortable enough as is and I didn’t want him to worry or be upset. My boyfriend went through my phone (which he never does) saw the message and immediately broke up with me because I didn’t tell him. We own a house together and have a daughter together and he still wants to live together until we decide otherwise. I agreed in hopes of us getting back together, but at the same time it has not been easy. I feel like I’m not allowed any freedom outside my house without being completely questioned about it or a fight at the end of the night. I have never cheated and we have never had issues like this in our relationship. There was even one point during a fight he threw an engagement ring at me and told me he was going to make me his wife, but now he can’t trust me. Maybe I’m wrong, but this all seems extreme to break our family up over this. I went to a number of therapy sessions and he only went to one. Part of me feels like maybe he was looking for an escape, but why continue to live with me? We are still intimate here and there and still do things together at times. Even went on vacation, but there are also days where it’s bad and he can seem distant and cold. Idk if I’m supposed to keep fighting for our relationship or let it go.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. https://answers.mamasuncut.com/t/does-it-sound-like-my-boyfriend-was-looking-for-a-way-out-re/21521
Honestly sounds like he may be the one to look at for cheating… they like to blame someone else… Check his phone…
Sounds abusive to me…
U have some SERIOUS soul searching to do…
You hid something from him after he was supportive and encouraged you to go to the funeral and you can’t see what the issue is? You’re the issue. He’s not.
If the tables were turned and he did sneaky things to change names in his phone so you wouldn’t know he was conversing with his ex, would that have been ok? Don’t hide things from people you want a future with, especially since he was supportive of your ex mother passing away!! That said, it seems like he wants to take things slow and build up the trust again so you can be together. Either be patient, open and understand why he’s feeling the way he is or move on.
Ask him to move out. Separate yourself from him. Men don’t need to know every little thing. You said no and in the end that should be all that matters. He’s trying to guilt you into something you don’t need to feel guilty about. It’s a control tactic and it will only get worse. This is not someone you want to marry. I’ve been where you are and it’s much harder to escape once you’re married
If you have to walk on eggshells around someone, for fear of their treatment of you for completely normal things, THEY’RE the problem, not you. Girl, RUN!!!
Don’t do family and girlfriend/wife things with him if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Set boundaries and keep to them. It sounds like he’s emotionally abusive and has some clear anger issues. You should have told him the ex asked and you declined, but it’s also no reason to break up your family. Sounds like he’s using the relationship as a tool to manipulate you and “punishes” you with it when you don’t do what he wants.
Both in the wrong, you for hiding it/not telling him and him for losing his temper. If you’s both want to make it work go to couples therapy to talk it all out if not sell the house and both go separate ways and Co parent if possible x
Nah, he was in the right. You hid and lied. Blame no one except yourself. Idgaf if he was your ex of x years, it was literally over a decade ago, there’s.no mf reason for you to be involved in ANY way
Thr fact that you didn’t feel comfortable telling him that your ex asked you for drinks is problematic. I also doubt that was the first time he checked your phone, probably just first time he found something.
Then he breaks up with you but still gets intimate. I think it’s time to move on.
It sounds like you did something you shouldn’t have. Why change the name so he doesn’t see it’s about the funeral?? He already knows. Just put the phone on silent. It sounds like you did something sketchy. Which you did, there was no need to change the name of the group that alone would be sketchy and you never needed to answer him. You could ignored him or left it at sorry I am happily in a relationship and not willing to put myself in a situation to fuck it up… and never answered back.
You hid a group chat because “he has a temper”
Girl that’s some gaslighting amber heard vibes coming from u
First: stop being intimate with him. He is the one who gets to treat you like crap and still get his needs met. Nope, nope nope… he wanted to break up with you, shoot you first and ask questions layer, then he can leave right away. If I would be you, I would have tons of questions too! If he found the message he also found your replies.
You lied and hid important things from him after he supported you. If that’s a hard limit for him and you crossed that boundary I don’t think breaking up is excessive. You broke the trust whether you want to see it or not. Does he sound like a saint… absolutely not.
Usually the accuser is the guilty party.
He sounds abusive and controlling and I think it’s probably time to cut ties with him. I know it’s hard when you have 10 years together and a child, but you don’t want to continue living like this or having your daughter exposed to such a toxic home life.
