Am I selfish? My husband wants to join the coast guard, we have 2 small children 5 years old and 2 years old plus another one on the way. We’ll mostlikely have to move, the closest coast guard station is 3 hours away, I told him I wont move that far from my family. I told him if that’s really what he wants to do that’s fine but I wont move.
It isn’t selfish to want to stay close to family, but I think you are being unreasonable. Your husband is your partner, your person, your family. If this job is important to him and will be good for your family, I would go. It’s a new adventure
Um yes… Basically you are saying that him being an active role in you and your children’s lives and bettering himself is less important than your EXTENDED family. Once you make a family, your original family becomes your extended family
Yes, you are thinking of yourself and not your children missing their father. 3 hours is a cake walk. Your children deserve to be near their father over any other family. As a military spouse I find it sad that you wouldn’t support your husband when he’s trying to create a stable life.
These comments are really sad and nasty. It’s ok for him to just make the decision like this but not ok for her to not want to leave her family, who will be the ones helping her through this? This isn’t easy so don’t make it harder on her by treating her this way.
It’s ok for someone to say “wait… that’s not the life I want for me and my children” it’s not selfish. She wasn’t put on this planet to cater to her husband and her husband alone. They both have needs and desires in life.
No you aren’t selfish. It’s a joint decision that affects both of you and if that really isn’t something you want to do or comfortable with you shouldn’t just do it because he wants to. It’s a JOINT decision. He needs to take into consideration your wants and needs just the same as you do him.
That’s a huge decision to make for your SHARED children as well as your husband without considering how he would feel. But I agree with another comment, you are choosing your extended family over your immediate family that you have created a life with. 3 hours isn’t even far.
Not necessarily selfish but wrong especially for your marriage as well as your children. There hours is nothing.
Yes. Simple answer, yes.
As military, I will always 100% support my husband.
And the Coast Guatd is a fantastic branch!
That’s weird to be honest… most people support their partners. I would follow my husband anywhere, especially for his career
He’s your husband and the father of your children, no matter what I would always move with my husband because he is a good man and an amazing father and if your husband is a good man and a great father than it would be very selfish of you to keep the children away from him by not moving with him. I could never imagine being away from my husband like that and I have my whole family here
Everyone is different. I personally do not want to move far from a few people however my husband knows if he wanted to or had to move far for some reason I would follow him as he is the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I love him and will support him always
Some of these comments we aren’t in the 50’s anymore women don’t have to please men because we are told to. You are allowed to have your own opinion and feelings without it being selfish. To which no you’re not being selfish. Why should it just be the man’s choice and the woman just do as she is told? All these comments saying your selfish for keeping the children so far away from their dad, what about the dad moving so far away from the children?
Military life is not for everyone. For all of you saying that she’s selfish, it’s actually not. It’s not like he was already in the service when they got together and now she doesn’t want to go with him when he has to PCS. They were already married and had kids when he decided he wanted to make this huge life decision. She should be included and have a say in this as well.
I lived 3hours from my family after moving away from them and supporting my husband. It was
Yes. 3 hrs isnt that far away and you arent considering his feelings at all. Your telling him to basically go and miss out on his kids and aren’t even considering what that will do to the kids. Your only thinking of yourself
Former military wife here
It’s not necessary selfish. If you really don’t want to do that and you do it for him, you will be miserable and it will affect your marriage. On the other hand, if he really wants to do that and he doesn’t in order to keep you happy, he may also end up miserable. Both of you could resent each other. Luckily I didn’t have kids with my ex husband (military) because I didn’t want to move around either. We split up for many reasons, one was his cheating. But early in the marriage he started to resent me because I didn’t want to leave my family. I had older sick family members and did not want to be far from them and I don’t regret my decision. It’s lots to think about on all sides. Good luck, but do not make yourself miserable and any cost because you will then resent him.
As said by many in the other groups that you posted this in as well… yes, you are being selfish.You clearly aren’t supportive of your husband. You started your family with the man you married and the kids you have. He may end up resenting you and you’re relationship will likely end in divorce. Kids in two homes and splitting custody. You guys are a team. It’s an honorable career with many opportunities for you family. You can’t be the only one that matters in your relationship. Yes, being a mom of three is hard but many of us do it without support. You make mom friends, you get assistance for your kids through programs through the military. I would be heart broken if my husband didn’t support my choices that could not only better me as a human but for making a better life for our family as a whole. I couldn’t imagine doing that to him either. I would never stay with someone like that either. Your marriage is between you and your husband not you and your extended family.