That’s not to say you’re out of blame completely. You changed names in your phone and hid information from home, even after he was supportive of the situation. It seems like you were trying to hide things from him, even if that wasn’t your intention. The fact that you felt you had to hid who you were talking to is a sign of distrust
You lied and were deceptive…end of story…its you not him…quit with the excuses
You hid things from him. I honestly don’t blame him. Yeah he could handle certain things differently but still sounds like you broke any trust
It will never get better, I’m sorry.
You and your daughter need to leave now, before it’s too late.
Are you an Idiot!
If your broken up and he still is living there and your having Sex???
Hes got the Best of both worlds!
It’s because he’s cheating.
You broke his trust. Why be sneaky and change names of chats, withhold info etc
Idk sounds like you both are in the wrong to me. You shouldn’t have hidden anything and he should be more reasonable if he really wants to be with you, he will come around but maybe some time apart will do you both some good. It’s sounding to be a little toxic and you both will come out more damaged from each other if you stay like this. Take some time apart.
Relationships require transparency. You have failed that end of the relationship. I always tell my husband every message I get because 1. I’m petty for juicy gossip like we’re teenage girls, and 2. It gives him something to stroke his ego on top of the honesty in a relationship. I’m honest with him for various reasons. I wouldn’t do/say something behind my husbands back that I wouldn’t say in front of him. Too hard to stack lie after lie and keep them all straight.
I’m wondering if the support was for show…like, he thought he could get points with you for offering but when he found out you were human and capable of feelings for people other than him he started to panic that he’d lose you…
That’s how this reads to me, anyway.
You shouldn’t have tried to protect his feelings by being sneaky, but if you’re being honest that you didn’t encourage the ex, then your SO is freaking out and needs to have a reality check; it’s not healthy for him to try to control you and act like you’re a faithless woman because someone approached you…
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Maybe you could’ve mentioned but he saw that you declined the invite so he should be confident. The fact you felt you needed to change the name of the group so as not to upset him when he knew what was going on is a red flag. That’s not the first time he’s checked your phone hun let him go.
Be careful what u comment in the group, I got banned for 7 days for a simple answer I gave
If you have to worry about him being upset or angry because he has a temper…youre being controlled and thats not healthy for either of you or your child.
Stop being intimate with him till you sort out where your relationship is going
I think the problem is you should have been open with him. And actually speak to your partner! If an ex was to message me, I’d shut it down but I’d also tell my long term partner. Because I would have also told partner of said “group chat to begin with”. I think you should have politely declined the invite to the group chat, surely you knew you’d ex would have been in it? If it was important to go to the funeral, I would say let me know the details privately. I think it’s very respectful of your partner to say to begin with you could go.
First off, he sounds controlling and a bit abusive. NEVER ok.
-But to also break up with you then still expect sex from you. NOPE.
But you should have just told him about the text. That is hiding important information from your partner. If the role was reversed and he got a message like that and you happened to see it, how would it make you feel if he told you he didn’t tell you because it made him feel uncomfortable? But yeah, I’d have him move out or you. I wouldn’t let him control your life and hurt you like this… That’s not ok girl. Don’t let yourself and your sweet baby live like that! You deserve better!
Sounds like you made your own bed, so now you just need to put your big girl panties on! It hurts when the shoe is on the other foot doesn’t it??
overbearing & controlling
are you sure you want to continue with that?
It sounds like he encouraged you to make a decision so he could hold it against you. If he went through your phone and saw the declined invites, there shouldn’t of been a reason to react that way. If anything, a better level of respect should of came out of it. It sounds like you made it clear it was out of respect for a loss for someone in your past. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. He broke up with you. He needs to separate himself FROM YOU in a different home. Treat him the way he’s asking to be treated. Which is an ex that you should co parent with. Don’t give him the benefit of ANYTHING ELSE. He’s playing games and you are believing the problem is you. The problem is him. Get away from it now.
Him being “supportive “ and telling you to go to the funeral seems in congruent with you saying you need to keep things from him and needing to change the name of a group thread on text to protect his feelings and you won’t get in trouble
You have a dysfunctional relationship before the funeral issue
Continue to seek counseling
Let that fool go !! Move on
Always tell the truth!!! It may upset them but them finding out you kept it from them and lied will always end up worse. If he was supportive there was no reason to change the name of the group as I’m sure he would understand
After 10 years, a child and a home together. He waits to “breakup” with you to throw an engagement ring at you claiming he was going to marry you? Thats SICK. Tell him to move out and move on. He wasn’t going to marry you or he would have already and now he’s using it as a manipulation tactic and weapon to hurt you. Enough playing house with a boy who doesn’t see your worth.
How would you feel if the tables were turned? Maybe you should have mentioned it and shown him then deleted it. Give him time and be patient. Remind him you just didn’t handle it the right way but you didn’t mean to hide it. Its ok to admit that you didn’t know how to handle the situation.
Let it go, I went through this for 2 years thinking I was the problem while I was actually being cheated on and ended up left for drugs and other females in the end anyway. I’d say you’re a bit in the wrong for “hiding” something but to end the relationship with no discussion and throw a ring you didn’t know about in your face is a lot. And him sticking around but not wanting to be with you he sounds like a control issue
I think you’re right he wanted a way out, just because you hid the fact your texting your ex… he would have seen you declined seeing him. Something is up with him, I think he wants control. Have you seen his phone? I think he’s hiding something.
There’s a lot of red flags here hon. I hope you figure it out bc I know some people need time to heal with you and work things out but you are borderline being mentally and emotionally abused. I wouldn’t be living together, you need more boundaries in your relationship for it to truly bloom and be healthy. Good luck!
you shouldn’t of kept that from him. if this was the other way round you’d probably be saying “you should’ve told me” “if you didn’t want to tell me then something must be dodgy about it”. he’s upset because you kept it from him and rightly so.
You were hiding things from him. Why be sneaky if there is no reason to be. I hate to say it but after ten years you shouldn’t have ran to console your ex (that’s 100% how him, or most anyone would look at it) Yes he told you to go, but he obviously didn’t mean it. You knew his temper before hand, you chose to keep things from him (that’s lying to him). I don’t think he was looking for a way out, but may use it as one
If you ever have to alter things bc your partner will be angry, even over texts regarding a funeral, it’s time to go. Look into the selling of the home, filing for custody and support, anew place, get tested, and stop having sex with him bc it’s going to cloud your judgment. He threw that ring at you just to be an asshole and to rub salt in the wound. And move out of the shared bedroom. And put a password on your electronics.
I’m sorry but y’all are broken up yet he still questions what you do outside the house? No, pack up and go.
This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship regardless of this issue. Get things quietly set up so that you can safely exit, and get out.
He is a jackass you are better off without him
Yeah no you need to cut him loose. That’s so horrible to flip the switch like that. You declined the invite. If you hadn’t or had said maybe I would get more about being upset but to full on break up and be hostile? That’s a bit much. Most people talk stuff out and come to an agreement or compromise but I feel like he either is just keeping you around while he tries to see if there’s something better, or as punishment for what he decided was cheating or something along those lines. Just a whole lot of no.
He needs to go…
When a person acts that way, they’re the ones cheating
I think he wants the house and access to his child. Did you guys go 50/50 on it?
Red flags!!! Controlling! He broke up with you and is STILL trying to control your actions, fighting with you about it. He broke up! He has 0 say. I would not be in this relationship.
The initial introduction of your current ex boyfriend was that he gets easily angered. I would take the opportunity and roll out! After being in an abusive relationship for 18 years and the first sign was him being easily angered…nope not for me! He also does sound like he wants you as his puppet and to control you.
You were hiding things so now he doesn’t trust you. Simple as that.
So you’re saying that your ex sent you messages wanting to go out and have drinks on your cell phone and you did not delete the messages you saved those messages and the man you’re with now found them in your cell phone. You should have deleted those messages immediately. And block this ex-boyfriend from sending you any more messages. By you not blocking his messages and saving those messages it looks as if you were wanting those messages. Unfortunately now you have made it bed that you are finding hard to sleep in. In the future if you don’t want someone communicating with you block them from your messaging and delete the message immediately.
I don’t think I would have reached out to the family of the deceased mother. I might have just shown up for the funeral, then disappeared again. I wouldn’t have courted any extra conversation for fear of being cornered by the ex. I don’t like interacting with my ex’s especially if I’m involved with someone else. There is still the chance that, even though your boyfriend encouraged you to go to the funeral, he’d have still not been happy about any interaction with the ex at that time… even if it was just offering your condolences. I suspect he was testing you. He was hoping you wouldn’t contact them OR go to the funeral. He wanted to know that contact was cut. And so, since you have failed the test… he’s acting all heavy handed now. You’ve “broken his trust”. Well, I’m here to tell you that with this kind of man… it’s a done deal. He’ll spend the rest of eternity punishing you, testing you, and controlling every move you make. What you wear, who see, where you work, how long you spend at the grocery store, how much makeup you wear… Do yourself a favor. Get out, take your daughter, get custody, and have as little contact as you can manage. He’s going to make your life a merry hell as long as your daughter is under age. He’ll question your every decision and need to know everything you do “to make sure his daughter is being taken care of properly”. So put on your big girl panties. Tell him only what pertains to your daughter’s well-being. Do not volunteer anything about yourself. It’s none of his business. Co-parent as best you can with a jackass. God love you.