He helping build his family…not sure what the issue is.
I’m surprised by the comments. Why does he want to join the Coast Guard, especially when he has young children? Even if you move to be “with him,” how often would he be at home? When you decided to have a third child, did you do so assuming you’d have help from family? Is he joining for a career change or ? I’m half-wondering if this is a midlife crisis.
Before either of you decides anything, you need to discuss what’s driving all this, possibly with a therapist. The reasons each of you give on the surface might not be the real reasons. Good luck.
So if your family moved 3 hours away from you would you expect your husband to pull up stakes and move where they are?
I think you already know the answer to this. No one can tell you what to do but is your husband and children your primary family or the others?
Moving away is hard (I’ve done it) and honestly is it best for your children to have a split household?
Super weird…it’s three hours. Your children deserve to be with their father and he deserves his family to be with him. Are you going to be using some of that money that he’s making while you’re denying him his kids?
Shame on you. You made vows, better or worse. Your spouse is supposed to be the one you are closest to. You’ve agreed to share a life with him and had children with him. You built a family. Shame on you for thinking your children will be fine with you living separately. 3 hours is not that bad. Agree that you need to see your family once or twice a month and spend the weekend with them. You, your children and husband should stay all together.
I wouldn’t necessarily say you are being selfish, but I do think you need to think about this more. Maybe you can compromise and find middle ground. 3 hours away from your family isn’t the end of the world. Are there other problems in your marriage? I find it odd, that you are so sure on just saying “go ahead and move, but I won’t” Are you fully okay living 3 hours from your husband? Would you separate and divorce? And ultimately what about your children? He DOES have a say in them as well. You will need to split time or find a schedule that works because I’m assuming he is not wanting to walk out of their lives. Just because you don’t want to or refuse to move, he does still have a right to his children.
To take away your kids from their Dad on the daily is selfish. At a young age it is prime time for your children to build that bond.
You can travel to see your family. As your family can come to see you all.
You’re just gonna have to ask yourself if moving at a drop of a dime is ok . I always say when you join the military (husband did and served his time ) you’re married to the military.
I’m married to a military man and we had to move clear across the country. As much as I miss my family, I could never imagine not living with my husband. Especially with children involved. Our family together comes before everything else.
Your first mistake is referring to ppl other than your husband and children as your family. Once you realise that “your family” is your spouse and your kids, the decision to move with said spouse for the good of “your family” will come quite easily.
I agree with the other comments I think you’re being a little selfish I was in the military it’s not so bad and you’re only 3 hours away from your family
He IS your family I feel so bad for your husband. Bailing on your vows for a 3 hour move!? This is a sad post and you’re ridiculous for not supporting your husband when all he’s doing is trying to make a better life for HIS family, meaning you and his kids
Personally I believe you are. He is your partner in life and it sounds like he wants to make a career path that would provide security for not just him but the whole family. By telling him you wouldn’t move you essentially told him your wishes and your “family” is more important than him and your relationship with him. Let’s not even get into the fact that you would be taking his children away from having a good constant connection to their father. If you truly love him you would reconsider otherwise just admit you don’t really love him, hire a divorce lawyer and let him move on (eventually with someone who loves and respects him).
Not at all. I think it’s selfish of HIM to be willing to join knowing your feelings. He’d rather abandon his family rather than not join? You’re suppose to be partners & that means making decisions together
Your husband and children are you family you should put them 1 st not extended family .I bet if you were the one wanting to move he would go with you .he will miss you and his children .so sorry yes you are being selfish .think this over seriously .only 3 hrs away let your family come stay with you . You say you are pregnant again don’t let your husband miss out on his children .if you love him you will go with him and be happy family
Depends, is it better financially? Do you work in order to help out with the cost of living separately? Is he a good loving father and husband, has he talked about this before or did it come out of nowhere? There’s a lot of missing information. My husband drives 75 miles one way for work EVERY SINGLE DAY, while I love where I live I’d move to where he works if it was affordable to make life easier for him but that’s just me. Marriage is full of compromises, maybe you could try it out before you make a decision, but he wants the support just as much as you do. It’s a 2 way street.