You’re tip toeing around him. He could see you declined the invite. The rest I feel is irrelevant. The little things like “being supportive” (testing you), throwing a ring at you and saying “I was going to but now…” ( psychological abuse, punishing), staying while holding a grudge. (Convenience) He has the upper hand. You’re hoping things will work out while he has the privilege of using your body, coming and going as he pleases without commitment, and torturing you in the process. You ask why he stays, if he leaves he doesn’t have you at his disposal and he’ll end up paying child support. His behavior screams gaslighting, manipulative narcissist. Cut your losses and move on. It’s no life to constantly have your loyalty tested and be punished for every perceived slight. Don’t put in the work if he won’t and focus on yourself. Not to mention that your child doesn’t need to see this or grow up thinking it’s normal.
He seems extremely controlling honestly.
He is probably cheating on you and this an easy way out.
You legit have not even held yourself accountable in this situation its his fault because you decided to not tell him the truth to avoid hurting his feelings? You hid jt because of your motive not his. You deserve to be dumped
I’m also going to point out that this isn’t new, if you changed the names because he “had a bit of a temper”…
Mt concern here is you’ve admitted you kept it from him as he has a temper
That alone would make me question a future.
Stop sleeping with him, it sounds dead in the water but he’s basically disrespecting you and you’re letting him. You need split, issue aswell is you’ll be giving your child mixed signals It does mess kids up.
He continues to live with you because he can have everything his way. Gets his cake and eats it too. You’re broke up in his eyes so he can do exactly what he wants.
Lol give him the same treatment, no sex, cold shoulder and treat it as if you two aren’t together anymore. He’ll come crawling back. I personally think that he’s bipolar ( could be wrong), but if he were looking for a way out he probably would’ve moved out already. Has his ex cheated on him or is he cheating on you?
Girl move in he is to controlling.
I think if it was innocent you should have told him your ex tried to meet. So he’s probably hurt
Quit being a door mat,make a decision for yourself,he is looking for a way out kick him out and live your own life,do not be dependent on a man
WoW!!! This is a tough one. Please do what your heart tells you to do. I get having trust issues. Maybe try n make him feel secure n prove your trustworthy!!!
In my opinion you should ask him to leave if he doesn’t want to be with you. He should leave since he’s the one who no longer wants the relationship and it’s not fair to uproot a child
He is trying to have too much control over you. That’s why he stayed. You’ll find more peace with yourself if you go your sep ways.
I honestly would not be able to live if I had to tell my spouse about every interaction, every question someone asked or every message. Even if my spouse saw it by chance the focus would be on how I answered because my spouse will not penalize me for not telling them about someone else’s actions like I can control that. I can only control how I responded which to me is what’s important. And me not telling my spouse would not be considered lying, especially if I handled it myself. I would never be in any relationship where I didn’t have any privacy and was expected to always tell these things or they would be upset. We are individuals and my business is Mines unless I want to share it and as long as I myself am not being disrespectful I can talk to who I want. I share what I want and im trusted. I could not imagine having to tell my spouse about a message I handled already. Unless I needed help or advice on how to respond I’m allowed privacy. Some of these responses baffles me honestly. So not telling your spouse things that have no effect on your relationship because u handled it is considered lying. I’m truly shocked.
Girl leave this crazy boy.
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He’s gaslighting the hell out of you. He would have to completely stop the bullshit or he could go out the door. He’s playing you and you’re letting him.
Stop acting like a wife to a man who won’t wife you. You did nothing wrong. He’s using you for what he needs and when he wants it. All on his terms. Red flags are waving angrily.
Make a safety plan to get out. Meet with an attorney about protecting assets and be aware that things will become more difficult. Your safety is important
What you allow is what will continue. Sell the house and coparent. That’s not a healthy environment in which to raise a child.
Time to let it go. Sell the house. Coparent your child. Stop sleeping with him.
Sounds like you know how he is and you would of been doomed from the start of all this. I send my boyfriend random things from guys because if he ever decides to go through my cell I don’t want him to feel less of himself. But he trusts me to hang out with my ex husband with my daughter and our kids we have together. Sounds like you put the effort in this relationship and he hasn’t. Yeah I see both sides but if you feel you have no escape even if you are at fault. Get out you shouldn’t feel trapped in your own home.
Get rid of him. I see so many red flags. After 10 years you are that afraid to anger him? After that amount of time there should be a sense of safety and you should be able to tell him anything without worrying about that. And why would he get angry at you because your ex messages you? You did your part by declining the offer. As for those who say “delete the messages”, in my opinion if you have to delete messages you are hiding something. She left them so he can see the communication they had. No questions or dis trust. She had nothing to hide. To break up with someone after all the time, house, child so quickly, I’d say it sounds like a way out and/or wanting control. You should not have to tip toe around your significant other, especially after being together that long.
Also, it is nice to go to the funeral but i would have politely declined the request for the group messaging your exs family.
He was physically abusive before when he was angry. Why are you still there? You’re showing your child that this is how a relationship should work, and setting your child up for an extremely difficult life as an adult. If you’ve been to counseling, and been truthful about why you hid the interactions with your ex’s family, your counselor should have started working with you on a plan to leave
Sounds like a narcissist
He sounds like a control freak. You’re not allowed to talk to your ex’s family? He is a narcissists.
Boy bye! He I’d acting like a child who wants to keep everything HE wants, but has zero regard for your feelings! Sell the house and move on…
Sounds toxic. Life’s too short to deal with that shit, it’ll only get worse.
The minute you changed the group name was when you made the wrong choice. If you have to hide anything from your partner, you know you’re doing something wrong. And there’s no way me or my husband would be going to an ex’s mom’s funeral in the first place. If there’s no children together, there’s no reason.
Had this been a guy hiding messages you all would tell her to leave him, but she hid messages that she should have been open about and because he is upset he is wrong? Nah, both women and men need to not do shady stuff.
Your first mistake was changing the name so that your boyfriend wouldn’t find out .that was totally sneaky second was not telling - showing the text and your response from your ex .it really does look like you were hiding something and guess what you were hiding stuff…if a man did that every one would be telling you to leave that if he did it once than he did it before and he will do it again .well in my comment change the he to she …he has a very good reason to distrust you and once trust is broken it’s just about impossible to get back . basically if theres no trust there’s no relationship
I hope his name is not on your property agreement, it could be difficult to get him out of the house. I’d still be packing his stuff, changing the locks, and moving some money to a separate bank account. You know he’s abusive. Your heart may not want to believe it, but you know. It’s time to send him away before he really does something to harm you and your child.
Time to decide. Happy or not ?? He sounds like he needs to grow up. This isn’t a healthy relationship. I agree with the counseling… also time to Sit down a TALK. Have a serious discussion. Ask him if he wants to pay child support… or have you stay??
You need to move out or he has to move out. Stop sleeping with him and stop doing things together with him. It’s giving you mixed signals. Don’t justify yourself or what your doing or where you’ve been. You aren’t together anymore and simply tell him you aren’t together and he doesn’t need to know and end it at that. Don’t keep engaging with him. Sounds like he may have been looking for an out. You together 10 years but he was all of a sudden gonna marry you and only told you when you had a fight. The fact that he has a temper where you feel like you couldn’t tell him is also a red flag.
He told you to go to the funeral… he’s cheating and turning it back on. You, you are both co dependent…why would you even stay in contact with an ex if your happy in your current relationship……boyfriend and you bought a house together……not smart…
STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. hes getting the best of everything… Sleeping with you… Living in a house with you…but also being single.
Tell him to leave…start an eviction process.
Your bf is abusive. You knew that and that’s why you changed the name of your group me. It’s also why you didn’t delete the messages from your ex. Sell the house, split the proceeds and move on with your life.
Let him go. That so called “man” is actually a child.
You were both the problem sneaking messages with him knowing…
My boyfriend got some girl in his inbox started chatting with her he quickly message to me he’s like some girl messaged me on Instagram do you know her￼￼
Yes you should have disclosed, but he’s gonna ride this wave forever, he thinks you handed him the high ground and he will exploit it forever if you let him, he wont get custody based on you turning down an invitation for a drink
He’s a manipulator, very controlling & cruel. Better to get rid of this loser now before he causes you much worse consequences!