The family you created is the most important, not the family you were given.
It boils down to wether or not he would move for you if the roles were reversed. If the answer is yes, you should support him as well. The marriage is between you and him, not you him and your family. Sometimes marriage means sacrifice. Even when it’s hard. Just my opinion.
I can also speak on this exact subject from experience. We had to move 10 hours from any family for my husbands job. I didn’t exactly want to be so far either but honestly it ended up being the best thing for our marriage. We became stronger because we only had each other to rely on.
I am married to a Coastie While I think your feelings are valid I do think that you are being unfair to him and your children. Have you guys talked about it or have you just said no absolutely not? Alot of spouses do geo baching and while it works for some its not for everyone. When we first got married we were 3 hours from my family and they visited all the time and we were able to visit them frequently. However you cannot get comfortable that you will be 3 hours away throughout his career. Our current station is CA and I hated the idea that I would have to live a coast away from everyone we know however duty called and we went. Did we throw around the idea of geobaching? Of course we did and this may cause unpopular opinion but we gave our children a say even though they were young 8, 5, 3 they chose to be with their dad. Do we like Cali? Not even the slightest. Are you going to love every duty station? No but you adapt and overcome.
If you had a good job opportunity a couple hours away would you want your husband to move with you? You’re his partner and you guys have your own family that you’re starting and your own life together that you’re building I think it’s important that y’all stay together. I think he’s trying to do the right thing and provide for his family and joining the military is an honorable thing to do I understand you wanting to be close to your family but I’m sure that he would like to be close to his children and his wife. 3 hours isn’t too far from family, you can still plan visits. It’s not across the country or the world. I think you should be supportive of your husband. But if this is an issue and you’re going to resent him for moving and it’s going to hurt your marriage because you can’t be happy and adjust to the move then you shouldn’t do it because that’s not going to be fair to you to him or your kids so I think y’all really need to think this over together think about the pros and cons and pray about it and go from there do what you feel is the best thing for your family
You are being selfish. You can still visit family on weekends. Your children need to be with you and their father.
I’m going to be very blunt… flip the situation. Would your husband go with you if your career was 3 hours away from HIS family? Would you be upset that he didnt want to go with you and be supportive?? Your husband and your kids are your family. The family you 2 built together. That’s a foundation that once its broken it’s very hard to put back. Are you willing to break that foundation bc of your own selfishness?? Think of your kids too. Do you think they will be perfectly fine not seeing their father for months on end bc you chose to stay home ?? Make the move. You can always come back to visit your extended family.
You’re beyond selfish. You’re basically saying “my husband wants to move for a better job but I don’t want to leave my friends so I’m gonna stay” great, keep his wife and kids from him, who sounds like a decent man trying to make a decent honest choice he feels would be better for his family
Let’s not forget you did give vows! But who cares just throw those out the window too I guess.
Your family is the family you started when you said “I do” and you got pregnant. That’s your family. And your willing to tear it apart bc you or them aren’t willing to do a little drive. My moms 2 hours from me, you know what we do? Take turns driving to each other. To me it seems like your just looking for your ticket out now that he wants to do something to better not only himself but his family and his entire country.
Why did you even get married ?! The name of the game in the military is stick together at all costs . SmH
I moved 4.5 hours away for my husbands job. I miss him a lot and I miss my family, but I’m glad we are all close together.
He and your kids should be your priority not your extended family, when you get marry you are starting YOUR OWN family , if his work will benefit the family you should support him and move .
3 hours it’s not that bad , you can visit as often as you want , but if you insist on not moving , you guys should consider a divorce because you are clearly not a team member on your marriage
In my opinion the day you get married you start YOUR family. That family you create is now your top priority when it comes to family. Your extended family is secondary. I personally think it is selfish. If for medical reasons that’s different however the military does offer EFMP for families who medically need to be in certain areas for treatment to keep families together. If just by choice then yea it’s selfish bc most people who join after having a family do it for the purpose of stability financially and health insurance. Why not support the person who is willing to make the sacrifice for their families by signing up to serve their country and family.
It really has a lot of factors to consider, but short answer I’d say yes you’re being selfish. Your children deserve their father. But is he a good husband? Are there other problems as readers we don’t know? Are you bringing in an income or is he the sole provider? Ultimately do what is in the best interest of you and your children, but keep in mind finding a partner who will take care of you and that you match with isn’t always easy to come by.
I wouldn’t move no way for me my family and my kids family is to important to me
There are really three families here. There is the family that created you. Your folks, your siblings, your cousins etc. And there’s the family that created him. His folks, his siblings, his cousins etc. Then there is your own family. The family you two created. You, your husband your kids. His wanting to join the coast guard, have a job, and provide for his family unit, the family he created and is responsible for, is a tribute to his character, his responsibility, and his commitment to you. You love the family that created you, of course, but as a parent and wife, your loyalty belongs to your own family and doing what’s best for their future. You’ll still get to see your folks. You’ll be ok.
You’re selfish to put your family before your husband who is trying to better your family. You’re selfish for holding him back. When you married him you two became one. It’s time to leave the nest, dear.
Um yes. Your HUSBAND and your kids should come first. Three hours is nothing. Support your husband or stop using this an excuse for something else that might be going on.
Try living 19 hours from family. A 3 hour drive isn’t that bad for family to come help out with a newborn and stay the night if he’s away/busy. 3 hours is nothing for a grandma who wants to help out with her babies. My mom drives the 19 hours regularly to see my daughter, and I’ve taken trips to see her too. Sometimes you have to move because that’s where the work is, but if you let it keep you from family that’s on you.
3 hours isn’t that far. I do think it’s somewhat selfish not to go with him when he’s likely doing it to help take care of his family.
You took the vows🤷 if this is his dream then you gotta at least give it a go.
Hi! CG wife here. It’s a stable income, healthcare, and personally- it’s fun to explore and live in places we never would if he wasn’t in. We are 1500 miles away from our families, but technology has made it easy to stay in each others lives. I choose to support my husband in his career, and he supports mine- his just requires more flexibility from me. Think long term, not short term.
yikes, you created a family but won’t keep it together over a 3 hour drive. selfish. he’s better off.
So you’d rather destroy the family when he’s trying to make sure the family is taken care of? Do you always put your extended family in front of your immediate families needs? I guess you’re not really committed to your partner and immediate family if you can’t put them first.
Yes. You’re putting yourself/your extended family before your husband and children.
Think of your kids. I’m sure they’d rather be closer to their dad then their extended family.
When you get married the two become one. You leave your families and become a new family. So, that being said I do believe it is very healthy for a family to not live very close to their family for at least two years. It really helps your new family to grow to know each other better and to learn to depend on each other instead of your birth family. It will bind your family together with tight binds. Every young family needs that space to grow.
Sounds like an ultimatum instead of a conversation that needs be had between husband and wife in which some compromises need to be made for the good of your family. I support my husband in any and every endeavor that doesnt sacrifice our ability to support our children. If it required a move I would start packing.
The coast guard transports him no matter where he lives,Stay where u are…You’ll need your family ,My son in the coast guard loves it,they rent a car picks him up at home or a meeting place,make sure u have your own wheels cause he might want to take his car…Makes good money if he’s willing to do anything
There is so much here to consider. However, I think its extremely selfish. I’m a strong believer in the family your creating needs to be #1- not your extended family. 3 hours isn’t huge
Well marriage is about give and take and compromise. If you love him you will support his dream but do not compromise your self or values in the process. Having family close is important but so is both partners being happy in a marriage. Have you considered moving half way? 1.5 hrs verses 3 hours seems doable. The choice however is yours. It’s hard to up root your family but sometimes it is necessary for the sake of your marriage.
Only way military life works is if your support comes from your partner, like it should. If it does, you shouldn’t need you family to be that close for immediate “support”. They’ll still be there but YOUR family is what’s most important. If you’re afraid to leave then something is lacking between the two of you and I wouldn’t. It’s not necessarily a bad thing not to want it as a wife and mother but there may be some underlying issues if you’re absolutely against it but it’s a good opportunity for you and your family.
I actually find it disgusting that many women here expect you to up and go with your kids because hub says so. If it’s something you don’t want, you don’t have to. It should be a joint decision, not what husband picks. You are the one raising the children, you are the one away from support networks. Do not be pressured into anything.
It’s not selfish at all. People will only judge because your married. But it’s your life too. You will be raising the children while he works probaly so your gonna need support and people around you that you can be with too. Life’s not just about work he needs to compromise just like you would have to. Why is it when a man gets a job its just seen as an obligation to just get up and follow them where ever they go despite your own wants and needs and happiness
I think nerves is what’s going on here. Two young children and her whole world may possibly change. Not selfish. Just worried.
I was in the USAF for 21 yrs. My husband and kids moved with me every time. I believe home is not a place but where your immediate family is. We lived overseas for 12 yrs and our kids now have friends AND family all over the world. Don’t be afraid to leave and explore the world with the people you love most.
Can you afford to support yourself? He’s your family and your kids happiness comes first. How will they feel knowing their mother could have moved and kept their dad in their lives but chose others instead? Are you comfortable sending your kids on a plane to visit their dad for weeks at a time because you couldn’t cut the umbilical cord for your family? You may not have to be with him but as their father he absolutely has rights and could even end up with custody.
It’s not all about you and your wants.
Moved to Texas with my ex when he was enlisted. Came back home, broke up and moved back with my current husband. First time I did it was with 2 toddlers, second time was with 4 kids. Time to put on those big girl pants or let him go on to find someone supportive.
Yes. That is selfish. You married him and vice versa. You chose to have a family with him. You should support him and his dreams. Maybe y’all can find a halfway point to move to. It would mean a commute for him and it would mean a commute to go visit family but when you marry someone it’s kind of understood that they become your family and main priority. You do what you have to to ensure your family stays together if that’s what you want. You’re basically telling him to leave his children and seemingly not caring about how that would effect them and him and really only thinking of yourself and your feelings as a whole. Nah. If my husband said anything like that to me, I’d be rethinking our whole situation.
When I was 22 I married my husband and moved across the US. Of course I missed friends /family but he was my family and what we created in our life. As long as he can support the family on his income go on the adventure.
wonderful to be able to pick up and go on a drive to my family’s house just about any time I wanted to. My husband travelled for work a lot which left me with plenty of time to visit family. My mother came to our house when I had my third baby and stayed for a week. 3 hours is so easy to do with 3 kids…why not go with your husband so he can have his children and wife there too?
It’s three hours…not another country, or province/state. I think if he’s the one working, providing and trying to do better for his family, you should be willing to consider a move, especially one that’s less than half a days drive. I moved 5 hours from my family and are still close with them, and still see them often. No matter how far you move, family should always be there for you.
I moved my kids to live with their dad (my husband) who was working 3.5 hours away after a year of doing it separately with him driving back and forth to visit for a few days at a time. Maybe have him start the job and see where it takes you, if he doesn’t like the job, it’s an easy fix. If he loves the job and you miss being with him every night, move at that time. I didn’t love being away from family, but we were close enough we could visit often and we had lots of visitor come to us as well. It’s like taking many mini vacations each year.
Being close to family for assistance if he is gone is not selfish. Sometimes we need that extra help and you won’t have that if you’re 3 hours away. Yet again it is 3 hours away which isn’t that far away. So it’s a toss up for me really but I do see where you want the support of the family. As a single mother of 4. I wouldn’t have known what to do without my family close and with your husband being gone it’s pretty much the same for a while.
I do believe that you’re both being selfish.
When you get married, you’re starting your own family, separate from your family and separate from his family. Yes, those people are still family, but the two of you have chose to build your own family.
He is selfish in that if this is something that he wants, he should have discussed it with you before hand and not taken it upon himself to make a decision that would completely uproot his family from all that they have known.
You’re selfish in this because it isn’t all about you and your wants either. To tell him to go on his own takes a father from his children.
This is something the two of you should sit down, together, and discuss. Compromise. Three hours isn’t that far, but at the same time, it is. Talk about meeting in the middle. Move to a mid-point. Somewhere that he can still be at home with his family, but has a commute to work. Somewhere that you can still visit your family and his, with some travel but not extreme travel. Somewhere that everyone isn’t thrilled about, isn’t miserable with, but where everyone is together.
It’s not selfish but it’s childish. You started a family with this man. He’s trying to get a job with benefits that help your family. 3 hours isn’t even bad. That’s close enough if there’s an emergency. We were stationed in Alaska by choice and we bonded so much. But I understood the family I created came first. Y’all clearly need to talk about this more. Calmly and open minded….
First of all he is your family. He became your family when you married him and you decided to lay with him and make kids. ￼Second of all, don’t be upset when your partner’s eyes get caught up on somebody else and he cheats and he leaves you because you decided you wanted to stay. Iswtfis, nobody wants someone who doesn’t support them.
Pretty sure the line is “for better or worse” which means you chose them and to stick it out for better or worse. You’re being selfish keeping your kids home and away from their father
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and it was something you really wanted to do?
You are selfish. You have a right to your feelings, but he’s your husband. You signed up for stuff like this when you signed those papers. Honestly, if this is something you hate, get a divorce and move on with someone who wants to stay by your family and let him move on with someone who understands compromise in a relationship that “means so much” to you.
My husband moved 2 and a half hours to be with me but he misses his family all the time and it hard because we r busy alot so making that drive to see them is hard and not always doable so in a way I don’t blame her
I don’t really know what all being in the coast guard will include but I know they at least go to basic training for some weeks and I’m assuming you’d get left with the children regularly? I wouldn’t want to be that far from my support system with 3 small children either so I wouldn’t say you’re selfish. Some say 3 hours isn’t much but I have other issues that make long drives difficult, never know if OP does too
It’s definitely something that you have to agree upon and have a big conversation about. And in that conversation decide if he were to join if you going on not would be for the best. Honestly I probably wouldn’t go either. I’d try to do it long distance for a while and evaluate later on.
Yeah kinda because your children also need their father. Just because you move doesn’t mean your family can’t visit or you can’t visit your family. I bet if he does decide to go and pursue this career you’ll complain about him not being there or helping etc just cause you decided not to move with him.
Wait and see after training is complete and you find out where he will be stationed. Then the 2 of you make a decision. Benefits of serving can be really good. Ask God for guidance and it will all fall in place.
I can’t imagine how hurt he feels since his wife won’t be there for him including his children. Yes you’re being selfish. You knew being married to him this would happen. I feel bad for him and the kids for how stubborn you are.
If she is being selfish then so is he…
It’s a joint decision and all factors should be considered.
Marriage is all about compromise. I don’t do well away from my husband but if he wanted me to move away from all of my support I would consider all options. Maybe stay until you get on your feet with the new baby so you have the supply you need. It is only 3 hours which isn’t to far.
I would go with my husband but I would want to have a nice reliable family car that can make quick trips home , I go to visit my mother in law each month at least and shes 298 miles away it’s not to bad really.
As military they could be moving several times throughout the years. Basics are for sure without the family… As a married couple you do whats best fir that unit
Sorry lady. When you said I do that means you go where your husband goes to work. It also means hubby and kids are your #1 family not mom, dad or siblings.
Once you marry your place is by each other. Cut the child cord. Be a wife
I’m gonna say you’re not selfish, because you didn’t marry him before he joined. He’s trying to join after marriage and 2 kids. He knows your stance and if he still decides to join, that’s on him. Has he even checked income? They don’t even make shit unless they’ve been in for years, like he will be lucky to make $1,900/mo. It’s not worth it. IMHO he’s being selfish.
Your family is your husband and your kids. When you get married you start a new family. Yes your parents and siblings will always be you family as well but your husband and kids are what should be first priority
I smell bait and switch, you guys get together, get married, commit to having a family, and then he decides to commit to something he should have done before starting a family, I bet he didnt disclose his intentions at the onset of the relationship
It’s not selfish at all. These major milestones are things that you guys should decide together, find the pros and cons.
Personally I wouldn’t move away especially if you have a support system. You guys have 2 little one plus one on the way if you move who’s going to help?
I would support my husband 100 percent because I know he would do the same for me.
If you don’t move with him your marriage isn’t gonna last he will find a woman that will stand by him your place is with him put your family first
Your “duty” as husband and wife is too each other. Not other family. You have to make a decision together. Considering ALL viewpoints.